The Walrus Goes to Disney

A new year meant a new attempt at not being the Walrus. Because I'm no Lennon (Or wait, was Paul the walrus? Shit.) AND mama's got a vacation coming up!

As y'all know, the "let's get healthy and not be a walrus" struggle has been a constant one for me over the years. My walrusdom is of course widely exaggerated, and I'm just in it for the melodrama, which is like a black hole sucking in everyone around me. The beau has to dodge the landmines I lay for him with questions like, "Does this shirt fit right?" and "Do I look good, like, other people would say I look good, or good, like, you say I look good because you love me?" The lady who runs the fitting room at H&M has seen every level of emotion. And the women's shelter and Goodwill have received buckets of clothes that I decided no longer fit (including all those crop shirts from my "Cameron Diaz" phase... sigh).

Meanwhile, I've tried a bunch of approaches to 'reset' or lose some poundage. Cutting sugars was a good one, but I don't have the willpower to do that all the time. (Definitely more conscious about it, since sugar is like killing us all, but I need my candy to live.) And since the gym wasn't working for me, I turned our second bedroom more or less into my home gym (sorry, guests! I light candles!) and started using the free work at gym.

Which brings me to the new year, where I decided to combo all my best approaches to trim some fat off before our fabulous Florida vacation (in which I will once again pretend to be a #BossWitch and gallivant about Harry Potter world). My approach for kicking the weight? Right here, wrapped in a bow for y'all!

Images shown to scale.
(Does everyone weigh themselves naked? I'll take any help I can get!)

For both January and February:

• Weighed myself every morning and wrote it down. Accountability and awareness.
• Did 5 squats every time I went to go to the bathroom. I know, it's weird, but it's all about habit forming!
• Tracked exercise. Had a spreadsheet with a list of moves and had a total goal to hit every two weeks. I need things in bite sized pieces or I don't stay committed #FactsOfLife The moves I were doing were for toning, with a max of 8 pound hand weights (if anyone wants a list, I'd be happy to send it!), so I wasn't beefing up but was tightening the flab. (Although, the guns on my arms may require a permit at this point - ow ow!) And honestly, the amount of effort averaged less than 15 minutes a day probably (not counting walking), so it was super easy to squeeze in.
• Walked it the hell out! I scheduled a 15 minute break every day during work to go hit the treadmill (because my desk is killing me) and took to the pavement whenever possible. Luckily had a few nice days in there to go walk by the lake, but when it was nasty, I took to mall walking (with the old retired people) early morning on weekends. It was fabulous. (I'm sure I'll write up a post about that someday.) 

Month of January:

• Was conscious about food choices, but not calorie counting or tracking. The beau was counting, so that helped slow my going out to eat, which was huge. 
• Besides the stuff I did for both months, in January I mainly just tracked exercise and ramped up activity level. Toning. Woke up those muscles so they could help me burn more in February.

Month of February (aka the last couple days of January - making around 25 days total):

• Because it's the shortest month... calorie counting! Yes, I ruthlessly tracked every little bit. This time I did not set a specific goal to fall under, but I did have one in mind (after using one of those little online calculators that says how many calories you should eat a day based on your age, gender, height, activity level, etc.) and shot for an average. This means I was NOT by any means fully depriving myself. I just had to look at a cookie and decide if it was worth it or not... and what I'd have to give up in its place.... Okay, so yeah, it was a bit of a struggle. Some days were better than others, for sure!
• Also tracked grams of sugar. Previously, when tracking sugars, I tried to keep in the recommended range of 25 to 50 grams per day. This time I was tracking more for awareness to make sure I wasn't just aiming for low calorie items that were killing me in other ways. And this helped shame me out of eating ALL the Valentine's Day candy - which, was... good. 
• Basically drowned myself drinking water. I was so hydrated this month that my shoes practically made squishy sounds when I walked. My brain and body loved it and it helped curb appetite too because I was always so full of water. ALSO, 5 squats every time I went to the bathroom? Well, when you drink buckets of water each day, the squat count goes way up! 

Here's a recap of where I averaged out and ended up:

• Weight lost: 9.2 pounds
• Average calories per day in Feb: 1438 calories
• Around 1400 per day would've been the range to lose 1 pound/week. 
• Note: my highest day was like 2300 calories - yay ladies night!
• Average grams of sugar per day in Feb: 60 grams 
• Max day was around 100 grams, so did pretty damn good on this one. 
• Note: one can of Mountain Dew, the sweet nectar of the gods, is 46 g. 
• Average miles walked per day in Jan and Feb: 1.6 miles
• My max day was over four miles - thanks mall walkin'! 

So just by keeping track and holding myself accountable a bit more, adding in walking and water, and doing a baby amount of exercise, I peeled off almost ten pounds with SUPER minimal effort. There's no point in denying that my willpower is next to none, so if I can pull that off, anyone can. And while there's always more to do (GAH why is body image a moving target?!), right now I feel pretty confident that I'll look wicked awesome in my wizard-kini on the beach. These Michelle Obama arms are ready to shove aside any children that get in my way as I go live the magic and enjoy my Disney / Universal adventure!

Stand tall, friends! Spring is coming!

The Walrus Quits the Gym

There are certain universal truths for most twenty-somethings. They all start with "at some point, in your twenties you will..." and end with things like "do something silly you regret" or "feel overwhelmed by financial decisions" or "bitch about work." Jumping to just the female version of that list, one thing you're bound to find is "join a gym, start a diet, attempt a new health regime, etc."

Shortly after on the list, you'll find, "quit the gym, cheat at diet, say to hell with salads, etc."

Now, I'm not discouraging living a healthy lifestyle or saying we're a bunch of quitters, it's just a straight fact that we're busy ladies. We've got other things to do, and sometimes we don't want to prioritize healthy stuff. Because happy hour sounds easier after a long day at the office. And some salads are just gross. And I had to look up how to even spell "quinoa." And counting calories is the worst. And no, I don't want to know what's in bologna; I want to bite out a little smiley face from it and hold it up while I laugh like a five year old.

Morale of the story: I cancelled my gym membership. After going really steady for a time, then not, then back again, then taking ALL the classes, then quitting due to my bum knee (#CuzIm90), etc. I fell out of the habit again this summer. It was like a bad relationship; one that I was paying to be in. Spending my hard-earned cash money for something is typically motivation enough, but twas not the case. Finally decided to cut ties and save the $300 a year. This walrus has been quite content with the choice.

A few reasons quitting the gym isn't the end of the frickin' world:

1. The Internet: There are a ZILLION workout videos on the internets. It's actually insane. I've been following an eight week "Fit for Fall" program that gives me all the details for zero dollars. No fancy equipment needed.
2. Fewer Excuses: I can't skip a workout because the weather is bad or it's not safe to drive (Wisconsin problems, world). My gym is my living room, and the traffic to get to there from my kitchen sure ain't bad. 
3. Workout Outfits: They can be literally whatever you want. I can workout naked, or wearing ridiculous looking neon pants, or in a giant sweater because my apartment is freezing, whatever. No one is going to see it, save for the family of claw-machine stuffed animals that hangs out on my couch. 
4. Noms: If I want to pause for a snack break, I can! Okay, wait, this one's not necessarily "good" but... it makes me happy?



Those cookies won't lift themselves! Time for some curls!
(my space pants make me stronger)
#WillSweatForSweets

5. Self Motivation: People say that if it was just left to working out at home, they wouldn't have the willpower because of other distractions. Well, if you don't have the willpower to shut off the TV for twenty minutes, you probably won't be motivated enough to drive to the actual gym either. So...
6. No Human Interaction: Because sometimes I just want to be a hermit and not deal with some bro glaring at me while I use the free weights (they're just ten pound dumbbells, buddy - I am NOT in your way here!). After a long day, the last thing I want to worry about is looking gross-sweaty in public and trying to not feel awkward when my locker is right next to the totally naked woman on her cell phone and I can't remember my lock combo.
7. Sweet Sweat Jams: The soundtrack is in your hands, not the hands of the teenage boy at the check-in desk. All the D. Guetta! 
8. Never Forget: Water bottle. Gym shoes. Headphones. My muscles. There's nothing worse than getting to the gym and having forgotten something. You don't want to turn back, but some of those items (like shoes) are kind of essential. That hair tie will make or break your workout! 

Seriously, they're like elastic angels.
These are actual currency at the gym.
(also just spent ten minutes thinking my fingers look weird...)

The point could be argued many ways; but for me, I'd say this was a decision well made. Maybe someday, when I'm in superstar adult mode, I'll make the gym a habit again.* But for now, I'm going to stubbornly do it all on my own without anyone's help, because that kind of stubbornness is what twenty-somethings are made of. That and hashtags. 

*And all the other healthy adult things. Like meal planning. And doing more than just ripping out the "superfoods you should be eating" article from the waiting room mag at the doctor and putting it on my fridge. And getting healthy magazine subscriptions myself so I don't have to steal pages from expired issues at the doctor's office... 

If I had legs like that, I wouldn't be carrying this watermelon…

A funny thing happens as you get older. A funny thing that I like to call “walrusing.”

When you’re young, with the metabolism of a hummingbird and hobbies such as “playing” and “running around in circles babbling for no reason,” it’s not that hard to stay fit. Even with a diet of mostly mac and cheese (Dear delicious neon orange powder, I love you) and candy. Then one day your metabolism runs off to Vegas with your finance after cleaning out your bank account and there you sit. Next thing you know, you look in the mirror and you’re the main asshat from that “Walrus and the Carpenter” scene in the classic cartoon horror Alice in Wonderland. A big, old walrus wearing a shoddy top hat, smoking a cigar and manipulating innocent oysters into getting in your belly, with the rest of the food. And you think, “Where did I even GET this cigar from? And how did I get to this point?” People see you and think things like, “Why’s that walrus wearing an Ellen vest?” and “Who let that walrus on the dance floor?”

Then you scrape your self-esteem up and pretend to get your act together. Adults eat right and exercise. Those are tops on the daily to-do list of adult things. Right next to doing taxes, dishes and laundry. Or in my case, it’s on the to-do list for a bit and then I get lazy, but then eventually it comes back around.  Of course, with summer coming, it’s time. Because the only options for ladies shorts are daisy dukes or weird knee length ones that make me look creepy and disproportionately short.

After all my walrus talk, the beau suggested a 5k this summer. We’d get in shape together once it got warmer out. But in the meantime, I determined I’d sneak off to the gym and get in shape first, so by the time we were “getting in shape together” I wouldn’t totally embarrass myself by being a wheezy hot mess after half a mile, curled up on the ground with my inhaler. I want to make it very clear: I don’t run unless being chased, or it’s Black Friday. And then I’m a sprinter at best. So, I started with short runs at the gym and outside as it got warmer. Even though I looked mostly insane.

Channeling her inner Garth hair poof...
If she were a president, she would be Baberaham Lincoln.

Then, after accidentally watching MOST of Raiders of the Lost Ark at the gym while running/biking, my knee blew out, puffed up, tweaked, etc. I let it rest and got one of those back Velcro brace things to stabilize my wonky knee. But, to quote the doc, “Some people just aren’t meant to be runners, sweetie.” AKA that running thing is on hold.

So, I decided to try eating healthier. Stop going out to eat at restaurants all the time. Limit the booze. And quickly thereafter, I decided that one out of three ain’t bad. Went to the grocery store and hit the produce. Decided to go big or go home, so I grabbed a giant watermelon and a basket of rainbow rabbit food. Needless to say, it took about five minutes of Jennifer Greying that watermelon around to give up on that crap. Instead of watermelon, I figured an increase of water INTAKE would be close enough. Read somewhere that you should try to drink half your body weight in ounces daily. Still attempting this one and it has lead to several VERY uncomfortably long conference calls at work as her tiny bladder pleads with her. Very H2-Oh-No, if you will… Oooh, I’ve always wanted to make a bad bladder joke! #CuzIm90

Finally, came back around to the “I’ll workout at home” thing. I can look as silly as I want. I can laugh during yoga without getting asked to leave the class, and sing along to my club music instead of just awkwardly mumble lip syncing and hoping no one sees. And of course, I can bust out the Richard Simmons. There is no workout quite like an Oldies Sweating workout! Working out at home is really all about enthusiasm. 

Stretching, not napping, she swears.

Since I play favorites, after watching a hodgepodge of workout videos, I’ve collected up the best and started incorporating them into what I call my “Lazy Girl Upstairs” workout. Since I live above a crazy old lady, all jumping and noise making moves are no good. I opt to only do ninja moves. Also, I try to incorporate them into the rest of my daily doings because I usually have to trick myself into working out. Those will start creeping up on this blog at some point I’m certain…. Because what’s the point of working out if other people don’t know you’re doing it?? If I don’t get credit, then I may as well be the walrus.

(Note: I really don't have a horrid body image of myself. My snarky body image just helps keep my ego in check. Always room for improvement, and tops that don't have muffins.)