An Ode to July and New Things

Got startled this morning at work by a reminder on my phone: Rent due. This prompted me to a moment of silence, to mourn the loss of July. I literally don’t know what happened to this month. It’s like it waved, said hi, and then left before I had a chance to even get to know it. I went to sleep on the 1^st and woke up on the 24^th. That’s what happens though, busy busy busy.

In my brief contemplation of the ups and downs of July, I realized there have been several fun new factors. Figured I’d streamline them all down into one list rather than raving about them each separately. All about efficiencies on a Friday half-day here. So here are some new things (you can tell I’m excited from all my exclamation points!) that've been happening:

#1) Caulk and float, don’t ford it!     

So I basically won the Oregon Trail, without dying of dysentery or an accidental gunshot wound (from killing all those digital buffalo), by flying out to the great Northwest to explore Oregon and Washington. Two beautiful states that I’d previously not explored and thoroughly enjoyed eating my way through. Both states are stupidly gorgeous, almost like they sucked the pretty landscape out of the square states and hoarded it for themselves. Extensive rambling about this trip will be written up eventually.

#2) Does your dress hang low? Sure does!     

Finally got on board and purchased a “maxi” dress, and it’s terribly confusing to me. What is this madness?? It can be worn as a dress, skirt, turban, a frickin’ cape, who knows! It’s weirdly versatile and yet I’m never quite sure I’m wearing it right. Two biggest struggles: not getting tangled and peeing. In terms of tangling, rolling over it with my desk chair is a big one. Now I just pull it up and sit cross legged, using it as a blanket. Still can’t master going up and down stairs without dying, but I’m getting there. As for the bathroom, someone can tell me if there’s a “right” way, please. I just hoist it up and toss it over my shoulder, like a man wearing a tie who wants to eat soup. Or a doctor on his way home from winning an award who sees someone collapse in the subway, dramatically throws his tie over his shoulder so it doesn’t get in his way as he performs miracle surgery using a pen and some lady’s gum. AKA when I have to go pee and I’m wearing a maxi dress, I’m somewhere between a soup eater and a g’damn hero.

#3) Can I offer you anything else? 

This has been a big month of adulting. Even today. I took a half day to be super adult and be home for the energy guy to come update the meter. A bit after noon, this hottie-with-the-body PYT in a hardhat and tool belt shows up at my door. ((Note: he was not nearly as good looking as my long suffering, handsome, wonderful, loving boyfriend of course – just to clarify.)) Turns out he needed to go into my old lady’s basement actually (I live in the upper of a house, you can only access her séance basement through her part of the house, not mine), so I sent him her way.

I stayed outside in case he needed something else (like to pose for a calendar), sweeping off my steps, like a lady. He came out a time later and said he’d better come in and “check some of my appliances.” Just in case. While he’s checking things, like a good happy housewife I ask if he’d like an ice cold glass of lemonade, since it’s such a hot day. He’ll politely declines. ((I quietly thank the lord and wonder what the hell I’m doing offering lemonade. I don’t have any g’damn lemonade. )) He makes small talk and says inquisitively, “Nice sized place - have it all to yourself?” I make a casual comment about how no, my husband is still at work. While standing next to my rainbow array of stuffed animals and several bags of empty fruit snacks. He gives a small smile. ((My internal monologue rages - what the hell is wrong with me?! I’m not even close to married and I very obviously live alone. This is why I was single so long. Because I’m terrified of strangers, who will surely find out I live alone and come kill me in my sleep later. Even good looking strangers. Ted Bundy’s first victim paranoia, right here.)) More small talk. Departure. I light up a cigarette. Just kidding. I don’t even smoke… Damn it, I need to watch less Mad Men.

#4) Who watches the Watchmen - I do! 

Prompted by a comment that I always leave my phone out on the table at dinner, I realized that it’s largely because I’m obsessed with knowing the time. Too busy, the clock keeps me in check. Solution: go back to wearing a watch so I quit looking like I’m being rude and checking my phone during conversation. I wore a watch throughout high school solely because my French teacher said it would be important to be on time during our trip abroad. So I wore a watch for four years to prep for one two-week trip. Clearly I’m very susceptible to the comments of others….

Look how TAN I look! And this angle makes me look GIANT!
Thanks, magic watch!

#5) Ponies have tails, and so do I!     

Growing my hair out again (for a wedding and then to donate) and I’m finally able to put my hair up into a pony tail again. Huzzah! That means that I’ll be motivated to start running again soon. Because, let’s face it, the only reason I like running is when I have a pony tail that swishes and bobs behind me like a badass as I hit the pavement (or treadmill). Else, what’s the point?

#6) Those who drink from glass water bottles shouldn’t throw stones     

(But for real, don’t throw rocks, at all, it’s not nice, we’re not ten anymore) Speaking of how I’ll eventually start running and doing things that are good for me, I also got on the “glass bottle” bandwagon. Because plastic is killing us apparently. My hand might be damn cold when I use it, but I’m reppin’ theawesomest bookstore ever and looking damn cool when drinking from it! (I forgot it at work, else there’d be a photo)

#7) I watch what I eat to make sure it’s not watching me… 

Yeah, ever think about that one? But seriously, after one too many dinners (read: happy hours) and a vacation based around food stuffs, this gal needed to get control of the eats again and quit being the walrus. Which has led to another new thing, something I’ve never done in my life: counting calories. After only a week, it’s very obvious what the sources are: stress snacking and alcohol. Working on cutting back on those two things, both of which are near and dear to my heart. There will be a turning point soon. Surely. 

Hagrid says, "Eat your veggies!"