Going to the Chapel... Or Some Variation Thereof

Now that I'm coming through the other side of my initial post-engagement-nervous-breakdown, and am receiving epic volumes of (often unsolicited) advice on the daily, I've settled on a few things. A few wedding and marriage related "this is how it's going down" things. Some of these may well get abandoned over time, but right now I'm feeling pretty certain about them. And since y'all know how I love to field questions in bulk, here are some answers to a variety of FAQs. You can decide what the questions were, and determine whether or not you think they were invasive or just in good fun....

1. Nope, we don't have a date picked yet.
2. Why yes, I do plan to lose weight for the wedding... because I've been treating my body less like a "temple" and more like a dumpster with broken wheels. A stationary thing you dump garbage into. It's not for the dress - it's for me. I'm a firm believer that one of the essential things you're committing to in a marriage is living as long as possible. You've signed up til death you do part, and you better work your ass off to make that you last as long as you can on this good earth to do your part of fulfilling that vow. So, as I jump into this new role as a wife, I'd like to do it in peak condition, and show up properly for this thing. Hopefully this whole "better eating and exercising" thing will become a trend, so our marriage can be less "in sickness" and more "in health."*
3. I know, you're right. I AM a wedding crier. And yes, I'll probably be a hot sobbing mess at mine, just like I was at everyone else's. Because I frickin' love weddings, and they make my heart feel overwhelmed with joy, and that joy leaks violently out of my face.** Have tissues at the ready, please and thanks.
4. No, I don't have a Pinterest board, so I can't share a link. No vision board either. You'll just have to trust me when I say that this'll all turn out just fine, and that people got married before the internet existed. 
5. Yep, DIY is happening. Why? Not because we can't afford certain things (#blessed), but because I'm a thrifty bitch and probably won't want to afford certain things. We all know that if you tag the word "wedding" on to just about anything, the world sees emotional dollar signs and jacks the price up tenfold. So, because I love sticking it to the man, I'll be trying to win this game as much as possible. Also, I like crafting. And since I'm usually a ball of anxiety, I'll need something to distract me and keep my nerves ocupado. I'm expecting a lot more DIT than DIY to be honest - doing it together... over cocktails.
6. Not getting married in a church, nope.*** 
7. Sorry, yeah, no date picked yet. Not even a particular season in mind, nope. It all depends on the venue availability. 
8. That's correct, we're paying for the wedding ourselves. We're lucky enough to be getting married at an age where we're financially stable. We've worked hard to pay off all our debts and to save up. And now we're going to take that savings and chuck it at a big ass party. Because we want to. And we can. And, to be honest, there aren't many excuses to gather literally everyone you love into one space - it's usually just weddings and funerals. And the latter isn't very much fun. So, we're happy to spend the money to fill a space with people we love, to celebrate happiness.
9. No, my ring isn't loose or needing to be resized. I already resized it. My hands are just cold. Really, I'm happy with the sizing, I promise. 
10. The wedding will definitely be in Milwaukee. Milwaukee is "us" - it's where we met, it's where we live together, it's where "me" became "we." We want it to be a day of us. 
11. Old, new, borrowed, blue? Yeah, I'll probably try to do that, but haven't though much on it yet, to be honest. Times like these, I wish I did have a hope chest lying around somewhere. 



Do these dollar store decorations count as new and blue??

12. Thank you so much for sharing that advice. It's been wonderful to hear so many different approaches for how to go about (insert wedding element here). We'll be taking all this into consideration as we decide. Super grateful to have a community of people who care and want to help.... ((Except, we do get the final say on all decisions. And that might mean not following  your advice later. Please don't secretly hate us. We still value your opinion. We're doing our best here.))
13. Yes, we're getting a prenup. Not because we don't believe our marriage will last, but because we're children of divorce and want to protect each other from our future selves. (Future Gina is a real diva, I hear.)
14. Really, truly, I wish I could tell you the date, but we haven't picked it yet. Nope, it's not just throwing a dart at a board. Yep, most venues are booked out to 2020. Crazy, I know. So yeah, honestly, I don't have a date for you. 
15. I will be taking his last name. No chance of that not happening. 
16. Sorry no, we haven't finalized our guest list yet (we've only been engaged like a month...). We're very fortunate to have so many wonderful people in our lives, who've each had a big impact on us in their own way; but, we will have a limited amount of space for this shindig. We won't be able to have everyone physically present that day. ((So again, please don't secretly / openly hate us -- we'd love to have every single person there if we could. But we can't.)) 
17. How many people are we inviting? See previous answer. In summary: a bunch, but not nearly enough. 
18. No, I'm not pregnant. Yes, I haven't been pushy about getting married previously, and now suddenly I'm engaged. It really wasn't all that sudden though. This isn't a shotgun wedding. (KNOCK ON WOOD)
19. Yes, there could potentially be a rabbi. We'll definitely have a chuppah and will be smashing a glass (though I'm still terribly disappointed that I personally don't get to be the one to stomp it, blah blah traditions). And the odds of us getting hoisted up on chairs and dancing the horah at some point are alarmingly high. So, get on board and work on your upper body strength, because I don't want to get dropped. 
20. Nope, our colors aren't baby blue and safety orange. Quit listening to my fiancé, he's just messing with you.
21. OH yeah, I've definitely considered doing a white pantsuit. You KNOW how I feel about pantsuits. I would love to pull that off, but I probably won't.... probably. 
22. Sigh. No, we don't have a date yet.

If at any point in the next twelve to eighteen months, you hear my tone shifting between jovial, bitchy, forceful, downright giddy, etc... it's because I really am stupid excited to be doing this whole wedding thing. But, I really do feel awful when I don't have answers for people. Or when I just don't have time to dive into it. Or when the answers I give are clearly something that seems disappointing or wrong to the person asking. Please know this: I love that you care enough to ask. And I love talking about this stuff. And I know that this is really like my one chance to just strut around being bridey and spewing taffeta out of my palms like Spiderman does with webs (spew spew!), but to be honest, I'm just trying to do my best to make sure everyone is happy and that at the end of this all, the beau still wants to walk down that aisle with me... or some variation thereof. As long as we end up married, it'll be the best day ever.

If face masks are the key to a practical wedding, I'm on board. 
Pass the frickin' avocados! 

* And yeah, of course I want to look good in the dress, too. I'm not a fucking monster.
** For the record, the titular song of this post, Going to the Chapel, makes me bawl like a baby. In the mountains of Colorado, myself and the other bridesmaids piled into a van, lovingly driven by my dear friend's brother-in-law. It was her big day, and we were on our way, and he popped on that song as a ha-ha-how-perfect tune, and I promptly started tearing up, because my girl was getting married. She'd found the love of her life and I was so happy for her, and so sad for me because that meant our relationship would forever be altered as well. AKA I was a glass case of emotion. Still am. To this day. Because their happiness makes my little heart explode. 
*** Though I'd love to just take photos in a cathedral, but you know, that dream can die. 

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

We spend all our lives developing and nurturing relationships. Some are fleeting or tumultuous. Others come in and out. Then there are those that last for years and years, but change over time. Most are not constant. Save for one. The most important one. I'm not talking about finding the one. I'm talking about the one that you can never truly get away from. It's that person who I've been in a relationship with for the past thirty years.... myself.

It's that me, that she, that's been having a hard time this past month. Because this is it. We're done. There's a beautiful shiny rock on a very important finger now, which means it's time for one final breakup - with any luck, the last breakup I'll ever have in this lifetime* - the divorce from my singledom.

***Let me preface this by saying I literally could not be happier to be starting this new adventure with the ridiculously wonderful man who has agreed to stick by me for, you know, eternity. I'm stupid lucky to have found him. BUT, being engaged does not mean that the only emotion you're allowed to feel is giddy giddy joy joy all the time. So, just let me get this lament out and if you'd rather hear the glowing rosy-eyed bride-to-be ravings, I'm sure those will come later. For now you get a scatter-brained panic, because that's how my brain feels.***

Don't get me wrong, I know this all is going to sound terribly melodramatic. I'm not losing a leg, or moving abroad, or switching jobs, or altering my gender, or dying here - nothing so hectic as all that. I'm just getting married. It's just a name on a piece of paper really.... right?

What is in a name?

But that's just it. It's my name. A name that I've built an identity around my entire life. It's silly that a few letters (or in my case, a lot of frickin' letters) can form such a core identity, but they really do. It's that long last name that spun off into countless nicknames, and awkward explanations of how to attempt to pronounce it. It's a name that most of my friends probably still can't say, which settled me into my position as just "Gina K." That last name immediately signals my heritage (it's so German that it literally is wearing lederhosen and chugging a litre of beer) and anchors me to my family.

It's a name that's also coming to an end. Unless my sister decides to keep our name and pass it to her children, there won't be a next generation. It will become just an archaic reference on someone's family tree some day. There won't be anyone walking around proudly carrying it with. (Then, you can sure bet that there really will be no one who can pronounce it!) And the thought of that kind of makes my heart hurt a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking: I'm the one opting to make that name change, so if it really bothers me, I don't have to do it. But, I do want to. It's a symbol that we're a new little family. That we're merging those branches together. I'll be proud to don that new last name - and thrilled to get some ambiguity going forward - but that change is a mental hurdle that I'm still working on getting over. I have a long time before I have to properly face said hurdle. Right now I'm getting a running start, so later I don't just barrel straight into it and end up a crumpled, crying mess on the ground.

Who the heck even am I?

It's all a part of the mental shift. There's a new constant, now. It's not just me: it's we.

How do you like THEM apples?? ... I like them fine, thanks.

Never fear: I'll still fight against being pigeon-holed into just specific titles (see rant #9). But, as much as I might argue that I get to be just-the-same-as-I-ever-was-thankyaverymuch, it really is true that marriage does fundamentally change something. Besides literally changing my name, I'm changing my perspective on the future.

As I evolved from a scrappy trailer-park kid, to a painfully nerdy band geek student, to an aggressively-social-butterfly, to an independent career-girl, I was by and large single. And to be honest, I was good at it. Yes, I had loving family and friends who had my back, but on a whole I was solely responsible for the outcome of my life. My decisions and their consequences were all on me. So if I messed up, it was just me who was impacted. If I was poor, it was okay because I only had one mouth to feed. It was all on my shoulders. I decided what took priority, and how to spend my time and money. Just me...

Even though we've been together for almost five years now, I still was always cautious about the potential of reverting to that single status. When we moved in, I  kept my pots and utensils. I made sure I was financially secure enough to go solo again at any point. I didn't get rid of all my furniture. I knew exactly which friends had a couch I could crash on... just in case. I lived life in "just in case" mode.

Because, let's be real, relationships can just end on a dime. I could've come home any day from work to find him gone for no good reason. Because even though you care, a relationship isn't set in stone. It's a loose knit that can unravel fairly quickly.

This is it. Don't get scared now. 

Marriage ups the ante. It ties big old knots into that loose knit. It's more binding. Sure, marriages still do end sometimes, but divorce is messy and expensive. If you want out, it takes a lot more effort. That's why (most) people don't enter into this legal union lightly. And it's not like we are, and it's not like this wasn't building up for awhile - I'm not shocked and suddenly having to come to grips with this identity change. This wasn't something we rushed.** I guess I just didn't realize that my obnoxious last name and single-status meant so much to my wonky brain.

So here's where that leaves me.... a bride-to-be, having a quiet meltdown / identity crisis while trying to keep a good poker face. Mentally preparing to go all in on this big bet, and hoping that this two-of-a-kind is enough to win. This doesn't feel like a gamble. It feels like a sure thing. Besides, my cards are all on the table at this point, and there's no going back now. I have no regrets about how I've played the game up to this moment, and no regrets about how it will all turn out. Because you can't win if you don't play. And the prize is happily-ever-after.

In it to win it...

* Yes, I did bust out all the best breakup songs. Because even if breakups suck, there is nothing more cathartic than openly sobbing in ones car will blaring "I will always love you" or "It must've been love" or some other sap anthem. Anyone who has never had one of those moments has lived their life at half emotional capacity. 
** I managed to keep conversation about marriage pretty practical and non-threatening. No major ultimatums were made. My fiancé never came home to me laying in a pile of wedding magazines and taffeta fabric samples with "Wedding Bell Blues" on repeat and "Say Yes to the Dress" queued up on the TV, wearing a "Why aren't we engaged yet?" t-shirt. No offense to the forward-thinking women who made such displays, it just wasn't my style. 
*** Also, for the record, getting married will not make me get off my feminist soap box. I'm gaining a legal life partner here, not a master. So while my mental title shift to be a little less 'Miss Independent' and a little more 'Mrs. Woman of Her Own Mind' - don't expect too much else to change in terms of my attitude on gender roles and contributions to a household, loves.