BabyMama & The Who Knews

As the former captain of Team No-Kids, I admittedly was super ignorant around a lot of elements of pregnancy, labor & delivery, postpartum, and just parenting stuffs in general. While the internets / socials are filled with mommy blog intel and opinions galore about the whole process, I had never really dwelled in that space. And even though I had the best of intentions with my child-bearing friends over the years - asking questions while trying to give them space to discuss their major life altering event - I honestly wasn't absorbing a lot of the details. The minutia of the thing was foreign to me. There were just so many pieces of that journey that were outside my realm that I mostly listened without understanding. And especially did not think how those things could apply to me one day.

So by the time I was down the path to parenthood myself, I was doe-eyed and stumbling. 

We've been SO grateful to have a large network of good friends and family who have been supportive, shared wisdom, paved the way, told us the tales, etc. This list is comprised of things that were surprising to me, in one way or another. Some of which I'd been warned of (because you do get all the horrid details as soon as you're already pregnant), and some I knew about, but didn't really comprehend until we were in the thick of it ourselves. (This list is obvi not all encompassing - it's what I happened to think of just now so I'm sure it's missing a lot of things.)

Pregnancy

• Your organs literally rearrange. Sure, I figured your body has to make room for a baby, so other stuff has to move a bit. I mostly thought about how things grow out, not how internal things shuffle. Obviously that's a big part of why pregnant women have to pee so often - a dozen pounds of baby and bodily fluid is now smashing down on your bladder all day. Plus, heartburn is the literal devil.
• Unexpected symptoms during pregnancy. Needing to pump up a baby, your blood really gets flowing, which for me meant bloody noses. I also found myself getting a lot of night sweats?* And, fun fact, you can get carpal tunnel while pregnant - WHO KNEW?!
• I care really deeply about my belly button. My greatest fear in life is having an outie. In the final days, it was completely flat... If it had popped out, I think I'd have just died on the spot.
• Stretch marks. Everywhere. I had mentally prepared for belly stretch marks, but the first random one that showed up in week 15 on the underside of my boob, visible only to me? Nope. Complete fucking mental breakdown. No amount of lotions or oils could save my porcelain skin and that's just life - shit comes down mostly to genetics. Mind over stretchy matter.

Labor & Delivery

• Epidurals were a mystery. I knew it was a giant needle in your spine. But I had always imagined a Pulp Fiction style needle stab: one and done. However, it is NOT one and done. It is actually a tube they put into your spine that stays there and delivers the anesthesia. There's a button where they can toggle it up or down. You lay there, with a tube dangling out your spine. What. The. Actual. Fuck. It completely blew my mind somehow that that's how they work. Oh, and you get a catheter. Momma's first surprise catheter. Which made sense because, you can't really feel a lot of your lower half. But. Um. Gross... Don't get it twisted, I LOVED having an epidural. 10/10 would do again. Still, the whole concept makes me cringe. 
• You aren't supposed to eat while laboring. Before going in for my induction, my OB told me to have a big breakfast, because I'd be on a liquids-only diet (broth, jello, juice) at the hospital. So I knew (slash secretly packed snacks), yet was not mentally prepared for not eating. I love eating. Plus, you burn a lot of energy laboring. I totally get it: there's a chance of a C-Section, which is a major operation, and they definitely make people fast before major operations usually. But still.

Motherhood & Postpartum

• Newborns make weird noises. Like a tiny caged velociraptor or a truffling pig.
• Your Period doesn't come back right away. Well, for some it does. Others it doesn't come back until after you're done breastfeeding, or just randomly later. WHY did I never know that?? (At time of writing this, I haven't had my period for 18 months - that feels insane.)
• You don't have to baby proof for a long time. Newborns are literally not mobile. No newborn is getting anywhere near your electrical outlets unless you put them there - they aren't in control of their limbs enough to poke fingers into tiny holes even if you do. The dexterity, curiosity, and ability to move about all comes so much later. I had always thought that was a must-do thing before giving birth - it's really not urgent though. (Although, you'll probably have more energy to babyproof pre-baby.)
• Nightlights are mostly for adults. So I can creep on my baby while constantly checking to see if she's breathing. (Spoiler alert: she is.) Newborns aren't afraid of the dark - they spent nine months in total darkness, they're cool with it. Fear of the dark is learned later.
• Wake windows & overstimulation. Learning how much babies sleep and how that manifests is fascinating. Overstimulation is a very real thing, which makes sense because it's literally a brand new world for them (adults get overstimulated, too, obvi, we just react differently). I'd never heard the term "wake windows" before in my life, and now they're a guideline for our day-to-day. 
• All the feels / hormones. Go see my other post, I can't recount the ridiculous weepiness again.
• The loneliness. We are lucky enough to have a big support system, with a network of caring loved ones who helped us and reached out during every step of this process. (I know I already said that - but like, seriously, without it this would've felt overwhelmingly isolating.) Many mom friends have told me about that element of loneliness, when you find yourself up in the wee small hours with a petit bebe at your breast/the bottle, listening to the not-so-gentle snores of your husband - but I always found that I was not alone during that time. There was always some other mom online or a message from their feeding an hour prior waiting for me. I was never alone in the night. It was kind of beautiful.
  BUT the thing that did get me, was when my maternity leave ended / daycare began. At the start of the pandemic, I was sent to work from home, and have yet to return to the office. As an extrovert, transitioning to being physically alone all day had its ups and downs. But I adapted. Then we had a baby. I had three wonderful months with her - all day, every day. Newborn snuggles, comforting cries, milk&music jam seshs, hand holds with itty bitty fingers - it was wonderful. I did not feel "touched out" like some moms do - I was exhausted but overjoyed. But then, I was just alone again. All day. It was such a sharp pivot, which instantly brought to the forefront all the subtle PTSD I had from the loneliness of being thrust into WFH in the first place. I missed our little girl. I didn't want to be alone. 

MilkMamahood (ie the Breastfeeding Journey)

Want to preface this: you know that scene in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory when Gene Wilder takes them on that terrifying, trippy boat ride? THAT is what I mean by "journey." THAT is what the "breastfeeding journey" vibe is. Still, I feel lucky and grateful to have been in the chocolate factory (had a healthy pregnancy/birth) at all, let alone to get on the boat (be able to breastfeed) - so not trying to diminish that bit - but mannnn it's a wild ride. 

• The boob/milk ecosystem. The lactation consultant warned me that my milk coming in would make me feel like "a busty Renaissance woman" - truer words were never spoken. While pregnant, I was alarmed at how rapidly my ta-tas were gaining size, but that paled in comparison to the early weeks postpartum. I learned a lot about how milk ducts work - and how they're basically rock hard bunches of grapes in your tits.** It's delightfully insane how human bodies work and how weird it is to keep another human life alive using my body.
• The maintenance. The volume of boob pads I've gone through (I wash reusable ones), and the amount of clothing that will just forever smell of slightly stale milk - it's unfathomable. Also, lanolin is greasy. Getting grease out of things sucks. The pump parts, the milk storage (I love our chest freezer), the endless wash. It is a fulltime job. 
• The tether. Oh, the baby is at daycare? You can just live your life same as pre-baby, right? Wrong. Time to pump! Oh, you want to run some errands or see a friend? Okay, cool, um, as long as you're only gone for a few hours because you need to get those titties back to feed the baby. Oh, the baby is sleeping through the night? Now you can finally sleep through the night? Lolz. Your boobs are leaking everywhere - grab that haakaa!
  I knew that by choosing to breastfeed, I'd be committing to the TIME it'd take to do the feeding itself, but the logistics involved and timing of it I hadn't fully understood. Your time is already not your own with a baby, but when you're their primary food source, you're absolutely on their schedule. You are fully tethered to them.*** Especially during a damn formula shortage.

There will probably never be a point where something new and surprising doesn't emerge. Where I don't learn about a new piece of this puzzle and go "Oh, wait, what?" My attempts to overshare are my way of helping someone else be less shocked while going down this road. Though I guess the eye-opening moments are all part of the experience? Wouldn't trade these WTFs for anything else. 

Figuring out this new life, together.

* There has been a running joke with my husband where I just flatly say "I am in a pool." Originally that was because I was in a pool of sweat upon waking while pregnant. Then during my delivery, when they "broke my bag of waters." Then later, in the breastfeeding era when my boobs would randomly spring a leak. Glammmmoroussss AF.

** Another ongoing laugh - me grabbing my boobs when they're too full and it's time for feeding and repeating that dumb tiktok audio of "Hollllly shit, look at these rocks!" (No idea the origin of the audio - but it's all over on videos like this and then I consumed it via the Gram, because like a true millennial I'm not on the tik nor toks).

*** Note: I did do a solo trip for 5 days to Scotland, back in April. That adventure involved me scrambling to pump in a myriad of locations in between a fully packed wedding weekend schedule. I pumped on planes and trains, in a castle, in sketchy bar bathrooms, and everywhere in between. What I did not do though was try to keep that milk and deal with the logistics of that - it was already overwhelming to manage my time around my milk - transiting it would've broken my brain completely. Even though it broke my soul to waste it. 

When Life Doesn't Give You Lemons

Two weeks after the stay-at-home orders went into effect, we made our first masked trip to the grocery store. I was armed to the teeth with hand sani, but was terrified. Entering the store, I skirted around like a paranoid lemur, or a kid playing "the ground is lava," except the people were lava... I was surrounded by lava monsters.

With my anxiety off the charts, and my inner monologue telling me that this visit to the vegetables was going to be the last thing I ever did (for surely I would catch Covid from a cucumber and be dead by morning), it wasn't going to take much to push me over the edge. I clung to a tiny paper list (afraid to touch my phone) with essentials and a few specialty ingredients. Next up: lemons. I wanted to make these 'honey lemon cloud cookies' (I started my "distract me from the end times" pandemic baking early), and I needed fresh lemons. 

This was the moment that my panic about the state of the world and my first world privilege met, and did a tango. (A poorly choreographed, sporadic tango.) There was the display stand for lemons. There was the little sign with the price. And there they were, empty little shelves, with not a single lemon to be found. 

And I immediately started crying. 

Because of a lack of lemons. 

But of course, it wasn't really about the lemons. It was because my heart couldn't take one more thing. One more change. One more uncertainty. First a cancelled honeymoon and isolation from my loved ones, and now no lemons? What was next? Where would it end? Next time would there be no food at all? Would we all end up fighting for a can of who-cares-what-veggie and bartering our wedding rings for some flour, like in those post-apocalyptic films that I binged watched throughout those early days of the pani?* That empty shelf escalated into a thousand worst case scenarios in my mind, and I let them drop via tears onto my mask, afraid to touch my face to wipe them away...

And now here we are. Over a year later. We've all had a lot of ups and downs during this time. Some of us have been really lucky, and some haven't. The mental, physical, and emotional toll has looked different for each person, with a lot of striking similarities for many. But what now? What happens after a year lacking lemons? After all this hypervigilance and fear and sadness? After months of playing worst-case-scenario-roulette? 

Well here's where I'm personally at....

1. I still plan to mostly stay at home. I'll still be working remote. I still will mostly be getting carryout instead of going to restaurants. I still won't abandon my quest to watch every single WWII documentary available on streaming services. I'm not ready to fully dive back in. If you're vaccinated, and you are ready - cool, you do you. But I'm just not there yet. There were a finite number of situations in the past year where I was to be in a crowded space with strangers, and I spent a month leading up to those events having absolute panicked meltdowns, put my best game face on for the benefit of others when the time came, and then hyperventilated and sobbed in the shower for an hour once the events were over. I'm not saying it was entirely rational, but I'm not saying you'll see me out at the bar every weekend now either.  This might take me some time, and I know that probably feels weird, but I'm just not the exact same as I was before (yet? ever?), and I can't help it. Thanks for being cool about it.
2. I'm only seeing certain people in person. They're vaccinated, they haven't shown a total disregard for human life during this, and I miss them. Honestly, I'm coming out of this pani with major fucking trust issues, so while I will always care about the people I've always cared about, there are some people who I just probably don't need to ever interact with in person again, based on recent actions. And that's okay. It sucks, but it's okay. Those I do see, I may only see briefly, and it may be outside, but I'll be very overjoyed just the same. 
3. You'll probably still see me wearing a mask. At the time of typing this, only about 37% of Americans are fully vaccinated. Wearing masks is still important for those who aren't. You know, solidarity. And honestly, wearing a mask has never been a bother to me, even with my asthma. So, if it doesn't bother me, it shouldn't bother you. Don't make it painfully awkward, don't bombard me with your opinions about it, just let me do my thing. 
4. You might need to be patient with me. I might not be okay with more than a quick hug, even though I really, really miss hugs. I might only want to chat/hang out for a brief time and then leave because I'm exhausted, or anxious. I might get frustrated when I finally feel okay about seeing you in person and you say you can't because you have other plans (Is everyone just making tons of plans?? That feels too devil-may-care for me right now, in my social-prude state.). And I might be unnecessarily pissy that I didn't hear from you more when I was really down and needed you to (virtually) show up - though that's not fair, because you were going through your own shit and I likewise probably wasn't there for you when you needed me to be.** Basically: I might come with more emotions than I normally do, and they might be sitting out on my shoulder making faces, instead of tucked away neatly in my purse like usual. 
5. I still worry about things, even when they're beyond my control. I know, I know, I know, worrying constantly about things beyond your control isn't sustainable. I get it that I have a finite sphere of influence, and that in all this, I can just do what I can to control my own personal actions to do my personal best to protect myself and my loved ones. I can't make someone else get vaccinated. I can't control what nutball conspiracy theories someone adds to a spew mountain of Facebook comments, or who believes them. I can't influence global policy to ensure equity in vaccine distribution. But that doesn't mean my heart doesn't break when I see this virus ravaging India, or when I hear about an immunocompromised person who was unable to get vaccinated dying, or when I witness the anxiety amongst my friends with kids who don't know how best to protect their little ones with the world reopening. I wish I could just shut off that switch and say "I'm good, I'm vaccinated, so, the pandemic is over for ME, let's get back at it!" but I am not there. This thing is still happening. And the longer it goes unchecked in some areas, the more likely it is to mutate and come back around to impacting me - so yes, I'll probably continue to worry and care and be vocal and if that bothers you, well, then shoo. Because my mama bear nature applies on a wider scale. 

There is going to come a point where I'll look back on and read old posts and statuses from this time and not feel them so deeply maybe. Right now, when timehop puts me back a year, I just nod and find that I am in a very similar mental frame now as I was then. The lemons might be back on the shelf, but that shelf still feels empty. I hope it won't forever. And I hope someday this will feel like a distant memory. In the meantime, stay safe, friends, and treasure your lemons while ye may.

And for now, we look for alternatives.

* Yes, I sometimes call the pandemic a "pani," like it's some sort of casual friend that I have a little nickname for. I know other people call it other things. I know it's stupid. But I need to minimize this monster in my mind sometimes in order to survive, so just let me have this silly quip. 

** Don't worry, I promise not to ever talk about this outloud with any of you. What's past is past, I know we all did our best and our individual best looked different on different days for each of us. So some days when I was curled up in a ball and needed you, you might have been in your own ball needing me - this year was just a stalemate of support in so many cases, and what good is it actually being pissy about it? So, just know that this subtle bitterness is all in my head and won't ever surface in person. Love you, mean it. 

The Whole of the Moon

2020-One. 2020-Won? 20.21. 

Here we go again. Another turn of the page, as we flip into a new year. It's hard to imagine what the encore to 2020 could look like. Since I can't see the future (would I want to??), all I can do is craft a vibe I'm aiming for and try to fulfill that, regardless of the landscape I find myself in. 

For my typical start-of-year list (see oldies 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019), I never included a "word of the year" until this past year. In 2020, I had both a word and song. The song was the vibe I wanted to root to. The word, a theme to aspire to. Maybe doing both ended up jinxing things, so this year I'm sticking with just a jammer: "The Whole of the Moon" by the Waterboys. 

As a high level, I want to be more big picture. These past nine months, it's been easy to get tripped up and caught on small hurdles. To feel like I'm failing in little moments, and not realize the bigger accomplishments. As someone who is both parts of this song, I need to find a better balance between the two. 

I wrote up some elaborate novel in which I had a goal based on various song lyrics, but wowww was that sure overthinking things. So, I scrapped that and started over. And then I let a few days pass, and the world flipped on its head again (lol attempted coups, who knew? *weeps*). And then I scrapped everything again. Now, I'm returning back, a few weeks in, having rethought several times, and here's what we've got. 

• Wander out in the world. To be honest, I spent most of 2020 afraid to go outside. Even with my mask, and hand sani, and a doe-eyed desire to experience nature in safe, wide-open spaces, I found myself completely overwhelmed by the amount of other people out and about. This year, I'm hoping to get outside more, on less occupied suburban streets. To manage my anxiety and the people-phobia I've developed. And hopefully, we can also finally have a honeymoon / travel again.* 
• Write it out. Get back into writing for fun, not just for a place to dump my existential crises. (I had no idea that was the plural for 'crisis' - English is fucking fascinating.) 
• Create my own Brigadoon. These early months will probably be very home-centric. Since I can't go seek paradise via travel, I need to make our home our own sanctuary. (I also want to make sure our house looks nice for when people can finally come see it, but that's secondary to our own comfort in these winter months.) 
• More music. Jammers. More jammers. Because I spend too much of the day in silence otherwise.
• Be better in relation to others. A better wife, daughter, sister, friend, coworker, neighbor, etc. I have an expectation of what it looks like to "properly" fulfill all those roles, but with changing times, so too we must change our approach. Keeping myself grounded so I can be a better me for others is so important to me. Get back to being an anchor instead of a free-floating chunk of ocean garbage. And make sure everyone knows how grateful I am for them. Spread that love. Get a little more outward, instead of retreating inward.
• Stretch for the stars. My default "comfort" position is more-or-less a hunchback / fetal position mix. I can physically feel my body withdrawal into itself when I'm stressed out. So, once again, my posture needs a lot of work. While WFH has given me the gumption to not be completely chained to my desk all day long, it also means I've been working in less-than-ergonomically-pleasing setups for months. I need to keep the old body limber as I move into my palindrome year. 
• Keep my blood pumping. Speaking of being stationary too much... I need to get in some more cardio this year, and try to get my resting heartrate to a better place. 
• Figure out how to better contribute to the world. I want to figure out composting. Search for some local organizations to be involved with to help my immediate environment. Do some garbage pickup. Something. The joke at my job when things are high tension has always been, "Take it easy, we're not saving lives here." But maybe I want to be? Maybe I want to do something that's more beneficial to others? Since that isn't something in the cards in my current occupation, I need to look for philanthropy elsewhere. 
• Continue to curate my wardrobe. During quarantine, I got pretty active on Poshmark: getting rid of clothes that no longer matched me (for physical fit or appearance) and buying other secondhand items with those earnings. Helping close that loop and avoid new garments digitally, since hopping to thrift stores wasn't feasible. As I curate, I also need to be better about my ghost outfit.** I need to dress myself each day in a way that's less "trapped at home" and more presentable. And all day, not just a rapid change ten minutes before my husband gets home so he doesn't think I'm a scrub.
• Unfurrow my brow. I may have done permanent damage already. These worry lines may not go away. Must quit showing my apprehension on my face. 
• Keep learning and unlearning. We all have a lot of implicit biases and a lot of what we've learned in life is a product of our immediate environment. I'd like to continue to learn and grow, and unlearn where I need to. To continue to support BIPOC-owned businesses. To do what I can to be a part of the solution and not a part of the problem - by educating myself and advocating for others. I want to practice and get better about having conversations around race and other important topics. I tried hard in 2020 to learn and eloquently discuss, but I know I didn't always do a good job. Sometimes my good intentions didn't come through verbally or I got too frustrated. I need to do better. We all can do better.
• Budge the budget. Now that we have a house, our expenses are different. As we settle in and figure out how much it costs to "run" this household, I'm exciting to dig in on our budget. We had a large amount saved up for a down payment, and now that we've doled that out, we want to figure out how much of our other savings/incoming funds can go into investments with a higher return.*** 
• Keep the vices to a minimum. I've been largely sober this pandemic, because I know what a slippery slope it'd have been to hit the bottle during these unprecedented times. I'd like to keep that up (or down?). But I also need to look at some of my other vices, like my massive sugar consumption, and figure out how to stomp them down a bit. I don't want to emerge from the plague times as a junkie in any respect. 
• Micro progress is still progress. Instead of setting specific long term goals, I'm focusing on a short list of goals each week (many which lend themselves to larger / longer run ones). Not even each month, but each week, because if there's anything last year taught us, it's how much things can change on a dime. Looking ahead more than a week may not be practical. This also gives me flexibility to make progress and keep it right within my sights, even during emotional roller coasting based on global/national events. 

Yeah, the above are vague and overarching. That's the point of them. The weekly goals will focus on specific actions that feed in, but for now, a broad stroke is the best this gal can do. Sure, I probably missed some stuff in the re-workings, too. But I'll be damned if I was going to wait another week to try and get my new years post out. Sending you off with a wish: may 2021 be kinder to us, and may we all be kinder to ourselves and each other. Go team.

Make today your bitch, friends.

* Anyone else seem to have all of their 2020 trips just plopped into the new year? Last year was supposed to be a big travel hurrah for us... looks like maybe we'll try for it again?

** If you haven't heard this particular line - basically, it's the concept that the clothes you die in will be the ones you're stuck wearing as a ghost forever. Since death is unpredictable, you should always dress yourself in an outfit that is comfortable, fashionable, and reflects who you are, because you never know which outfit may end up being your garb for the rest of eternity.

*** I love talking money shit, so if anyone ever wants to dig in on savings and budgeting, you just hit this girl up!

Hindsight Is: 2020 Edition

Woof. 2020. We've (mostly) made it through.

Every year before I write this post, I go back to read my previous "Hindsight is" posts. (Linked here, if you feel like a trip down my memory lane: 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019). The stark contrast of this year to prior ones was almost laughable, but mostly sadable. Like, so sadable. The state of the union left something to be desired, putting it lightly!

2020 was like looking both ways before crossing the street, and getting hit by a plane. But funny enough, when also looking back at my goals post for this year, I felt an odd sense of calm. Even though I came at it much more sideways than I intended, I really did accomplish a lot of the vibe I set out for. It was to be the year of clarity - and even though things were extremely unpredictable, after I went through all the stages of grief for this "year of loss," I did come through the other side with a better understanding of my personal feels, relationships, etc. It was a real trip reading that post and reflecting.

Anywho, onto the 2020 recap...
((Note that this more or less completely fails to capture the dumpster-fire nightmare and wholesome wonderfulness and terror and joy that was 2020 - but, it's what came out when I typed.))

• We survived. Literally the biggest accomplishment. Surviving a pandemic, political turmoil, civil unrest, and everything in between. My car window was smashed in at one point, just to ice the cake. And while it seems like a lifetime ago, it was only February when my husband was in a tragic active-shooter situation at his workplace. I was so thankful for his safety then, and am grateful every day for the health and safety of so many loved ones during these trying times. 
• We moved up and out. We purchased our first home, moving up to the northern burbs and out of apartment living. I moved up to (another) a new role at work. And, our plant family expanded at an exponential rate.
• We celebrated life. Before the world shut down, we had a roaring 20's themed new years, a memorable Leap Day party, wing night, baby showers, lady pal movie night, happy hours and brunches, and of course the Shamrock Shuffle viewing before the lockdown. Weddings, showers, bachelorettes: everything looked different in a year of masks and Zoom gatherings. During our self-quarantine, we turned to virtual events like everyone else. Sidewalk visits and awkward video calls, with a constant theme: we miss each other and love each other and care so much about keeping one another safe. I also excessively celebrated the hatching and fledgling weeks of the baby falcons atop Miller, with the live cam feed that got me through the longest spring of my life. From watching space launches to getting video messages about random nonsense, ever little virtual moment felt like a big moment.
• We donated. Since it was more difficult to physically donate time, we did a lot of donating via straight-up cash. Being financially lucky during this time, we were able to put funds towards causes that matter to us, to try and help in the way we felt we could. We also volunteered to do absentee ballot processing on Election Day, which made for a good distraction and was really cool to be a part of history.*
• We escaped. Even though our honeymoon and several other trips were cancelled, we did take several days away in August, just to get out of our small apartment. Cooking and staying at an AirBNB in lake country was just the ticket. We also escaped through countless hours of television and movies, much like everyone else. I also meant to take up reading and failed, but did really get in a puzzle groove.
• We tracked. In January, we tallied up and realized we were eating out too often. So, in February, we foolishly did a month of NOT eating out - sigh, if only we'd have known. My bullet journal turned into a way for me to be more mindful of the days - noting if I'd gone outside, or spoken to friends or family, or eaten. Counting the hours of sleep lost or gained. And a daily note of the number of Covid deaths and infections, which kept my heart in a constant state of mourning, but also in a state of deep resolve - staying inside, not seeing my loved ones: that time lost could be time gained in the future. It could be a life saved. It was worth it. 

This summary lacks a lot of the depth of this crazy time, but it's been hard to put into words this turning point in history we've all experienced together. And how different we've each experienced it. I'm sad, mad, grateful, hateful, and every other feel, all at once, when thinking back. These months taught us all so much. Some of those lessons, I'm not at all happy about. And others, I really needed to learn. May this all help us grow and make a better world as we move forward. May we be stronger together, even when physically apart. May 2020 be a watercolor in the rain, and 2021 a blank sheet. A fresh start.

Slap some paint over 2020. Gloss 'er up a bit.
Time for a fresh start.

* I highly recommend volunteering to help at the polls or with absentee ballot processing to anyone who wants to better understand the election process. It was absolutely fascinating and it felt really good to contribute and help. (And, we ended up on the homepage of the New York Times!) You can contact your local elections commission for more info. 

The Year of the Cat

2020. Not just a new year, but a new decade. Holy cats.

Before I pop into my typical start-of-year lists (such as those done for 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019), I'd like to point out that the title of this post is not actually accurate, but it's more a stylistic choice. 2020 will actually be the Year of the Rat, which is in direct conflict with the Cat. But, when I think about how I want this year to feel, I want to feel like I'm being wrapped in the smooth jam of an Al Stewart song, with the coolness of its Casablanca inspo. (Plus, the Cat is sure-footed and shares the characteristics of the Rabbit, in that it's earnest and determined to move forward towards its goals.) It's all a lot of flim-flam, but it feels like the feel I want for 2020.

If you'd have asked me moving into the last decade the "feel" I'd probably be seeking for the roaring '20s kick-off, I'd have painted a pretty Gatsby picture, heavy in debauchery, and not pointed to a soft rock song from the late '70s... but such is the turn life takes. And as I see stranger after stranger posting their "word of intention" for the new year, that leads me to cozy up with the "Year of the Cat" and my word of choice: CLARITY.

20/20 vision. 20/20 focus. Totally clear. In place of several years of chaos and scramble, 2020 will be the year of coherence, with freedom from ambiguity. Transparency: with my new husband, friends, family, coworkers; with finances, with intentions, with my thoughts. Simplicity in my emotions. Exactness in my actions.

It'll take a bit to settle into this word/goal/thing, but that's the aim. Clarity.

So, here are a few of the aims to that end.

1. Wrap up the wedding. It's time to stop putting off the remaining items just so I can secretly cling to the day a little longer. 2019 was the year of the wedding, 2020 is not. That means it's time to... Sell off any lingering wedding items I can (finally). Get the dress dry-cleaned/preserved. Finish reviewing vendors. Post up all the photos. Also: finish writing up the wedding related posts I started. They're all half done, may as well birth those babies. Time to take a clear step forward into newlywed status.
2. Be a better friend. Make the phone calls. Send the texts. Schedule the time and see the faces. Last year was a very selfish year for me and I emerged feeling like I'd let people down on the friendship front. Time to spread a little kindness and joy. (For family, too!) I want it to be clear that I care, and for people to know they're loved. 
3. Try to help the climate: both physically and politically. I've finally gotten better about bringing my own grocery bags to the store - time to level up. Because when Lewis the koala died, I literally wept. So, I couldn't handle the whole world going up in smoke. Also, it's an election year, and one of the best ways to help this dear planet will be to help elect officials who will pass policies to help and not hinder. I've got donations lined up, am hoping to volunteer at the convention, and overall won't make the same mistake as last time in not doing enough to help. There should be no confusion around how important elections are, and we need a focused effort to elect intelligent officials who will represent the best interests of the people (and the planet).
4. Bujo. Yes, I'm turning from my spreadsheets to a more artsy form of tracker and am dabbling in bullet journaling. Many habits will be tracked. Many doodles will be doodled. Many things will be put to paper with pretty colored pens. Thoughts and tasks are actionable and clear when written out.
5. My bod, my temple. 2019 was a big year for focusing on keeping my outward appearance in tip-top shape for the big day. This year I want to get back on that wagon (which, tipped over and rolled down into the river the past several months), and focus on the inward, too. I tried to calm my inner gossipy-bitch and rage-monster last year, but there's definitely more work to be done on that front. I need to more clearly understand my motives and feelings, and have a comprehensive plan to treat my body better.
6. Dejunk the junk. There is a real possibility we'll be moving out of our east side apartment at some point in the next few years. Time to start purging and streamlining now so I can avoid chaos for future-Gina. Simplify your stuff, and you simplify your life.
7. Days go by. Sometimes I fall into a binge-watching, life-on-the-couch funk (especially in the winter months) and realize my time could have been spent better elsewhere. This year I'd like to put more towards the elsewhere. I need to focus. 
8. Shaking that money maker. The beau* and I have been reviewing finances. I have spent the last several years rather proud of my financial situation, since having paid off my debt in 2018, and am still very proud, but when combining with a man who left college sans debt, I now feel woefully behind. What's his is mine and all that aside, we'll be attacking 2020 together, with combined forces, squaring away a money-gameplan for the big expenses ahead. I also want to be more mindful in general of what I'm putting money towards.** We're both being transparent with what we've got and where we want to go on the cash front, and will consult a professional to have a more exact approach. We want to keep things simple and keep prosperity a'bloomin'.
9. Get back to basics. What things do I enjoy doing? Time to do them. Puzzles. Writing (hey, blog, I think I've missed you). Chit chatting on the phone. Buying the fancy cheese. Playing dress up and going dancing. Reading a magazine about home storage and organization shit that I'll never actually do. Listening to disco. Writing snail mail. Simplicity and happiness. 
10. Work. Life. Balance. Starting another new role meant digging my brain into another new challenge. Those wheels tend to keep spinning outside office hours, and I have to get back to compartmentalizing. And really ought figure out if the career path I'm on is the right one. Introspection and crafting a clear path for myself, and figuring out how I want to spend the next 35 years of my work life. 
11. Charting a course. 2020 will not be short on adventures, with at least three bouts in Europe (and possibly a fourth) currently in the works. Itinerary crafting is one of my favorite hobbies, and since one never knows what the upcoming years might hold, I want to optimize our travels while we're still able to make them. A clear cut plan to make our journeys simple so we can enjoy our time together abroad. 

Precision and definition. Purposeful intent. Clarity. Working on clarity. I'm hoping that early on in this new decade, I'll have gotten to a point where I've calmed the anxiety in my mind and have a grip over what feels like looming chaos, and that this will be a kickoff year in a confident decade of positive change. Whatever happens, I'll sprinkle in as many buzzwords as possible. Because if there is one thing that's as clear as mud and totally lacking any ambiguity, it's a good buzz word! Cheers to the roarin' twenties, and the dawn of a new decade, friends!

Crystal clear. Object in frame. Focused.

* Now that he's a husband, I felt like maybe I should update the beau's blog name to something more appropriate, like mari (French for husband). Because hubby, hubs, etc. area all nicknames that make him sound like a walrus (which he is not, please his tiny-framed heart). And calling him my love or my man both have awkward connotations as well. But I'm still uncertain with the term so for now he'll still be beau. Also, I'm a little bummed that I didn't take advantage of calling him my betrothed more often - missed opportunity there!
** I read a financial bit of advice the other day that weirdly struck me. Ask yourself the question: if a stranger printed out your bank statement for the last month, who would they say you are? ((Insert blown mind chunks here)) Introspection is important.

Hindsight Is: 2019 Edition

On the blog-front, 2019 was a big old flop, for which I'd like to apologize sincerely. To those who plan a wedding and pump out mad content: major props. I did not share that talent and instead let all my planning and prep and wedding time thoughts swirl about in my mind, incoherent and unable to be relayed to y'all. I posted about a quarter my usual rate, and what came out was mostly gibberish. So if you're feeling like you need some solid gold oldies, go relive my better blog years with some of these past recaps for 2016, 2017, and 2018.

On the home-front, it was a year of much anxiety and celebration. A year of feeling whelmed in all shapes and forms. It was a year of supreme selfishness and break taking, and yet one with an outpouring of love and laughs. I've been grateful for all the support from all fronts.

So, here's a quick bop back into the past 365:

Content Consumption: A great distraction from one's own responsibilities is enjoying the work of others. This year saw some major finales in TV (Game of Thrones - farewell to our meat & mead nights!) and film (MCU phase 1, the latest Star Wars trilogy, etc.). I consumed several more books via our I'm-shocked-it's-still-about-books Book Club. Two must-see shows were seen, when my mom and I hit up concerts for both Cher and Elton John (not together - that double act would literally kill the audience with hits). And, after spending years joking about how impossible it was to get tickets, we finally got the tickets and went to see Hamilton.

Celebration of Others: From baby showers to birthings to baptisms. From many a birthday bash to a grad party or two. Supporting loved ones through moves and divorces, celebrating housewarmings and new beginnings. Giving a surprise-can-you-give-a-speech-in-an-hour speech for my mom's well-earned retirement. Witnessing not one but TWO book launches, as I saw the people who said they were going to write their novel actual write and publish their novels (go buy them here and here - to support your own collection of good-books and those dream-doers). And of course, a big celebration of love for the weddings of various friends this year (including a trip literally to the other side of the planet to witness one of my very dearest friends marry the love of her life).

Celebration of Life: Wing nights / hot sauce challenges. Another full-house Passover Seder. A Halloween party in which we actually had a couples costume-ish. Many a family brunch. Much happy houring with old coworkers and very old friends. A growing Friendsgivinukkah bunch. And many more. As much as I spent the year hiding from people, with my head down wedding planning, we still squeezed in a lot of small moments of joy with some of our nearest and dearest - and it was so very nice.

Celebration of Us: I'm not even going to pretend it wasn't a big year for Andy and I as a dynamic duo. The year was an evolution of us as a couple as we planned one of the biggest parties we'll ever throw. I spent many months as a ball of anxiety and he was a steadfast rock, as always. I tried to keep our health and happiness top of mind and work through all we could in advance to make our big day spectacular. Along the way, leading up to the wedding itself, we celebrated our fifth anniversary, were showered with love for various events, and both survived our bachelor(ette) outings. Having so much love pour in to celebrate our love made for such a fun filled year, and one big day that I'll never forget. We're officially an us now forever!

Some Travels: Work trips to NYC, Chicago and Minnesota kept me moving in a year in which my job title changed yet again. And while we said we would take the year off travelling to save/prep for our own wedding, we found ourselves taking a big adventure to Thailand to be a part of another beautiful wedding. It was the first time either of us had been to Asia and was literally the farthest from home I've ever been (#SamwiseGamgee) - and I think I'm still processing just how fascinating it was. We also traveled a bit more locally, as we took a brief mini-moon in the days after the wedding and later spent several days down in Chicago while my love ran his second marathon.

Etc: I did a full dive into my closet, which will now have to be redone since I'm back to my tiny bob hair, post-wedding! Reported for jury duty for the first time in my life (and spent a glorious day relaxing in a waiting room). Spent many months wedding planning and feverishly hunting for bargains. Dug deep into our finances as we set our sights on combining. Spent a good deal of time being a recluse. Got caught in my own head and lost for days at a time. Rediscovered my candy addiction but also chipped away at some weight loss leading up to our big day (don't worry, I found it again since lol).

This year, I focused really hard on trying to lay low and keep stress levels minimal, and yet somehow we were rather busy anyways. It seems a strange year to look back on since it was filled with such very high highs and yet also some extreme lulls. It felt very much like a turning point year, and I'm leaving it feeling exhausted and excited. Cheers to the turn of a new decade: the '010s held my 20s, and so the '20s shall hold my 30s, with a new name, and the next chapter in this book that now holds two lead characters instead of just my one. Wishing everyone a brilliant start to the year ahead.

What to do when you get engaged... BESIDES wedding planning

You've got the ring, the witty announcement is smeared all over social media, and you're officially a card-carrying fiancé. Time to immediately plan the wedding, right? WELL, yes, a few things you do need to nail down and discuss right away in relation to planning, but in general, I'd argue that there are a few other things you need to start on right away that are equally as important as the in-the-weeds planning bits. Because remember, you're dealing with a finite amount of time before the big day!

Note : there are certain things I had every intention of doing right away, that I've put on this list, that I definitely flopped and flayed at. So, you know, hindsight is 20/20 and just know yourself and your own discipline. Also, for those busy couples: I've added a "TL;DR" to each point.

1. Discuss and decide on wedding basics
• Where and what size? In your city of residence? A hometown? Elsewhere? Big, small, or destination? Church vs courthouse? Country vs city? Before you go into the next bullet, have a general idea on whereabouts / scale.
• But really... what size? Each of you make a list, separately, of all the people who are a MUST for attendance at your wedding (you can denote some "maybes," as well, if you're struggling). Then compare lists. Anyone who is on both lists is an automatic yes, anyone who isn't goes straight to the maybe list. Now see what that number is and go back to the first bullet and see if it's reasonable. If your list is 300 people and you wanted to get married in a tiny lighthouse on the coast, well, you need to reconsider. 
• Time of year? Think about what you want and what goes best with what you were thinking for location. We live in Wisconsin, so, winter snow would have been a logistics nightmare. If you want a destination wedding to a tropical island, make sure it's not hurricane season. If you're a teacher and don't want to take vacation time for a honeymoon right after, then aim for summer. (Also, if you really want to take that honeymoon immediately after, make sure it's a good season for your desired destination, too.)
• Why does the above matter right away? Because it will give you a good idea of how long you've got to plan (if it's fall and you want it the upcoming spring, get a move on!) AND how much your wedding might be on the cost spectrum, plus how long you'll have to save money, which leads into item two.
• TL;DR: deciding generally the "who, when, where" will tip off every other discussion point for planning.


Talk money


• If you haven't discussed finances with your partner before getting engaged...erm... maybe have a very in-depth and serious talk about it before you even announce your engagement to everyone? Because money can really expose some awful or wonderful things, and they can both have a huge impact on your relationship.
• Look at your finances right this minute* and think how much you're both willing to pay towards a wedding. Do you have other major financial goals so want to keep it small? Is this the thing you've been saving for all these years anyways, so go big or go home? Based on ONLY the money you two have, decide what kind of wedding you want to afford. (And decide immediately if you're willing to take on any additional debt to make your vision come true.) Be on the same page before talking to anyone else about wedding finances. 
• Then have the awkward convo with family if you're hoping to have any additional funding from parents, etc. Be frank with them and get a solid commitment on an amount/percent/contributing element/whatever. If anyone sounds wishy-washy, don't count their money toward your budget. If it happens to come in then, great, but you won't have been relying on it to cover basics.**
• Now reassess that vision, and adjust based on financials, if needed. As a couple, know where you want your money to be going and get a plan. Once you go to start looking into venue options, food, etc, you'll quickly figure out how realistic )or unrealistic) vision vs price tags are. Before you put money down on ANYTHING, be sure you've got the big picture cost in mind compared to your budget.
• Money tip during planning: each partner should define what their number one most important element of the day is (the perfect dress? an open bar? a great photographer?) and those are the only two things that you're allowed to stress and splurge on. Everything else, save as much as you can on because those elements just aren't as important. 


Decide how to pay for everything


• Do you want to open a joint checking account and each dump x amount into it and only pay with a debit card? Or, get a joint credit card with a really good rewards system (hello, cash back and airline miles!)? Or, have each of you split spending from your own accounts? Pick what works best for you as a couple and stick to it.
• A budget spreadsheet is king. Track every little wedding related thing you spend on, and don't forget to add the "I saw these diamond ring paper clips and I thought they'd be cute for vendor tips" type shit too - because it all adds up! It's the only way to get a true scope of what you're putting towards this event. And if you have a tight budget to stick to, you can't afford (literally) to not see where funds are going.
• TL;DR: know where your money is going and be on the same page about how it gets there.


Get a communication plan


• Make a joint email account for all wedding related / vendor communication
• Gather up your spreadsheets (former brides and online resources, FTW!)
• Plan out with your partner how to tackle to-dos. I wish we'd have approached this in a more organized way - I had a lot of checklists, don't get me wrong, but I could've done better about communicating expectations for what the beau should be working on (and WHEN it needed to be done by).
• Decide how often you want to "talk wedding" -- right up front it will be a LOT of wedding stuff, as you lock in the big vendors and make those first major decisions. But after that, it doesn't need to be everyday, or you'll both go crazy. I drove the beau nuts at various points, because I was constantly being bombarded, so it was always on my mind, and it's not good. Especially if you have a longer engagement - space it out.
• Figure out how to communicate vision out to vendors/bridal party, too. A streamlined Pinterest board with a few key focal points, a day-of timeline in a Google Sheet, etc.
• TL;DR: Decide how to track shit and stick to it!


Hydrate and Sleep!


• Proper hydration improves mood, can help prevent overheating, keeps your brain working properly, makes your skin healthier, and just does all the good things. Focus on it throughout the engagement (and life!).
• Proper sleep has sooo many benefits, I can't even begin to list. Most importantly: it will help keep you in a better mood during what will be a stressful period in your life of major changes and major planning. 
• TL;DR: If you're not already on track, hydrating properly and getting enough sleep should become your number one "treat yo'self" objectives!


Get ready to run the full gamut of emotions


• Be prepared for an outpouring of love... and a lot of disappointment.
• It will amaze and fill you with so much joy when you see how many people are excited for your new adventure. Even people who aren't invited will show such kindness and genuine happiness and it will make your heart want to explode. 
• You will also get to experience a horrible, nostalgic sadness when you realize which people you envisioned being a part of your celebration years ago, who you're no longer close with. 
• There will be people who you imagined on the dance floor, or sharing a toast with, but who won't be able to attend due to family situations, financial limitations, physical distance, etc. And you'll have to accept that it's just one day, and not everyone will chose to be there for it, even if you invite them.
• You'll feel frustration with vendors, or family. And you'll feel elated when you see things start to come together. 
• Get ready to cry from joy, from stress, from those lingering thoughts of your grandma not being there as you walk down the aisle, from the look on your mom's face when she sees your dress for the first time, from the letters you wrote to ask your best gals to be bridesmaids, and everything in between. My face has been flowing like Niagara Falls these past ten months!
• You may also turn into a cold, hard bitch at times. And you know what, it's your right to be adamant about how you want things done. If you're like me, you'll find ample apologies. 
• TL;DR: Be ready to own up to all those emotions and just ride that wave, baby! And as always : check yourself.


Exercise, now, don't wait


• Endorphins. They make you happy. You need that for the stress.
• If you have some specific fitness level in mind for you to feel like your best self on the day of your nuptials, then start working immediately. Time is only on your side for a bit, until it's not. (Remind your mama of this, as well, if she needs to hear it, so she's not frustrated when trying on dresses later.)
• Even if you don't have a specific goal, it's nice to be as healthy and fit as possible when officially kicking off your 'new life together,' right? So, get in more steps, or do a ten minute workout video three times a week, or something. 
• Be realistic. Know yourself and how much time/energy you're willing to commit. If your body wears stress heavily, don't push yourself to a breakdown. Instead, commit to something small and keep consistent. And if you want to really hit it (bless your heart), then make sure you're carving out that time for yourself in among the rest, and prioritize your goal!
• Dress tip: pick one that you'll be comfortable in based on the body you have, not the body you dream of getting (unless you've got mad willpower, then good for you!). Make sure you'll be comfortable - so if there's a part of your bod you feel self-conscious about, don't pick a dress that accents it! Confidence is the most beautiful thing a woman can wear! 
• TL;DR: make smart fitness goals and chip away over time.


Plot out long-term beauty plan items


• Want flowing long hair? Start growing it out and taking vitamins now! Or look into extensions (factor in your budget) if you know you won't have time. And get that fancy shampoo to keep your luscious locks in primo condition.
• Want teeth whitening or straightening? Straightening takes time, so get to your dentist! Whitening you can just go with toothpaste or ramp it up with strips or at the dentist office. Decide how you want to approach it.
• Start a moisturizing routine: keep that skin looking nice! Get special under-eye cream if you want to attack that area.
• Have scars that you don't want showing? Get on that Mederma! It takes weeks to be fully effective but really works awesome!
• SUNSCREEN! No one wants awkward tan lines. Make sure you're taking care of your skin and being cautious of sun exposure. 
• Get on a vitamin regime and/or make sure you're adjusting what you're eating to get you to a good place physically. Tip top shape, y'all!
• Weekly facemasks, hair masks, the occasional foot soak, taking care of your nails, limiting your alcohol consumption, going vegetarian a few days a week: whatever ongoing goodies you need to feel your best, get the cycle going!
• TL;DR: if you've been treating your bod like crap, it's a big ship to turn so start turning it now! Stay healthy to keep happy!

Sunburn? Not today, Satan!




Focus on your fucking posture (she said, angry at herself)


• No one wants to be slouchy in all their photos. And posture takes a long time and a lot of work to correct, so get started! 
• There are tons of videos online about posture stretches. Make sure your desk is set up properly (and get up out of your chair at work as often as you can!). Focus on standing/sitting up straighter in general. Be cautious of your Netflix-binge posture. 
• Warning: I started with this one really aggressively and ended up straining my chest muscles to the point that I thought I was having a heart attack (that's a story for another day). So, ease into it, just like other forms of working out! Muscles need time to adapt.
• TL;DR: don't be a bridal Quasimodo!


Protect your time


• I am allllll about saying yes to things. A full calendar is a happy calendar, in my mind. But, during your engagement, don't overbook yourself. Especially if you're doing all the planning by yourself, you're going to be busy and stressed, and sometimes you're just going to want to lay on the couch and stare at a wall and not talk to anyone. Let yourself. Schedule time for planning, schedule time for relaxing : make them priorities. Keep yourself running at a sustainable pace.
• That also means protecting time with your partner. You two are in this together, so spend time together. Keep nurturing that relationship and remember that it's the reason for all the stress, so protect it above all else. 
• TL;DR: clear up that calendar and relax.


Get your DIY gameface on
• If you plan to DIY, start mentally preparing. Figure out who your crafty friends are so you can borrow stuff (or time) from them. Sign up for every email newsletter you can from craft stores and get ready to roll in those coupons! 
Smile and feel that joy


• If you're lucky, you only get married once. So, before the planning frenzy, and throughout, take some time just to be excited. Take a second to think about having found your person and let that shit-eating-grin sit on your face a bit longer than necessary.

Yes, there will come a point were wedding planning is the big thing you dive in on. But getting started with the things above, and keeping consistent with some of them throughout, can help keep you grounded. And can make sure you don't go "aw shit, I wish I'd have started this sooner!" Remember: engagement is finite. It's a very small window of time during one's life. So, keeping grounded is key.

Anything I missed in my list that you wish you'd have done right away after getting engaged??

* DON'T look at your money in terms of what amount you could save up to the point of the wedding, because you can't guarantee that income will keep coming in or some other major crisis won't come up. Extra saving you do is great, but should be for extras / recouping back funds after the fact, NOT what you consider for your base pay towards the big day. Also, this should NOT include any sort of emergency fund money. That should stay for emergencies.
** Also remember: they who bankroll the wedding, often give strong input on the wedding. If you don't want someone else controlling your planning, then just remember you open up those floodgates if they're helping cover cost.

You've Seen One, You've Seen 'em All

Everyone talks about the joys and stresses of wedding planning and being engaged. But really, more than anything, it's a damn good excuse to watch a ton of shitty romantic comedies. Because you're a bride-to-be, damnit! So if not now, when??

Between bits of planning (and mostly while the beau is doing his marathon training and I get the couch/TV to myself), I've been consuming a boatload of wedding related movies. Here is the list so far....

• The Romantics : One of my fave awful guilty pleasure movies. A total yuppie mess. I watch it mostly for the first twenty minutes, because watching old friends come together for a wedding just makes my heart explode, because it's awkward and perfect and awful and wonderful all at once. 
• Table 19 : A wedding movie focused entirely on the reception. Thought I was getting into a slapstick comedy based on the trailer, but instead waded into a really dark character dramedy that was honestly so depressing. Every little twist just made it more sad. The reception band did play some great jams though, and it did make me really reevaluate our guest list, so, there's that... 
• Bride Wars : Watched this on the plane ride back from Europe, just after we got engaged. Because weddings make people a little crazy sometimes. And I'm grateful not to have had a hope chest full of wedding dreams to try and make a reality, or I'd have lost my mind.
• My Best Friend's Wedding : Y'all already know how much I love this and how I sob every time they're on the boat. And how the not-so-happy ending was actually the one that made sense so, kudos. 
• The Wedding Date: Dermot Mulroney belongs in every wedding related movie. Also, sister relationships are complicated.
• Mamma Mia: It's the mother-daughter moments in this one that really frickin' get me. And, ABBA is just the best. Yes, the singing is awful, but this movie is still awfully fun. 
• 27 Dresses: I'd marry James Marsden's eyes and chiseled check bones in an instance. Also, I still don't know the words to Benny and the Jets.
• The Big Wedding: WHAT is this movie? Crazy good cast but I don't remember hearing a thing about it. It was... a really different approach, I guess? 
• Monster-in-Law: Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda. Comedy Gold. That is all.
• The Wedding Planner: Give me more J. Lo. rom-coms and I can die a happy woman.
• Crazy Rich Asians: BRB have to go completely replan our entire wedding to include some more vastly expensive but really cool shit.
• The Week Of: Adam Sandler fails again? It's just bad. Just...don't bother. Very tiny gems in this one, but not worth the time.
• My Big Fat Greek Wedding: 2002 was a simpler time. The women in this movie are a riot. 
• The Wedding Singer: It's true, first class passengers get away with murder. For the record, I also own volume one AND two soundtracks for this film on CD. 
• Made of Honor: Patrick. Patrick Dempsey. 
• Wedding Crashers: An entire generation of bros learned all their "best" lines from this one. 
• Father of the Bride (1950): Spencer Tracy and Elizabeth Taylor, brilliant. Hearing the prices they list off for wedding expenses is delightfully depressing and wonderful. Watched this movie with Korean subtitles on our flight to Thailand and at the end when she had to call her dad, and he hadn't gotten to even see her or enjoy anything, but she made a point to call him... teaaaars. Family is important.
• All those bachelorette type movies : Rough Night, Bridesmaids, Bachelorette, etc. They all have a similar feel. Female friendships are complex.  

So, what have I missed? We're almost at the turning point here, the final month countdown, so I don't have much time to watch more. But let me know which ones I should squeeze in before the big "I do!" 

Even in Korean, Elizabeth Taylor is stunning

Finale is Coming

With the final season of Game of Thrones nearly upon us, a rewatch was certainly in order. I decided to start it up several months back, figuring if I watched a season a month, I'd land perfectly at the premiere of the final episodes. And then I shot that plan in the face and binge watched those 67 episodes in about a month (winter in Wisconsin, amiright?).

As with any rewatch, there is clarity in that concise viewing of beloved television. With GoT, every episode I watch again, I learn more names, and connect more dots. Horse/dragon lady and cripple kid become Dany and Bran - nicknames, but nicer ones. Like we're old friends, because we've gone through so much together - which we HAVE.

After losing three days of my life, I came away with some very strong overarching feelings, thoughts, and favorites, in no particular order. Spoilers ahead. And... if these are spoilers for you, GO WATCH! You still have time!

• Every single time someone said goodbye to someone else, all I could think was "And they never saw each other again!" Or, in some cases, they don't see each other for several seasons. It's crazy. Just, assume every goodbye in Westeros will be your last. 
• Brienne and Tormund: the 'ship that launched a thousand memes. They aren't the couple Westeros needs, but they're the couple Westeros deserves. (Granted, things generally don't end well for everyone Brienne loyalty-clings to, so, we'll see.)
• WEAVE, Rickon. For Christ's sake, WEAVE!
• The evolution of Jaime Lannister's hair deserves some serious study. When he and Cersei are mackin' on each other with matching long / short hair, the world is in balance. A freaky, incestuous balance. 
• I will put up posters of Lyanna Mormont in my future daughter's bedroom. As she is the badass little role model all little girls should look up to.
• Rob should've never banged that foreign girl. It would've saved so much trouble. (Also, they're floor-of-the-tent-keep-your-boots-on bang is still awkward to me.)
• "And now his watch is ended...." BAHHH, TEARS! There are a lot of deaths to pick from in this show, but man, Maester Aemon's always hits me right in the gut. Blood of the dragon, man. A frickin' unsung hero on the wall. 
• Cersei during the Battle of Blackwater is still some of my absolute favorite bits of the entire series. Her drunken "hey, HEY, little dove!" harassment of Sansa during that entire sequence is perfection. 
• Every time that horn blows for a third time, I just think about how screwed everyone is. White Walkers don't mess around. 
• Remember that time Little Finger little-fingered Ned and was all "Ha, bro, told you not to trust me"? Yeah. That as a defining moment. The gold standard of "literally the nicer you are the more likely you are to get screwed over."
• Jon Snow really is a champion brooder. Nobody broods it better. (Insert Jon Snow montage with Carly Simon playing here - once someone on YouTube makes one lol)
• Joffrey and Ramsay are both just bastards. Literally and figuratively. Ramsay is worse, in terms of being just a bad guy, but he's also older so he's had more years of practice (and has been relatively unchecked so it just festered quicker). But, Cersei is really maybe worse than them both, when you think about sheer scale: her wildfire-happy ways really show she few shits she gives about human life. And now that she really has no family to soften her cold heart, she's just down that slippery monster slope. (And yes, I think the pregnancy is a fake-out.)
• The direwolves really don't get enough play. Damn dragons take up the whole CGI budget!
• Princess Shireen!!!!! #neverforgive #neverforget
• Prince Oberyn Martell, my little Dornish muffin,* why did you have to prioritize your revenge taunt over your beautiful face? Things would've played out so differently if you hadn't died and Tyrion had "won" that trial by combat. Papa Lannister would be alive. Tyrion wouldn't have teamed up with Jorah (who then wouldn't have gotten greyscale) and would never become Dany's adviser. I mean, so many things were in that ripple effect from that perfectly handsome man's skull getting smashed. 
• Margaery, even with her tits out the whole show, at least did have a plan that she was relentless about. Good for her. I appreciated her tactfulness throughout. 
• Special shout-out to those characters who you thought were going to be major players, but ended up dying off weirdly fast. Looking at you Ned. And you, Renly. And, Khal Drogo, I barely knew you! (And Rob/Cat, for that matter.) But also later intros like Karsi in Hardhome. I was looking forward to having another badass ladyboss to root for and then ten minutes later, wham, bam, thank you ma'am, she's a damn wight. The second you like any character, just reckon they're about to die. 
• Lady Olenna Tyrell is who I hope to grow up to be. The Betty White of Westeros. 
• Can we lock Tyrion and Cersei in a room with a shit ton of wine and weapons and see how it plays out? Can that be episode one of the new season? Please?
• Oh Tommen. Bless your sweet little heart.... That is all. 
• Arya always being just a little too late, it just breaks me. Too late to see her family before they die. Too late to be reunited by her aunt (before she dies). Just, set your clocks early Arya, because girl, you're always late.
• Robert Baratheon and Ned - oh, the shenanigans! Those two had such a precious, dodgy friendship. 
• Every time people first see the dragons, it's awesome. Excited for more of that.
• Baelish and Jorah are both equally creepy when it comes to the women they obsess over. Sometimes it almost seems endearing, until you realize it's absolutely not. (Though at least Jorah is a decent human - sometimes - decent in that he owns up to being not decent.) 
• Every time a Stark reunites, an angel gets its wings. (That angel is probably another Stark...ooooh too soon?) AND Bran's total indifference and awkwardness after he has become the three-eyed raven and is reuniting with everyone is honestly just kind of hilarious. Watching all that again, I definitely let out the kind of strangled ridiculous laugh Arya busts out in the Vale when she here's her aunt is dead. (But seriously, the PTSD that family has is unreal.)
• Westeros, it's west. Essos, it's east. I feel really dumb for never thinking that one through. Also, can White Walkers and the army of the dead swim?? Based on comments exchanged with Euron, nope. So, why doesn't everyone just go to Essos? Start the evacuation now and go resettle and just let the zombies have Westeros. 

Story lines and people I realized I give almost zero fucks about:

• Theon. Just... Theon. He's such a POS in the beginning that by the time he's being tortured, I genuinely could've cared less. The only good thing to come out of the Iron Islands in the entire series was Yara's "yas queen" moments with Dany. Well, and maybe that Imagine Dragons song about Euron... pretty sure that was written about Euron. (Pirate rock forever, man.) Okay, and I suppose the one scene where Theon and Sansa decide to just do a suicide-pact and jump off the walls of Winterfell - that's the one good Theon scene, and it's when you think he's finally ending your misery of watching him.
• I fast forwarded all the "Girl is No One" junk. A girl is frickin' Arya Stark and all the rest is just noise. 
• The flaming sword guy and most of the stuff with the Hound (when he's not with Arya) - of course they ended up being fairly important characters later but, meh. And honestly, I'd be fine if the Cleganebowl thing never goes down. 
• Sand Snakes. Everything with the Sand Snakes. 
• I'm all about the Sam and Jon buddy bromance, but after Sam leaves the wall to go study, with Gilly in tow, I do semi lose interest. 
• Meereen. We all know that "see how ruling is boring" was an important point to make, but, ugh. 
• The Sparrows thing. Totally legit that something like that could end up happening (religious zealots always creep up eventually), and the walk of shame and explosion of the Sept were iconic, but overall I was mostly annoyed by those pesky Sparrows.
• Missandei and Grey Worm. Yep, no interest. 

While the new and final season looms, I have no predictions or hopes. I'd maybe venture to guess everyone dies and the White Walkers just win. And I'd maybe like to see Bran warg into a dragon at some point before this wraps up. But really, who knows how the chips will fall? All I know is that I look forward to seeing it go down, and that this sweet summer child is saddened by the fact that winter is finally coming and with it, no more episodes. Though, I suppose, as they say, what is dead may never die - live long you bitching awesome episodes of expensive television. May we all enjoy you on repeat for years to come. 

Will miss our weekly Meat & Meade nights

* Coined by ComicBookGirl19 - she was SPOT ON with that label!

It's Amazing the Clarity that Comes with Psychotic Jealousy

There are certain movies that I've seen, shall we say, too many times. The kind of movie that I used to casually put on, like someone else might turn on the radio. "My Best Friend's Wedding" was in that rotation. I even had the soundtrack on CD in high school. It's the kind of film where, when explaining the plot to people, I speak as though the cast of characters are actually close friends of mine in real life (You know, my BFF Jules...aka Julie Roberts).

At just over twenty years old, this seminal classic continues to kick ass and take names. Since it's Valentine's week (and, more importantly, the beau has been on second shift so I've had free reign on the TV!) naturally I heard the sweet, sing-songy little prayer of a film calling my name. And since I'm engaged, I've been working my way through every frickin' wedding adjacent film I've ever seen in my life - that is my version of wedding "planning" right now. That's the plateau I'm at. It is my g'damn right as a bride-to-be to wallow in rom-coms, sobbing into popcorn - this is the hill I want to die on.

ANYWHO, re-watching this gem, I'm reminded of some of the endearing life lessons, heart-wrenching scenes that will never not crush me, and the staggering confusion that I still have.

1. WHAT the ACTUAL fuck? In the opening 10 minutes, the groom-to-be (hereafter "Michael") has called his long time "BEST friend" (of NINE years - hereafter referred to by her Christian name "Julie fucking Roberts" or her film name "Jules") to ask her to be a part of his FOUR day long wedding. He is calling her on a WEDNESDAY when the wedding is SUNDAY. First off... how frickin' rude man. A four day long event? You've obviously been planning for some time and apparently have only been trying to call your best friend for a month now to get her to attend? Where were the save the dates? The invites? Or, better yet, you probably got engaged months prior and never even left a general "Hey, btw, I'm engaged" voicemail? This is such a prime example of the inconsiderate male archetype. A bro just figuring he could tell her whenever, because of course no matter how short of notice she'll be there for him. Prime example of taking advantage and being an inconsiderate asshole.*
2. AND ANOTHER THING! As a woman about to get married, I can honestly say that if my fiancé turned up a "best friend" who looked like Julia Roberts a few days before the wedding, I'd have some serious frickin' questions. (Granted, if I looked like Cameron Diaz, I mean... I guess maybe I'd be cool and all "hey girl, hey" I suppose?)
3. LOL WHAT? Oh, those two best friends (during one of their numerous hot nights), they made a pact at age 22 that if they weren't married by 28, they'd marry each other? Yeah, that sounds like a very 22 year old thing to do. The more realistic version of this "romantic pact" scenario is probably more along the lines of "Hey, you've got good hair... if I'm not married by the time I'm 40, can I use some of your sperm for an egg I've got frozen in this mini fridge under my desk...." or "Hey, if we're not married by 45, let's agree to not let each other have more than four cats."
4. THROWBACK. Some of the most heart tweaking moments are laughably 90s. When they're at the airport and Michael can basically come straight to Julia Robert's gate? Oh, pre-9/11, how we miss you! And later, when Jules is stress-smoking in the hotel hallway (as Michael is "calling off the wedding" ish) and Paul Giamatti has to explain that she's not just in a non-smoking room, but it's a non-smoking floor. HA, because remember having to specify that you wanted a non-smoking room at a hotel?
5. MELT. Speaking of that airport scene. It's the intro scene for Michael's smirk. Michael's smirk stars as the leading man in this film. He doesn't really have much charisma otherwise, but Christ almighty can that man's smirk melt a room. 
6. FOR THE RECORD. Julia Roberts was a just few years younger than I am now while filming this movie. She was around 30 when it released. Cameron Diaz was 25 (playing a 20 year old but that's neither here nor there).** There will never be a time in my life again where I can watch this movie and say "that could be me some day" because that ship has SAILED my friends, with the crop tops blowing in the wind. 
7. UM HOW? How is Julia Roberts such a revered food critic by age 28? Chalk it up for yet another film that set unrealistic expectations for me about how successful I'd be in the workplace in my twenties.
8. MIXED SIGNALS. Can anyone call Michael the "good guy" in this movie? NO. Sure, Julia Roberts does some awful shit, but she wouldn't have gone down that eight-shades-of-crazy path if it weren't for Michael being a ridiculous tease and sending her mixed messages. The quintessential "man doesn't understand changing dynamic of relationship and how it might be difficult for his best friend who's been the main woman in his life for almost a decade" moment is when Michael walks in on Jules in her skimmies (looking fine AF) is like "Oh come on, I've seen you a lot more naked than that..." and is all "You look great naked." UM, excuse me, you're about to get married, sir! How is it appropriate for you to lurk around dressing rooms ogling your ex?? Don't tell her you need her and you're jealous of her fake-gay-fiancé and all that junk, man, it's just cruel - you can tell the impact it's having on her if you're any sort of "friend" at all. 
9. POWER MOVES. Even though she's a precious sweet, Jackie O sort in this movie, Cameron Diaz is absolutely terrifying. She knows the stakes here and she's not messing around. Her awkward karaoke and random bits of crying are just strategy. After barely a few hours with Jules, she throws down a power play and TRAPS Julia Roberts in a janky elevator to let her know that she's coming out on top of this, and she's already taken the high road and knows the reality of the situation enough to see that they have to be BFFs, or Jules has to die (plot twist: when a rom-com turns into a murder mystery as the best friend who just got into town dies in a bizarre elevator accident). Cameron isn't going to be pushed around. Shortly thereafter, Jules brings on her own A game. (Julia Roberts by definition IS the A game in life.) Her at that baseball game? Creepily workin' the dads, bosses and nerdy little brother just to make a point that she's still got it? A bit awkward, but SLAY girl! (Apparently that's what gets Michael's attention - the creep.)
10. BUT FOR REALS. The karaoke scene is painful. Cameron just tries so hard. But seriously though, if anyone ever tried to make me do karaoke against my will, I'd not be graceful and precious about it. I'd probably make a mean scene. 
11. THE ELEPHANT. The whole "offer him a real job with my daddy's company so he's more of an adult" wrench that Julia tries to throw in this whole "happily ever after" plan? I mean, it's legit. Yes, it's just a plot device to cause tension, but really, why the eff are they getting married when they're so obviously on different pages about this whole "our future life together" thing?? Though Jules is using this to pry the couple apart, the scenes where she is concocting the scheme with Cameron are strangely enough, total boss lady bonding scenes. The proposal Cameron makes to Michael does make sense. But of course, the only time he shows any fire (besides whilst gawking at Jules in a fitting room) is to be a dick about it. Oh, he loves his current low-paying gig? Doesn't want to be a sell-out and take an "establishment" job?? So his bride-to-be has to quit her schooling and leave her family and run around the country with his shitty job? With no security financially and living in a constant state of flux? Um, yes, he is a sensitive sexist asshole about it - his words. HIS words. And by that scene, I'm struggling to remember why these two gorgeous woman are vying for the affections of this one man, whose only good qualities seem to be his hair, his smirk, and his ability to remember inside jokes (which he constantly references - again, without realizing how uncomfortable he's making his lady love).  
12. WHAT IS THE BILL FOR A MUSICAL NUMBER? After all the ruckus they caused at that rehearsal dinner, and all the "Say a Little Prayer" sing-along-ing, did they at least bother to tip well? Because I sure hope they did. I'd hate to be a waitress carrying a tray of drinks and have some soprano wearing foam lobster claws flailing around. Danger in the workplace, y'all. 
13. REALITY CHECK. Speaking of the real star of the film, gay BFF George is the only source of sanity in the whole movie. He is the voice of reason (literally, as Julia calls him repeatedly for insight). He immediately calls her out, asking if she really loves Michael at all, or if she just wants to win at this point. Because, fair. She had nine years to chase this man, but "didn't realize how great he was til it was too late?" Nope, I don't believe that shit, he's the same vanilla man he was before, she just is jealous and wants to be loved (fair, but like, he didn't suddenly become great is all I'm saying). When the movie is EXACTLY half way through, George lays down some hard truths and let's Julia know "he'll chose Kimmy" and that she should just prepare to say goodbye and accept this new reality. Literally cut to closing scene. George is right. Jules has to come to it on her own terms (via grand theft auto of a bread truck), but the writing was on the wall.
14. DEAD, I'M DEAD. Despite my dislike of Michael at this point, the second half of the movie is the accumulation of all the feels and tears. Because we already heard from Nostradamus-George how the movie will end, watching it play out is just a gut punch. Knowing she'll fail, but watching her try to fight, ugh. Just UGH. That culminates at the "afternoon alone together" where they're on a boat tour through downtown Chicago, and Michael perfectly lays out an opportunity for Julia to confess her love. They go under the bridge, every woman in America hysterically screams at the screen for Julia to just say something... BUT SHE DOESN'T, because she knows she's not going to win, and can't admit it knowing the outcome. And then he starts singing "Just the Way You Look Tonight" while Julia silently cries.... SOB. Just SOB.
15. SMOLDER. That PG-13 rating is solely for the scene where he takes the ring off using his mouth. No further comment needed. Holy inappropriately seductive move, Batman.
16. ACTUALLY THOUGH. I have seen women fight in public restrooms before. Audience participation is a thing. That scene, besides its perfect scripting, was just as dramatic and over-the-top as the real deal. 
17. MY HEART HAS BEEN RIPPED OUT AND STOMPED ON. So, as George predicted, Julia does the "right" thing: let's the shitty couple have each other and get married. She stands proud in her ridiculous lilac ballgown, makes an endearing speech, and even "loans" them that song that Michael stabbed her in the heart with while they were on that boat tour.*** You think the emotional gamut is fully run, and let your guard down. YOU FOOL. Cue the "departure" scene, where the happy couple runs away from their own wedding (to go to a baseball game or something dumb, presumably), as Julia watches her best friend literally skip out of her life. Forgotten, abandoned, she takes a turn, knowing that this is her emotional burden and accepting that it's time to finally move on.... And THERE is your dagger! Michael comes back for a hug, and a goodbye. I didn't see this as a thoughtful gesture. I saw it as one more power move. He gets the last word. The final goodbye. He can't just let her just move on. He has to insert himself into her life and keep her on the line. I expect this emotional torture to continue for years to come.
18. BRB, STILL WEEPING. Who could any one forget the final phone exchange with George?Supportive, dashing, full of wisdom - the real best friend of the film. The one who will help Jules pick up those pieces. 

So, despite my growing dislike for Dermot Mulroney, will I continue to come back to this film for years to come? Can I forgive it its flaws, and accept its unforgivably endearing cast just as they are? Can I love again? Yes. Because, life goes on. (And by god, at some point, there will be dancing!)

Can one literally wear out a DVD? Time will surely tell.

* Although, I have heard the counter argument that Michael didn't reach out sooner because he knew how strong his feelings were for Jules, but really wanted it to work with his new fling so he didn't want the distraction of his long-term old fling. And didn't want to put his new bang in an awkward situation. He knew he'd revert to loving the ginger. So, to avoid having to face any actual feelings, seeing what a good thing he could have with this blondie, he just decided to avoid his friend like the plague and secretly hoped she wouldn't be around at all. IS THAT BETTER THOUGH?! NO. Still awful. 

** Random aside: in 1997, Cameron Diaz also starred in one of my other fave rom-coms, "A Life Less Ordinary." She was alongside Ewan McGregor, and it's an oddball diamond in the rough. Why have you not heard of it?? Oh, well, because another (rom-com-ish) film released around the same time. A little movie called "Titanic" - and it wrecked everything else. (Get it, like...a ship wreck? Maybe? Too soon?)
*** All while the family members smile on, seemingly oblivious to literally all the shenanigans of the film. "That's just the quirky MOH, running about, no big deal." and "Kids these days!" they proclaim. This is a vital life lesson for weddings: most people won't know when shit goes wrong, so never tell. Never.