As the bébé q's rolled in, I started answering questions in bulk over on the Gram. There were a few bigger questions though that I couldn't quite fit my ramblings into a caption for. So, pairing them together on here.
Besides the disclaimer I gave in my last post, I want to make it absolutely clear that the responses below are solely my opinion* and if yours is different THAT IS REALLY FINE. It's hard enough figuring out how to make this major life shift into parenthood without all the added pressure of everyone else's beliefs weighing in. Zero judgements from me if you're approaching (or have approached) your own pregnancy differently, or if you disagree with my comments below. I respect that we're all doing our best, and that everyone's journey can look VERY different, even if there are tons of overlapping factors. I'm not trying to vex anyone - you keep doing you.
Bébé Q: "Was it planned?"
This is sometimes paired with the other frequent semi-Q of "I thought you didn't plan on having kids...?" If you've known me for some time, this set of Q's doesn't come without warrant. I have always been quite vocal about my feelings. To avoid ranting, here's a short punch list:
- one does not NEED children to have a complete family; family can mean a lot of different things
- if I personally never had children, I could still live a very fulfilling and happy life; it's totally fine to be childfree
- having and raising children is a huge responsibility, not to be entered lightly; I couldn't personally hack it as a single mom and would want a very strong partner to parent with
I'm sorry to say this: but being a mom has never been on my bucket list. The maternal urge, the need to nurture, just came in other forms than baby-making. Yes, this feels really shitty to say, since I know there are many women who want nothing more than to be a biological mother, and men who want nothing more than to be fathers, but, it's just the truth. If you'd have asked me about wanting kids in my twenties, I'd have probably straight up laughed in your face.
I prioritized my education, my career, traveling, and developing who I was as a person. Finding a good partner, settling down, and birthing babies? Not on the radar. And the partners I did find? Well, I was likewise pretty truthful with them that if a baby is what they wanted, I was NOT their gal. They were nice guys, but I knew they were not men for the long haul. And that was fine. It just was what it was. I was still very happy and content with life.
And at one point, I got lucky. I stumbled into the right partner, and we spent years adventuring and settling into a new life together. We decided to live together. We decided to get hitched. We decided to invest in a house - one that was big enough in case we decided to add to our family. And likewise, together we decided, yeah, let's have a baby.
Having witnessed the fertility struggles of so many loved ones, we approached it in a fairly straightforward manner: we'd try, and if we found we weren't able to have kids, then we would be content as is. If kids weren't in the cards, we'd sell the big house and buy a condo downtown. If it worked out, we'd already have a big house, ready to nest into. No IVF, no adoption, no other paths, should things not work out. We'd see how things went.
As a woman "of a certain age," who has always had the thought in the back of my mind that maybe I wouldn't physically be able to have kids, I would not say I went into this optimistically. I was a realist. My hopes were not high. I followed the advice of my OB/GYN and went off my pills for a couple months before we started "actively trying," so I could learn what my actual cycle looks like (because I've been on a pill-driven cycle for the past 15 years), and loosely tracked my "fertility window" with a pencil on my little desk calendar. And again, I got lucky. And here we are, a few short weeks away from bébé's arrival.
It is not a "whoopsie" baby. It is not a "pandemic baby."** This baby being consciously brought into this world by loving parents, who are confident in each other, who are comfortable with where they are at in life, and who... want to have someone to care for them when they are the old people in the post-apocalyptic hellscape. You know, typical stuff.
Bébé Q: "Is it a boy or a girl?"
Why does it matter?*** Why are my baby's reproductive organs SO important to everyone? Can't they just be a baby and not immediately defined by their gender? Aren't they going to spend the rest of their life being forced to deal with the gender norms and stereotypes of the world? While they're in the womb, can't we just let them be? Do we HAVE to stuff them into a blue or pink box straight out of the womb? Am I less of a mother for buying clothes that are gender-neutral OR just come in a variety of colors? Can't they have dinosaurs and sparkles?
If you want to / did a gender reveal and want to scream from the rooftops that you've got a baby boy or baby girl arriving on xyz date - do you. (But like, don't shoot off anything that starts a forest fire, please.) It is just not my thing. I just want them to be born healthy and happy and whatever gender they are, we will raise them to be curious, independent, and kind. Period.
When people ask this question, the easiest answer has been, "We're keeping it a surprise" or "We don't know." Those answers don't piss people off. When they find out that WE know, but are choosing not to tell THEM, that is when people tend to get weirdly aggressive and mad. Like, we are wronging them somehow by not divulging. It's... kind of exhausting. I can even give valid reasons like "Hey, if we decide to have more kids, and they're a different gender, this way we don't have to get all new stuff, we can just reuse what we had - think of the money/time/waste savings!" but, it's still a personal slight somehow. People are still upset they can't buy you all pink or blue things.
And yeah, I know I'm getting a lot of eye rolls and "there goes Gina on her soap box again" - but if you're willing to get legit angry at someone for them not telling you their baby's gender? Or if you have spent the past eight months trying to "trick" one of us into telling you? I mean, go reevaluate and chill. Because, you're just adding unnecessary drama to a pile of legit worries new parents have on their plate. And honestly, if the baby's genitals matter that much to you, you'll find out soon enough, won't you?
Bébé Q: "How has it been being sober?"
Another question largely asked by people who have known me longer lol -- If you told me in my early twenties to be sober for nine months, I would have probably reallllly struggled based on my lifestyle at the time. I hate to give any good credit to this awful pandemic, but I'll say it's a big factor in why sobriety hasn't phased me.
First off, our pandemic social calendar doesn't look like it used to. No happy-hours with coworkers. No attending festivals or concerts every weekend. Infrequent eating out at restaurants. And just an overall decline in events where we'd normally find a cocktail in hand. So, while I've never had a problem being the gal with a Coke at a boozy event, it's been way less of a thing because those events just aren't happening.
The other side of this: I haven't been drinking at home during all this. Because I know myself, and I know what a slippery slope that could have been. My younger self, and my family, have a sorted history with alcohol. So when the world shut down and everything went to hell, I was very conscious of the fact that a cocktail might make the situation feel less stressful - but could become a heavy crutch for balancing out my anxiety. I did not want to go down that path, so I mostly just avoided drinking entirely. By the time I found out I was pregnant, not drinking was already a part of my routine, so it didn't seem like as big of a deal. Which was really nice. Though, I definitely miss my brandy-old fashioneds. I look forward to welcoming that old friend back into my life.
Bébé Q: "Are you planning on having more kids?"
Sigh, y'all know how I feel about the constant "what's next?" questions... that said, we'll see how it goes. In my mind's eye, we'd have two total. No more. Having grown up with a sibling, I see the value in having that person (for better or worse) to share the journey with, so I'd say we're not "planning" for an only child. BUT there are so so many factors at play here. Maybe I'll have an absolutely horrible labor (knock on wood) and/or not physically be able to have more. Maybe we'll find out that we're just totally overwhelmed by parenthood (knock on woooood) and we don't want any more. Maybe we'll try and just run out of time on the biological clock somehow. Who knows? In terms of "planning" I've really learned that... you just can't. The best laid plans of mice and men, y'all.
Bébé Q: "Are you scared?"
As all hell. But with 15 days til D-Date, we're sort of at the point of no return. To quote Home Alone: "This is it. Don't get scared now."
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| Fab bump credit to McKenna Marie Photography https://www.mckennamariephoto.com/ |
*Even my husband and I aren't 100% aligned on things around this pregnancy/birth. We're maneuvering to find what middle ground we as a couple, and as parents, are comfortable with. But we are two separate individuals who form and defend our own viewpoints. That's just part of a relationship - working out how to be a united front as two unique persons.
** Sorry, but I REALLY fucking hate how often people give a wink wink nudge nudge and say "oooh pandemic baby, cuz y'all were bored, right??" UM, did you live in a VERY different 2020 than I did? Because there was nothing sexy about 2020, and 2021 is on its heels for a very unattractive year to live in. Watching the news in horror every day, being separated from loved ones, and constantly afraid of losing someone you care about to an overwhelming global pestilence? Yeah, sorry, that's not really something that puts me "in the mood." Being isolated with my spouse in a tiny space, not going outside for days on end, while a psycho wave of conspiracy theorists try to destroy my sanity? Doesn't exactly get me all "hot and bothered." When my anxiety is through the roof and I'm worried about a potential food shortage while slathered in hand sanitizer? No, my first thought was not, "I'm bored, let's bang." And I also did NOT decide to BRING A PERSON INTO THIS WORLD just out of sheer boredom. Fuck off.
***Also, I know I'll get a bunch of people upset because they will think I am personally mad at them for even asking this question. I'm absolutely not. It's a very straightforward and easy-to-ask question when you hear someone is having a baby. You ABSOLUTELY should feel free to ask. Just don't be pissy if the parents-to-be don't give you the answer you "want" to hear. That's literally it.
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