30, Unmarried

No matter the age, people will always be pelted with "What's Next?" questions. As a species, we're obsessed with the future more than the present. People seem especially concerned when it comes to females pushing 30.

Maybe it's some archaic worry about women being the "weaker sex" and not being able to make it on their own. Or it's a genuine concern about needing breeders to carry on the genetic code. Or people just get nervous about independent women in general. Whatever it is, at around age 18 the questions begin... "When are you going to find a nice man and settle down?"*
(Disclaimer: I realize that men also get pestered. But it's usually much later, and without an air of concern. Unmarried men are just "bachelors" and it usually has more of a playboy connotation, instead of a reference to cat hoarding problem.)

Going through the twenties, these questions get more persistent. More urgent. As if the longer one goes without a spouse and/or baby, the more dangerous they are; like an unmarried woman is a ticking time bomb (IT'S PROBABLY YOUR BIOLOGICAL CLOCK - don't get me started). Eventually, your either single or paired up but unmarried. You get bucketed into the "spinster" category (because one is destined to be alone forever if they've not found the "right one" by age 30??) or get pegged as "being afraid of commitment" or "unable to lock it down." And that's when my soapbox gets pulled out.

Happily, almost four years ago now, I snagged a beau. Due to the longevity of our relationship and our general happiness, I've spent the last four years being plopped into the second aforementioned bucket. The concern over my blingless finger and empty womb from all manner of friend, family, and stranger, is alarming at best. The questions have increased exponentially over the years, to the point where I'm being asked almost daily about my marital status (or lack thereof).

Please, tell me more about your opinions on my love life.

So, since the questions are so frequent, I figured it was overdue to lay out some answers to that number one question I get asked: Why aren't you married yet?
(Disclaimer: approaching this as a heterosexual cis female, but that's not to say the lovely lesbian ladies and my trans sisters don't get the same type of shitty comments! Cheers, gals, we're all in this annoying boat together! In fact, y'all probably have it worse because you also have to elaborate on your identity as well. Double the fun.)

1. Did I miss a memo? Is there some sort of time limit I wasn't aware of? What is this, The Lobster? The "yet" always seems to indicate that I've somehow missed the boat off of bachelorette island. Or that I've done something wrong in not following a specific schedule. Eff that noise. As a couple, we're a "we," not a "you," and we'll make our own damn timeline, thankyaverymuch.
2. Because marriage isn't just a box to check. I'm not going to just get married because of some old-fashioned notion of success. Five years ago, I proudly vehement that marriage just wasn't in the cards. Now, sure, it's on the radar, but sorry, it's still not on my 'bucket list.' Marriage isn't required for happiness, in my book.
3. I hadn't found a man worth marrying. No offense to some of the nicer fellas I dated over the years. You were all lovely for various reasons, but we weren't right for each other. Among the nice guys and straight up dudders, I hadn't found one who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Because I intend to live to a ripe old age, and most of you I'd have torn apart eventually, or you'd have driven me crazy. 
4. Forever is a long fucking time. Yeah, wedlock has always kind of terrified me. You're making a "lifelong commitment" to another human. A human of your choosing, too, so if you end up miserable it's kind of your own fault. That's a lot of pressure. Why would anyone want to rush that kind of decision? (Not to mention that planning a wedding in itself is an emotional and financial stressor.)
5. It wasn't a priority. Education, adventure, career, social life: those topped my priority list over the past decade. I was more focused on those than on getting my M-R-S. If Mr. Right showed up in the process of all that, it was an added bonus, but I wasn't out searching for him. Not all women are on some holy grail quest for marriage and babies (noble, as it is).
6. Get your shit together. I'm a big proponent of "love yourself or else how can you love someone else." And to be honest, I had quite a few bumpy years of anxiety and self-esteem issues that needed to be worked through before I could go open-armed to the world of men and say "Come at me, boys!" in any serious context. That also meant getting a grip on being an adult. If you don't act like a grown-ass-woman, how are you supposed to nail down a grown-ass-man? That meant tackling my debt, being self-sufficient, and making sure I could support myself overall before inviting in someone else. (Also, I couldn't even keep a plant alive, so how did that bode well for motherhood??)
7. It takes time. As a skittish, fiercely independent lady, I need to poke holes and figure out flaws. If I find red flags, I'm calling it. Life is short and I'm not going to waste effort dinking around. Finding a man, exposing his faults / deal-breakers, rejecting said man, and starting the cycle all over again - it just takes time.** 
8. Divorce sucks. I'm not about to jump into a commitment that isn't "easy" to get out of (see "skittish, fiercely independent" reference above). Divorce is messy and miserable and expensive. As a child of divorce, who has also witnessed several friends already go through the process, that's not really a path I feel like going down... ever. So again, not rushing down the aisle without putting in a lot of thought first. I'm all about building a good base (for drinking, relations, etc.).
9. Definition and gender role overload. Can't a gal just define herself for a bit? Does she have to be defined by her relationship to a man? Whoever I marry, they'll be the kind of man who accepts that I won't be defined only as "wife" or "mother." I can't be reduced to one or two elements. My twenties were all about establishing my actual identity, so it doesn't immediately get overwritten by a new title. That's how women lose themselves and wake up 18 years later, with a kid starting college, suddenly not knowing who they are as a person. And that is scary as hell. 

In a few short months, I'll officially have the ominous status of "30, Unmarried" - and I won't feel even the slightest bit bad about it. I'm entirely happy with the decisions I've made (good and bad) about my relationships with others and with myself. It hasn't always been rosy, there have been a few really low lows, but it always buoys back up again.

Maybe you're at the point like me, where marriage finally doesn't seem too horrifying, because you've got someone swell by your side. Or maybe you're reading the list above while sitting pants-less in your apartment, drinking a glass of wine, and thinking, "Preach, sister!" and a wedding just isn't on your to-do list. Or maybe you're somewhere else entirely. No matter what your relationship status, just remember that you get to define who you are, not someone else. So, kudos to all the happily married and engaged couples out there. Shout out to the singletons who are crushin' it at life just the same. And to those unmarried lovebirds, like me, you keep fucking chirping. Tweet tweet, mother fuckers. We're going to make it after all.

Can you?

* There are obviously several things wrong with this question. A) Nice man? Let's not discard the ladies as an option. B) Who says that just because one couples up, one has to settle down? C) WTFuck does settle down even mean? And why does one need a mate to do so? D) When I'm good and ready? Never? Are those optional answers? ... I have several questions about this question. 
** For those wondering about the beau... I've spent four years grilling this poor man, and trying to figure out what will drive him away, but here he is. Solid as a rock. I was happy to take the time to figure out what is or isn't right about us, together. Better to expose any deal-breakers now rather than later. That's why we also wanted to live together for awhile, to see that we were on the same page about running a household, finances, etc. And if we could like, not kill each other in the process.