You've Seen One, You've Seen 'em All

Everyone talks about the joys and stresses of wedding planning and being engaged. But really, more than anything, it's a damn good excuse to watch a ton of shitty romantic comedies. Because you're a bride-to-be, damnit! So if not now, when??

Between bits of planning (and mostly while the beau is doing his marathon training and I get the couch/TV to myself), I've been consuming a boatload of wedding related movies. Here is the list so far....

• The Romantics : One of my fave awful guilty pleasure movies. A total yuppie mess. I watch it mostly for the first twenty minutes, because watching old friends come together for a wedding just makes my heart explode, because it's awkward and perfect and awful and wonderful all at once. 
• Table 19 : A wedding movie focused entirely on the reception. Thought I was getting into a slapstick comedy based on the trailer, but instead waded into a really dark character dramedy that was honestly so depressing. Every little twist just made it more sad. The reception band did play some great jams though, and it did make me really reevaluate our guest list, so, there's that... 
• Bride Wars : Watched this on the plane ride back from Europe, just after we got engaged. Because weddings make people a little crazy sometimes. And I'm grateful not to have had a hope chest full of wedding dreams to try and make a reality, or I'd have lost my mind.
• My Best Friend's Wedding : Y'all already know how much I love this and how I sob every time they're on the boat. And how the not-so-happy ending was actually the one that made sense so, kudos. 
• The Wedding Date: Dermot Mulroney belongs in every wedding related movie. Also, sister relationships are complicated.
• Mamma Mia: It's the mother-daughter moments in this one that really frickin' get me. And, ABBA is just the best. Yes, the singing is awful, but this movie is still awfully fun. 
• 27 Dresses: I'd marry James Marsden's eyes and chiseled check bones in an instance. Also, I still don't know the words to Benny and the Jets.
• The Big Wedding: WHAT is this movie? Crazy good cast but I don't remember hearing a thing about it. It was... a really different approach, I guess? 
• Monster-in-Law: Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda. Comedy Gold. That is all.
• The Wedding Planner: Give me more J. Lo. rom-coms and I can die a happy woman.
• Crazy Rich Asians: BRB have to go completely replan our entire wedding to include some more vastly expensive but really cool shit.
• The Week Of: Adam Sandler fails again? It's just bad. Just...don't bother. Very tiny gems in this one, but not worth the time.
• My Big Fat Greek Wedding: 2002 was a simpler time. The women in this movie are a riot. 
• The Wedding Singer: It's true, first class passengers get away with murder. For the record, I also own volume one AND two soundtracks for this film on CD. 
• Made of Honor: Patrick. Patrick Dempsey. 
• Wedding Crashers: An entire generation of bros learned all their "best" lines from this one. 
• Father of the Bride (1950): Spencer Tracy and Elizabeth Taylor, brilliant. Hearing the prices they list off for wedding expenses is delightfully depressing and wonderful. Watched this movie with Korean subtitles on our flight to Thailand and at the end when she had to call her dad, and he hadn't gotten to even see her or enjoy anything, but she made a point to call him... teaaaars. Family is important.
• All those bachelorette type movies : Rough Night, Bridesmaids, Bachelorette, etc. They all have a similar feel. Female friendships are complex.  

So, what have I missed? We're almost at the turning point here, the final month countdown, so I don't have much time to watch more. But let me know which ones I should squeeze in before the big "I do!" 

Even in Korean, Elizabeth Taylor is stunning

Finale is Coming

With the final season of Game of Thrones nearly upon us, a rewatch was certainly in order. I decided to start it up several months back, figuring if I watched a season a month, I'd land perfectly at the premiere of the final episodes. And then I shot that plan in the face and binge watched those 67 episodes in about a month (winter in Wisconsin, amiright?).

As with any rewatch, there is clarity in that concise viewing of beloved television. With GoT, every episode I watch again, I learn more names, and connect more dots. Horse/dragon lady and cripple kid become Dany and Bran - nicknames, but nicer ones. Like we're old friends, because we've gone through so much together - which we HAVE.

After losing three days of my life, I came away with some very strong overarching feelings, thoughts, and favorites, in no particular order. Spoilers ahead. And... if these are spoilers for you, GO WATCH! You still have time!

• Every single time someone said goodbye to someone else, all I could think was "And they never saw each other again!" Or, in some cases, they don't see each other for several seasons. It's crazy. Just, assume every goodbye in Westeros will be your last. 
• Brienne and Tormund: the 'ship that launched a thousand memes. They aren't the couple Westeros needs, but they're the couple Westeros deserves. (Granted, things generally don't end well for everyone Brienne loyalty-clings to, so, we'll see.)
• WEAVE, Rickon. For Christ's sake, WEAVE!
• The evolution of Jaime Lannister's hair deserves some serious study. When he and Cersei are mackin' on each other with matching long / short hair, the world is in balance. A freaky, incestuous balance. 
• I will put up posters of Lyanna Mormont in my future daughter's bedroom. As she is the badass little role model all little girls should look up to.
• Rob should've never banged that foreign girl. It would've saved so much trouble. (Also, they're floor-of-the-tent-keep-your-boots-on bang is still awkward to me.)
• "And now his watch is ended...." BAHHH, TEARS! There are a lot of deaths to pick from in this show, but man, Maester Aemon's always hits me right in the gut. Blood of the dragon, man. A frickin' unsung hero on the wall. 
• Cersei during the Battle of Blackwater is still some of my absolute favorite bits of the entire series. Her drunken "hey, HEY, little dove!" harassment of Sansa during that entire sequence is perfection. 
• Every time that horn blows for a third time, I just think about how screwed everyone is. White Walkers don't mess around. 
• Remember that time Little Finger little-fingered Ned and was all "Ha, bro, told you not to trust me"? Yeah. That as a defining moment. The gold standard of "literally the nicer you are the more likely you are to get screwed over."
• Jon Snow really is a champion brooder. Nobody broods it better. (Insert Jon Snow montage with Carly Simon playing here - once someone on YouTube makes one lol)
• Joffrey and Ramsay are both just bastards. Literally and figuratively. Ramsay is worse, in terms of being just a bad guy, but he's also older so he's had more years of practice (and has been relatively unchecked so it just festered quicker). But, Cersei is really maybe worse than them both, when you think about sheer scale: her wildfire-happy ways really show she few shits she gives about human life. And now that she really has no family to soften her cold heart, she's just down that slippery monster slope. (And yes, I think the pregnancy is a fake-out.)
• The direwolves really don't get enough play. Damn dragons take up the whole CGI budget!
• Princess Shireen!!!!! #neverforgive #neverforget
• Prince Oberyn Martell, my little Dornish muffin,* why did you have to prioritize your revenge taunt over your beautiful face? Things would've played out so differently if you hadn't died and Tyrion had "won" that trial by combat. Papa Lannister would be alive. Tyrion wouldn't have teamed up with Jorah (who then wouldn't have gotten greyscale) and would never become Dany's adviser. I mean, so many things were in that ripple effect from that perfectly handsome man's skull getting smashed. 
• Margaery, even with her tits out the whole show, at least did have a plan that she was relentless about. Good for her. I appreciated her tactfulness throughout. 
• Special shout-out to those characters who you thought were going to be major players, but ended up dying off weirdly fast. Looking at you Ned. And you, Renly. And, Khal Drogo, I barely knew you! (And Rob/Cat, for that matter.) But also later intros like Karsi in Hardhome. I was looking forward to having another badass ladyboss to root for and then ten minutes later, wham, bam, thank you ma'am, she's a damn wight. The second you like any character, just reckon they're about to die. 
• Lady Olenna Tyrell is who I hope to grow up to be. The Betty White of Westeros. 
• Can we lock Tyrion and Cersei in a room with a shit ton of wine and weapons and see how it plays out? Can that be episode one of the new season? Please?
• Oh Tommen. Bless your sweet little heart.... That is all. 
• Arya always being just a little too late, it just breaks me. Too late to see her family before they die. Too late to be reunited by her aunt (before she dies). Just, set your clocks early Arya, because girl, you're always late.
• Robert Baratheon and Ned - oh, the shenanigans! Those two had such a precious, dodgy friendship. 
• Every time people first see the dragons, it's awesome. Excited for more of that.
• Baelish and Jorah are both equally creepy when it comes to the women they obsess over. Sometimes it almost seems endearing, until you realize it's absolutely not. (Though at least Jorah is a decent human - sometimes - decent in that he owns up to being not decent.) 
• Every time a Stark reunites, an angel gets its wings. (That angel is probably another Stark...ooooh too soon?) AND Bran's total indifference and awkwardness after he has become the three-eyed raven and is reuniting with everyone is honestly just kind of hilarious. Watching all that again, I definitely let out the kind of strangled ridiculous laugh Arya busts out in the Vale when she here's her aunt is dead. (But seriously, the PTSD that family has is unreal.)
• Westeros, it's west. Essos, it's east. I feel really dumb for never thinking that one through. Also, can White Walkers and the army of the dead swim?? Based on comments exchanged with Euron, nope. So, why doesn't everyone just go to Essos? Start the evacuation now and go resettle and just let the zombies have Westeros. 

Story lines and people I realized I give almost zero fucks about:

• Theon. Just... Theon. He's such a POS in the beginning that by the time he's being tortured, I genuinely could've cared less. The only good thing to come out of the Iron Islands in the entire series was Yara's "yas queen" moments with Dany. Well, and maybe that Imagine Dragons song about Euron... pretty sure that was written about Euron. (Pirate rock forever, man.) Okay, and I suppose the one scene where Theon and Sansa decide to just do a suicide-pact and jump off the walls of Winterfell - that's the one good Theon scene, and it's when you think he's finally ending your misery of watching him.
• I fast forwarded all the "Girl is No One" junk. A girl is frickin' Arya Stark and all the rest is just noise. 
• The flaming sword guy and most of the stuff with the Hound (when he's not with Arya) - of course they ended up being fairly important characters later but, meh. And honestly, I'd be fine if the Cleganebowl thing never goes down. 
• Sand Snakes. Everything with the Sand Snakes. 
• I'm all about the Sam and Jon buddy bromance, but after Sam leaves the wall to go study, with Gilly in tow, I do semi lose interest. 
• Meereen. We all know that "see how ruling is boring" was an important point to make, but, ugh. 
• The Sparrows thing. Totally legit that something like that could end up happening (religious zealots always creep up eventually), and the walk of shame and explosion of the Sept were iconic, but overall I was mostly annoyed by those pesky Sparrows.
• Missandei and Grey Worm. Yep, no interest. 

While the new and final season looms, I have no predictions or hopes. I'd maybe venture to guess everyone dies and the White Walkers just win. And I'd maybe like to see Bran warg into a dragon at some point before this wraps up. But really, who knows how the chips will fall? All I know is that I look forward to seeing it go down, and that this sweet summer child is saddened by the fact that winter is finally coming and with it, no more episodes. Though, I suppose, as they say, what is dead may never die - live long you bitching awesome episodes of expensive television. May we all enjoy you on repeat for years to come. 

Will miss our weekly Meat & Meade nights

* Coined by ComicBookGirl19 - she was SPOT ON with that label!

It's Amazing the Clarity that Comes with Psychotic Jealousy

There are certain movies that I've seen, shall we say, too many times. The kind of movie that I used to casually put on, like someone else might turn on the radio. "My Best Friend's Wedding" was in that rotation. I even had the soundtrack on CD in high school. It's the kind of film where, when explaining the plot to people, I speak as though the cast of characters are actually close friends of mine in real life (You know, my BFF Jules...aka Julie Roberts).

At just over twenty years old, this seminal classic continues to kick ass and take names. Since it's Valentine's week (and, more importantly, the beau has been on second shift so I've had free reign on the TV!) naturally I heard the sweet, sing-songy little prayer of a film calling my name. And since I'm engaged, I've been working my way through every frickin' wedding adjacent film I've ever seen in my life - that is my version of wedding "planning" right now. That's the plateau I'm at. It is my g'damn right as a bride-to-be to wallow in rom-coms, sobbing into popcorn - this is the hill I want to die on.

ANYWHO, re-watching this gem, I'm reminded of some of the endearing life lessons, heart-wrenching scenes that will never not crush me, and the staggering confusion that I still have.

1. WHAT the ACTUAL fuck? In the opening 10 minutes, the groom-to-be (hereafter "Michael") has called his long time "BEST friend" (of NINE years - hereafter referred to by her Christian name "Julie fucking Roberts" or her film name "Jules") to ask her to be a part of his FOUR day long wedding. He is calling her on a WEDNESDAY when the wedding is SUNDAY. First off... how frickin' rude man. A four day long event? You've obviously been planning for some time and apparently have only been trying to call your best friend for a month now to get her to attend? Where were the save the dates? The invites? Or, better yet, you probably got engaged months prior and never even left a general "Hey, btw, I'm engaged" voicemail? This is such a prime example of the inconsiderate male archetype. A bro just figuring he could tell her whenever, because of course no matter how short of notice she'll be there for him. Prime example of taking advantage and being an inconsiderate asshole.*
2. AND ANOTHER THING! As a woman about to get married, I can honestly say that if my fiancé turned up a "best friend" who looked like Julia Roberts a few days before the wedding, I'd have some serious frickin' questions. (Granted, if I looked like Cameron Diaz, I mean... I guess maybe I'd be cool and all "hey girl, hey" I suppose?)
3. LOL WHAT? Oh, those two best friends (during one of their numerous hot nights), they made a pact at age 22 that if they weren't married by 28, they'd marry each other? Yeah, that sounds like a very 22 year old thing to do. The more realistic version of this "romantic pact" scenario is probably more along the lines of "Hey, you've got good hair... if I'm not married by the time I'm 40, can I use some of your sperm for an egg I've got frozen in this mini fridge under my desk...." or "Hey, if we're not married by 45, let's agree to not let each other have more than four cats."
4. THROWBACK. Some of the most heart tweaking moments are laughably 90s. When they're at the airport and Michael can basically come straight to Julia Robert's gate? Oh, pre-9/11, how we miss you! And later, when Jules is stress-smoking in the hotel hallway (as Michael is "calling off the wedding" ish) and Paul Giamatti has to explain that she's not just in a non-smoking room, but it's a non-smoking floor. HA, because remember having to specify that you wanted a non-smoking room at a hotel?
5. MELT. Speaking of that airport scene. It's the intro scene for Michael's smirk. Michael's smirk stars as the leading man in this film. He doesn't really have much charisma otherwise, but Christ almighty can that man's smirk melt a room. 
6. FOR THE RECORD. Julia Roberts was a just few years younger than I am now while filming this movie. She was around 30 when it released. Cameron Diaz was 25 (playing a 20 year old but that's neither here nor there).** There will never be a time in my life again where I can watch this movie and say "that could be me some day" because that ship has SAILED my friends, with the crop tops blowing in the wind. 
7. UM HOW? How is Julia Roberts such a revered food critic by age 28? Chalk it up for yet another film that set unrealistic expectations for me about how successful I'd be in the workplace in my twenties.
8. MIXED SIGNALS. Can anyone call Michael the "good guy" in this movie? NO. Sure, Julia Roberts does some awful shit, but she wouldn't have gone down that eight-shades-of-crazy path if it weren't for Michael being a ridiculous tease and sending her mixed messages. The quintessential "man doesn't understand changing dynamic of relationship and how it might be difficult for his best friend who's been the main woman in his life for almost a decade" moment is when Michael walks in on Jules in her skimmies (looking fine AF) is like "Oh come on, I've seen you a lot more naked than that..." and is all "You look great naked." UM, excuse me, you're about to get married, sir! How is it appropriate for you to lurk around dressing rooms ogling your ex?? Don't tell her you need her and you're jealous of her fake-gay-fiancé and all that junk, man, it's just cruel - you can tell the impact it's having on her if you're any sort of "friend" at all. 
9. POWER MOVES. Even though she's a precious sweet, Jackie O sort in this movie, Cameron Diaz is absolutely terrifying. She knows the stakes here and she's not messing around. Her awkward karaoke and random bits of crying are just strategy. After barely a few hours with Jules, she throws down a power play and TRAPS Julia Roberts in a janky elevator to let her know that she's coming out on top of this, and she's already taken the high road and knows the reality of the situation enough to see that they have to be BFFs, or Jules has to die (plot twist: when a rom-com turns into a murder mystery as the best friend who just got into town dies in a bizarre elevator accident). Cameron isn't going to be pushed around. Shortly thereafter, Jules brings on her own A game. (Julia Roberts by definition IS the A game in life.) Her at that baseball game? Creepily workin' the dads, bosses and nerdy little brother just to make a point that she's still got it? A bit awkward, but SLAY girl! (Apparently that's what gets Michael's attention - the creep.)
10. BUT FOR REALS. The karaoke scene is painful. Cameron just tries so hard. But seriously though, if anyone ever tried to make me do karaoke against my will, I'd not be graceful and precious about it. I'd probably make a mean scene. 
11. THE ELEPHANT. The whole "offer him a real job with my daddy's company so he's more of an adult" wrench that Julia tries to throw in this whole "happily ever after" plan? I mean, it's legit. Yes, it's just a plot device to cause tension, but really, why the eff are they getting married when they're so obviously on different pages about this whole "our future life together" thing?? Though Jules is using this to pry the couple apart, the scenes where she is concocting the scheme with Cameron are strangely enough, total boss lady bonding scenes. The proposal Cameron makes to Michael does make sense. But of course, the only time he shows any fire (besides whilst gawking at Jules in a fitting room) is to be a dick about it. Oh, he loves his current low-paying gig? Doesn't want to be a sell-out and take an "establishment" job?? So his bride-to-be has to quit her schooling and leave her family and run around the country with his shitty job? With no security financially and living in a constant state of flux? Um, yes, he is a sensitive sexist asshole about it - his words. HIS words. And by that scene, I'm struggling to remember why these two gorgeous woman are vying for the affections of this one man, whose only good qualities seem to be his hair, his smirk, and his ability to remember inside jokes (which he constantly references - again, without realizing how uncomfortable he's making his lady love).  
12. WHAT IS THE BILL FOR A MUSICAL NUMBER? After all the ruckus they caused at that rehearsal dinner, and all the "Say a Little Prayer" sing-along-ing, did they at least bother to tip well? Because I sure hope they did. I'd hate to be a waitress carrying a tray of drinks and have some soprano wearing foam lobster claws flailing around. Danger in the workplace, y'all. 
13. REALITY CHECK. Speaking of the real star of the film, gay BFF George is the only source of sanity in the whole movie. He is the voice of reason (literally, as Julia calls him repeatedly for insight). He immediately calls her out, asking if she really loves Michael at all, or if she just wants to win at this point. Because, fair. She had nine years to chase this man, but "didn't realize how great he was til it was too late?" Nope, I don't believe that shit, he's the same vanilla man he was before, she just is jealous and wants to be loved (fair, but like, he didn't suddenly become great is all I'm saying). When the movie is EXACTLY half way through, George lays down some hard truths and let's Julia know "he'll chose Kimmy" and that she should just prepare to say goodbye and accept this new reality. Literally cut to closing scene. George is right. Jules has to come to it on her own terms (via grand theft auto of a bread truck), but the writing was on the wall.
14. DEAD, I'M DEAD. Despite my dislike of Michael at this point, the second half of the movie is the accumulation of all the feels and tears. Because we already heard from Nostradamus-George how the movie will end, watching it play out is just a gut punch. Knowing she'll fail, but watching her try to fight, ugh. Just UGH. That culminates at the "afternoon alone together" where they're on a boat tour through downtown Chicago, and Michael perfectly lays out an opportunity for Julia to confess her love. They go under the bridge, every woman in America hysterically screams at the screen for Julia to just say something... BUT SHE DOESN'T, because she knows she's not going to win, and can't admit it knowing the outcome. And then he starts singing "Just the Way You Look Tonight" while Julia silently cries.... SOB. Just SOB.
15. SMOLDER. That PG-13 rating is solely for the scene where he takes the ring off using his mouth. No further comment needed. Holy inappropriately seductive move, Batman.
16. ACTUALLY THOUGH. I have seen women fight in public restrooms before. Audience participation is a thing. That scene, besides its perfect scripting, was just as dramatic and over-the-top as the real deal. 
17. MY HEART HAS BEEN RIPPED OUT AND STOMPED ON. So, as George predicted, Julia does the "right" thing: let's the shitty couple have each other and get married. She stands proud in her ridiculous lilac ballgown, makes an endearing speech, and even "loans" them that song that Michael stabbed her in the heart with while they were on that boat tour.*** You think the emotional gamut is fully run, and let your guard down. YOU FOOL. Cue the "departure" scene, where the happy couple runs away from their own wedding (to go to a baseball game or something dumb, presumably), as Julia watches her best friend literally skip out of her life. Forgotten, abandoned, she takes a turn, knowing that this is her emotional burden and accepting that it's time to finally move on.... And THERE is your dagger! Michael comes back for a hug, and a goodbye. I didn't see this as a thoughtful gesture. I saw it as one more power move. He gets the last word. The final goodbye. He can't just let her just move on. He has to insert himself into her life and keep her on the line. I expect this emotional torture to continue for years to come.
18. BRB, STILL WEEPING. Who could any one forget the final phone exchange with George?Supportive, dashing, full of wisdom - the real best friend of the film. The one who will help Jules pick up those pieces. 

So, despite my growing dislike for Dermot Mulroney, will I continue to come back to this film for years to come? Can I forgive it its flaws, and accept its unforgivably endearing cast just as they are? Can I love again? Yes. Because, life goes on. (And by god, at some point, there will be dancing!)

Can one literally wear out a DVD? Time will surely tell.

* Although, I have heard the counter argument that Michael didn't reach out sooner because he knew how strong his feelings were for Jules, but really wanted it to work with his new fling so he didn't want the distraction of his long-term old fling. And didn't want to put his new bang in an awkward situation. He knew he'd revert to loving the ginger. So, to avoid having to face any actual feelings, seeing what a good thing he could have with this blondie, he just decided to avoid his friend like the plague and secretly hoped she wouldn't be around at all. IS THAT BETTER THOUGH?! NO. Still awful. 

** Random aside: in 1997, Cameron Diaz also starred in one of my other fave rom-coms, "A Life Less Ordinary." She was alongside Ewan McGregor, and it's an oddball diamond in the rough. Why have you not heard of it?? Oh, well, because another (rom-com-ish) film released around the same time. A little movie called "Titanic" - and it wrecked everything else. (Get it, like...a ship wreck? Maybe? Too soon?)
*** All while the family members smile on, seemingly oblivious to literally all the shenanigans of the film. "That's just the quirky MOH, running about, no big deal." and "Kids these days!" they proclaim. This is a vital life lesson for weddings: most people won't know when shit goes wrong, so never tell. Never. 

This Provincial Life

Headline: 90s Children Rejoice as Disney Machine Churns Out Live-action Versions of Film Faves
Subtitle: As adults, can no longer ignore dark undertones

Don't get me wrong, the new live-action Beauty and the Beast is stunning. Perfect casting, great costuming, more CGI than you can shake a stick at. Classic musical numbers intermingle with this tale as old as time, and we're all drinking the kool-aid. Take my money, just take it. I'm more than happy to pay for a ticket (is like a train ticket, next stop: my youth!) and let you wring my emotions out of me for a few hours, Disney.

But, let's pause for a second here. While Beauty and the Beast was of course one of my ultimate childhood obsessions (I literally learned French and to this day am enamored over beautiful libraries), watching it through an adult lens brings a different perspective.

Setting aside some of the backstory additives in the new version (as I don't want to spoil - but like, spoiler alert, there's plague involved - WTFuck), there's a lot of things to be frustrated by.*

1. What's a gal got to do to get a little adventure around here? Ah yes, be taken prisoner and develop Stockholm syndrome. Typical.
2. "Little town, it's a quiet village." Only it's not quiet at all. The small town is abuzz with gossip and nosy people with nothing better to do than start a rumor, ruin a life, or somehow further invade the privacy of their neighbors. Small town, small mindset. The portrayal in the "Bonjour" number reminds me painfully of grocery shopping in my hometown. Can it be a good thing? Yes, people know you and want to look out for you. Can it be awful? Yes, especially if you're the "peculiar" one like in this scenario. Then it can be a terrifyingly lonely life. 
3. Who is supplying the fresh food to this hidden, isolate magic castle? And does Belle even get to take a bite to eat during the "Be Our Guest" spectacle? Girl is starved and all she gets is a finger dollop of the grey stuff??
4. "It's not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas... and thinking." HOW dreadful! Gaston literally is the patriarchy and the villagers are totally on board. Belle is ostracized for her intelligence and for wanting to lead a life beyond just that of a "little wife." The reason Belle is a good heroine is because she spends the whole movie trying to resist. You smash that patriarchy, girl! 
5. Speaking of Gaston, oh, I could go on for hours. He's labelled a "Disney Villain" for a reason, but his behavior isn't that uncommon, unfortunately. Everyday villainy occurs when gender role expectations are used to limit people.... Ladies should be thrilled to become wives. Burly men hunt and bring home food for said little wives to prepare meals for the children that they'll breed and raise. Manly men should have biceps to spare, ladies shouldn't have their nose stuck in a book.... Ugh ugh ugh. 



Let's take the muscle away from the patriarchy, shall we?

6. Doesn't a royal family typically lead the government? When the Prince and co. all just turned into creatures and were magically forgotten by everyone, was there a new government that rose up in their place to rule the kingdom? Or is it just lawlessness and lynch mobs now... oh wait... 
7. Mob mentality. There's a beast that we don't know anything about, but he looks different than us and that is scary. So grab the torches. Let's go burn this mother down. Sound archaic and silly? Well, it's just a more brutal, flaming version of building a wall really.
8. Toxic friendships. Again, Gaston is literally the worst. His bad bromance with LeFou is awful. He is domineering and treats his "friend" like shit, intimidating him into supporting his brutish antics. They try to force a woman into a marriage she doesn't want, lock up an old man, lead a riot, and overall just suck. What kind of man might LeFou be if he weren't caught up in this toxic relationship? Let this be a lesson to us all: dump the toxicity before it poisons you to death.
9. The overall premise of the curse. The castle has been under the spell for a decade by the time Belle and Beast start up their little tryst. So Beast was just a child when a creepy old woman showed up on his doorstep. A child. Not letting a stranger into the house. And we punish him for that?? I wouldn't let a stranger creepy hag into my home either, and I'm a grown ass woman. Also, why was a prince answering the door in the first place? He clearly has a whole castle full of servants. I bet Mrs. Potts would've given the old lady some tea and tucked her into bed with a kiss on her warted forehead, and then none of them would've been in this mess in the first place.
10. When the last petal falls: their humanity is gone. So, effectively, the enchantress condemns an entire castle full of people to DIE. Right now, they're running around all animated, living it up as teapots and snarky old clocks, but once that rose is petal-less, Beast becomes a beast forever, and the servants stop being lively and just become inanimate objects. They are all no longer human. The rose is a death sentence at the end of a long imprisonment for a minute crime. The justice system is totally effed when you let a pissed off enchantress (who likes to stalk around in stormy weather pretending to be an old hag??) act as both judge and executioner.  
11. Crazy old Maurice. Yeah, being an eccentric does not a lunatic make. Clearly this was set in an older time, but the fact that mental illness is still fairly taboo in this day in age is maddening. At least now we don't cart people off to terrifying facilities when they're different. 
12. Falling in love. Such an abstract concept shouldn't be put on a timer. Screw you, rose petals. Beast has been isolated with only servants as companions for years (and it wouldn't be appropriate for him to be on a personal level with them really, but, I mean, when you're cursed, rules of social hierarchy be damned). How is he supposed to be a Romeo when he lacks basic human interaction? Clearly that library wasn't stuffed with romance novels, because he's about as suave as an actual candlestick. And if he was learning how to be romantic from the talking candlestick, Lumière, then he believes romance is sneaking around and being a bit rapey with the maids. Also, he was a child when the curse was placed. So he spent all of puberty as a beast. I mean, didn't we all (amiright?!), but consider that self-confidence shot to shit. 
13. If almost all the objects in the castle are former servants - who got the short straw and became a chamber pot?
14. That magic mirror. When Belle shows up in town like, "Hey everyone, see, my dad's not a nutter, here's the beast right here in this magic mirror!" Um, lock that bitch up as a witch. If the townspeople are afraid of a beast, but not an enchantress, well, then clearly they've never rejected an old hag with a rose and suffered the consequences before.

But I digress... The new movie is fantastic. The old film is still a quintessential Disney classic. Belle still has me convinced that even we pale brunettes can pull off yellow in the right context. I should make a point to learn how to ballroom dance, just in case the need should arise. AND it's time to go stick my nose in a book and plan an adventure in the great wide somewhere. Cheers!



* It's not necessarily that the movie itself frustrates me, but that people and society are frustrating, even if they're in cartoon/movie form.
** Overall Note: none of this is new, I realize. We've been discussing the original film for over 25 years now. But with a fresh take on it, all the old thoughts were stirred up again. Wanted to keep this post spoiler-free, BUT if you wanna chat new BatB - like how they cut three of my fave scenes and how the additional back story stuff was just a device to punch my heart - I'd love to!