If I had legs like that, I wouldn't be carrying this watermelon…

A funny thing happens as you get older. A funny thing that I like to call “walrusing.”

When you’re young, with the metabolism of a hummingbird and hobbies such as “playing” and “running around in circles babbling for no reason,” it’s not that hard to stay fit. Even with a diet of mostly mac and cheese (Dear delicious neon orange powder, I love you) and candy. Then one day your metabolism runs off to Vegas with your finance after cleaning out your bank account and there you sit. Next thing you know, you look in the mirror and you’re the main asshat from that “Walrus and the Carpenter” scene in the classic cartoon horror Alice in Wonderland. A big, old walrus wearing a shoddy top hat, smoking a cigar and manipulating innocent oysters into getting in your belly, with the rest of the food. And you think, “Where did I even GET this cigar from? And how did I get to this point?” People see you and think things like, “Why’s that walrus wearing an Ellen vest?” and “Who let that walrus on the dance floor?”

Then you scrape your self-esteem up and pretend to get your act together. Adults eat right and exercise. Those are tops on the daily to-do list of adult things. Right next to doing taxes, dishes and laundry. Or in my case, it’s on the to-do list for a bit and then I get lazy, but then eventually it comes back around.  Of course, with summer coming, it’s time. Because the only options for ladies shorts are daisy dukes or weird knee length ones that make me look creepy and disproportionately short.

After all my walrus talk, the beau suggested a 5k this summer. We’d get in shape together once it got warmer out. But in the meantime, I determined I’d sneak off to the gym and get in shape first, so by the time we were “getting in shape together” I wouldn’t totally embarrass myself by being a wheezy hot mess after half a mile, curled up on the ground with my inhaler. I want to make it very clear: I don’t run unless being chased, or it’s Black Friday. And then I’m a sprinter at best. So, I started with short runs at the gym and outside as it got warmer. Even though I looked mostly insane.

Channeling her inner Garth hair poof...
If she were a president, she would be Baberaham Lincoln.

Then, after accidentally watching MOST of Raiders of the Lost Ark at the gym while running/biking, my knee blew out, puffed up, tweaked, etc. I let it rest and got one of those back Velcro brace things to stabilize my wonky knee. But, to quote the doc, “Some people just aren’t meant to be runners, sweetie.” AKA that running thing is on hold.

So, I decided to try eating healthier. Stop going out to eat at restaurants all the time. Limit the booze. And quickly thereafter, I decided that one out of three ain’t bad. Went to the grocery store and hit the produce. Decided to go big or go home, so I grabbed a giant watermelon and a basket of rainbow rabbit food. Needless to say, it took about five minutes of Jennifer Greying that watermelon around to give up on that crap. Instead of watermelon, I figured an increase of water INTAKE would be close enough. Read somewhere that you should try to drink half your body weight in ounces daily. Still attempting this one and it has lead to several VERY uncomfortably long conference calls at work as her tiny bladder pleads with her. Very H2-Oh-No, if you will… Oooh, I’ve always wanted to make a bad bladder joke! #CuzIm90

Finally, came back around to the “I’ll workout at home” thing. I can look as silly as I want. I can laugh during yoga without getting asked to leave the class, and sing along to my club music instead of just awkwardly mumble lip syncing and hoping no one sees. And of course, I can bust out the Richard Simmons. There is no workout quite like an Oldies Sweating workout! Working out at home is really all about enthusiasm. 

Stretching, not napping, she swears.

Since I play favorites, after watching a hodgepodge of workout videos, I’ve collected up the best and started incorporating them into what I call my “Lazy Girl Upstairs” workout. Since I live above a crazy old lady, all jumping and noise making moves are no good. I opt to only do ninja moves. Also, I try to incorporate them into the rest of my daily doings because I usually have to trick myself into working out. Those will start creeping up on this blog at some point I’m certain…. Because what’s the point of working out if other people don’t know you’re doing it?? If I don’t get credit, then I may as well be the walrus.

(Note: I really don't have a horrid body image of myself. My snarky body image just helps keep my ego in check. Always room for improvement, and tops that don't have muffins.)