Girls on Film

The only thing better than a good movie: a good movie trailer. Maybe it's because of my field (marketing) or just the instant gratification of a quick fix, mini-movie begging for critique. That fabulous two minute judgement reel and glimpse into new characters gives me a thrill!

A few trailers that I saw recently, however, irked me. What bothered me most? The females.

1. How to be Single - AKA 50 shades of Moaning Myrtle mopes til comic relief pal drags her out for shenanigans, then acts awkward til she can return to her couch. Over it. Being single is amazing* - quit pouting and enjoy. No, that doesn't mean clubbing every night and waking up with strangers - that's a hazard to your health (#CuzIm90). The BFF of the film will have six STDs when they find her passed out in boozy puke in a Qdoba bathroom. NO, I haven't seen the movie. Maybe the comedy makes up for the toxic friendship in the end. Or probably not. 
2. Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates - AKA two unladylike ladies con two bros into taking them to Hawaii where they out-bro them. Yes, I'll see this one. Love the cast and the trailer made me literally LOL. In fact, the ladies of this trailer didn't bug me until my sister pointed out: they're dirty. Not raunchy dirty, but like, filthy. They're messy and not well put together (unless in peak con). Does a gal have to live in squalor, watch porn, smoke pot from an apple (still don't get it), and excel at ATVing to be attractive? If that's the only way to win over Zefron and go to Hawaii, sure, I'll try it, but I'd rather not. 
3. The Danish Girl - AKA Actresses need not apply, Eddie Redmayne will be playing the role of "woman" going forward. Exquisite cheek bones once again allow a man to take a woman's job. Even if that job is being a woman... Okay, jokes. Really it just bothered me how much prettier Eddie Redmayne is than me. This film looks fantastic.

The main problem: I didn't see myself in any of the leading ladies above. Painfully awkward, a constant hott mess, a lady-bro, a man-lady... none quite fit. So naturally, I started trying to think of a film character who did match. It's harder than you might think.

I tried to be like Grace Kelly, but all her looks were too sad #Mika

Turning to a nearby stack of DVDs, I reviewed some possibilities:

• Hermione Granger - Intelligent female whose goodwill is taken advantage of by her male counterparts and is overlooked as being attractive due to her wit? Story of my youth. Grows up to be Emma Watson in a perfectly tailored pant suit? My blazer collection and I would like to think so. Unable to adjust to her audience and accidentally belittling? Not so much. Has the affections of a famous athlete? Will let you know when David Beckham lifts the restraining order. Able to do frickin' MAGIC? Still waiting on that letter, Hogwarts!
• Princess Leia - Badass rebel? Sometimes. Has a thing for Harrison Ford? Check. Frequently travels through space and looks good in white? Alas, no.
• Scarlett O'Hara - Feigns ignorance and helplessness to manipulate men around her? Well, sometimes. Pulls off a ballgown (or curtain) like nobody's business? Don't I wish. Charming and determined AF? Will take those. Super petty, childish and obsessive? Less so.
• Then I hit the Audrey movies:
• Holly Golightly - Chic? Looks great in a hat? Someday, friends. Social butterfly? Fo sho. Actual strumpet and borderline delusional? Not typically.
• Sabrina - Humble beginnings, working hard to improve herself? Yep. Studied in France? Yes. Loves Humphrey Bogart? Oh indeed. Nabs her man after pining over his brother for years? Um, that'd be awkward.
• Princess Ann - Can pull of short hair? Thankfully, though still unable to hack those bangs. Gullible and over-trusting of strangers? Unfortunately. Princess living in Rome? Womp womp.
• Bridget Jones - Okay, yes, she's my spirit animal: the vodka, wonky friend group, delightful meltdowns followed by gym goings, the occasional verbal malfunction, a love for Hugh Grant and Colin Firth. However... Smoker and total failure at cooking? Naw. Splendidly British and working a quirky journalism job? Gah, if only.

Finally, landed on Corie Bratter, aka Jane Fonda in Barefoot in the Park. Sure, she's over-the-top, but is also lot of fun, ridiculous, adventurous, and a total hoot. I strive to have witty banter even half as good as what she has with Robert Redford. She goes from hilarious to totally unhinged and spastic. Trying so hard to be a good wife but not even sure how to be married. Self-conscious, but head over heels in love with a man who balances her... a point that, nicely enough, rings true for me lately. So Corie Bratter is the closest match I could come up with for now. Plus, she IS the root cause for all those times I've randomly shouted out, "I want a divorce!!" and that one is always a crowd pleaser.

The park, NYC. Starring me, barefoot.

*Doesn't mean I don't also love being in a wonderful relationship!