COVID-19 Killed My Honeymoon, and Other Feels from a Pandemic

Six months ago, I did the most adult thing I've ever done and married my love, on what I'd selfishly argue was the most beautiful day of 2019/ever. Three months ago, early cases of a new virus started being reported out of China. One month ago, my husband survived an active shooter situation at his work place. Ten days ago that little virus from China was declared a pandemic.

And a week ago, I was standing in our bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror, silently sobbing, and eating a large homemade cookie.

It was banana oatmeal chocolate chip, like my mom used to make. Because it's a comfort food of my youth (much like buttered saltines and Mrs. Grass's soup). And I had made a large batch earlier that day with a few bananas that had gone too ripe. (I knew I could freeze them if needed to and was in doomsday-meal-prep mode that day.)

A culmination of feels hit me all at once as I picked up the first still-warm cookie to try out. And as that wave broke, I dashed to the bathroom. The bathroom was a closed door that I could use to shield my husband from any further stress, so I wouldn't be a burden. A refuge for me to process my emotions before putting back on the brave face and stepping back out. It was a silent space for some introspection. I could take all the time I needed. No one questions a closed bathroom door.

It wasn't until I was standing in front of the mirror that I realized the cookie was even still with me. There, in my hand, warm chocolate chips began to smudge my fingers. I let out a quiet, childish chortle thinking about how great, now my fingers looked like they had poop on them. And that's when the tears started to flow. Because it was arguably funny and weird that my cookie and I were there, but arguably awful everywhere else in the world.

I let the tears flow, slowly eating my cookie, and stared into my own eyes to reflect on the root cause of this particular breakdown....

.... I finally let myself accept the fact that we wouldn't be having a honeymoon. The situation had passed a tipping point in Europe and the journey around Portugal and the Azores I had meticulously planned (kicking off April 1st) was simply not going to happen. We likely wouldn't physically be able to get there, due to new border restrictions being put into place daily. And even if we did, every restaurant, museum, or park we might want to visit would be closed. We'd put ourselves and others at risk as we hopped between a half dozen airports on our way to and from. And we'd likely be put on quarantine either upon entry or upon return, if we even could return.* We had to cancel our honeymoon; we had to stay home.

.... My husband was still going to have to physically go to work the next day (as he can't work remote like I'm luckily able to), and risk being exposed to this accelerating plague. I'd be home working all day alone, with my phone propped up nearby, forever worried about missing his call telling me that he was in danger (because I missed it once, and it broke me, and I never want to miss a call from him again). He was going to come home after work, carrying with him the news and germs of the day, and spiral into a news-reel black hole, obsessing over the increasing number of cases (and deaths), and wondering why more wasn't being done. And I wouldn't have any answers for him. Any words of comfort would continue to be fairly hollow, as the situation changed so drastically each day, and all projected outcomes didn't bode well. I couldn't console my husband and I couldn't keep him safe.

.... My mom was going to still go to the casino for St. Patrick's Day with my aunt.** And plenty of others were going to continue going about their lives like nothing was happening. And this virus would just continue to spread because the people of the world wouldn't give up their freedoms until the situation got so dire that they were forced to. And there was nothing I could do to stop that. I could practice social distancing or stay entirely quarantined, and I personally could do my part, but I couldn't control anything beyond that. I could talk til I was blue in the face about the steps that needed to be taken, and still be told that I was overreacting and this was all a hoax. My actions alone felt like they meant very little. 

.... We had friends losing their jobs, stepping into an unknown timeline of financial insecurity. People we knew with compromised immune systems (and conditions that make them more vulnerable) who were scared to go outside and worried sick about getting sick. Relatives who would hate it if you said it out loud but who, quite frankly, fall into the "elderly" category and are thus in a higher risk zone. We watched friends have to adapt their career and home situations, suddenly working remote and needing somehow to care for their children who no longer could go to school/daycare due to closures. Friends who are nurses and doctors who are on the brink of a real shitstorm and will have to face the biggest challenges yet to come. We saw other friends get stuck while attempting to travel, people rushing to get to their final destinations. Events were cancelled, with many more pending cancellation. Everything and everyone we knew would be impacted by this.

.... I was also just straight up pissed. Angry for all the selfish reasons, but also for the lack of preparedness on a global scale, for the senseless loss of life, for the amount of misinformation being circulated. And mad at myself, for not taking it more seriously sooner, for all the times I'd gone out and about and could've possibly unknowingly contracted and spread this virus to someone else. I was just so vexed that this pandemic was really happening to us.

.... The timeline was totally unknown. Would this really be over in a month? Or were we all about to sign up for a much longer tour of duty with coronavirus? Would everyone do their part and this would all move along faster, or would the lies coming out of the President's mouth have done irreparable damage? Even if we all quarantined, would it just spread again the second we all returned to normal and we'd have to wait a year for a proper vaccine? Would our honeymoon not be the only thing we'd have to cancel in what was to be our most travel-heavy year to date? When would it really end and how bad would it get? When could life go back to normal?

I talk a good talk about the steps to be followed: stay home, wash your hands, practice social distancing if you have to go out for vital supplies, flatten the curve, keep your mental health in good shape, be kind, thank essential workers, stay strong and united at a distance, etc. I talk that talk on any platform I can and hope it will somehow help, but at the end of the day, I was still the one cry-eating a cookie in a bathroom. No one is immune to the feels during this health crisis.

I'd wager I've not been the only one sobbing in a bathroom in recent weeks. And that I'm not the only one who feels like they're at the point where anxiety, anger, and helplessness walked into a bar (against public order that such facilities remain closed to stop the spread) and then they licked everything in sight, touched their faces, and ran about in the streets buying up toilet paper. And I'm certainly not the only one who had to cancel a honeymoon, or whose life plan has to look a little different based on recent events. I'm happy for a strange feeling of solidarity, but am also just so damn frustrated-sad-enraged that we're all in this mess together (...but apart, please stay home).***

It's okay to have cookie-cries in the bathroom -
just be sure to wash your hands for twenty seconds afterwards.

* Spoiler alert: they've since blocked all travel into Portugal, and the Azores have mandatory quarantines in place for all those entering. The bright side is, we were able to get full refunds for our hotels and AirBNBs - and some of the airlines we were to fly with, others we're still arguing with that we want refunds and not vouchers (since we have no idea when or if we'll be able to reschedule our trip and if we do we're uncertain as to which airlines we'd fly based on timing needs).
** Note that my mom and aunt are both now practicing better social distancing, and I know there's a certain level of guilt at their having continued to go on their annual casino holiday trip, but at the time of the above depicted scene, I was basically hyperventilating at the thought of them both getting infected over a fucking penny slot machine. 
*** I also feel grateful and lucky in so so many ways, but right now I just am not in the optimistic mood to talk about the sunshiny shit, friends. Perhaps in another post. 

The Year of the Cat

2020. Not just a new year, but a new decade. Holy cats.

Before I pop into my typical start-of-year lists (such as those done for 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019), I'd like to point out that the title of this post is not actually accurate, but it's more a stylistic choice. 2020 will actually be the Year of the Rat, which is in direct conflict with the Cat. But, when I think about how I want this year to feel, I want to feel like I'm being wrapped in the smooth jam of an Al Stewart song, with the coolness of its Casablanca inspo. (Plus, the Cat is sure-footed and shares the characteristics of the Rabbit, in that it's earnest and determined to move forward towards its goals.) It's all a lot of flim-flam, but it feels like the feel I want for 2020.

If you'd have asked me moving into the last decade the "feel" I'd probably be seeking for the roaring '20s kick-off, I'd have painted a pretty Gatsby picture, heavy in debauchery, and not pointed to a soft rock song from the late '70s... but such is the turn life takes. And as I see stranger after stranger posting their "word of intention" for the new year, that leads me to cozy up with the "Year of the Cat" and my word of choice: CLARITY.

20/20 vision. 20/20 focus. Totally clear. In place of several years of chaos and scramble, 2020 will be the year of coherence, with freedom from ambiguity. Transparency: with my new husband, friends, family, coworkers; with finances, with intentions, with my thoughts. Simplicity in my emotions. Exactness in my actions.

It'll take a bit to settle into this word/goal/thing, but that's the aim. Clarity.

So, here are a few of the aims to that end.

1. Wrap up the wedding. It's time to stop putting off the remaining items just so I can secretly cling to the day a little longer. 2019 was the year of the wedding, 2020 is not. That means it's time to... Sell off any lingering wedding items I can (finally). Get the dress dry-cleaned/preserved. Finish reviewing vendors. Post up all the photos. Also: finish writing up the wedding related posts I started. They're all half done, may as well birth those babies. Time to take a clear step forward into newlywed status.
2. Be a better friend. Make the phone calls. Send the texts. Schedule the time and see the faces. Last year was a very selfish year for me and I emerged feeling like I'd let people down on the friendship front. Time to spread a little kindness and joy. (For family, too!) I want it to be clear that I care, and for people to know they're loved. 
3. Try to help the climate: both physically and politically. I've finally gotten better about bringing my own grocery bags to the store - time to level up. Because when Lewis the koala died, I literally wept. So, I couldn't handle the whole world going up in smoke. Also, it's an election year, and one of the best ways to help this dear planet will be to help elect officials who will pass policies to help and not hinder. I've got donations lined up, am hoping to volunteer at the convention, and overall won't make the same mistake as last time in not doing enough to help. There should be no confusion around how important elections are, and we need a focused effort to elect intelligent officials who will represent the best interests of the people (and the planet).
4. Bujo. Yes, I'm turning from my spreadsheets to a more artsy form of tracker and am dabbling in bullet journaling. Many habits will be tracked. Many doodles will be doodled. Many things will be put to paper with pretty colored pens. Thoughts and tasks are actionable and clear when written out.
5. My bod, my temple. 2019 was a big year for focusing on keeping my outward appearance in tip-top shape for the big day. This year I want to get back on that wagon (which, tipped over and rolled down into the river the past several months), and focus on the inward, too. I tried to calm my inner gossipy-bitch and rage-monster last year, but there's definitely more work to be done on that front. I need to more clearly understand my motives and feelings, and have a comprehensive plan to treat my body better.
6. Dejunk the junk. There is a real possibility we'll be moving out of our east side apartment at some point in the next few years. Time to start purging and streamlining now so I can avoid chaos for future-Gina. Simplify your stuff, and you simplify your life.
7. Days go by. Sometimes I fall into a binge-watching, life-on-the-couch funk (especially in the winter months) and realize my time could have been spent better elsewhere. This year I'd like to put more towards the elsewhere. I need to focus. 
8. Shaking that money maker. The beau* and I have been reviewing finances. I have spent the last several years rather proud of my financial situation, since having paid off my debt in 2018, and am still very proud, but when combining with a man who left college sans debt, I now feel woefully behind. What's his is mine and all that aside, we'll be attacking 2020 together, with combined forces, squaring away a money-gameplan for the big expenses ahead. I also want to be more mindful in general of what I'm putting money towards.** We're both being transparent with what we've got and where we want to go on the cash front, and will consult a professional to have a more exact approach. We want to keep things simple and keep prosperity a'bloomin'.
9. Get back to basics. What things do I enjoy doing? Time to do them. Puzzles. Writing (hey, blog, I think I've missed you). Chit chatting on the phone. Buying the fancy cheese. Playing dress up and going dancing. Reading a magazine about home storage and organization shit that I'll never actually do. Listening to disco. Writing snail mail. Simplicity and happiness. 
10. Work. Life. Balance. Starting another new role meant digging my brain into another new challenge. Those wheels tend to keep spinning outside office hours, and I have to get back to compartmentalizing. And really ought figure out if the career path I'm on is the right one. Introspection and crafting a clear path for myself, and figuring out how I want to spend the next 35 years of my work life. 
11. Charting a course. 2020 will not be short on adventures, with at least three bouts in Europe (and possibly a fourth) currently in the works. Itinerary crafting is one of my favorite hobbies, and since one never knows what the upcoming years might hold, I want to optimize our travels while we're still able to make them. A clear cut plan to make our journeys simple so we can enjoy our time together abroad. 

Precision and definition. Purposeful intent. Clarity. Working on clarity. I'm hoping that early on in this new decade, I'll have gotten to a point where I've calmed the anxiety in my mind and have a grip over what feels like looming chaos, and that this will be a kickoff year in a confident decade of positive change. Whatever happens, I'll sprinkle in as many buzzwords as possible. Because if there is one thing that's as clear as mud and totally lacking any ambiguity, it's a good buzz word! Cheers to the roarin' twenties, and the dawn of a new decade, friends!

Crystal clear. Object in frame. Focused.

* Now that he's a husband, I felt like maybe I should update the beau's blog name to something more appropriate, like mari (French for husband). Because hubby, hubs, etc. area all nicknames that make him sound like a walrus (which he is not, please his tiny-framed heart). And calling him my love or my man both have awkward connotations as well. But I'm still uncertain with the term so for now he'll still be beau. Also, I'm a little bummed that I didn't take advantage of calling him my betrothed more often - missed opportunity there!
** I read a financial bit of advice the other day that weirdly struck me. Ask yourself the question: if a stranger printed out your bank statement for the last month, who would they say you are? ((Insert blown mind chunks here)) Introspection is important.

Hindsight Is: 2019 Edition

On the blog-front, 2019 was a big old flop, for which I'd like to apologize sincerely. To those who plan a wedding and pump out mad content: major props. I did not share that talent and instead let all my planning and prep and wedding time thoughts swirl about in my mind, incoherent and unable to be relayed to y'all. I posted about a quarter my usual rate, and what came out was mostly gibberish. So if you're feeling like you need some solid gold oldies, go relive my better blog years with some of these past recaps for 2016, 2017, and 2018.

On the home-front, it was a year of much anxiety and celebration. A year of feeling whelmed in all shapes and forms. It was a year of supreme selfishness and break taking, and yet one with an outpouring of love and laughs. I've been grateful for all the support from all fronts.

So, here's a quick bop back into the past 365:

Content Consumption: A great distraction from one's own responsibilities is enjoying the work of others. This year saw some major finales in TV (Game of Thrones - farewell to our meat & mead nights!) and film (MCU phase 1, the latest Star Wars trilogy, etc.). I consumed several more books via our I'm-shocked-it's-still-about-books Book Club. Two must-see shows were seen, when my mom and I hit up concerts for both Cher and Elton John (not together - that double act would literally kill the audience with hits). And, after spending years joking about how impossible it was to get tickets, we finally got the tickets and went to see Hamilton.

Celebration of Others: From baby showers to birthings to baptisms. From many a birthday bash to a grad party or two. Supporting loved ones through moves and divorces, celebrating housewarmings and new beginnings. Giving a surprise-can-you-give-a-speech-in-an-hour speech for my mom's well-earned retirement. Witnessing not one but TWO book launches, as I saw the people who said they were going to write their novel actual write and publish their novels (go buy them here and here - to support your own collection of good-books and those dream-doers). And of course, a big celebration of love for the weddings of various friends this year (including a trip literally to the other side of the planet to witness one of my very dearest friends marry the love of her life).

Celebration of Life: Wing nights / hot sauce challenges. Another full-house Passover Seder. A Halloween party in which we actually had a couples costume-ish. Many a family brunch. Much happy houring with old coworkers and very old friends. A growing Friendsgivinukkah bunch. And many more. As much as I spent the year hiding from people, with my head down wedding planning, we still squeezed in a lot of small moments of joy with some of our nearest and dearest - and it was so very nice.

Celebration of Us: I'm not even going to pretend it wasn't a big year for Andy and I as a dynamic duo. The year was an evolution of us as a couple as we planned one of the biggest parties we'll ever throw. I spent many months as a ball of anxiety and he was a steadfast rock, as always. I tried to keep our health and happiness top of mind and work through all we could in advance to make our big day spectacular. Along the way, leading up to the wedding itself, we celebrated our fifth anniversary, were showered with love for various events, and both survived our bachelor(ette) outings. Having so much love pour in to celebrate our love made for such a fun filled year, and one big day that I'll never forget. We're officially an us now forever!

Some Travels: Work trips to NYC, Chicago and Minnesota kept me moving in a year in which my job title changed yet again. And while we said we would take the year off travelling to save/prep for our own wedding, we found ourselves taking a big adventure to Thailand to be a part of another beautiful wedding. It was the first time either of us had been to Asia and was literally the farthest from home I've ever been (#SamwiseGamgee) - and I think I'm still processing just how fascinating it was. We also traveled a bit more locally, as we took a brief mini-moon in the days after the wedding and later spent several days down in Chicago while my love ran his second marathon.

Etc: I did a full dive into my closet, which will now have to be redone since I'm back to my tiny bob hair, post-wedding! Reported for jury duty for the first time in my life (and spent a glorious day relaxing in a waiting room). Spent many months wedding planning and feverishly hunting for bargains. Dug deep into our finances as we set our sights on combining. Spent a good deal of time being a recluse. Got caught in my own head and lost for days at a time. Rediscovered my candy addiction but also chipped away at some weight loss leading up to our big day (don't worry, I found it again since lol).

This year, I focused really hard on trying to lay low and keep stress levels minimal, and yet somehow we were rather busy anyways. It seems a strange year to look back on since it was filled with such very high highs and yet also some extreme lulls. It felt very much like a turning point year, and I'm leaving it feeling exhausted and excited. Cheers to the turn of a new decade: the '010s held my 20s, and so the '20s shall hold my 30s, with a new name, and the next chapter in this book that now holds two lead characters instead of just my one. Wishing everyone a brilliant start to the year ahead.

What to do when you get engaged... BESIDES wedding planning

You've got the ring, the witty announcement is smeared all over social media, and you're officially a card-carrying fiancé. Time to immediately plan the wedding, right? WELL, yes, a few things you do need to nail down and discuss right away in relation to planning, but in general, I'd argue that there are a few other things you need to start on right away that are equally as important as the in-the-weeds planning bits. Because remember, you're dealing with a finite amount of time before the big day!

Note : there are certain things I had every intention of doing right away, that I've put on this list, that I definitely flopped and flayed at. So, you know, hindsight is 20/20 and just know yourself and your own discipline. Also, for those busy couples: I've added a "TL;DR" to each point.

1. Discuss and decide on wedding basics
• Where and what size? In your city of residence? A hometown? Elsewhere? Big, small, or destination? Church vs courthouse? Country vs city? Before you go into the next bullet, have a general idea on whereabouts / scale.
• But really... what size? Each of you make a list, separately, of all the people who are a MUST for attendance at your wedding (you can denote some "maybes," as well, if you're struggling). Then compare lists. Anyone who is on both lists is an automatic yes, anyone who isn't goes straight to the maybe list. Now see what that number is and go back to the first bullet and see if it's reasonable. If your list is 300 people and you wanted to get married in a tiny lighthouse on the coast, well, you need to reconsider. 
• Time of year? Think about what you want and what goes best with what you were thinking for location. We live in Wisconsin, so, winter snow would have been a logistics nightmare. If you want a destination wedding to a tropical island, make sure it's not hurricane season. If you're a teacher and don't want to take vacation time for a honeymoon right after, then aim for summer. (Also, if you really want to take that honeymoon immediately after, make sure it's a good season for your desired destination, too.)
• Why does the above matter right away? Because it will give you a good idea of how long you've got to plan (if it's fall and you want it the upcoming spring, get a move on!) AND how much your wedding might be on the cost spectrum, plus how long you'll have to save money, which leads into item two.
• TL;DR: deciding generally the "who, when, where" will tip off every other discussion point for planning.


Talk money


• If you haven't discussed finances with your partner before getting engaged...erm... maybe have a very in-depth and serious talk about it before you even announce your engagement to everyone? Because money can really expose some awful or wonderful things, and they can both have a huge impact on your relationship.
• Look at your finances right this minute* and think how much you're both willing to pay towards a wedding. Do you have other major financial goals so want to keep it small? Is this the thing you've been saving for all these years anyways, so go big or go home? Based on ONLY the money you two have, decide what kind of wedding you want to afford. (And decide immediately if you're willing to take on any additional debt to make your vision come true.) Be on the same page before talking to anyone else about wedding finances. 
• Then have the awkward convo with family if you're hoping to have any additional funding from parents, etc. Be frank with them and get a solid commitment on an amount/percent/contributing element/whatever. If anyone sounds wishy-washy, don't count their money toward your budget. If it happens to come in then, great, but you won't have been relying on it to cover basics.**
• Now reassess that vision, and adjust based on financials, if needed. As a couple, know where you want your money to be going and get a plan. Once you go to start looking into venue options, food, etc, you'll quickly figure out how realistic )or unrealistic) vision vs price tags are. Before you put money down on ANYTHING, be sure you've got the big picture cost in mind compared to your budget.
• Money tip during planning: each partner should define what their number one most important element of the day is (the perfect dress? an open bar? a great photographer?) and those are the only two things that you're allowed to stress and splurge on. Everything else, save as much as you can on because those elements just aren't as important. 


Decide how to pay for everything


• Do you want to open a joint checking account and each dump x amount into it and only pay with a debit card? Or, get a joint credit card with a really good rewards system (hello, cash back and airline miles!)? Or, have each of you split spending from your own accounts? Pick what works best for you as a couple and stick to it.
• A budget spreadsheet is king. Track every little wedding related thing you spend on, and don't forget to add the "I saw these diamond ring paper clips and I thought they'd be cute for vendor tips" type shit too - because it all adds up! It's the only way to get a true scope of what you're putting towards this event. And if you have a tight budget to stick to, you can't afford (literally) to not see where funds are going.
• TL;DR: know where your money is going and be on the same page about how it gets there.


Get a communication plan


• Make a joint email account for all wedding related / vendor communication
• Gather up your spreadsheets (former brides and online resources, FTW!)
• Plan out with your partner how to tackle to-dos. I wish we'd have approached this in a more organized way - I had a lot of checklists, don't get me wrong, but I could've done better about communicating expectations for what the beau should be working on (and WHEN it needed to be done by).
• Decide how often you want to "talk wedding" -- right up front it will be a LOT of wedding stuff, as you lock in the big vendors and make those first major decisions. But after that, it doesn't need to be everyday, or you'll both go crazy. I drove the beau nuts at various points, because I was constantly being bombarded, so it was always on my mind, and it's not good. Especially if you have a longer engagement - space it out.
• Figure out how to communicate vision out to vendors/bridal party, too. A streamlined Pinterest board with a few key focal points, a day-of timeline in a Google Sheet, etc.
• TL;DR: Decide how to track shit and stick to it!


Hydrate and Sleep!


• Proper hydration improves mood, can help prevent overheating, keeps your brain working properly, makes your skin healthier, and just does all the good things. Focus on it throughout the engagement (and life!).
• Proper sleep has sooo many benefits, I can't even begin to list. Most importantly: it will help keep you in a better mood during what will be a stressful period in your life of major changes and major planning. 
• TL;DR: If you're not already on track, hydrating properly and getting enough sleep should become your number one "treat yo'self" objectives!


Get ready to run the full gamut of emotions


• Be prepared for an outpouring of love... and a lot of disappointment.
• It will amaze and fill you with so much joy when you see how many people are excited for your new adventure. Even people who aren't invited will show such kindness and genuine happiness and it will make your heart want to explode. 
• You will also get to experience a horrible, nostalgic sadness when you realize which people you envisioned being a part of your celebration years ago, who you're no longer close with. 
• There will be people who you imagined on the dance floor, or sharing a toast with, but who won't be able to attend due to family situations, financial limitations, physical distance, etc. And you'll have to accept that it's just one day, and not everyone will chose to be there for it, even if you invite them.
• You'll feel frustration with vendors, or family. And you'll feel elated when you see things start to come together. 
• Get ready to cry from joy, from stress, from those lingering thoughts of your grandma not being there as you walk down the aisle, from the look on your mom's face when she sees your dress for the first time, from the letters you wrote to ask your best gals to be bridesmaids, and everything in between. My face has been flowing like Niagara Falls these past ten months!
• You may also turn into a cold, hard bitch at times. And you know what, it's your right to be adamant about how you want things done. If you're like me, you'll find ample apologies. 
• TL;DR: Be ready to own up to all those emotions and just ride that wave, baby! And as always : check yourself.


Exercise, now, don't wait


• Endorphins. They make you happy. You need that for the stress.
• If you have some specific fitness level in mind for you to feel like your best self on the day of your nuptials, then start working immediately. Time is only on your side for a bit, until it's not. (Remind your mama of this, as well, if she needs to hear it, so she's not frustrated when trying on dresses later.)
• Even if you don't have a specific goal, it's nice to be as healthy and fit as possible when officially kicking off your 'new life together,' right? So, get in more steps, or do a ten minute workout video three times a week, or something. 
• Be realistic. Know yourself and how much time/energy you're willing to commit. If your body wears stress heavily, don't push yourself to a breakdown. Instead, commit to something small and keep consistent. And if you want to really hit it (bless your heart), then make sure you're carving out that time for yourself in among the rest, and prioritize your goal!
• Dress tip: pick one that you'll be comfortable in based on the body you have, not the body you dream of getting (unless you've got mad willpower, then good for you!). Make sure you'll be comfortable - so if there's a part of your bod you feel self-conscious about, don't pick a dress that accents it! Confidence is the most beautiful thing a woman can wear! 
• TL;DR: make smart fitness goals and chip away over time.


Plot out long-term beauty plan items


• Want flowing long hair? Start growing it out and taking vitamins now! Or look into extensions (factor in your budget) if you know you won't have time. And get that fancy shampoo to keep your luscious locks in primo condition.
• Want teeth whitening or straightening? Straightening takes time, so get to your dentist! Whitening you can just go with toothpaste or ramp it up with strips or at the dentist office. Decide how you want to approach it.
• Start a moisturizing routine: keep that skin looking nice! Get special under-eye cream if you want to attack that area.
• Have scars that you don't want showing? Get on that Mederma! It takes weeks to be fully effective but really works awesome!
• SUNSCREEN! No one wants awkward tan lines. Make sure you're taking care of your skin and being cautious of sun exposure. 
• Get on a vitamin regime and/or make sure you're adjusting what you're eating to get you to a good place physically. Tip top shape, y'all!
• Weekly facemasks, hair masks, the occasional foot soak, taking care of your nails, limiting your alcohol consumption, going vegetarian a few days a week: whatever ongoing goodies you need to feel your best, get the cycle going!
• TL;DR: if you've been treating your bod like crap, it's a big ship to turn so start turning it now! Stay healthy to keep happy!

Sunburn? Not today, Satan!




Focus on your fucking posture (she said, angry at herself)


• No one wants to be slouchy in all their photos. And posture takes a long time and a lot of work to correct, so get started! 
• There are tons of videos online about posture stretches. Make sure your desk is set up properly (and get up out of your chair at work as often as you can!). Focus on standing/sitting up straighter in general. Be cautious of your Netflix-binge posture. 
• Warning: I started with this one really aggressively and ended up straining my chest muscles to the point that I thought I was having a heart attack (that's a story for another day). So, ease into it, just like other forms of working out! Muscles need time to adapt.
• TL;DR: don't be a bridal Quasimodo!


Protect your time


• I am allllll about saying yes to things. A full calendar is a happy calendar, in my mind. But, during your engagement, don't overbook yourself. Especially if you're doing all the planning by yourself, you're going to be busy and stressed, and sometimes you're just going to want to lay on the couch and stare at a wall and not talk to anyone. Let yourself. Schedule time for planning, schedule time for relaxing : make them priorities. Keep yourself running at a sustainable pace.
• That also means protecting time with your partner. You two are in this together, so spend time together. Keep nurturing that relationship and remember that it's the reason for all the stress, so protect it above all else. 
• TL;DR: clear up that calendar and relax.


Get your DIY gameface on
• If you plan to DIY, start mentally preparing. Figure out who your crafty friends are so you can borrow stuff (or time) from them. Sign up for every email newsletter you can from craft stores and get ready to roll in those coupons! 
Smile and feel that joy


• If you're lucky, you only get married once. So, before the planning frenzy, and throughout, take some time just to be excited. Take a second to think about having found your person and let that shit-eating-grin sit on your face a bit longer than necessary.

Yes, there will come a point were wedding planning is the big thing you dive in on. But getting started with the things above, and keeping consistent with some of them throughout, can help keep you grounded. And can make sure you don't go "aw shit, I wish I'd have started this sooner!" Remember: engagement is finite. It's a very small window of time during one's life. So, keeping grounded is key.

Anything I missed in my list that you wish you'd have done right away after getting engaged??

* DON'T look at your money in terms of what amount you could save up to the point of the wedding, because you can't guarantee that income will keep coming in or some other major crisis won't come up. Extra saving you do is great, but should be for extras / recouping back funds after the fact, NOT what you consider for your base pay towards the big day. Also, this should NOT include any sort of emergency fund money. That should stay for emergencies.
** Also remember: they who bankroll the wedding, often give strong input on the wedding. If you don't want someone else controlling your planning, then just remember you open up those floodgates if they're helping cover cost.

You've Seen One, You've Seen 'em All

Everyone talks about the joys and stresses of wedding planning and being engaged. But really, more than anything, it's a damn good excuse to watch a ton of shitty romantic comedies. Because you're a bride-to-be, damnit! So if not now, when??

Between bits of planning (and mostly while the beau is doing his marathon training and I get the couch/TV to myself), I've been consuming a boatload of wedding related movies. Here is the list so far....

• The Romantics : One of my fave awful guilty pleasure movies. A total yuppie mess. I watch it mostly for the first twenty minutes, because watching old friends come together for a wedding just makes my heart explode, because it's awkward and perfect and awful and wonderful all at once. 
• Table 19 : A wedding movie focused entirely on the reception. Thought I was getting into a slapstick comedy based on the trailer, but instead waded into a really dark character dramedy that was honestly so depressing. Every little twist just made it more sad. The reception band did play some great jams though, and it did make me really reevaluate our guest list, so, there's that... 
• Bride Wars : Watched this on the plane ride back from Europe, just after we got engaged. Because weddings make people a little crazy sometimes. And I'm grateful not to have had a hope chest full of wedding dreams to try and make a reality, or I'd have lost my mind.
• My Best Friend's Wedding : Y'all already know how much I love this and how I sob every time they're on the boat. And how the not-so-happy ending was actually the one that made sense so, kudos. 
• The Wedding Date: Dermot Mulroney belongs in every wedding related movie. Also, sister relationships are complicated.
• Mamma Mia: It's the mother-daughter moments in this one that really frickin' get me. And, ABBA is just the best. Yes, the singing is awful, but this movie is still awfully fun. 
• 27 Dresses: I'd marry James Marsden's eyes and chiseled check bones in an instance. Also, I still don't know the words to Benny and the Jets.
• The Big Wedding: WHAT is this movie? Crazy good cast but I don't remember hearing a thing about it. It was... a really different approach, I guess? 
• Monster-in-Law: Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda. Comedy Gold. That is all.
• The Wedding Planner: Give me more J. Lo. rom-coms and I can die a happy woman.
• Crazy Rich Asians: BRB have to go completely replan our entire wedding to include some more vastly expensive but really cool shit.
• The Week Of: Adam Sandler fails again? It's just bad. Just...don't bother. Very tiny gems in this one, but not worth the time.
• My Big Fat Greek Wedding: 2002 was a simpler time. The women in this movie are a riot. 
• The Wedding Singer: It's true, first class passengers get away with murder. For the record, I also own volume one AND two soundtracks for this film on CD. 
• Made of Honor: Patrick. Patrick Dempsey. 
• Wedding Crashers: An entire generation of bros learned all their "best" lines from this one. 
• Father of the Bride (1950): Spencer Tracy and Elizabeth Taylor, brilliant. Hearing the prices they list off for wedding expenses is delightfully depressing and wonderful. Watched this movie with Korean subtitles on our flight to Thailand and at the end when she had to call her dad, and he hadn't gotten to even see her or enjoy anything, but she made a point to call him... teaaaars. Family is important.
• All those bachelorette type movies : Rough Night, Bridesmaids, Bachelorette, etc. They all have a similar feel. Female friendships are complex.  

So, what have I missed? We're almost at the turning point here, the final month countdown, so I don't have much time to watch more. But let me know which ones I should squeeze in before the big "I do!" 

Even in Korean, Elizabeth Taylor is stunning

Antici---pation!

Sitting here, surrounded by not-yet-crafted centerpieces, piles of invitations and stamps, a random mountain of tulle (don't ask), and all my other half-formed wedding schemes*... I can't help but feel a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. A sense of worry and dread that I just can't shake. Awaiting some other shoe to drop.

This feeling? It's unjustified. I'm literally thrilled about our upcoming nuptials. And nothing has gone (too) awry during the planning process so far (only a few minor hiccups). Things are chugging along, perfectly to plan, as we've slide quietly into the double-digits for our countdown. So really, what's to worry about?

Expectations. That's what.

Luckily, I was not the kind of gal who grew up with a hope chest stuffed with trinkets and collages of my dream wedding. So, any expectations I have of what our "big day" will look like have been formed only in the past eight months. They've formed very rapidly, based on things like: excessive online searching, boatloads of (mostly unsolicited) advice, years of attending weddings, anything I've seen that looked pretty, and... based on what I think is expected of us.

Most brides, in retrospective, will tell you not to gear your wedding towards the whims of others. "It's YOUR day," they preach, after the fact. And yet, we all know full well it's happening during the planning process, whether consciously or not. We picked our venue based on accessibility and proximity to hotels for our large number of out of town guests. We're doing it all at one location for convenience. We sent out paper invitations (sorry, environment/wallet) because we have plenty of guests who aren't entirely technologically savvy (though I did stick to my guns on the online RSVPs - we'll see how that plays out!). Throughout, we've made tiny adjustments to help check certain boxes, and most of them I haven't minded one bit.

The expectation that's getting to me isn't that our venue or food or centerpieces will somehow disappoint our guests (though that thought is hiding in the dark recesses of my mind and will probably cause a sleepless night in a month or so here). It's not that I think we'll upset someone by having the damn Cupid Shuffle on our "Do Not Play" list (it is - get over it). Honestly, the guest expectations vs reality are just something I know I can't control, so I've settled for trying to just throw a damn fun party and hope everyone has a good time.

What's getting to me is the expectations I'm putting on myself.

• I'm trying to do as much of the planning and logistics as I can by myself. Plenty of people have offered to help, but I usually casually thank away assistance. Maybe it's just that I like having control and I'm constantly worrying that someone else will do something wrong and I'll have to be upset at them (and I don't want to be that ungrateful person). Would everyone do just fine and would their help be great? Yes. But not two days ago I was pestering the beau about how he was licking envelopes incorrectly, so clearly I've got it stuck in my head that if I'm not doing it, it's not getting done. And that's what a bride does. What she is supposed to do. Plan. Go over every detail. Do nothing but wedding things for the entire engagement. Think nothing but wedding thoughts. I'm trying to fill that role, and be that expectation of a bride.
• The dress is stressing me out. I feel like I somehow didn't do it right by not having some epiphany moment like "There it is, THE dress!" The skies didn't open up, my life didn't change, it was just a pretty dress for a good price and I liked it so I got it. I didn't spend weeks of my life pillaging around various stores, I didn't pour my soul into the quest for the dress. I casually went to check out a place with my mom, when I hadn't even started looking yet, tried on a handful of dresses and said, "Okay, cool, this'll do." And now I'm in the alteration process in a panic: what if it doesn't give me that oh-ah bride feeling after I've paid for alterations? (And does it have to? Can't I just feel pretty and not like it's the most gorgeous I'll ever be? Am I a hideous beast monster in any other outfit?) What if everyone looks at me in it and gives that silent judgement, thinking I could've chosen better? What if I don't get my posture in order fast enough and look like a hunchback in all the photos? And most importantly, what if I did chose wrong and the dress fails in a big way and I can't frickin' dance in it?? I'm trying to look the part.
• This is all building up to what a lot of people call "the best day" of their lives. I'd really like to think that there will be many more best days ahead of me, but if this really is it, if this day is the pinnacle, well then I want it to be fan-frickin-tastic! But with all that hype, what comes after? Shouldn't the marriage (albeit less expensive) feel just as shiny and exciting as the wedding?? Can't it just be a really fun day, where I get to publicly hitch my wagon to his, to kick off a even more fun lifetime together? I'm trying not to put too much pressure on one day.
• I should be able to mitigate every little drama, minimize uncertainty and stress for the guests, and ensure everything is super smooth for all those involved. There should be no detail I haven't thought of, no scenario I haven't prepared a solution for, no risks for failure. Only good memories should remain for anyone near this process, any stressors I can just take on. I'm trying to be the perfect hostess.
• I want to make sure everyone feels valued and like their thoughts and opinions are heard. I worry that I counter suggestions too quickly and people will instantly think I'm a bridezilla. I try not to have strong opinions for the same reason. I use phrases like, "We haven't decided yet" or "Honey, let's talk through that more later" to avoid disagreements. When people ask how the planning is going, I give a polite smile and say a quip like "I have a lot of opinions on table clothes now!" or "It's moving right along, big day is almost here!" even if I'm in full on crisis mode.  I'm trying not to get labelled anything other than "happy bride-to-be."
• I've been avoiding many of the people who we aren't inviting. I don't want to have them ask about the wedding and to feel bad - because I genuinely would love to have each and every person who has every played a role in making me the person I am today be there; every individual who has built us up as a couple; everyone who makes us smile. But we can't, and it literally breaks my heart to think that I won't see every single one of those faces on my wedding day. So even though they care and mean well and just want to see how planning is going and how my life is, I feel so bad that I don't even want them to ask. I don't want them to feel like a lack of invite minimizes our relationship and that I don't care or they somehow didn't merit. I'm trying not to let anyone down.
• With my real job, all the chaos of life, and doing all the wedding things : my time is limited. I've been visibly lacking in social settings and unavailable at times. I've not stayed in touch as well as normal and have been struggling to keep the calendar balanced and my sanity in check. More than ever, I've also been attempting to carve out "me time" because I know stress needs to be mitigated, and I'm getting increasingly angry when I don't get time for it because of too many questions or to-do's coming my way. I'm trying to find balance.

And yes, I know most of this is just in my head, but just like Dumbledore said, that doesn't make it any less real. I'm trying daily to temper my own personal expectations and get to a point where I can just fully embrace the chaos and let myself be swept up in the stream, realizing it's a fun ride and that sometimes the rides that are the most fun are the ones where you don't have a firm hand on the wheel. Just working to set my sights on having a beautiful day full of love, where we throw a moderately sized party, in which I publicly sign on for life with the fella I planned to pester forever anyways (don't tell him, I want him to think he had to work for it) and get to dance and drink with some of our favorite people. I absolutely love weddings, so I need to start loving this gal who is planning my own a bit more, and quit giving her such a hard time.

I got 99 problems, and the bride's number one!

* Or at least, that was my situation when I started writing this post....several months ago. Funny how it's somehow still my situation, it just takes me ten times longer to accomplish things than normal because I'm constantly having to shift my focus. That's life though? #bridelife?

Finale is Coming

With the final season of Game of Thrones nearly upon us, a rewatch was certainly in order. I decided to start it up several months back, figuring if I watched a season a month, I'd land perfectly at the premiere of the final episodes. And then I shot that plan in the face and binge watched those 67 episodes in about a month (winter in Wisconsin, amiright?).

As with any rewatch, there is clarity in that concise viewing of beloved television. With GoT, every episode I watch again, I learn more names, and connect more dots. Horse/dragon lady and cripple kid become Dany and Bran - nicknames, but nicer ones. Like we're old friends, because we've gone through so much together - which we HAVE.

After losing three days of my life, I came away with some very strong overarching feelings, thoughts, and favorites, in no particular order. Spoilers ahead. And... if these are spoilers for you, GO WATCH! You still have time!

• Every single time someone said goodbye to someone else, all I could think was "And they never saw each other again!" Or, in some cases, they don't see each other for several seasons. It's crazy. Just, assume every goodbye in Westeros will be your last. 
• Brienne and Tormund: the 'ship that launched a thousand memes. They aren't the couple Westeros needs, but they're the couple Westeros deserves. (Granted, things generally don't end well for everyone Brienne loyalty-clings to, so, we'll see.)
• WEAVE, Rickon. For Christ's sake, WEAVE!
• The evolution of Jaime Lannister's hair deserves some serious study. When he and Cersei are mackin' on each other with matching long / short hair, the world is in balance. A freaky, incestuous balance. 
• I will put up posters of Lyanna Mormont in my future daughter's bedroom. As she is the badass little role model all little girls should look up to.
• Rob should've never banged that foreign girl. It would've saved so much trouble. (Also, they're floor-of-the-tent-keep-your-boots-on bang is still awkward to me.)
• "And now his watch is ended...." BAHHH, TEARS! There are a lot of deaths to pick from in this show, but man, Maester Aemon's always hits me right in the gut. Blood of the dragon, man. A frickin' unsung hero on the wall. 
• Cersei during the Battle of Blackwater is still some of my absolute favorite bits of the entire series. Her drunken "hey, HEY, little dove!" harassment of Sansa during that entire sequence is perfection. 
• Every time that horn blows for a third time, I just think about how screwed everyone is. White Walkers don't mess around. 
• Remember that time Little Finger little-fingered Ned and was all "Ha, bro, told you not to trust me"? Yeah. That as a defining moment. The gold standard of "literally the nicer you are the more likely you are to get screwed over."
• Jon Snow really is a champion brooder. Nobody broods it better. (Insert Jon Snow montage with Carly Simon playing here - once someone on YouTube makes one lol)
• Joffrey and Ramsay are both just bastards. Literally and figuratively. Ramsay is worse, in terms of being just a bad guy, but he's also older so he's had more years of practice (and has been relatively unchecked so it just festered quicker). But, Cersei is really maybe worse than them both, when you think about sheer scale: her wildfire-happy ways really show she few shits she gives about human life. And now that she really has no family to soften her cold heart, she's just down that slippery monster slope. (And yes, I think the pregnancy is a fake-out.)
• The direwolves really don't get enough play. Damn dragons take up the whole CGI budget!
• Princess Shireen!!!!! #neverforgive #neverforget
• Prince Oberyn Martell, my little Dornish muffin,* why did you have to prioritize your revenge taunt over your beautiful face? Things would've played out so differently if you hadn't died and Tyrion had "won" that trial by combat. Papa Lannister would be alive. Tyrion wouldn't have teamed up with Jorah (who then wouldn't have gotten greyscale) and would never become Dany's adviser. I mean, so many things were in that ripple effect from that perfectly handsome man's skull getting smashed. 
• Margaery, even with her tits out the whole show, at least did have a plan that she was relentless about. Good for her. I appreciated her tactfulness throughout. 
• Special shout-out to those characters who you thought were going to be major players, but ended up dying off weirdly fast. Looking at you Ned. And you, Renly. And, Khal Drogo, I barely knew you! (And Rob/Cat, for that matter.) But also later intros like Karsi in Hardhome. I was looking forward to having another badass ladyboss to root for and then ten minutes later, wham, bam, thank you ma'am, she's a damn wight. The second you like any character, just reckon they're about to die. 
• Lady Olenna Tyrell is who I hope to grow up to be. The Betty White of Westeros. 
• Can we lock Tyrion and Cersei in a room with a shit ton of wine and weapons and see how it plays out? Can that be episode one of the new season? Please?
• Oh Tommen. Bless your sweet little heart.... That is all. 
• Arya always being just a little too late, it just breaks me. Too late to see her family before they die. Too late to be reunited by her aunt (before she dies). Just, set your clocks early Arya, because girl, you're always late.
• Robert Baratheon and Ned - oh, the shenanigans! Those two had such a precious, dodgy friendship. 
• Every time people first see the dragons, it's awesome. Excited for more of that.
• Baelish and Jorah are both equally creepy when it comes to the women they obsess over. Sometimes it almost seems endearing, until you realize it's absolutely not. (Though at least Jorah is a decent human - sometimes - decent in that he owns up to being not decent.) 
• Every time a Stark reunites, an angel gets its wings. (That angel is probably another Stark...ooooh too soon?) AND Bran's total indifference and awkwardness after he has become the three-eyed raven and is reuniting with everyone is honestly just kind of hilarious. Watching all that again, I definitely let out the kind of strangled ridiculous laugh Arya busts out in the Vale when she here's her aunt is dead. (But seriously, the PTSD that family has is unreal.)
• Westeros, it's west. Essos, it's east. I feel really dumb for never thinking that one through. Also, can White Walkers and the army of the dead swim?? Based on comments exchanged with Euron, nope. So, why doesn't everyone just go to Essos? Start the evacuation now and go resettle and just let the zombies have Westeros. 

Story lines and people I realized I give almost zero fucks about:

• Theon. Just... Theon. He's such a POS in the beginning that by the time he's being tortured, I genuinely could've cared less. The only good thing to come out of the Iron Islands in the entire series was Yara's "yas queen" moments with Dany. Well, and maybe that Imagine Dragons song about Euron... pretty sure that was written about Euron. (Pirate rock forever, man.) Okay, and I suppose the one scene where Theon and Sansa decide to just do a suicide-pact and jump off the walls of Winterfell - that's the one good Theon scene, and it's when you think he's finally ending your misery of watching him.
• I fast forwarded all the "Girl is No One" junk. A girl is frickin' Arya Stark and all the rest is just noise. 
• The flaming sword guy and most of the stuff with the Hound (when he's not with Arya) - of course they ended up being fairly important characters later but, meh. And honestly, I'd be fine if the Cleganebowl thing never goes down. 
• Sand Snakes. Everything with the Sand Snakes. 
• I'm all about the Sam and Jon buddy bromance, but after Sam leaves the wall to go study, with Gilly in tow, I do semi lose interest. 
• Meereen. We all know that "see how ruling is boring" was an important point to make, but, ugh. 
• The Sparrows thing. Totally legit that something like that could end up happening (religious zealots always creep up eventually), and the walk of shame and explosion of the Sept were iconic, but overall I was mostly annoyed by those pesky Sparrows.
• Missandei and Grey Worm. Yep, no interest. 

While the new and final season looms, I have no predictions or hopes. I'd maybe venture to guess everyone dies and the White Walkers just win. And I'd maybe like to see Bran warg into a dragon at some point before this wraps up. But really, who knows how the chips will fall? All I know is that I look forward to seeing it go down, and that this sweet summer child is saddened by the fact that winter is finally coming and with it, no more episodes. Though, I suppose, as they say, what is dead may never die - live long you bitching awesome episodes of expensive television. May we all enjoy you on repeat for years to come. 

Will miss our weekly Meat & Meade nights

* Coined by ComicBookGirl19 - she was SPOT ON with that label!