Wear It Out

While I was debating how to kick off the new year (making my list and checking it twice), I knew it was time for another paring down. The kind that usually only happens with a psychical relocation of homesteads. Why? Because, no matter how many times I streamline my clothes, there always seem to be just too many.

No, this is not a Marie Kondo story. As a woman who is both crippled by, and terrified of, a lack of variety, the whole "spark joy" shit doesn't work for me. I can convince myself that just about anything brings me joy (#womansburden), so that system just isn't going to help me get rid of anything. If anything, it makes me less likely to get rid of things, since I'm a sentimental schmuck who can sob over a ripped pair of pants from middle school and tell you a long-winded story about just how they shaped my life and made me who I am today.

Instead, this is the tale of my personal tried-and-true method that has served me well through several previous purges: a good old fashioned WEAR THROUGH. Here's how it works...

First, make sure you have access to your full wardrobe. That means laundry is fully done, and any "seasonal" or "sentimental" stuff you have tucked away is pulled out. Depending on season, this should also include a going through of coats and footwear, but that's a bit trickier depending where you live (sorry but my flip flops have no place in a Wisconsin winter).

Next, pick a day to start. From that point on, don't repeat your clothes. I'm not talking about not repeating outfits, but instead not repeating individual articles. This also includes every sock, cami, scarf, bra, set of PJs, bit of workout clothing, etc. Nothing should be spared. Each and every stitch is to be worn, either as a last hurrah or as an acknowledgement that its still a vital piece of attire. You cannot start repeating pieces until everything has been worn through. To be honest, the first things to repeat will be pants usually (most people have way more tops than bottoms), but again, not until all have been worn first. Once something is worn it should be washed and then tucked away into a tote / separate drawer, a clothing purgatory.

And there they'll stay until I've made it through the lot of them!

During this process you will have clothing in four states:

1. On the Rack :: yet to be worn
2. Laundry Limbo :: worn and not yet laundered
3. Clothing Purgatory :: worn, washed, and in your hideaway box 
4. Departures :: things you're not keeping

How does this play out? Usually I end up wearing my favorites that I always wear first, and then spiral into a wacky array. This time around, I purposefully dug into the archives first. You can pick whatever strategy you want!

On the Rack
Right off the bat, it's a 2-in-3 shot at survival :

1. You pull that shirt out of the back of the closet and go "Oh, I love this! I forgot I even had it!" and you wear it. Then it goes to laundry limbo.
2. You look at it and wonder why you even still have it, or decide it's not your size/style anymore. In this case - put it immediately into the departures pile. 
3. Or, less drastic, you just don't feel like wearing it on this particular day. Yes, you can keep it on the rack and come back to it another day, BUT if you keep finding yourself going back to it and deciding "not today" well, then maybe it just needs to go, honey. 

As you move along, you'll have to start getting more creative with how to pair up clothes to not repeat pieces. Depending on the volumes of the different types of garments, some things will repeat sooner. For example, if you only have five pairs of pants and socks, but have twenty shirts - well, the pants and socks will start repeating sooner. Or if it's winter and you have a lot of sleeveless, well, you'll need to eventually repeat cardigans or blazers to wear with them... eventually. The goal is to go as long as you can without repeating, and once you do have to repeat something, it stays in this cycle until everything is totally gone through.
Laundry Limbo Once you've worn something, it's got a 50/50 chance:

1. You wore it, remembered how much you loved it, and know that you'd like to continue to have it in your rotation. Pop it into the laundry basket! It's going to get all fresh and clean for a future wear!
2. After wearing it, you remember why you hadn't worn it lately. The cut it slightly uncomfortable. It's too tight in certain places (looking at you, blouses with the boob gap!). There's something worn out, or a lost button that you'll never recover, or something that needs mending that you just know you'll never take care of. It's a sweater that's since gotten pilly. There just isn't a scenario you'd find yourself wanting to wear it in very often (hello, clubbing clothes - you were staples in the 20s but now are just too uncomfortable to bother with). Etc Etc. Whatever it is, it's time to part ways. If it needs to be actually disposed of, try and re-purpose it for a rag/cleaning cloth or something before tossing (save the planet). If you're planning to donate or sell it, then wash it up but make sure it finds its way to the departures pile after. 

Clothing Purgatory

Congrats, clothes, you've made it this far! You've been worn, washed, and loved. Now, put these away into a "can't touch this" box, tote or drawer. Somewhere you can't even start looking until after you're run out of an essential element. Yep, ever panty, sock, shirt, and scarf, all of it gets tucked away. Once you do start needing to repeat (because you've run out of socks), be mindful of what it is you're pulling out to wear again. If it's something that's your first pick, it's pretty safe to say it's something worth keeping around. If you realize there's something you just don't want to pull out again, because it really only works by itself and with nothing else, or because you've second guessed in general - then it goes to departures. 

Once you've hit the final piece of clothing, and have gone through your goal of wearing everything - this is the perfect time for a fresh start in your closet or dresser! 

• Wipe down all surfaces, dust, and tidy up overall. You're putting everything back into this empty space, so make sure it's clean first. (How often do you wipe down drawers otherwise, honestly? Take advantage of the emptiness!) 
• Get rid of shitty hangers and decide how you want to organize things. 
• If you have some pieces that you decided you need to keep for sentimental reasons , but just won't wear regularly - give them a separate home that is not in the way of your daily wardrobe.  
• If you have some of those "skinny jeans" or "walrus sweats" that you just need to keep to torture yourself, also tuck those away. And leave a note on that box with the date. Next time you see it, if it's been more than six months, if that stuff still doesn't fit - it's time. That ship has sailed. (Unless you're like, pregnant. Maybe just don't do any of this while pregnant??)

Past Gina is a kind and ruthless bitch

Then reorg and put everything back into its new home! All your clothes are wearable, clean, and ready to be picked out to wear any old time!

Departures

This group of misfit toys is washed and clean, and ready to move on to a new home. 

• Anything to be tossed should've already been gone.
• If you're planning to donate, give a shout out to some friends or family first, see if they want to dig through for some freebies! Or, if you don't want to deal with that coordination, see if any of them could go to better use than just hitting a Goodwill rack - look up a local woman's shelter, or see if any of your work clothes can go to underprivileged folks (re)joining the workforce (interview clothes can be pricey!). 
• If you're planning to try and sell your stuff (on Poshmark or the like), don't put it off! Get photos taken and get those clothes posted up right away! If it doesn't sell within a month, move on. If you're saving clothes for a garage sale in the spring or something, put them aside and out of the way, but also leave a note with the date - if you realize two years later that that box is still there, it's time to donate. 

And that's all there is to it! The whole point is to make an effort to see what you really still like to wear and what's applicable to wear based on the life you're living. Don't spend a dime on anything new, just  wear what you already have. Wear. It. All. In the end, you'll have streamlined and learned to understand what you've got. It's day 44 for me on this wear through, and I've not had a duplicate outfit yet (except for pants). And I have oh-so-many more clothes to go. Really, I almost feel bad seeing how many clothes I have, and some that originally made it through to clothing purgatory have since been reassigned to departures (you know, when you realize you have three black tees and probably only need one). The bright side to this situation: approximately 90% of my clothes were thrifted originally,* so in general I didn't spend much money to obtain the collection I have AND they've already had two+ good lives. I hope they have many more lives after their time spent with me, and that my old friends enjoy their new homes. 

Hello, my vibrant friends! Let's see if you've run your course,
or if you've got a few more laps in you yet!

* Or I got for free using my Gap Cash - see my long footnote rant here for how much I love that effin' Gap Cash! 

It's Amazing the Clarity that Comes with Psychotic Jealousy

There are certain movies that I've seen, shall we say, too many times. The kind of movie that I used to casually put on, like someone else might turn on the radio. "My Best Friend's Wedding" was in that rotation. I even had the soundtrack on CD in high school. It's the kind of film where, when explaining the plot to people, I speak as though the cast of characters are actually close friends of mine in real life (You know, my BFF Jules...aka Julie Roberts).

At just over twenty years old, this seminal classic continues to kick ass and take names. Since it's Valentine's week (and, more importantly, the beau has been on second shift so I've had free reign on the TV!) naturally I heard the sweet, sing-songy little prayer of a film calling my name. And since I'm engaged, I've been working my way through every frickin' wedding adjacent film I've ever seen in my life - that is my version of wedding "planning" right now. That's the plateau I'm at. It is my g'damn right as a bride-to-be to wallow in rom-coms, sobbing into popcorn - this is the hill I want to die on.

ANYWHO, re-watching this gem, I'm reminded of some of the endearing life lessons, heart-wrenching scenes that will never not crush me, and the staggering confusion that I still have.

1. WHAT the ACTUAL fuck? In the opening 10 minutes, the groom-to-be (hereafter "Michael") has called his long time "BEST friend" (of NINE years - hereafter referred to by her Christian name "Julie fucking Roberts" or her film name "Jules") to ask her to be a part of his FOUR day long wedding. He is calling her on a WEDNESDAY when the wedding is SUNDAY. First off... how frickin' rude man. A four day long event? You've obviously been planning for some time and apparently have only been trying to call your best friend for a month now to get her to attend? Where were the save the dates? The invites? Or, better yet, you probably got engaged months prior and never even left a general "Hey, btw, I'm engaged" voicemail? This is such a prime example of the inconsiderate male archetype. A bro just figuring he could tell her whenever, because of course no matter how short of notice she'll be there for him. Prime example of taking advantage and being an inconsiderate asshole.*
2. AND ANOTHER THING! As a woman about to get married, I can honestly say that if my fiancé turned up a "best friend" who looked like Julia Roberts a few days before the wedding, I'd have some serious frickin' questions. (Granted, if I looked like Cameron Diaz, I mean... I guess maybe I'd be cool and all "hey girl, hey" I suppose?)
3. LOL WHAT? Oh, those two best friends (during one of their numerous hot nights), they made a pact at age 22 that if they weren't married by 28, they'd marry each other? Yeah, that sounds like a very 22 year old thing to do. The more realistic version of this "romantic pact" scenario is probably more along the lines of "Hey, you've got good hair... if I'm not married by the time I'm 40, can I use some of your sperm for an egg I've got frozen in this mini fridge under my desk...." or "Hey, if we're not married by 45, let's agree to not let each other have more than four cats."
4. THROWBACK. Some of the most heart tweaking moments are laughably 90s. When they're at the airport and Michael can basically come straight to Julia Robert's gate? Oh, pre-9/11, how we miss you! And later, when Jules is stress-smoking in the hotel hallway (as Michael is "calling off the wedding" ish) and Paul Giamatti has to explain that she's not just in a non-smoking room, but it's a non-smoking floor. HA, because remember having to specify that you wanted a non-smoking room at a hotel?
5. MELT. Speaking of that airport scene. It's the intro scene for Michael's smirk. Michael's smirk stars as the leading man in this film. He doesn't really have much charisma otherwise, but Christ almighty can that man's smirk melt a room. 
6. FOR THE RECORD. Julia Roberts was a just few years younger than I am now while filming this movie. She was around 30 when it released. Cameron Diaz was 25 (playing a 20 year old but that's neither here nor there).** There will never be a time in my life again where I can watch this movie and say "that could be me some day" because that ship has SAILED my friends, with the crop tops blowing in the wind. 
7. UM HOW? How is Julia Roberts such a revered food critic by age 28? Chalk it up for yet another film that set unrealistic expectations for me about how successful I'd be in the workplace in my twenties.
8. MIXED SIGNALS. Can anyone call Michael the "good guy" in this movie? NO. Sure, Julia Roberts does some awful shit, but she wouldn't have gone down that eight-shades-of-crazy path if it weren't for Michael being a ridiculous tease and sending her mixed messages. The quintessential "man doesn't understand changing dynamic of relationship and how it might be difficult for his best friend who's been the main woman in his life for almost a decade" moment is when Michael walks in on Jules in her skimmies (looking fine AF) is like "Oh come on, I've seen you a lot more naked than that..." and is all "You look great naked." UM, excuse me, you're about to get married, sir! How is it appropriate for you to lurk around dressing rooms ogling your ex?? Don't tell her you need her and you're jealous of her fake-gay-fiancé and all that junk, man, it's just cruel - you can tell the impact it's having on her if you're any sort of "friend" at all. 
9. POWER MOVES. Even though she's a precious sweet, Jackie O sort in this movie, Cameron Diaz is absolutely terrifying. She knows the stakes here and she's not messing around. Her awkward karaoke and random bits of crying are just strategy. After barely a few hours with Jules, she throws down a power play and TRAPS Julia Roberts in a janky elevator to let her know that she's coming out on top of this, and she's already taken the high road and knows the reality of the situation enough to see that they have to be BFFs, or Jules has to die (plot twist: when a rom-com turns into a murder mystery as the best friend who just got into town dies in a bizarre elevator accident). Cameron isn't going to be pushed around. Shortly thereafter, Jules brings on her own A game. (Julia Roberts by definition IS the A game in life.) Her at that baseball game? Creepily workin' the dads, bosses and nerdy little brother just to make a point that she's still got it? A bit awkward, but SLAY girl! (Apparently that's what gets Michael's attention - the creep.)
10. BUT FOR REALS. The karaoke scene is painful. Cameron just tries so hard. But seriously though, if anyone ever tried to make me do karaoke against my will, I'd not be graceful and precious about it. I'd probably make a mean scene. 
11. THE ELEPHANT. The whole "offer him a real job with my daddy's company so he's more of an adult" wrench that Julia tries to throw in this whole "happily ever after" plan? I mean, it's legit. Yes, it's just a plot device to cause tension, but really, why the eff are they getting married when they're so obviously on different pages about this whole "our future life together" thing?? Though Jules is using this to pry the couple apart, the scenes where she is concocting the scheme with Cameron are strangely enough, total boss lady bonding scenes. The proposal Cameron makes to Michael does make sense. But of course, the only time he shows any fire (besides whilst gawking at Jules in a fitting room) is to be a dick about it. Oh, he loves his current low-paying gig? Doesn't want to be a sell-out and take an "establishment" job?? So his bride-to-be has to quit her schooling and leave her family and run around the country with his shitty job? With no security financially and living in a constant state of flux? Um, yes, he is a sensitive sexist asshole about it - his words. HIS words. And by that scene, I'm struggling to remember why these two gorgeous woman are vying for the affections of this one man, whose only good qualities seem to be his hair, his smirk, and his ability to remember inside jokes (which he constantly references - again, without realizing how uncomfortable he's making his lady love).  
12. WHAT IS THE BILL FOR A MUSICAL NUMBER? After all the ruckus they caused at that rehearsal dinner, and all the "Say a Little Prayer" sing-along-ing, did they at least bother to tip well? Because I sure hope they did. I'd hate to be a waitress carrying a tray of drinks and have some soprano wearing foam lobster claws flailing around. Danger in the workplace, y'all. 
13. REALITY CHECK. Speaking of the real star of the film, gay BFF George is the only source of sanity in the whole movie. He is the voice of reason (literally, as Julia calls him repeatedly for insight). He immediately calls her out, asking if she really loves Michael at all, or if she just wants to win at this point. Because, fair. She had nine years to chase this man, but "didn't realize how great he was til it was too late?" Nope, I don't believe that shit, he's the same vanilla man he was before, she just is jealous and wants to be loved (fair, but like, he didn't suddenly become great is all I'm saying). When the movie is EXACTLY half way through, George lays down some hard truths and let's Julia know "he'll chose Kimmy" and that she should just prepare to say goodbye and accept this new reality. Literally cut to closing scene. George is right. Jules has to come to it on her own terms (via grand theft auto of a bread truck), but the writing was on the wall.
14. DEAD, I'M DEAD. Despite my dislike of Michael at this point, the second half of the movie is the accumulation of all the feels and tears. Because we already heard from Nostradamus-George how the movie will end, watching it play out is just a gut punch. Knowing she'll fail, but watching her try to fight, ugh. Just UGH. That culminates at the "afternoon alone together" where they're on a boat tour through downtown Chicago, and Michael perfectly lays out an opportunity for Julia to confess her love. They go under the bridge, every woman in America hysterically screams at the screen for Julia to just say something... BUT SHE DOESN'T, because she knows she's not going to win, and can't admit it knowing the outcome. And then he starts singing "Just the Way You Look Tonight" while Julia silently cries.... SOB. Just SOB.
15. SMOLDER. That PG-13 rating is solely for the scene where he takes the ring off using his mouth. No further comment needed. Holy inappropriately seductive move, Batman.
16. ACTUALLY THOUGH. I have seen women fight in public restrooms before. Audience participation is a thing. That scene, besides its perfect scripting, was just as dramatic and over-the-top as the real deal. 
17. MY HEART HAS BEEN RIPPED OUT AND STOMPED ON. So, as George predicted, Julia does the "right" thing: let's the shitty couple have each other and get married. She stands proud in her ridiculous lilac ballgown, makes an endearing speech, and even "loans" them that song that Michael stabbed her in the heart with while they were on that boat tour.*** You think the emotional gamut is fully run, and let your guard down. YOU FOOL. Cue the "departure" scene, where the happy couple runs away from their own wedding (to go to a baseball game or something dumb, presumably), as Julia watches her best friend literally skip out of her life. Forgotten, abandoned, she takes a turn, knowing that this is her emotional burden and accepting that it's time to finally move on.... And THERE is your dagger! Michael comes back for a hug, and a goodbye. I didn't see this as a thoughtful gesture. I saw it as one more power move. He gets the last word. The final goodbye. He can't just let her just move on. He has to insert himself into her life and keep her on the line. I expect this emotional torture to continue for years to come.
18. BRB, STILL WEEPING. Who could any one forget the final phone exchange with George?Supportive, dashing, full of wisdom - the real best friend of the film. The one who will help Jules pick up those pieces. 

So, despite my growing dislike for Dermot Mulroney, will I continue to come back to this film for years to come? Can I forgive it its flaws, and accept its unforgivably endearing cast just as they are? Can I love again? Yes. Because, life goes on. (And by god, at some point, there will be dancing!)

Can one literally wear out a DVD? Time will surely tell.

* Although, I have heard the counter argument that Michael didn't reach out sooner because he knew how strong his feelings were for Jules, but really wanted it to work with his new fling so he didn't want the distraction of his long-term old fling. And didn't want to put his new bang in an awkward situation. He knew he'd revert to loving the ginger. So, to avoid having to face any actual feelings, seeing what a good thing he could have with this blondie, he just decided to avoid his friend like the plague and secretly hoped she wouldn't be around at all. IS THAT BETTER THOUGH?! NO. Still awful. 

** Random aside: in 1997, Cameron Diaz also starred in one of my other fave rom-coms, "A Life Less Ordinary." She was alongside Ewan McGregor, and it's an oddball diamond in the rough. Why have you not heard of it?? Oh, well, because another (rom-com-ish) film released around the same time. A little movie called "Titanic" - and it wrecked everything else. (Get it, like...a ship wreck? Maybe? Too soon?)
*** All while the family members smile on, seemingly oblivious to literally all the shenanigans of the film. "That's just the quirky MOH, running about, no big deal." and "Kids these days!" they proclaim. This is a vital life lesson for weddings: most people won't know when shit goes wrong, so never tell. Never. 

New Year, New List

It's 2019. The last teens I'll see in my lifetime. And instead of pretending that I was motivated at the start of January, I'll be honest and say: I knew I wasn't. So I instead plotted out my goals to 'begin' later. (Why try and force yourself to fail - amirite?)

For the past several years, I've done a little kick off to the year with some overall bits of resolve. No point in letting old habits die now, eh? So here are some of the things I'm aiming for in the next eleven.

1. Hydrate: This is always high on my list. Nothing has changed. I need to do better.
2. Pinch those pennies: Mercifully, I'm debt free, and haven't had to budget too closely for the past few years. But it's time to crack down a bit to save for upcoming expenses. Just to get more of a surplus, since currently I don't have a route to make additional income.*
3. Nip that waistline: Must eat better. Must be more active. It's not that hard, I just need to properly focus and get into it.
4. Unfunk the funk: The winter blues, man, they get me. 
5. Hug the planet : It needs a little TLC. I need to make more little changes to help out with that big old problem of our world going to shit. Finally remembering reusable bags at the grocery store. Walking to work once it's warm out instead of driving. Trying to create less waste in general. One thing I already did: sent an email to several organizations (ones who I've donated to in the past who continue to send me paper mail all the time) and asked to be taken off physical mailing lists and instead be put to email lists - that saves them money and saves ink/paper/time for all.... Basically: we can all do better. We need to do better. There's no excuse to not try and do better.
6. Beauty routine: Besides the whole hydrate/exercise/eat better, getting on a better routine involving vitamins, face masks, fancy shampoo, and figuring out what the hell one is supposed to do with cuticles anyways. For Christmas, I also got one of those fancy rose quartz face rollers - and while I don't believe in the crystal flimflam, I'm all about destressing and depuffing! I've been lucky enough to have good skin, hair, health (mostly), etc. so time to double down and keep it that way. (Off to a good start on this one!)
7. Revel in it: You don't get many chances to plan a big event like a wedding (knock on wood). So I need to make sure to not stress, and just enjoy it - because I really do love this shit. And, I'd dare to say that I'm pretty good at it. 
8. Blue light special: Started this last year but fell out of practice over time. Will go back to doing no screens (TV, phone, laptop, etc.) after 9:30 pm. Back to book reading, general relaxing, etc. Also need to keep my Instagramming averaging under 45 minutes a day - it's been getting up there with the wedding and vacation searches, mustn't let it continue to get out of hand (because holy cow 45 minutes is SO much time - stupid rabbit hole!). 
9. Fix. That. Posture. SERIOUSLY. Quasimodo over here needs to get it together.
10. Hate a bit less: Overall, I'm a generally nice and happy person but... I love talking / thinking smack. It's so invigorating. But, there's enough hate in the world, so I need to focus less on being judgey and more on being positive / ignoring shit I'd normally spend time judging. It's just a waste of my time and efforts on things that just don't matter.**
11. Cut the noise : Speaking of hating less... I Marie Kondo'd my social media and unfollowed a bunch of people (that didn't spark joy - LOL). There are a lot more I need to get rid of, specifically people who just appall me with their behavior. It's like watching a train wreck though - I just can't look away. But I should.*** It would make me a happier person to not constantly be frustrated with the idiots of the world. 
12. Wardrobe wear-out : Started this January 1st. In an effort to see what I really still like to wear - I have to wear it all. Will be detailing this madness in a separate post. 
13. Help the others : Newly engaged? I've got you, boo! I've been doling out Gina's Engagement 101 wisdom by the bucket lately. Because, from what I've seen, all brides-to-be form a pretty badass lady gang. I've been so grateful for all the ones who've reached out, checked in, and helped me out, and I want to do everything I can to put that goodness back out into the world. Like Headmaster Zefron said, "We're all in this together." 
14. Spend more time with family : The one I was born into and the one I chose. Because time is precious and they deserve the best version of me that I can give.

There are a LOT of big changes coming this year. This will sound completely out of character, but: I've been grateful to have a fairly low-key start to 2019 (at least up to this point!). It's given my brain some time to reflect and my attitude some time to get over itself. Change isn't something we're necessarily hardwired to "like," but as a species we wouldn't have made it this far if we hadn't learned to adapt. Hoping some of my little plans above, my little roots, will keep me grounded in the year ahead. Hold strong, little roots! 

Time to take a bite out of 2019!

* IE NO I'm not getting a second job, or a side hustle, or any of that nonsense. I'm quite content just tightening the purse strings a wee bit and am nowhere near desperate enough to pump time into becoming a hustler. For all the "self care" pushing of 2018, there was likewise a shit ton of "hustle" attitude promoted. It was a vicious cycle of people stressing themselves to the point of needing to do actual self-care. So like, is everyone suppose to work fifty jobs, and "do what makes them passionate," and also take time for bubble baths? Kudos to those who attempt to balance all that but, no thanks. Not necessary for me right now. Plenty of other things to care about putting time towards. Already a wonder woman, I don't need to hustle just for hustling sake. And bubble baths stress me out more than anything. 
** Plus, I just feel so quick to anger lately, and frustrated so frequently. And my hating just feeds into that. I also read that it could likely just be a symptom of Depression - which is probably just a suburb of my Anxiety. But I'm not ready to move to the suburbs. I'm comfortable living downtown at the intersection of Panic Parkway and Stress Street, just around the corner from Eagerness Ave - where I curb stomped serenity back in '05 and never looked back. 
*** And honestly - what kind of psycho actually likes watching train wrecks?? Like, I should feel bad about feeding views towards this nonsense. But I guess social media is like Nascar - people only watch for the carnage and to have the loud noise distract them from their own thoughts.

I do, I do, I do, I do, I do

... love me some planning!

With ABBA's greatest hits on repeat, the wedding planning has been cruising right along. Depending who you ask, we're drastically behind or doing just fine. According to my meticulous spreadsheets, we're rockstars and the naysayers are officially off the guest list. Since most else in life has been taking a back seat during all this, figured some update to prove I'm alive and that we're making progress wouldn't go amiss. So, here's some stuff that's gone down on the planning front since the engagement, and a bit of a follow up to some of those fabulously half-assed answers from November.

• We have a date! And it's less than a year out from the day we got engaged - no pressure! By the end of September 2019, we'll be oh so officially husband and wife. We're pumped to have locked in a fall slot. Our logic: summer would be way to sweaty for me, winter could cause travel issues, and spring was too risky for the dreaded "rain on your wedding day" that Alanis Morissette ironically warned against (plus I didn't want to wait til 2020, to be honest). Added bonus: our date comes with a built in theme song, so we'll never forget our anniversary!
• We have a venue! We basically picked a mansion by the lake. Because, why not? Added bonus: we get it for the entire day, which means I will be lounging about the place in my PJs and pretending it's my house all morning.
• We have a photographer and a DJ! After buckets of research, we signed some legit looking documents and parted ways with a few more deposits. We've got a wizard set to go behind the lens, a nerdy crew for the jams, and all the uplighting you can handle (because I insisted). Added bonus: we also managed to finagle some discounts! Holla!
• I have the dress! Speaking of discounts, holy shit did I get a deal on the dress. I had been researching and pinning, and just went to go check out a shop with my mom, very casually, with no intent of even trying a dress on, but the woman at the shop was so chill and before I knew it, I I was buying my dress! Added bonus: originally, the dress was almost two grand, and I got it for $400! (As a midwest gal, the glamour of the deal is almost as important as the glamour of the dress!!) It just will need a little bit of alteration (adding a bustle, tightening up the bust - but else it's almost my size as is!) and wham, bam, thank you ma'am! 
• We have a color scheme! And yes, I caved and made an effin' Pinterest board of it (DM for link - because I know everyone has just been holding their breath! lol). 
• Some things are still in the works:
• We have a tentative plan for officiant, guest list, and wedding party, just need to do some communicating on all that. 
• Hotels, the website, and all date saving / invitation type things are still being tinkered with.  
• I have about fifty different game plans for the DIY chuppah I'm going to build. Chuppah begets centerpieces, so once I nail that down, I can properly plot tables out.
• I've got a shady scheme going currently for florals and cake - should it all go to plan, will post about that some day. 

Wisconsin: it's where our love story started, so it's where we're getting married!

Important things I've learned:

1. Haggle. It's expected. Worst case scenario? You don't get a discount and pay what you planned to pay anyways. Else, many aspects can be customized to save cash moneys. 
2. Meltdowns. They happen. Don't try to be tough, just let that shit out and move along. That's how you keep them as mini, bite-sized anxiety attacks ... instead of  family-sized. 
3. Wedding Expos are a circus, in hell. If you attend, have a game plan. Be aggressive and hit up the bar immediately. Bring address labels with your name, email and wedding date/venue on them so you don't have to fill out a million little slips to enter into drawings - because that's why you're there. Drawings. And cake samples. The rest is just fluff. (I could do an entire post on the nightmare that was the one expo I attended - if anyone wants to hear that saga, let me know!)
4. Kindred. There's a lot of other brides-to-be out there. Band together, ladies! Because the war stories are great, and it's nice to compare notes. (There's also a lot of ladies who are wived up already, who have the value of hindsight to help calm any worries.)
5. Make it rain. Money means nothing anymore. The wonderfully foolish amount of cash thrown at weddings is a fun little game of trying to spend less. All you can do is just remember your budget, and make a plan for bringing in extra dough if you find yourself wanting to go over. (In the beau's case, he works overtime to make more - in my case, I spend less the save more.) 
6. No monsters here. Putting your foot down does not make you a bridezilla. (She who is in charge of planning, gets to have final say on plans.) Feeling stressed does not make you a terror. This is a major life change, and that sort of metamorphosis isn't always pretty, but in the end you come out a butterfly - so it's all good. 

The best thing about all this? The beau hasn't been scared away by all the planning. Now that the big boxes are checked, we're just getting excited about all the little details we'll get to have for what's going to be a wonderful day. One wonderful day, one perfect point in time, to kick off what will be a wonderful lifetime. Sure, we'll kick it off with a little less cash in our pockets, but with just as much love in our hearts. (Cheesy enough for y'all?)

Hindsight Is: 2018 Edition

Holy frickin' cow, 2018. How is it nearly at an end? Literally, I fail to understand time, because she's a cruel mistress. Reading my 2016 and 2017 recaps was a hoot. A fun look back at an often angsty, but mostly doe-eyed past-Gina, and a great way to put this maelstrom year into perspective.

So here's a glance back on the past 365 -

• New Era: This was it. The year that straddled my twenties and thirties. Much the same way a drunken bachelorette straddles a mechanical bull after her fourth shot of tequila, it was both epic and sloppy. I held on for dear life, and despite the inevitable falling, I considered the overall attempt a great success... 2018 was an ongoing celebration as many dear friends likewise turned the big 3-Oh. The friend crew really stepped up the adulthood levels once crossing the thirty line, with an onslaught of new houses bought, new babies birthed, and new marriages celebrated.*  There was also a wave of grad parties, as my little cousins become not so little anymore and as friends have continued to check off advanced degrees. So many changes. Bowie would've been proud (RIP).
• Personal Adult Points Peak: 2018 was tops in my own personal adulting, as well. Besides having officially survived my twenties (it was touch-and-go for a bit there), I also finally crossed the threshold and became completely debt free. And, after soapboxing for over four years about how we were plenty happy as we were thankyouverymuch, we finally decided to put a ring on it and got engaged!** And, we're definitely not pregnant so cheers for not catching that particular cootie just yet! Besides those big moments on the personal front, I also was promoted again at work, twice. AND I joined a book club. So, I'm one glass of wine away from 40 and a mini van at this point. Go team! 
• Turn On: It was another year for watching the world unfold. The Winter Olympics. The World Cup. I finally watched The Office (I hate Jim - yes, there will be a rant about it some day). I voyaged back to Middle Earth with my sis, to watch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy (extended editions) in theaters once more. I rewatched all of Game of Thrones in anticipation of the upcoming finale. Beyond the silver screens, I saw plenty of action IRL, as well. An epic opening concert by The Killers at the new venue in MKE. A standout Summerfest show by Chromeo. Visits to the local theater, ballet, and symphony. Chuck full of culture, that 2018!
• Tune In: While everyone in 2018 was all about "saying no more" - I took that as a load of crap and tried to say yes more. Yes to meeting up with old friends. Yes to that extra phone call with a family member. Yes to giving a shit about people and your relationships to them, instead of just only focusing on yourself. I especially tried to stay in touch better with friends who don't live in close proximity. Hosted various friends (and groups) throughout the year, showed up for some birthday parties out of town, met up with people while in NYC for work, made a point to grab lunch or a drink when someone was passing through town (even if it was an airport lounge cocktail), attended a large reunion with my social group from college - overall just SHOWED UP (as much as I could - sorry for the times I couldn't manage). 2018 was about laughing with and learning from as many people as I could. 
• Drop Out: There was a huge rift in the middle of this year, as the beau's dad passed away suddenly in July (the day before my 30th birthday). It was truly a black hole that just sucked the light out of us. The support from friends and family was overwhelming, and we were more grateful than ever for having everyone, despite us taking a good deal of time to disconnect. Social media, blogging, all this fringe stuff is just so unimportant when you've got a bigger, life changing situation going on. A lot of things took a back burner while we tried to adjust to the upside down. As they should have. 
• Aboard AF: After several years of traveling domestically together, we finally made the leap abroad. This year we had quite a few epic adventures across the pond, visiting the Faroe Islands, Copenhagen, Iceland, London, Paris and Dublin. It'd been ten years (way too long of a hiatus!) since I'd last had a proper Eurotrip, and I'd been itching for the return to foreign languages, fabulous public transit, and delicious bread. It was also nice to see that the beau and I could travel well together in a more foreign setting. And hey, we got engaged in Paris, so now we will always have an excuse to return there (yas!). 
• Etc: Loved and lost a kitchen couch that rocked my world. Voted - twice - because primaries matter. Met our neighborhood graffiti artist. Finally went to the eye doc, dentist, and regular doc all within a 12 month span - hit that hat trick for the first time in way too long. Got over the Sunday Slump. Built more IKEA furniture than I have in a lifetime. Surfed various waves of anxiety. Spent a lot of time with family, as my grandma's house was fully cleared out and sold. Was a major spectathlete at the beau's SIXTEEN races this year - he put on over a thousand miles and ran his first full marathon in NYC. 

The year ahead is sure to be a busy one, and I won't make it out of it single. There are still plenty of big ch-ch-changes to come on the home front. The twenties felt like a decade of constant evolution, with a perpetual state of movement and few stationary points. This new decade feels like more permanent changes are afoot. Changes with longer term consequences. The fun and games aren't over, now it just feels less like the Hunger Games and more like chess. We've got to be three moves ahead and see a little further into the future, it's not just about surviving this moment, or living day by day. 2019 will kick that all off - may the odds still be ever in our favor.

2018: What a frickin' whirlwind!

* Though, this year there were only three weddings attended. A far cry from the eight-each-year pace we had been running at. It's official: a big chunk of us are "settled" -- HOW bizarre! Time for some renewing of vows, divorce parties, or something, because I'm already lamenting the lack of drunken dancing and playing dress up!
** Sorry in advance if you hate wedding talk - but, I frickin' love it. So, you can expect to see plenty more soul-searching and overly dramatic posts about wedding planning in 2019. If you want to tune out for those, I'll forgive ya. Shall try not to rabble too much about it.
*** Six of my top ten trafficked posts were in 2018 - and yet I had three months of radio silence to repay you all. Sorry, that's just the way it goes. Thanks for continuing to come back! 

Going to the Chapel... Or Some Variation Thereof

Now that I'm coming through the other side of my initial post-engagement-nervous-breakdown, and am receiving epic volumes of (often unsolicited) advice on the daily, I've settled on a few things. A few wedding and marriage related "this is how it's going down" things. Some of these may well get abandoned over time, but right now I'm feeling pretty certain about them. And since y'all know how I love to field questions in bulk, here are some answers to a variety of FAQs. You can decide what the questions were, and determine whether or not you think they were invasive or just in good fun....

1. Nope, we don't have a date picked yet.
2. Why yes, I do plan to lose weight for the wedding... because I've been treating my body less like a "temple" and more like a dumpster with broken wheels. A stationary thing you dump garbage into. It's not for the dress - it's for me. I'm a firm believer that one of the essential things you're committing to in a marriage is living as long as possible. You've signed up til death you do part, and you better work your ass off to make that you last as long as you can on this good earth to do your part of fulfilling that vow. So, as I jump into this new role as a wife, I'd like to do it in peak condition, and show up properly for this thing. Hopefully this whole "better eating and exercising" thing will become a trend, so our marriage can be less "in sickness" and more "in health."*
3. I know, you're right. I AM a wedding crier. And yes, I'll probably be a hot sobbing mess at mine, just like I was at everyone else's. Because I frickin' love weddings, and they make my heart feel overwhelmed with joy, and that joy leaks violently out of my face.** Have tissues at the ready, please and thanks.
4. No, I don't have a Pinterest board, so I can't share a link. No vision board either. You'll just have to trust me when I say that this'll all turn out just fine, and that people got married before the internet existed. 
5. Yep, DIY is happening. Why? Not because we can't afford certain things (#blessed), but because I'm a thrifty bitch and probably won't want to afford certain things. We all know that if you tag the word "wedding" on to just about anything, the world sees emotional dollar signs and jacks the price up tenfold. So, because I love sticking it to the man, I'll be trying to win this game as much as possible. Also, I like crafting. And since I'm usually a ball of anxiety, I'll need something to distract me and keep my nerves ocupado. I'm expecting a lot more DIT than DIY to be honest - doing it together... over cocktails.
6. Not getting married in a church, nope.*** 
7. Sorry, yeah, no date picked yet. Not even a particular season in mind, nope. It all depends on the venue availability. 
8. That's correct, we're paying for the wedding ourselves. We're lucky enough to be getting married at an age where we're financially stable. We've worked hard to pay off all our debts and to save up. And now we're going to take that savings and chuck it at a big ass party. Because we want to. And we can. And, to be honest, there aren't many excuses to gather literally everyone you love into one space - it's usually just weddings and funerals. And the latter isn't very much fun. So, we're happy to spend the money to fill a space with people we love, to celebrate happiness.
9. No, my ring isn't loose or needing to be resized. I already resized it. My hands are just cold. Really, I'm happy with the sizing, I promise. 
10. The wedding will definitely be in Milwaukee. Milwaukee is "us" - it's where we met, it's where we live together, it's where "me" became "we." We want it to be a day of us. 
11. Old, new, borrowed, blue? Yeah, I'll probably try to do that, but haven't though much on it yet, to be honest. Times like these, I wish I did have a hope chest lying around somewhere. 



Do these dollar store decorations count as new and blue??

12. Thank you so much for sharing that advice. It's been wonderful to hear so many different approaches for how to go about (insert wedding element here). We'll be taking all this into consideration as we decide. Super grateful to have a community of people who care and want to help.... ((Except, we do get the final say on all decisions. And that might mean not following  your advice later. Please don't secretly hate us. We still value your opinion. We're doing our best here.))
13. Yes, we're getting a prenup. Not because we don't believe our marriage will last, but because we're children of divorce and want to protect each other from our future selves. (Future Gina is a real diva, I hear.)
14. Really, truly, I wish I could tell you the date, but we haven't picked it yet. Nope, it's not just throwing a dart at a board. Yep, most venues are booked out to 2020. Crazy, I know. So yeah, honestly, I don't have a date for you. 
15. I will be taking his last name. No chance of that not happening. 
16. Sorry no, we haven't finalized our guest list yet (we've only been engaged like a month...). We're very fortunate to have so many wonderful people in our lives, who've each had a big impact on us in their own way; but, we will have a limited amount of space for this shindig. We won't be able to have everyone physically present that day. ((So again, please don't secretly / openly hate us -- we'd love to have every single person there if we could. But we can't.)) 
17. How many people are we inviting? See previous answer. In summary: a bunch, but not nearly enough. 
18. No, I'm not pregnant. Yes, I haven't been pushy about getting married previously, and now suddenly I'm engaged. It really wasn't all that sudden though. This isn't a shotgun wedding. (KNOCK ON WOOD)
19. Yes, there could potentially be a rabbi. We'll definitely have a chuppah and will be smashing a glass (though I'm still terribly disappointed that I personally don't get to be the one to stomp it, blah blah traditions). And the odds of us getting hoisted up on chairs and dancing the horah at some point are alarmingly high. So, get on board and work on your upper body strength, because I don't want to get dropped. 
20. Nope, our colors aren't baby blue and safety orange. Quit listening to my fiancé, he's just messing with you.
21. OH yeah, I've definitely considered doing a white pantsuit. You KNOW how I feel about pantsuits. I would love to pull that off, but I probably won't.... probably. 
22. Sigh. No, we don't have a date yet.

If at any point in the next twelve to eighteen months, you hear my tone shifting between jovial, bitchy, forceful, downright giddy, etc... it's because I really am stupid excited to be doing this whole wedding thing. But, I really do feel awful when I don't have answers for people. Or when I just don't have time to dive into it. Or when the answers I give are clearly something that seems disappointing or wrong to the person asking. Please know this: I love that you care enough to ask. And I love talking about this stuff. And I know that this is really like my one chance to just strut around being bridey and spewing taffeta out of my palms like Spiderman does with webs (spew spew!), but to be honest, I'm just trying to do my best to make sure everyone is happy and that at the end of this all, the beau still wants to walk down that aisle with me... or some variation thereof. As long as we end up married, it'll be the best day ever.

If face masks are the key to a practical wedding, I'm on board. 
Pass the frickin' avocados! 

* And yeah, of course I want to look good in the dress, too. I'm not a fucking monster.
** For the record, the titular song of this post, Going to the Chapel, makes me bawl like a baby. In the mountains of Colorado, myself and the other bridesmaids piled into a van, lovingly driven by my dear friend's brother-in-law. It was her big day, and we were on our way, and he popped on that song as a ha-ha-how-perfect tune, and I promptly started tearing up, because my girl was getting married. She'd found the love of her life and I was so happy for her, and so sad for me because that meant our relationship would forever be altered as well. AKA I was a glass case of emotion. Still am. To this day. Because their happiness makes my little heart explode. 
*** Though I'd love to just take photos in a cathedral, but you know, that dream can die. 

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

We spend all our lives developing and nurturing relationships. Some are fleeting or tumultuous. Others come in and out. Then there are those that last for years and years, but change over time. Most are not constant. Save for one. The most important one. I'm not talking about finding the one. I'm talking about the one that you can never truly get away from. It's that person who I've been in a relationship with for the past thirty years.... myself.

It's that me, that she, that's been having a hard time this past month. Because this is it. We're done. There's a beautiful shiny rock on a very important finger now, which means it's time for one final breakup - with any luck, the last breakup I'll ever have in this lifetime* - the divorce from my singledom.

***Let me preface this by saying I literally could not be happier to be starting this new adventure with the ridiculously wonderful man who has agreed to stick by me for, you know, eternity. I'm stupid lucky to have found him. BUT, being engaged does not mean that the only emotion you're allowed to feel is giddy giddy joy joy all the time. So, just let me get this lament out and if you'd rather hear the glowing rosy-eyed bride-to-be ravings, I'm sure those will come later. For now you get a scatter-brained panic, because that's how my brain feels.***

Don't get me wrong, I know this all is going to sound terribly melodramatic. I'm not losing a leg, or moving abroad, or switching jobs, or altering my gender, or dying here - nothing so hectic as all that. I'm just getting married. It's just a name on a piece of paper really.... right?

What is in a name?

But that's just it. It's my name. A name that I've built an identity around my entire life. It's silly that a few letters (or in my case, a lot of frickin' letters) can form such a core identity, but they really do. It's that long last name that spun off into countless nicknames, and awkward explanations of how to attempt to pronounce it. It's a name that most of my friends probably still can't say, which settled me into my position as just "Gina K." That last name immediately signals my heritage (it's so German that it literally is wearing lederhosen and chugging a litre of beer) and anchors me to my family.

It's a name that's also coming to an end. Unless my sister decides to keep our name and pass it to her children, there won't be a next generation. It will become just an archaic reference on someone's family tree some day. There won't be anyone walking around proudly carrying it with. (Then, you can sure bet that there really will be no one who can pronounce it!) And the thought of that kind of makes my heart hurt a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking: I'm the one opting to make that name change, so if it really bothers me, I don't have to do it. But, I do want to. It's a symbol that we're a new little family. That we're merging those branches together. I'll be proud to don that new last name - and thrilled to get some ambiguity going forward - but that change is a mental hurdle that I'm still working on getting over. I have a long time before I have to properly face said hurdle. Right now I'm getting a running start, so later I don't just barrel straight into it and end up a crumpled, crying mess on the ground.

Who the heck even am I?

It's all a part of the mental shift. There's a new constant, now. It's not just me: it's we.

How do you like THEM apples?? ... I like them fine, thanks.

Never fear: I'll still fight against being pigeon-holed into just specific titles (see rant #9). But, as much as I might argue that I get to be just-the-same-as-I-ever-was-thankyaverymuch, it really is true that marriage does fundamentally change something. Besides literally changing my name, I'm changing my perspective on the future.

As I evolved from a scrappy trailer-park kid, to a painfully nerdy band geek student, to an aggressively-social-butterfly, to an independent career-girl, I was by and large single. And to be honest, I was good at it. Yes, I had loving family and friends who had my back, but on a whole I was solely responsible for the outcome of my life. My decisions and their consequences were all on me. So if I messed up, it was just me who was impacted. If I was poor, it was okay because I only had one mouth to feed. It was all on my shoulders. I decided what took priority, and how to spend my time and money. Just me...

Even though we've been together for almost five years now, I still was always cautious about the potential of reverting to that single status. When we moved in, I  kept my pots and utensils. I made sure I was financially secure enough to go solo again at any point. I didn't get rid of all my furniture. I knew exactly which friends had a couch I could crash on... just in case. I lived life in "just in case" mode.

Because, let's be real, relationships can just end on a dime. I could've come home any day from work to find him gone for no good reason. Because even though you care, a relationship isn't set in stone. It's a loose knit that can unravel fairly quickly.

This is it. Don't get scared now. 

Marriage ups the ante. It ties big old knots into that loose knit. It's more binding. Sure, marriages still do end sometimes, but divorce is messy and expensive. If you want out, it takes a lot more effort. That's why (most) people don't enter into this legal union lightly. And it's not like we are, and it's not like this wasn't building up for awhile - I'm not shocked and suddenly having to come to grips with this identity change. This wasn't something we rushed.** I guess I just didn't realize that my obnoxious last name and single-status meant so much to my wonky brain.

So here's where that leaves me.... a bride-to-be, having a quiet meltdown / identity crisis while trying to keep a good poker face. Mentally preparing to go all in on this big bet, and hoping that this two-of-a-kind is enough to win. This doesn't feel like a gamble. It feels like a sure thing. Besides, my cards are all on the table at this point, and there's no going back now. I have no regrets about how I've played the game up to this moment, and no regrets about how it will all turn out. Because you can't win if you don't play. And the prize is happily-ever-after.

In it to win it...

* Yes, I did bust out all the best breakup songs. Because even if breakups suck, there is nothing more cathartic than openly sobbing in ones car will blaring "I will always love you" or "It must've been love" or some other sap anthem. Anyone who has never had one of those moments has lived their life at half emotional capacity. 
** I managed to keep conversation about marriage pretty practical and non-threatening. No major ultimatums were made. My fiancé never came home to me laying in a pile of wedding magazines and taffeta fabric samples with "Wedding Bell Blues" on repeat and "Say Yes to the Dress" queued up on the TV, wearing a "Why aren't we engaged yet?" t-shirt. No offense to the forward-thinking women who made such displays, it just wasn't my style. 
*** Also, for the record, getting married will not make me get off my feminist soap box. I'm gaining a legal life partner here, not a master. So while my mental title shift to be a little less 'Miss Independent' and a little more 'Mrs. Woman of Her Own Mind' - don't expect too much else to change in terms of my attitude on gender roles and contributions to a household, loves.