Hindsight Is: 2021 Edition

Reading through my previous "Hindsight is" posts (2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020) is always a real trip. Cruising into 2022, I not only didn't get time to write up this post, but also did not review my previous year-end posts. Such is the #newbornlife we currently lead. 

Even without a reread, I can honestly say that I'd have thought 2020 would be the forever black sheep of the bunch, but the joke sure was on me. 2021 turned out to be almost as topsy-turvy, but with the addition of becoming a mom. Sort of like my regular anxiety got a minivan. But for posterity, here is a quick look back at the big ones of 2021: 

• Celebrate Good Times. Ish.
• We ended 2020 with digital holiday celebrations, with just us two in-person. The lack of gatherings with loved ones was unfortunately an ongoing theme in 2021 as well, though this year we were able to share the Christmas season with some family. 
• Was happy to celebrate and support friends and family (mostly digitally / from afar) as they tackled milestones and other moments of growth. It was wonderful to watch as they welcomed new babies into this world or announced pregnancies, started new careers, bought new homes, got engaged and/or finally married, furthered their education, tackled new hobbies, etc. I loved sharing in their moments!
• Oh Baby.
• Obviously a biggie this year was finding out we were pregnant. In the same vein as celebrations above - with everyone newly vaccinated, we were able to share the news with some close family and friends in person. Which felt so exotic at the time, especially since we'd barely seen anyone since the pandemic started. We found out we were pregnant around St. Patrick's Day, told immediate family on Easter and Mother's Day, and had a "we're all vaccinated" garage gathering of friends at the end of May to announce to our MKE crew. 
• In the fall, had a series of virtual baby showers, as the excitement of vaccines gave way to "we're not out of the fucking woods yet, people suck" mode. Even had a tiny "Groovy Baby" themed shower in person. 
• Did a maternity photoshoot, to glamorize the big old bump.
• Took a roadtrip for our Babymoon to St. Louis. Some day we'll get a honeymoon...
• Oh yeah, and like... had a baby. Gave birth. That was a thing.
• Our House, In the Middle of Our Street
• I was all up in the projects. Started doing my Casey Kasem days - throwback episodes of the show play for three hours on Sunday mornings, so I'd take that time to work on things. Got an old Zenith record console that I got partially done tearing apart and converting into a dry bar (then had to hold on since I couldn't use stripper / harsh chemicals to continue my work while knocked up). Found a glorious vintage coffee table that my uncle and I restored. Hijacked a van to get a thrifted dresser for the nursery that I jazzed up. 
• Overall, we settled properly into our house that we bought in November of 2020. You know, once we realized that the pandemic might actually end and people would eventually come visit and would think we looked like squatters. (LOL pandemic ending. Sigh.) We tackled a bunch of projects: setting up my WFH office (with actual art), converted a closet to a mudroom, fully rearranged the upstairs and set up the nursery, got rid of our old couch and opened up a front room to set up my husband's dainty sitting room (yet to be done). Got a ton of new stuff: new couch, proper headboard, new bookshelves, non-retro curtains (so much ironing), new house numbers, a new A/C, etc. There was painting and power outages, and lawn mowing and snow blowing, and it was proper homesteading all around. We even got a chest freezer. Look out, world!
• Hodge Podge
• Watched the political landscape with shock and awe. Kicking it off with the horror of the January 6th insurrection. The inauguration gave some hope. And hope was punched in the face throughout the year by witnessing idiotic party tensions slowly destroy our democracy. It's cool. I'm fine. This is fine. I hate everything.
• Had a mini staycation a few days post insurrection. IE we got takeout to a local boutique hotel and watched Elvis movies - it was actually pretty perfect. 
• My hubby got to revive is running a bit after a bummer 2020 of cancelled race events. He had an 8k and half marathon event, and a whole lot of training. Training that cumulated in his running the Berlin marathon in Germany in the fall - was so proud, even though I was sad about not being able to cheer him on in person because I was super pregnant.
• Sports were a thing. The Bucks won big, Rodgers was a total nutter, and I continued to give zero fucks about baseball. 
• On the family front, my grandma took a few falls and has now settled into a nursing home. She's the matriarch and still has all her wits about her, so I expect she'll be running the place any day. 
• A few miscellaneous attempts at normalcy were also made: attending the digital Van Gogh exhibit, visiting a few restaurants in person, getting back out to my thrift store hopping (and IKEA), some backyard afternoons with friends, a weekday afternoon at Summerfest, and even a movie at an actual theater (Black Widow per my sister's request). 

And of course, one of the top highlights of the year: getting vaccinated. Because while this thing is still not at a tipping point (thanks, anti vaxxers) back to totally normal yet, having that protection for myself and my loved ones (and our baby via me) was a game changer on my mental state. It gave that glimmer of hope that 2020 just didn't seem to have. I hope more of that shines through as we barrel into 2021... I mean, 2022... we just did 2021.... right? Didn't we? Fuck, I don't know. Go team.

Because the death of 2020 meant new life in 2021. Bloom and grow, baby!

Hindsight Is: 2020 Edition

Woof. 2020. We've (mostly) made it through.

Every year before I write this post, I go back to read my previous "Hindsight is" posts. (Linked here, if you feel like a trip down my memory lane: 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019). The stark contrast of this year to prior ones was almost laughable, but mostly sadable. Like, so sadable. The state of the union left something to be desired, putting it lightly!

2020 was like looking both ways before crossing the street, and getting hit by a plane. But funny enough, when also looking back at my goals post for this year, I felt an odd sense of calm. Even though I came at it much more sideways than I intended, I really did accomplish a lot of the vibe I set out for. It was to be the year of clarity - and even though things were extremely unpredictable, after I went through all the stages of grief for this "year of loss," I did come through the other side with a better understanding of my personal feels, relationships, etc. It was a real trip reading that post and reflecting.

Anywho, onto the 2020 recap...
((Note that this more or less completely fails to capture the dumpster-fire nightmare and wholesome wonderfulness and terror and joy that was 2020 - but, it's what came out when I typed.))

• We survived. Literally the biggest accomplishment. Surviving a pandemic, political turmoil, civil unrest, and everything in between. My car window was smashed in at one point, just to ice the cake. And while it seems like a lifetime ago, it was only February when my husband was in a tragic active-shooter situation at his workplace. I was so thankful for his safety then, and am grateful every day for the health and safety of so many loved ones during these trying times. 
• We moved up and out. We purchased our first home, moving up to the northern burbs and out of apartment living. I moved up to (another) a new role at work. And, our plant family expanded at an exponential rate.
• We celebrated life. Before the world shut down, we had a roaring 20's themed new years, a memorable Leap Day party, wing night, baby showers, lady pal movie night, happy hours and brunches, and of course the Shamrock Shuffle viewing before the lockdown. Weddings, showers, bachelorettes: everything looked different in a year of masks and Zoom gatherings. During our self-quarantine, we turned to virtual events like everyone else. Sidewalk visits and awkward video calls, with a constant theme: we miss each other and love each other and care so much about keeping one another safe. I also excessively celebrated the hatching and fledgling weeks of the baby falcons atop Miller, with the live cam feed that got me through the longest spring of my life. From watching space launches to getting video messages about random nonsense, ever little virtual moment felt like a big moment.
• We donated. Since it was more difficult to physically donate time, we did a lot of donating via straight-up cash. Being financially lucky during this time, we were able to put funds towards causes that matter to us, to try and help in the way we felt we could. We also volunteered to do absentee ballot processing on Election Day, which made for a good distraction and was really cool to be a part of history.*
• We escaped. Even though our honeymoon and several other trips were cancelled, we did take several days away in August, just to get out of our small apartment. Cooking and staying at an AirBNB in lake country was just the ticket. We also escaped through countless hours of television and movies, much like everyone else. I also meant to take up reading and failed, but did really get in a puzzle groove.
• We tracked. In January, we tallied up and realized we were eating out too often. So, in February, we foolishly did a month of NOT eating out - sigh, if only we'd have known. My bullet journal turned into a way for me to be more mindful of the days - noting if I'd gone outside, or spoken to friends or family, or eaten. Counting the hours of sleep lost or gained. And a daily note of the number of Covid deaths and infections, which kept my heart in a constant state of mourning, but also in a state of deep resolve - staying inside, not seeing my loved ones: that time lost could be time gained in the future. It could be a life saved. It was worth it. 

This summary lacks a lot of the depth of this crazy time, but it's been hard to put into words this turning point in history we've all experienced together. And how different we've each experienced it. I'm sad, mad, grateful, hateful, and every other feel, all at once, when thinking back. These months taught us all so much. Some of those lessons, I'm not at all happy about. And others, I really needed to learn. May this all help us grow and make a better world as we move forward. May we be stronger together, even when physically apart. May 2020 be a watercolor in the rain, and 2021 a blank sheet. A fresh start.

Slap some paint over 2020. Gloss 'er up a bit.
Time for a fresh start.

* I highly recommend volunteering to help at the polls or with absentee ballot processing to anyone who wants to better understand the election process. It was absolutely fascinating and it felt really good to contribute and help. (And, we ended up on the homepage of the New York Times!) You can contact your local elections commission for more info. 

Too Much Thyme On My Hands

It started off innocently enough... 

It was January 2020. I was feeling in a bit of a slump, so decided to spruce up / redecorate my desk at work. This included some brief research into fluorescent light tolerant plants, some pink cloud screen-prints, a Roger Sterling Funko, and several hidden Baby Yodas. The viney pothos I had inherited from a former coworker (and had delivered a slow death to) was replaced by a couple of spry ZZs and a pretty leafy thing that I was sure would bring me happiness and deliver additional productivity (spoiler alert: it is no longer with us). My black thumb and I knew we needed more greenery to make that cube life seem more exotic. It all looked so lovely.

Fast-forward to mid-March, after hours, as I haphazardly ripped out my monitor cords, threw my keyboard, mouse, and various electronics into a backpack, and scooped those green girls into my arms in a mad dash out to my car. The post-apocalyptic landscape of the cubicle jungle was eerily quiet, with miscellaneous cords snaking about half-cleared countertops. Half eaten snacks and partially drank cups of water still sitting, frozen in time. A gym bag still hanging from the hook. A sweater over the back of a chair. Two weeks of working from home was the edict. Just a precaution. No need to grab your things. We'd be back soon. 

I knew that was a fool's hope. I took everything I could carry and ran with it. Leaving a little trail of potted soil as I went. 

And suddenly in was May. Two weeks had turned into two months, and the latest from corporate was "mid-September" - which meant another four months on the horizon. Working from home had come with several perks, of course. Rolling out of bed mere minutes before my 7:30am calls. Being able to slowly become human / dress as a person as the day progressed instead of before leaving for a commute, a commute which no longer existed. Instead of spending any spare moments between meetings chit chatting with coworkers, one could pop in laundry. Instead of preparing an easily microwaveable lunch, one could bust out a pot on the stove. All those little perks were certainly there. But one can't ignore that confining an extrovert into a two-bedroom apartment all day, every day, with little separation between work space and living space, well... it's bound to come to a head at some point. 

As that cracking point loomed, I looked up ways to make a space less stressful, to add layers of joy, to brighten one's day. And time after time, the lists highlighted one constant: light and greenery. Light we had in buckets, but greenery was lacking. In addition to the desk ones I'd brought home, we had an inherited (giant) snake plant (which was half burned from having fallen on the radiator), an oxalis that I had been gifted after my short stint as a  middle school librarian (and had somehow kept alive for years), a few half dead bookshelf pothos, an overgrown succulent, and a stray cactus or two. We weren't plantless, we had about six living non-human things, but we certainly were no oasis. So, I decided to start my indoor landscaping journey.

With a mandate to use up vacation time, I found myself with many many half days in May and June. Being afraid to interact with the general public, I instead took drives to various gardening shops and nurseries where I could mask-up and explore options outside, or get curbside pickup. Each time, just quickly grabbing one or two plants that I had researched (and assumed I could keep alive) and dashing back home. After adding the first few, it occurred to me... my husband didn't realize I was welcoming new green guests to the apartment...*

It was the day he proclaimed, "Oh, I see you moved your office plant into the bathroom. It looks nice. Bet you thought I wouldn't notice!" with a note of pride in his voice that I knew. As I glance into the bathroom at the completely different variety of leaf, in a completely different pot, and gave him a kind "well done, you!" smile, I knew. And the game was officially afoot: how many plants could I bring in to the apartment before he began to notice? The answer: a lot. SO many. Maybe too many. This went on for months. It wasn't until three months after that day that he officially began to suspect and I finally confessed. 

Would it be shady to say that my sneaky plant routine got me through? That it brought my isolated-soul massive amounts of entertainment?** That this greenery game was sadly one of the highlight adventures of my year? Maybe. Probably. But regardless, I felt like I won. I somehow incorporated twenty or so leafy friends into the various nooks of our thousand square foot apartment before the game ended in August. And I certainly didn't stop expanding from there - our total tally upon moving*** in November was up to 43 greenies. And she's still growing, our little plant fam. 

Perhaps my want to add little pots of calm got a smidge out of hand over the months. Maybe one shouldn't simply buy a new bit of foliage every time they reach a tipping point. It's possible that flora isn't the only way to bring joy to a space. But all I know is, these plants have given me something to care for, on those days when I was too exhausted and worn out by the year to want to care for myself. They unfurled new leaves when it was time to push out the old. They wilted when they needed attention, reminding me that it's okay to communicate your needs. They adapted. Together we kept hydrated, we leaned towards the light, we breathed, and we continued to grow. They made 2020 succ a little less. 

Did you really think I wouldn't get a photo shoot with them? 
This pandemic is also sponsored by disco balls and Freddie Mercury.

* While he is an extremely intelligent man, well-learned and witty, his observation skills and awareness of his surroundings are sometimes laughabley bad. We once were at a stoplight, windows down on a summer evening, just chatting, no loud music on or anything. And the person in the car right next to us recognized my then-boyfriend. They rolled down their window and were yelling his name and waving at him. This happened for at least a full minute before I was finally like, "Um, are you literally not hearing/seeing this, I think they're trying to get your attention." And he literally had ZERO awareness that they were there. He often misses people saying hello. Doesn't always notice when I've added furniture or artwork, or rearranged things, etc. His brain is just preoccupied somewhere outside the corporal space of the here and now. Bless his heart.

** Like the time I could only get a later curbside pickup timeslot, so had to physically run down an alley, my arms full of green, to avoid being seen by my husband as he was arriving home from work - and then secretly repotted said plants in the second bathroom tub later that night. Or the time I brought home a comically large leafy monster and put it in a really obvious space and just stared wide-eyed at my husband for several days like, "SURELY you see it?!"

***Oh yeah, we bought a house. In case you didn't gather from the above, being trapped in a small space by myself all the time lead to me demanded more space. Because in 2020, a gal deserves a larger cage!

What to do when you get engaged... BESIDES wedding planning

You've got the ring, the witty announcement is smeared all over social media, and you're officially a card-carrying fiancé. Time to immediately plan the wedding, right? WELL, yes, a few things you do need to nail down and discuss right away in relation to planning, but in general, I'd argue that there are a few other things you need to start on right away that are equally as important as the in-the-weeds planning bits. Because remember, you're dealing with a finite amount of time before the big day!

Note : there are certain things I had every intention of doing right away, that I've put on this list, that I definitely flopped and flayed at. So, you know, hindsight is 20/20 and just know yourself and your own discipline. Also, for those busy couples: I've added a "TL;DR" to each point.

1. Discuss and decide on wedding basics
• Where and what size? In your city of residence? A hometown? Elsewhere? Big, small, or destination? Church vs courthouse? Country vs city? Before you go into the next bullet, have a general idea on whereabouts / scale.
• But really... what size? Each of you make a list, separately, of all the people who are a MUST for attendance at your wedding (you can denote some "maybes," as well, if you're struggling). Then compare lists. Anyone who is on both lists is an automatic yes, anyone who isn't goes straight to the maybe list. Now see what that number is and go back to the first bullet and see if it's reasonable. If your list is 300 people and you wanted to get married in a tiny lighthouse on the coast, well, you need to reconsider. 
• Time of year? Think about what you want and what goes best with what you were thinking for location. We live in Wisconsin, so, winter snow would have been a logistics nightmare. If you want a destination wedding to a tropical island, make sure it's not hurricane season. If you're a teacher and don't want to take vacation time for a honeymoon right after, then aim for summer. (Also, if you really want to take that honeymoon immediately after, make sure it's a good season for your desired destination, too.)
• Why does the above matter right away? Because it will give you a good idea of how long you've got to plan (if it's fall and you want it the upcoming spring, get a move on!) AND how much your wedding might be on the cost spectrum, plus how long you'll have to save money, which leads into item two.
• TL;DR: deciding generally the "who, when, where" will tip off every other discussion point for planning.


Talk money


• If you haven't discussed finances with your partner before getting engaged...erm... maybe have a very in-depth and serious talk about it before you even announce your engagement to everyone? Because money can really expose some awful or wonderful things, and they can both have a huge impact on your relationship.
• Look at your finances right this minute* and think how much you're both willing to pay towards a wedding. Do you have other major financial goals so want to keep it small? Is this the thing you've been saving for all these years anyways, so go big or go home? Based on ONLY the money you two have, decide what kind of wedding you want to afford. (And decide immediately if you're willing to take on any additional debt to make your vision come true.) Be on the same page before talking to anyone else about wedding finances. 
• Then have the awkward convo with family if you're hoping to have any additional funding from parents, etc. Be frank with them and get a solid commitment on an amount/percent/contributing element/whatever. If anyone sounds wishy-washy, don't count their money toward your budget. If it happens to come in then, great, but you won't have been relying on it to cover basics.**
• Now reassess that vision, and adjust based on financials, if needed. As a couple, know where you want your money to be going and get a plan. Once you go to start looking into venue options, food, etc, you'll quickly figure out how realistic )or unrealistic) vision vs price tags are. Before you put money down on ANYTHING, be sure you've got the big picture cost in mind compared to your budget.
• Money tip during planning: each partner should define what their number one most important element of the day is (the perfect dress? an open bar? a great photographer?) and those are the only two things that you're allowed to stress and splurge on. Everything else, save as much as you can on because those elements just aren't as important. 


Decide how to pay for everything


• Do you want to open a joint checking account and each dump x amount into it and only pay with a debit card? Or, get a joint credit card with a really good rewards system (hello, cash back and airline miles!)? Or, have each of you split spending from your own accounts? Pick what works best for you as a couple and stick to it.
• A budget spreadsheet is king. Track every little wedding related thing you spend on, and don't forget to add the "I saw these diamond ring paper clips and I thought they'd be cute for vendor tips" type shit too - because it all adds up! It's the only way to get a true scope of what you're putting towards this event. And if you have a tight budget to stick to, you can't afford (literally) to not see where funds are going.
• TL;DR: know where your money is going and be on the same page about how it gets there.


Get a communication plan


• Make a joint email account for all wedding related / vendor communication
• Gather up your spreadsheets (former brides and online resources, FTW!)
• Plan out with your partner how to tackle to-dos. I wish we'd have approached this in a more organized way - I had a lot of checklists, don't get me wrong, but I could've done better about communicating expectations for what the beau should be working on (and WHEN it needed to be done by).
• Decide how often you want to "talk wedding" -- right up front it will be a LOT of wedding stuff, as you lock in the big vendors and make those first major decisions. But after that, it doesn't need to be everyday, or you'll both go crazy. I drove the beau nuts at various points, because I was constantly being bombarded, so it was always on my mind, and it's not good. Especially if you have a longer engagement - space it out.
• Figure out how to communicate vision out to vendors/bridal party, too. A streamlined Pinterest board with a few key focal points, a day-of timeline in a Google Sheet, etc.
• TL;DR: Decide how to track shit and stick to it!


Hydrate and Sleep!


• Proper hydration improves mood, can help prevent overheating, keeps your brain working properly, makes your skin healthier, and just does all the good things. Focus on it throughout the engagement (and life!).
• Proper sleep has sooo many benefits, I can't even begin to list. Most importantly: it will help keep you in a better mood during what will be a stressful period in your life of major changes and major planning. 
• TL;DR: If you're not already on track, hydrating properly and getting enough sleep should become your number one "treat yo'self" objectives!


Get ready to run the full gamut of emotions


• Be prepared for an outpouring of love... and a lot of disappointment.
• It will amaze and fill you with so much joy when you see how many people are excited for your new adventure. Even people who aren't invited will show such kindness and genuine happiness and it will make your heart want to explode. 
• You will also get to experience a horrible, nostalgic sadness when you realize which people you envisioned being a part of your celebration years ago, who you're no longer close with. 
• There will be people who you imagined on the dance floor, or sharing a toast with, but who won't be able to attend due to family situations, financial limitations, physical distance, etc. And you'll have to accept that it's just one day, and not everyone will chose to be there for it, even if you invite them.
• You'll feel frustration with vendors, or family. And you'll feel elated when you see things start to come together. 
• Get ready to cry from joy, from stress, from those lingering thoughts of your grandma not being there as you walk down the aisle, from the look on your mom's face when she sees your dress for the first time, from the letters you wrote to ask your best gals to be bridesmaids, and everything in between. My face has been flowing like Niagara Falls these past ten months!
• You may also turn into a cold, hard bitch at times. And you know what, it's your right to be adamant about how you want things done. If you're like me, you'll find ample apologies. 
• TL;DR: Be ready to own up to all those emotions and just ride that wave, baby! And as always : check yourself.


Exercise, now, don't wait


• Endorphins. They make you happy. You need that for the stress.
• If you have some specific fitness level in mind for you to feel like your best self on the day of your nuptials, then start working immediately. Time is only on your side for a bit, until it's not. (Remind your mama of this, as well, if she needs to hear it, so she's not frustrated when trying on dresses later.)
• Even if you don't have a specific goal, it's nice to be as healthy and fit as possible when officially kicking off your 'new life together,' right? So, get in more steps, or do a ten minute workout video three times a week, or something. 
• Be realistic. Know yourself and how much time/energy you're willing to commit. If your body wears stress heavily, don't push yourself to a breakdown. Instead, commit to something small and keep consistent. And if you want to really hit it (bless your heart), then make sure you're carving out that time for yourself in among the rest, and prioritize your goal!
• Dress tip: pick one that you'll be comfortable in based on the body you have, not the body you dream of getting (unless you've got mad willpower, then good for you!). Make sure you'll be comfortable - so if there's a part of your bod you feel self-conscious about, don't pick a dress that accents it! Confidence is the most beautiful thing a woman can wear! 
• TL;DR: make smart fitness goals and chip away over time.


Plot out long-term beauty plan items


• Want flowing long hair? Start growing it out and taking vitamins now! Or look into extensions (factor in your budget) if you know you won't have time. And get that fancy shampoo to keep your luscious locks in primo condition.
• Want teeth whitening or straightening? Straightening takes time, so get to your dentist! Whitening you can just go with toothpaste or ramp it up with strips or at the dentist office. Decide how you want to approach it.
• Start a moisturizing routine: keep that skin looking nice! Get special under-eye cream if you want to attack that area.
• Have scars that you don't want showing? Get on that Mederma! It takes weeks to be fully effective but really works awesome!
• SUNSCREEN! No one wants awkward tan lines. Make sure you're taking care of your skin and being cautious of sun exposure. 
• Get on a vitamin regime and/or make sure you're adjusting what you're eating to get you to a good place physically. Tip top shape, y'all!
• Weekly facemasks, hair masks, the occasional foot soak, taking care of your nails, limiting your alcohol consumption, going vegetarian a few days a week: whatever ongoing goodies you need to feel your best, get the cycle going!
• TL;DR: if you've been treating your bod like crap, it's a big ship to turn so start turning it now! Stay healthy to keep happy!

Sunburn? Not today, Satan!




Focus on your fucking posture (she said, angry at herself)


• No one wants to be slouchy in all their photos. And posture takes a long time and a lot of work to correct, so get started! 
• There are tons of videos online about posture stretches. Make sure your desk is set up properly (and get up out of your chair at work as often as you can!). Focus on standing/sitting up straighter in general. Be cautious of your Netflix-binge posture. 
• Warning: I started with this one really aggressively and ended up straining my chest muscles to the point that I thought I was having a heart attack (that's a story for another day). So, ease into it, just like other forms of working out! Muscles need time to adapt.
• TL;DR: don't be a bridal Quasimodo!


Protect your time


• I am allllll about saying yes to things. A full calendar is a happy calendar, in my mind. But, during your engagement, don't overbook yourself. Especially if you're doing all the planning by yourself, you're going to be busy and stressed, and sometimes you're just going to want to lay on the couch and stare at a wall and not talk to anyone. Let yourself. Schedule time for planning, schedule time for relaxing : make them priorities. Keep yourself running at a sustainable pace.
• That also means protecting time with your partner. You two are in this together, so spend time together. Keep nurturing that relationship and remember that it's the reason for all the stress, so protect it above all else. 
• TL;DR: clear up that calendar and relax.


Get your DIY gameface on
• If you plan to DIY, start mentally preparing. Figure out who your crafty friends are so you can borrow stuff (or time) from them. Sign up for every email newsletter you can from craft stores and get ready to roll in those coupons! 
Smile and feel that joy


• If you're lucky, you only get married once. So, before the planning frenzy, and throughout, take some time just to be excited. Take a second to think about having found your person and let that shit-eating-grin sit on your face a bit longer than necessary.

Yes, there will come a point were wedding planning is the big thing you dive in on. But getting started with the things above, and keeping consistent with some of them throughout, can help keep you grounded. And can make sure you don't go "aw shit, I wish I'd have started this sooner!" Remember: engagement is finite. It's a very small window of time during one's life. So, keeping grounded is key.

Anything I missed in my list that you wish you'd have done right away after getting engaged??

* DON'T look at your money in terms of what amount you could save up to the point of the wedding, because you can't guarantee that income will keep coming in or some other major crisis won't come up. Extra saving you do is great, but should be for extras / recouping back funds after the fact, NOT what you consider for your base pay towards the big day. Also, this should NOT include any sort of emergency fund money. That should stay for emergencies.
** Also remember: they who bankroll the wedding, often give strong input on the wedding. If you don't want someone else controlling your planning, then just remember you open up those floodgates if they're helping cover cost.

Antici---pation!

Sitting here, surrounded by not-yet-crafted centerpieces, piles of invitations and stamps, a random mountain of tulle (don't ask), and all my other half-formed wedding schemes*... I can't help but feel a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. A sense of worry and dread that I just can't shake. Awaiting some other shoe to drop.

This feeling? It's unjustified. I'm literally thrilled about our upcoming nuptials. And nothing has gone (too) awry during the planning process so far (only a few minor hiccups). Things are chugging along, perfectly to plan, as we've slide quietly into the double-digits for our countdown. So really, what's to worry about?

Expectations. That's what.

Luckily, I was not the kind of gal who grew up with a hope chest stuffed with trinkets and collages of my dream wedding. So, any expectations I have of what our "big day" will look like have been formed only in the past eight months. They've formed very rapidly, based on things like: excessive online searching, boatloads of (mostly unsolicited) advice, years of attending weddings, anything I've seen that looked pretty, and... based on what I think is expected of us.

Most brides, in retrospective, will tell you not to gear your wedding towards the whims of others. "It's YOUR day," they preach, after the fact. And yet, we all know full well it's happening during the planning process, whether consciously or not. We picked our venue based on accessibility and proximity to hotels for our large number of out of town guests. We're doing it all at one location for convenience. We sent out paper invitations (sorry, environment/wallet) because we have plenty of guests who aren't entirely technologically savvy (though I did stick to my guns on the online RSVPs - we'll see how that plays out!). Throughout, we've made tiny adjustments to help check certain boxes, and most of them I haven't minded one bit.

The expectation that's getting to me isn't that our venue or food or centerpieces will somehow disappoint our guests (though that thought is hiding in the dark recesses of my mind and will probably cause a sleepless night in a month or so here). It's not that I think we'll upset someone by having the damn Cupid Shuffle on our "Do Not Play" list (it is - get over it). Honestly, the guest expectations vs reality are just something I know I can't control, so I've settled for trying to just throw a damn fun party and hope everyone has a good time.

What's getting to me is the expectations I'm putting on myself.

• I'm trying to do as much of the planning and logistics as I can by myself. Plenty of people have offered to help, but I usually casually thank away assistance. Maybe it's just that I like having control and I'm constantly worrying that someone else will do something wrong and I'll have to be upset at them (and I don't want to be that ungrateful person). Would everyone do just fine and would their help be great? Yes. But not two days ago I was pestering the beau about how he was licking envelopes incorrectly, so clearly I've got it stuck in my head that if I'm not doing it, it's not getting done. And that's what a bride does. What she is supposed to do. Plan. Go over every detail. Do nothing but wedding things for the entire engagement. Think nothing but wedding thoughts. I'm trying to fill that role, and be that expectation of a bride.
• The dress is stressing me out. I feel like I somehow didn't do it right by not having some epiphany moment like "There it is, THE dress!" The skies didn't open up, my life didn't change, it was just a pretty dress for a good price and I liked it so I got it. I didn't spend weeks of my life pillaging around various stores, I didn't pour my soul into the quest for the dress. I casually went to check out a place with my mom, when I hadn't even started looking yet, tried on a handful of dresses and said, "Okay, cool, this'll do." And now I'm in the alteration process in a panic: what if it doesn't give me that oh-ah bride feeling after I've paid for alterations? (And does it have to? Can't I just feel pretty and not like it's the most gorgeous I'll ever be? Am I a hideous beast monster in any other outfit?) What if everyone looks at me in it and gives that silent judgement, thinking I could've chosen better? What if I don't get my posture in order fast enough and look like a hunchback in all the photos? And most importantly, what if I did chose wrong and the dress fails in a big way and I can't frickin' dance in it?? I'm trying to look the part.
• This is all building up to what a lot of people call "the best day" of their lives. I'd really like to think that there will be many more best days ahead of me, but if this really is it, if this day is the pinnacle, well then I want it to be fan-frickin-tastic! But with all that hype, what comes after? Shouldn't the marriage (albeit less expensive) feel just as shiny and exciting as the wedding?? Can't it just be a really fun day, where I get to publicly hitch my wagon to his, to kick off a even more fun lifetime together? I'm trying not to put too much pressure on one day.
• I should be able to mitigate every little drama, minimize uncertainty and stress for the guests, and ensure everything is super smooth for all those involved. There should be no detail I haven't thought of, no scenario I haven't prepared a solution for, no risks for failure. Only good memories should remain for anyone near this process, any stressors I can just take on. I'm trying to be the perfect hostess.
• I want to make sure everyone feels valued and like their thoughts and opinions are heard. I worry that I counter suggestions too quickly and people will instantly think I'm a bridezilla. I try not to have strong opinions for the same reason. I use phrases like, "We haven't decided yet" or "Honey, let's talk through that more later" to avoid disagreements. When people ask how the planning is going, I give a polite smile and say a quip like "I have a lot of opinions on table clothes now!" or "It's moving right along, big day is almost here!" even if I'm in full on crisis mode.  I'm trying not to get labelled anything other than "happy bride-to-be."
• I've been avoiding many of the people who we aren't inviting. I don't want to have them ask about the wedding and to feel bad - because I genuinely would love to have each and every person who has every played a role in making me the person I am today be there; every individual who has built us up as a couple; everyone who makes us smile. But we can't, and it literally breaks my heart to think that I won't see every single one of those faces on my wedding day. So even though they care and mean well and just want to see how planning is going and how my life is, I feel so bad that I don't even want them to ask. I don't want them to feel like a lack of invite minimizes our relationship and that I don't care or they somehow didn't merit. I'm trying not to let anyone down.
• With my real job, all the chaos of life, and doing all the wedding things : my time is limited. I've been visibly lacking in social settings and unavailable at times. I've not stayed in touch as well as normal and have been struggling to keep the calendar balanced and my sanity in check. More than ever, I've also been attempting to carve out "me time" because I know stress needs to be mitigated, and I'm getting increasingly angry when I don't get time for it because of too many questions or to-do's coming my way. I'm trying to find balance.

And yes, I know most of this is just in my head, but just like Dumbledore said, that doesn't make it any less real. I'm trying daily to temper my own personal expectations and get to a point where I can just fully embrace the chaos and let myself be swept up in the stream, realizing it's a fun ride and that sometimes the rides that are the most fun are the ones where you don't have a firm hand on the wheel. Just working to set my sights on having a beautiful day full of love, where we throw a moderately sized party, in which I publicly sign on for life with the fella I planned to pester forever anyways (don't tell him, I want him to think he had to work for it) and get to dance and drink with some of our favorite people. I absolutely love weddings, so I need to start loving this gal who is planning my own a bit more, and quit giving her such a hard time.

I got 99 problems, and the bride's number one!

* Or at least, that was my situation when I started writing this post....several months ago. Funny how it's somehow still my situation, it just takes me ten times longer to accomplish things than normal because I'm constantly having to shift my focus. That's life though? #bridelife?

Wear It Out

While I was debating how to kick off the new year (making my list and checking it twice), I knew it was time for another paring down. The kind that usually only happens with a psychical relocation of homesteads. Why? Because, no matter how many times I streamline my clothes, there always seem to be just too many.

No, this is not a Marie Kondo story. As a woman who is both crippled by, and terrified of, a lack of variety, the whole "spark joy" shit doesn't work for me. I can convince myself that just about anything brings me joy (#womansburden), so that system just isn't going to help me get rid of anything. If anything, it makes me less likely to get rid of things, since I'm a sentimental schmuck who can sob over a ripped pair of pants from middle school and tell you a long-winded story about just how they shaped my life and made me who I am today.

Instead, this is the tale of my personal tried-and-true method that has served me well through several previous purges: a good old fashioned WEAR THROUGH. Here's how it works...

First, make sure you have access to your full wardrobe. That means laundry is fully done, and any "seasonal" or "sentimental" stuff you have tucked away is pulled out. Depending on season, this should also include a going through of coats and footwear, but that's a bit trickier depending where you live (sorry but my flip flops have no place in a Wisconsin winter).

Next, pick a day to start. From that point on, don't repeat your clothes. I'm not talking about not repeating outfits, but instead not repeating individual articles. This also includes every sock, cami, scarf, bra, set of PJs, bit of workout clothing, etc. Nothing should be spared. Each and every stitch is to be worn, either as a last hurrah or as an acknowledgement that its still a vital piece of attire. You cannot start repeating pieces until everything has been worn through. To be honest, the first things to repeat will be pants usually (most people have way more tops than bottoms), but again, not until all have been worn first. Once something is worn it should be washed and then tucked away into a tote / separate drawer, a clothing purgatory.

And there they'll stay until I've made it through the lot of them!

During this process you will have clothing in four states:

1. On the Rack :: yet to be worn
2. Laundry Limbo :: worn and not yet laundered
3. Clothing Purgatory :: worn, washed, and in your hideaway box 
4. Departures :: things you're not keeping

How does this play out? Usually I end up wearing my favorites that I always wear first, and then spiral into a wacky array. This time around, I purposefully dug into the archives first. You can pick whatever strategy you want!

On the Rack
Right off the bat, it's a 2-in-3 shot at survival :

1. You pull that shirt out of the back of the closet and go "Oh, I love this! I forgot I even had it!" and you wear it. Then it goes to laundry limbo.
2. You look at it and wonder why you even still have it, or decide it's not your size/style anymore. In this case - put it immediately into the departures pile. 
3. Or, less drastic, you just don't feel like wearing it on this particular day. Yes, you can keep it on the rack and come back to it another day, BUT if you keep finding yourself going back to it and deciding "not today" well, then maybe it just needs to go, honey. 

As you move along, you'll have to start getting more creative with how to pair up clothes to not repeat pieces. Depending on the volumes of the different types of garments, some things will repeat sooner. For example, if you only have five pairs of pants and socks, but have twenty shirts - well, the pants and socks will start repeating sooner. Or if it's winter and you have a lot of sleeveless, well, you'll need to eventually repeat cardigans or blazers to wear with them... eventually. The goal is to go as long as you can without repeating, and once you do have to repeat something, it stays in this cycle until everything is totally gone through.
Laundry Limbo Once you've worn something, it's got a 50/50 chance:

1. You wore it, remembered how much you loved it, and know that you'd like to continue to have it in your rotation. Pop it into the laundry basket! It's going to get all fresh and clean for a future wear!
2. After wearing it, you remember why you hadn't worn it lately. The cut it slightly uncomfortable. It's too tight in certain places (looking at you, blouses with the boob gap!). There's something worn out, or a lost button that you'll never recover, or something that needs mending that you just know you'll never take care of. It's a sweater that's since gotten pilly. There just isn't a scenario you'd find yourself wanting to wear it in very often (hello, clubbing clothes - you were staples in the 20s but now are just too uncomfortable to bother with). Etc Etc. Whatever it is, it's time to part ways. If it needs to be actually disposed of, try and re-purpose it for a rag/cleaning cloth or something before tossing (save the planet). If you're planning to donate or sell it, then wash it up but make sure it finds its way to the departures pile after. 

Clothing Purgatory

Congrats, clothes, you've made it this far! You've been worn, washed, and loved. Now, put these away into a "can't touch this" box, tote or drawer. Somewhere you can't even start looking until after you're run out of an essential element. Yep, ever panty, sock, shirt, and scarf, all of it gets tucked away. Once you do start needing to repeat (because you've run out of socks), be mindful of what it is you're pulling out to wear again. If it's something that's your first pick, it's pretty safe to say it's something worth keeping around. If you realize there's something you just don't want to pull out again, because it really only works by itself and with nothing else, or because you've second guessed in general - then it goes to departures. 

Once you've hit the final piece of clothing, and have gone through your goal of wearing everything - this is the perfect time for a fresh start in your closet or dresser! 

• Wipe down all surfaces, dust, and tidy up overall. You're putting everything back into this empty space, so make sure it's clean first. (How often do you wipe down drawers otherwise, honestly? Take advantage of the emptiness!) 
• Get rid of shitty hangers and decide how you want to organize things. 
• If you have some pieces that you decided you need to keep for sentimental reasons , but just won't wear regularly - give them a separate home that is not in the way of your daily wardrobe.  
• If you have some of those "skinny jeans" or "walrus sweats" that you just need to keep to torture yourself, also tuck those away. And leave a note on that box with the date. Next time you see it, if it's been more than six months, if that stuff still doesn't fit - it's time. That ship has sailed. (Unless you're like, pregnant. Maybe just don't do any of this while pregnant??)

Past Gina is a kind and ruthless bitch

Then reorg and put everything back into its new home! All your clothes are wearable, clean, and ready to be picked out to wear any old time!

Departures

This group of misfit toys is washed and clean, and ready to move on to a new home. 

• Anything to be tossed should've already been gone.
• If you're planning to donate, give a shout out to some friends or family first, see if they want to dig through for some freebies! Or, if you don't want to deal with that coordination, see if any of them could go to better use than just hitting a Goodwill rack - look up a local woman's shelter, or see if any of your work clothes can go to underprivileged folks (re)joining the workforce (interview clothes can be pricey!). 
• If you're planning to try and sell your stuff (on Poshmark or the like), don't put it off! Get photos taken and get those clothes posted up right away! If it doesn't sell within a month, move on. If you're saving clothes for a garage sale in the spring or something, put them aside and out of the way, but also leave a note with the date - if you realize two years later that that box is still there, it's time to donate. 

And that's all there is to it! The whole point is to make an effort to see what you really still like to wear and what's applicable to wear based on the life you're living. Don't spend a dime on anything new, just  wear what you already have. Wear. It. All. In the end, you'll have streamlined and learned to understand what you've got. It's day 44 for me on this wear through, and I've not had a duplicate outfit yet (except for pants). And I have oh-so-many more clothes to go. Really, I almost feel bad seeing how many clothes I have, and some that originally made it through to clothing purgatory have since been reassigned to departures (you know, when you realize you have three black tees and probably only need one). The bright side to this situation: approximately 90% of my clothes were thrifted originally,* so in general I didn't spend much money to obtain the collection I have AND they've already had two+ good lives. I hope they have many more lives after their time spent with me, and that my old friends enjoy their new homes. 

Hello, my vibrant friends! Let's see if you've run your course,
or if you've got a few more laps in you yet!

* Or I got for free using my Gap Cash - see my long footnote rant here for how much I love that effin' Gap Cash! 

I do, I do, I do, I do, I do

... love me some planning!

With ABBA's greatest hits on repeat, the wedding planning has been cruising right along. Depending who you ask, we're drastically behind or doing just fine. According to my meticulous spreadsheets, we're rockstars and the naysayers are officially off the guest list. Since most else in life has been taking a back seat during all this, figured some update to prove I'm alive and that we're making progress wouldn't go amiss. So, here's some stuff that's gone down on the planning front since the engagement, and a bit of a follow up to some of those fabulously half-assed answers from November.

• We have a date! And it's less than a year out from the day we got engaged - no pressure! By the end of September 2019, we'll be oh so officially husband and wife. We're pumped to have locked in a fall slot. Our logic: summer would be way to sweaty for me, winter could cause travel issues, and spring was too risky for the dreaded "rain on your wedding day" that Alanis Morissette ironically warned against (plus I didn't want to wait til 2020, to be honest). Added bonus: our date comes with a built in theme song, so we'll never forget our anniversary!
• We have a venue! We basically picked a mansion by the lake. Because, why not? Added bonus: we get it for the entire day, which means I will be lounging about the place in my PJs and pretending it's my house all morning.
• We have a photographer and a DJ! After buckets of research, we signed some legit looking documents and parted ways with a few more deposits. We've got a wizard set to go behind the lens, a nerdy crew for the jams, and all the uplighting you can handle (because I insisted). Added bonus: we also managed to finagle some discounts! Holla!
• I have the dress! Speaking of discounts, holy shit did I get a deal on the dress. I had been researching and pinning, and just went to go check out a shop with my mom, very casually, with no intent of even trying a dress on, but the woman at the shop was so chill and before I knew it, I I was buying my dress! Added bonus: originally, the dress was almost two grand, and I got it for $400! (As a midwest gal, the glamour of the deal is almost as important as the glamour of the dress!!) It just will need a little bit of alteration (adding a bustle, tightening up the bust - but else it's almost my size as is!) and wham, bam, thank you ma'am! 
• We have a color scheme! And yes, I caved and made an effin' Pinterest board of it (DM for link - because I know everyone has just been holding their breath! lol). 
• Some things are still in the works:
• We have a tentative plan for officiant, guest list, and wedding party, just need to do some communicating on all that. 
• Hotels, the website, and all date saving / invitation type things are still being tinkered with.  
• I have about fifty different game plans for the DIY chuppah I'm going to build. Chuppah begets centerpieces, so once I nail that down, I can properly plot tables out.
• I've got a shady scheme going currently for florals and cake - should it all go to plan, will post about that some day. 

Wisconsin: it's where our love story started, so it's where we're getting married!

Important things I've learned:

1. Haggle. It's expected. Worst case scenario? You don't get a discount and pay what you planned to pay anyways. Else, many aspects can be customized to save cash moneys. 
2. Meltdowns. They happen. Don't try to be tough, just let that shit out and move along. That's how you keep them as mini, bite-sized anxiety attacks ... instead of  family-sized. 
3. Wedding Expos are a circus, in hell. If you attend, have a game plan. Be aggressive and hit up the bar immediately. Bring address labels with your name, email and wedding date/venue on them so you don't have to fill out a million little slips to enter into drawings - because that's why you're there. Drawings. And cake samples. The rest is just fluff. (I could do an entire post on the nightmare that was the one expo I attended - if anyone wants to hear that saga, let me know!)
4. Kindred. There's a lot of other brides-to-be out there. Band together, ladies! Because the war stories are great, and it's nice to compare notes. (There's also a lot of ladies who are wived up already, who have the value of hindsight to help calm any worries.)
5. Make it rain. Money means nothing anymore. The wonderfully foolish amount of cash thrown at weddings is a fun little game of trying to spend less. All you can do is just remember your budget, and make a plan for bringing in extra dough if you find yourself wanting to go over. (In the beau's case, he works overtime to make more - in my case, I spend less the save more.) 
6. No monsters here. Putting your foot down does not make you a bridezilla. (She who is in charge of planning, gets to have final say on plans.) Feeling stressed does not make you a terror. This is a major life change, and that sort of metamorphosis isn't always pretty, but in the end you come out a butterfly - so it's all good. 

The best thing about all this? The beau hasn't been scared away by all the planning. Now that the big boxes are checked, we're just getting excited about all the little details we'll get to have for what's going to be a wonderful day. One wonderful day, one perfect point in time, to kick off what will be a wonderful lifetime. Sure, we'll kick it off with a little less cash in our pockets, but with just as much love in our hearts. (Cheesy enough for y'all?)

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

We spend all our lives developing and nurturing relationships. Some are fleeting or tumultuous. Others come in and out. Then there are those that last for years and years, but change over time. Most are not constant. Save for one. The most important one. I'm not talking about finding the one. I'm talking about the one that you can never truly get away from. It's that person who I've been in a relationship with for the past thirty years.... myself.

It's that me, that she, that's been having a hard time this past month. Because this is it. We're done. There's a beautiful shiny rock on a very important finger now, which means it's time for one final breakup - with any luck, the last breakup I'll ever have in this lifetime* - the divorce from my singledom.

***Let me preface this by saying I literally could not be happier to be starting this new adventure with the ridiculously wonderful man who has agreed to stick by me for, you know, eternity. I'm stupid lucky to have found him. BUT, being engaged does not mean that the only emotion you're allowed to feel is giddy giddy joy joy all the time. So, just let me get this lament out and if you'd rather hear the glowing rosy-eyed bride-to-be ravings, I'm sure those will come later. For now you get a scatter-brained panic, because that's how my brain feels.***

Don't get me wrong, I know this all is going to sound terribly melodramatic. I'm not losing a leg, or moving abroad, or switching jobs, or altering my gender, or dying here - nothing so hectic as all that. I'm just getting married. It's just a name on a piece of paper really.... right?

What is in a name?

But that's just it. It's my name. A name that I've built an identity around my entire life. It's silly that a few letters (or in my case, a lot of frickin' letters) can form such a core identity, but they really do. It's that long last name that spun off into countless nicknames, and awkward explanations of how to attempt to pronounce it. It's a name that most of my friends probably still can't say, which settled me into my position as just "Gina K." That last name immediately signals my heritage (it's so German that it literally is wearing lederhosen and chugging a litre of beer) and anchors me to my family.

It's a name that's also coming to an end. Unless my sister decides to keep our name and pass it to her children, there won't be a next generation. It will become just an archaic reference on someone's family tree some day. There won't be anyone walking around proudly carrying it with. (Then, you can sure bet that there really will be no one who can pronounce it!) And the thought of that kind of makes my heart hurt a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking: I'm the one opting to make that name change, so if it really bothers me, I don't have to do it. But, I do want to. It's a symbol that we're a new little family. That we're merging those branches together. I'll be proud to don that new last name - and thrilled to get some ambiguity going forward - but that change is a mental hurdle that I'm still working on getting over. I have a long time before I have to properly face said hurdle. Right now I'm getting a running start, so later I don't just barrel straight into it and end up a crumpled, crying mess on the ground.

Who the heck even am I?

It's all a part of the mental shift. There's a new constant, now. It's not just me: it's we.

How do you like THEM apples?? ... I like them fine, thanks.

Never fear: I'll still fight against being pigeon-holed into just specific titles (see rant #9). But, as much as I might argue that I get to be just-the-same-as-I-ever-was-thankyaverymuch, it really is true that marriage does fundamentally change something. Besides literally changing my name, I'm changing my perspective on the future.

As I evolved from a scrappy trailer-park kid, to a painfully nerdy band geek student, to an aggressively-social-butterfly, to an independent career-girl, I was by and large single. And to be honest, I was good at it. Yes, I had loving family and friends who had my back, but on a whole I was solely responsible for the outcome of my life. My decisions and their consequences were all on me. So if I messed up, it was just me who was impacted. If I was poor, it was okay because I only had one mouth to feed. It was all on my shoulders. I decided what took priority, and how to spend my time and money. Just me...

Even though we've been together for almost five years now, I still was always cautious about the potential of reverting to that single status. When we moved in, I  kept my pots and utensils. I made sure I was financially secure enough to go solo again at any point. I didn't get rid of all my furniture. I knew exactly which friends had a couch I could crash on... just in case. I lived life in "just in case" mode.

Because, let's be real, relationships can just end on a dime. I could've come home any day from work to find him gone for no good reason. Because even though you care, a relationship isn't set in stone. It's a loose knit that can unravel fairly quickly.

This is it. Don't get scared now. 

Marriage ups the ante. It ties big old knots into that loose knit. It's more binding. Sure, marriages still do end sometimes, but divorce is messy and expensive. If you want out, it takes a lot more effort. That's why (most) people don't enter into this legal union lightly. And it's not like we are, and it's not like this wasn't building up for awhile - I'm not shocked and suddenly having to come to grips with this identity change. This wasn't something we rushed.** I guess I just didn't realize that my obnoxious last name and single-status meant so much to my wonky brain.

So here's where that leaves me.... a bride-to-be, having a quiet meltdown / identity crisis while trying to keep a good poker face. Mentally preparing to go all in on this big bet, and hoping that this two-of-a-kind is enough to win. This doesn't feel like a gamble. It feels like a sure thing. Besides, my cards are all on the table at this point, and there's no going back now. I have no regrets about how I've played the game up to this moment, and no regrets about how it will all turn out. Because you can't win if you don't play. And the prize is happily-ever-after.

In it to win it...

* Yes, I did bust out all the best breakup songs. Because even if breakups suck, there is nothing more cathartic than openly sobbing in ones car will blaring "I will always love you" or "It must've been love" or some other sap anthem. Anyone who has never had one of those moments has lived their life at half emotional capacity. 
** I managed to keep conversation about marriage pretty practical and non-threatening. No major ultimatums were made. My fiancé never came home to me laying in a pile of wedding magazines and taffeta fabric samples with "Wedding Bell Blues" on repeat and "Say Yes to the Dress" queued up on the TV, wearing a "Why aren't we engaged yet?" t-shirt. No offense to the forward-thinking women who made such displays, it just wasn't my style. 
*** Also, for the record, getting married will not make me get off my feminist soap box. I'm gaining a legal life partner here, not a master. So while my mental title shift to be a little less 'Miss Independent' and a little more 'Mrs. Woman of Her Own Mind' - don't expect too much else to change in terms of my attitude on gender roles and contributions to a household, loves. 

#CompanyIsComing

AKA Weird Shit I Clean / Do to Get Ready When We're Going to Have House Guests*

Tis the season... for guests! Holiday travel means overpriced and overbooked hotels. Which also means holiday crashers.

Given my extreme extrovert tendencies, the more humans in my presence, the better. As an incognito 50s housewife, hosting is my bag. Tag on the fact that we have a second bed/bath in our apartment and live in a city with a viable airport and BOOM, we're a prime candidate for taking on company!

Since we're often a boardinghouse, I've refined my approach to prepping and have expanded my previous routine. I still firmly stand by my list of hostess essentials (snacks, drinks, sheets, towels and TP), but I've added a few other tricks up my sleeve. Sometimes I'll even just do basic tidying plus these, and nothing else - that's how stellar they are!

1. Greenery: Make sure it at least looks like you can keep something alive (gives visitors confidence that can keep them alive, too!). That means putting out flowers and/or making sure all potted plants are alive and watered. Or, sometimes, buying new potted plants that look more alive than the ones you've already let die. (Hide those.) 
2. Floorboards: Seriously. Clean them. You'd be amazed. Instant adulthood level cleanliness. Our little dustbuster hand vacuum with a bristle attachment, I just cruise around with that. If you don't have one, a swiffer works, too! Or, grab an old sock and put it on your hand and just run around - hell of a thigh workout since you're basically squat shuffling. (Vacuum after you do this, so you don't knock dust down onto a clean floor)
3. Focused Cleaning: Instead of losing your mind deep cleaning, think about the places your visitors will be the most. An overnighter: second bathroom, bedroom, living room. A party goer: any bathroom, living room, dining room. A dinner guest: any bathroom, dining room, kitchen. ETC. (Note the common rule: BATHROOM. Everyone will always go there at some point!) Anywhere that's not a main area, just tidy up, and don't freak out about. 
4. WiFi: Make sure you have WiFi deets written down somewhere so people don't have to ask. I cross-stitched ours and framed it in the second bedroom. 
5. Hot Stuff: In our apartment, we have blasting radiator heat that we can't control. Meaning it can be 10 degrees outside and a tropical heatwave inside. Warning guests in advance allows them to dress appropriately. Then they're more comfortable and you magically seem like a better host because they're happy. If you live in a cold, drafty space, either warn in advance, or have extra slippers and blankets at the ready.
6. Get Lit: Light up one candle per room, a half hour before arrival. Keep the scents generic, like good old "fresh linen" (some folks hate candles that smell like food, like my beau, so you don't want to put anyone off - though in the kitchen that works). Blow them out before you go lead the welcoming committee - that way, when they enter they don't see 800 candles lit and think you were desperate to cover up something nasty. I usually leave the living room candle still burning, just in case they call me out on the candle smell.
7. Stock Up: Yes, "drinks" was always on my list, but now we have both a bar cart and a beer fridge that need stocking. If the cart / fridge are stocked, no one feels like they're imposing / being that asshole who's taking your last beer. A pile of snacks is always a win as well.



The twist is: vodka!

8. Spare key: If you can provide one, do. Especially if they're staying for more than a night. Because we've all been that person who forgot something in the car and has to awkwardly ask how to get back in the building (#apartmentliving).
9. Spot Check: Magic Eraser sponges, the white ones that wear away as you use them, are actual magic. After I hit both toilets with bowl cleaner, I spend the 15 minute "wait time" running around spot checking with that soapy magic sponge in one hand and a dry rag in the other. I systematically stalk** my way around the walls of the apartment, stopping at every light switch, door and corner. It takes only 15 minutes to do this rapid spot check. A swipe with the sponge, dry towel it off, move along.
   At lights: wipe the switch, plate, and any smudges around the plate - also make sure switches and bulbs work fine. At doors, on both sides: wipe down the knob, any hand smudges above or below the knob (you know, where you put your hand to push/pull a door instead of using the knob), and also any "kick board" smudges (aka the bottom of the door where your foot might hit it). At corners: jutting corner walls are surprisingly easy to smudge and nick up, so wipe that shit down!
10. Expiration: Clean out anything in your fridge that's overdue for tossing, so someone doesn't accidentally find themself drinking chunky milk. 
11. Big Fan: If you have any fans, dust the damn blades. Else, any cleaning you did is automatically null and void as someone flips that fan on and it starts shooting dust around. As someone with allergies, if I see gross looking fan blades, I'd rather sweat to death than turn it on.
    For ceiling fans: take an old pillow case, put it around the blade and pull the dust off - it'll fall in the pillow case instead of all over your stuff then! Other fans: unscrew the blade and take it with you the next time you shower (aka detach and hose down). 
12. First impression: Make sure whatever your entryway is, it's clean. And guests know just where to put shoes/hang coats, so it doesn't become a cluttered tripping nightmare. 
13. Dishware: Leave some out or make it obvious where dishes are. I added a mug rack to our counter by our coffee maker. So, at the very least, people know just where to get a cup for their morning brew / water in the night. 
14. Spruce: Fluff up at least one element in each room to make it looks like your space is slightly more badass than it is normally. Bathroom: new funky shower curtain. Bedroom: more pillows and throw blankets. Living room: put out a good coffee table book. Kitchen: squirrel away anything cluttering counters. 
15. Outlet: Have extension cords handy / outlets exposed - someone will always need to charge something!

An equally important outlet... is one for you as a host. Even with visitors, you need a place / time to get away. Whenever we lodge out-of-towners, I keep our bedroom door shut (normally it's open - except when sleeping #becauseserialkillers). This also shuts off our bathroom, making it clear that guests have their sleeping space and their bathroom, and we have ours. If I need to go hide for a minute, there's a closed door to go throw myself behind.

Having guests is supposed to be fun: there's no point in driving yourself crazy. Sometimes (even if you're a hostess with the mostest), you still need just a minute between crazy ramp-up cleaning mode, being chairman of the welcoming committee, playing chauffeur, being tour-guide extraordinaire, and running a bed & breakfast for family and friends out of your apartment. So hang in their, friends, and get that Treat Yo'Self spa day in now, because company is coming!

Just for good measure, I also usually spray paint
something gold. Totes profesh decorator, right here.

* The internet has mixed feelings about spelling it as "houseguests" vs "house guests." To me, no space looks correct, and the word "guests" along looks completely insane the more times I stare at that string of letters. Literally, it's a freak word with too many vowels and S's. </rant>
** Instead of the classic fave "the floor is made of lava," it's the new age fave "I'm stuck to the walls" - sure to be a big hit with the youths!

Give up the Ghost

(Note in advance: this one isn't a happy fun post.* I promise to follow up with one of those soon. Just FYI.)

It's almost 11 pm in our tiny kitchen. I just baked a batch of cookies using wax paper. Apparently you're not supposed to put wax paper in the oven. I feel like this is something I've been told before, but so it goes.

Today is a special day, in an odd way. It's been two years now since my grandma decided she was ready. Ready to leave and go see her husband, son, and friends.

Standing in the kitchen, ripping off parchment paper, I think about a plaque that used to hang on her wall, that my uncle Vern had written about her. It talked about her kitchen, the tiny one that she had managed to feed a small army out of. Her kitchen had been filled with love and shared whispers. Secrets and sometimes tears, between her and her children. Whether by birth or by proximity, they were hers to care for.

Nearing midnight, mine is just filled with the scent of waxy cookies. And shared only with a ghost.

In a lot of ways, that ghost follows me around all the time. She appears in my mannerisms, in my weird choice (and semi hoarding) of knick-knacks, in my every day conversations. Only an hour ago, as I chided the beau out of the kitchen, I heard myself saying how there should only be two people in the kitchen, one for cooking and one for cleaning, and anybody else should get out.

That's a paraphrase of my grandma, I just know it.

Or at least, I think I know it. Two years gone and I feel like I've begun to curate a version of her in my mind that hits all the marks I need it to, while smoothing out anything else. I don't think about the later, cranky years as much. Except for the occasional smirk about her very best scowling faces. Or mockery of the pitiful voice she saved just for voicemails to guilt you into calling her back (even though you'd just spoken to her a day ago) - you know, the one that is half whiny, half 'help I've fallen and I can't get up,' and all the best mastery of manipulation. The voicemails that I wish I'd saved at some point. Instead of just rolling my eyes and making a note to call her back... tomorrow. Because there was always a tomorrow.

Until there wasn't.

The timer goes off, and batch two is through. I drop molten chocolate on my shirt, after burning my thumb. As I try and fail to fully remove the stain, I accept that this shirt will always be a bit chocolaty. But hey, if anyone is looking that close, you just smack em!

And there she is again. Putting words in my mouth.

All the memories I use to craft this ghost grandma, this cherished curation, they blur together to create something I can keep not on a pedestal, but can instead use as a shield against anything sad or bad in this world. She exists only in our minds, in our stories, and in the imitations of her walking about still. She may not be as vivid, but all the moments leading up to her departure are just so clear in my mind...

-

I typed up everything for you, dear friends. Every memory. Every moment from that week before. Every regret. Every thought and feeling from the day of and the days that followed. I put it here in black and white, while the ghost shoulder-read. The timer went off, and the oven ran on, and the cookies saw a darker shade of pale.

Then I wondered why I'd kept all those thoughts inside so long. If that had been that dull, aching feeling in the pit of my stomach all these years. Maybe I just needed to tell the story so I could move on. You know, hang out with the ghost only on special occasions and not just anytime I allowed a free thought to wander.

Or maybe I need that little bit of sadness, to better appreciate the present and the ones I love.

Maybe I'm not ready to give up the ghost.**

So I took that black and white, and I wrapped it back up. In a little box. With a bow. And I tucked it away again. In the back, bottom corner of the little metaphorical chest where I hide all my other treasured thoughts.

I'm sorry I couldn't share it with you today. There may come a point where I'm ready. Or there may not. Either way, I sure do miss her. But, at least - and I'm sure she'd agree - all things are better with cookies...



*If you know me, I'm not very "good" at grieving. I don't express it well in person. That's why I burrow into a blog post and hide there instead. It's easier to walk around with a smile on, then to try and explain what's wrong. Because no one accepts the answer "I'm just sad today, is all." (Or I just act bitchy and cranky so people leave me alone, but that more often backfires...)
**In this sense or in the typical sense of the phrase either! Yet another phrase I never understood the meaning of....

#LivingInSin

It's official: Year One of #LivingInSin is on the books!

Going into this, as you know, I was a bit apprehensive. And I had a freak-out (aka total meltdown) about all my stuff, as I attempted to squeeze my life into a shared space. BUT, I was also stupid excited about living with the beau.

Pre-move, in my glass case of emotion.

So... how did it go? We've officially been through four seasons, haven't murdered each other, and still cohabitate. So, something is going right. But was it as expected? Looking back at my original thoughts, pre-move (aka the posts linked above), was it par for the course?

Just as I thought

• While cohabitating, I still refuse to pee with the door open and walk around naked. Because I'm a g'damn lady and I am not comfortable flaunting my flub with anyone, no matter how much rent money they pay.
• Sadly, I was right. I don't dance as often. Making mental note to amend this. 
• I miss a good old fashioned full-bed, starfish sprawl. Luckily, the beau leaves for work an hour before I do, so for that last glorious time after he leaves, that bed is allll mine. All the blankets. I get to have them all perfectly arranged and stationary. 
• The access to Netflix, Hulu, HBO Go, etc. is pretty sweet. I watch way more TV than I used to. And all the choices stress me the heck out. 
• The beau balances me. Sure, I don't get to dwell in my anxiety and slip-slide around my doubt spirals all alone and unsupervised anymore, like I did when living alone, but that's probably a good thing. My freak-outs don't go unchecked. He checks me. It's comforting.
• I talk on the phone way less. Kind of a bummer. I try to save my chit-chat for when I'm in transit, or out for a walk, etc. so I'm not creeping around our apartment whisper-gossiping. Not that he'd be dropping any eaves anyways, but I feel like in a confined space it's hard not to overhear. 
• Hosting is more epic. Co-hosting and being able to split prep is fantastic. 

Didn't see that coming... 

• I still eat like a ten year old and have no qualms with being judged. I worried that my days of laying on the couch with a full pot of mac were going to be guilted away, but never fear, I've held strong in resolve to dump trashy food into my maw when I'm having a bad day. And the beau bakes. Which just adds to it. 
• Speaking of eating, yeah, I kind of thought we'd end up being one of those cute Insta-couples who meal preps every Sunday and grocery shops together. But honestly, we're busy. We don't often coordinate that much in advance. When we grocery shop, we both get what we want, and for the meals we want together, we each grab some of the stuff for it. It's not a total roommate situation where if I eat one of his apples he leaves a passive-aggressive note. (But if he eats one of my yogurts, he knows I'll panic. Yogurts are different, because I only bought four even though I need five to have breakfast every day at work, and if that goes down to three then I'm a starving angry bear for half the week).
• Oldies music still bumps out on a regular basis, just less so from my glow-dial radio and moreso from Alexa (that demon she-bot who moved in with us).
• I thought I'd be more assertive about taking me-time, but I honestly suck at it. My "me-time" is usually going to grab happy hour or a movie with the gals. (Lady time has not been dampened by living with the beau - huzzah!) On the occasions when I get the apartment to myself, I usually just hulk out cleaning / doing laundry and then frantically text everyone to spend time with me. It's actually not a great thing, because it comes with the occasional spaz out over needing alone time, even though I don't take advantage of it when I get it. Need to find some chill. 
• Paranoia. It's virtually gone (KNOCK ON WOOD). As someone who used to occasionally have a paranoia attack and lock herself in the bathroom with a kitchen knife and end up sleeping in the tub, this calmness is refreshing. I'm still 99% sure that someone is fucking with me though when things wind up in weird places or randomly moved. But that's just, some sort of karma probably.

With living together, I've loved our location, our creepy old apartment, our proximity to cool shit and friends, my commute, and above all, my time with the man who agreed to dwell - he's swell. The main thing I haven't loved: myself. After so many years of living alone, all my very worst traits crept back out to play as soon as they had a roomie present to put on a show for:

• My OCD over stupid things: Like, how there IS a RIGHT way to hang your wet towel on the bar so it dries quicker and doesn't get moldy. Or how to load a dishwasher so you can fit the most things, so you save water and energy and little dishwasher tablet thingies. I really try to not sweat the small stuff, but sometimes I just sweat it out. It makes me seem like a g'dman nag. NO one wants to be a nag.
• My hangry attitude: Seriously. When I'm hungry, I'm just an awful person. Living together and seeing each other all the time vastly increased the likelihood of the beau seeing me famished. To his peril.
• The exposure of my post-work-day angst: Living alone, I had time to come home, fume a bit and blow of steam so I could be all smiles by the time I interacted with other humans. Now, on stressful workdays, I have a 5 minute commute home before I'm stomping in on the man I love, with fire in eyes and rage in my voice. He gets hit with the brunt of it unless I awkwardly run away and hide while I decompress. (Usually I go to the bathroom and putz around in there. He probably thinks I have awful digestive issues...)
• Social anxiety: You'd think that always being around another person, I'd have my fill of socialization. But honestly, I get worried about being one of those people who only ever spends time with their significant other. We all have a friend like that. You know... what's her name. She started dating that one guy and was never seen again. I can't. That scares me. 

I don't want to point out every little baddie, or pretend that everything is always shiny when living with someone else. It's just not realistic. I have been so so lucky though that I get to live with someone who makes me smile and laugh. Who lets me paint radiators or closets at a whim. Who kills centipedes (if I can't get to them first). Who loves me even when I'm wearing that ratty old pair of PJ shorts from college (how did they survive the moving purge??). Who knows my Erbs and Gerbs order and preemptively orders it as he sees me having a rough day (because that Quatro always makes things better). So yeah, overall, I'm thrilled that #LivingInSin year two is going to be a thing. Cheers to another year!

What if we don't want to yield? #CantStopWontStop