Wear It Out

While I was debating how to kick off the new year (making my list and checking it twice), I knew it was time for another paring down. The kind that usually only happens with a psychical relocation of homesteads. Why? Because, no matter how many times I streamline my clothes, there always seem to be just too many.

No, this is not a Marie Kondo story. As a woman who is both crippled by, and terrified of, a lack of variety, the whole "spark joy" shit doesn't work for me. I can convince myself that just about anything brings me joy (#womansburden), so that system just isn't going to help me get rid of anything. If anything, it makes me less likely to get rid of things, since I'm a sentimental schmuck who can sob over a ripped pair of pants from middle school and tell you a long-winded story about just how they shaped my life and made me who I am today.

Instead, this is the tale of my personal tried-and-true method that has served me well through several previous purges: a good old fashioned WEAR THROUGH. Here's how it works...

First, make sure you have access to your full wardrobe. That means laundry is fully done, and any "seasonal" or "sentimental" stuff you have tucked away is pulled out. Depending on season, this should also include a going through of coats and footwear, but that's a bit trickier depending where you live (sorry but my flip flops have no place in a Wisconsin winter).

Next, pick a day to start. From that point on, don't repeat your clothes. I'm not talking about not repeating outfits, but instead not repeating individual articles. This also includes every sock, cami, scarf, bra, set of PJs, bit of workout clothing, etc. Nothing should be spared. Each and every stitch is to be worn, either as a last hurrah or as an acknowledgement that its still a vital piece of attire. You cannot start repeating pieces until everything has been worn through. To be honest, the first things to repeat will be pants usually (most people have way more tops than bottoms), but again, not until all have been worn first. Once something is worn it should be washed and then tucked away into a tote / separate drawer, a clothing purgatory.

And there they'll stay until I've made it through the lot of them!

During this process you will have clothing in four states:

1. On the Rack :: yet to be worn
2. Laundry Limbo :: worn and not yet laundered
3. Clothing Purgatory :: worn, washed, and in your hideaway box 
4. Departures :: things you're not keeping

How does this play out? Usually I end up wearing my favorites that I always wear first, and then spiral into a wacky array. This time around, I purposefully dug into the archives first. You can pick whatever strategy you want!

On the Rack
Right off the bat, it's a 2-in-3 shot at survival :

1. You pull that shirt out of the back of the closet and go "Oh, I love this! I forgot I even had it!" and you wear it. Then it goes to laundry limbo.
2. You look at it and wonder why you even still have it, or decide it's not your size/style anymore. In this case - put it immediately into the departures pile. 
3. Or, less drastic, you just don't feel like wearing it on this particular day. Yes, you can keep it on the rack and come back to it another day, BUT if you keep finding yourself going back to it and deciding "not today" well, then maybe it just needs to go, honey. 

As you move along, you'll have to start getting more creative with how to pair up clothes to not repeat pieces. Depending on the volumes of the different types of garments, some things will repeat sooner. For example, if you only have five pairs of pants and socks, but have twenty shirts - well, the pants and socks will start repeating sooner. Or if it's winter and you have a lot of sleeveless, well, you'll need to eventually repeat cardigans or blazers to wear with them... eventually. The goal is to go as long as you can without repeating, and once you do have to repeat something, it stays in this cycle until everything is totally gone through.
Laundry Limbo Once you've worn something, it's got a 50/50 chance:

1. You wore it, remembered how much you loved it, and know that you'd like to continue to have it in your rotation. Pop it into the laundry basket! It's going to get all fresh and clean for a future wear!
2. After wearing it, you remember why you hadn't worn it lately. The cut it slightly uncomfortable. It's too tight in certain places (looking at you, blouses with the boob gap!). There's something worn out, or a lost button that you'll never recover, or something that needs mending that you just know you'll never take care of. It's a sweater that's since gotten pilly. There just isn't a scenario you'd find yourself wanting to wear it in very often (hello, clubbing clothes - you were staples in the 20s but now are just too uncomfortable to bother with). Etc Etc. Whatever it is, it's time to part ways. If it needs to be actually disposed of, try and re-purpose it for a rag/cleaning cloth or something before tossing (save the planet). If you're planning to donate or sell it, then wash it up but make sure it finds its way to the departures pile after. 

Clothing Purgatory

Congrats, clothes, you've made it this far! You've been worn, washed, and loved. Now, put these away into a "can't touch this" box, tote or drawer. Somewhere you can't even start looking until after you're run out of an essential element. Yep, ever panty, sock, shirt, and scarf, all of it gets tucked away. Once you do start needing to repeat (because you've run out of socks), be mindful of what it is you're pulling out to wear again. If it's something that's your first pick, it's pretty safe to say it's something worth keeping around. If you realize there's something you just don't want to pull out again, because it really only works by itself and with nothing else, or because you've second guessed in general - then it goes to departures. 

Once you've hit the final piece of clothing, and have gone through your goal of wearing everything - this is the perfect time for a fresh start in your closet or dresser! 

• Wipe down all surfaces, dust, and tidy up overall. You're putting everything back into this empty space, so make sure it's clean first. (How often do you wipe down drawers otherwise, honestly? Take advantage of the emptiness!) 
• Get rid of shitty hangers and decide how you want to organize things. 
• If you have some pieces that you decided you need to keep for sentimental reasons , but just won't wear regularly - give them a separate home that is not in the way of your daily wardrobe.  
• If you have some of those "skinny jeans" or "walrus sweats" that you just need to keep to torture yourself, also tuck those away. And leave a note on that box with the date. Next time you see it, if it's been more than six months, if that stuff still doesn't fit - it's time. That ship has sailed. (Unless you're like, pregnant. Maybe just don't do any of this while pregnant??)

Past Gina is a kind and ruthless bitch

Then reorg and put everything back into its new home! All your clothes are wearable, clean, and ready to be picked out to wear any old time!

Departures

This group of misfit toys is washed and clean, and ready to move on to a new home. 

• Anything to be tossed should've already been gone.
• If you're planning to donate, give a shout out to some friends or family first, see if they want to dig through for some freebies! Or, if you don't want to deal with that coordination, see if any of them could go to better use than just hitting a Goodwill rack - look up a local woman's shelter, or see if any of your work clothes can go to underprivileged folks (re)joining the workforce (interview clothes can be pricey!). 
• If you're planning to try and sell your stuff (on Poshmark or the like), don't put it off! Get photos taken and get those clothes posted up right away! If it doesn't sell within a month, move on. If you're saving clothes for a garage sale in the spring or something, put them aside and out of the way, but also leave a note with the date - if you realize two years later that that box is still there, it's time to donate. 

And that's all there is to it! The whole point is to make an effort to see what you really still like to wear and what's applicable to wear based on the life you're living. Don't spend a dime on anything new, just  wear what you already have. Wear. It. All. In the end, you'll have streamlined and learned to understand what you've got. It's day 44 for me on this wear through, and I've not had a duplicate outfit yet (except for pants). And I have oh-so-many more clothes to go. Really, I almost feel bad seeing how many clothes I have, and some that originally made it through to clothing purgatory have since been reassigned to departures (you know, when you realize you have three black tees and probably only need one). The bright side to this situation: approximately 90% of my clothes were thrifted originally,* so in general I didn't spend much money to obtain the collection I have AND they've already had two+ good lives. I hope they have many more lives after their time spent with me, and that my old friends enjoy their new homes. 

Hello, my vibrant friends! Let's see if you've run your course,
or if you've got a few more laps in you yet!

* Or I got for free using my Gap Cash - see my long footnote rant here for how much I love that effin' Gap Cash! 

It's Amazing the Clarity that Comes with Psychotic Jealousy

There are certain movies that I've seen, shall we say, too many times. The kind of movie that I used to casually put on, like someone else might turn on the radio. "My Best Friend's Wedding" was in that rotation. I even had the soundtrack on CD in high school. It's the kind of film where, when explaining the plot to people, I speak as though the cast of characters are actually close friends of mine in real life (You know, my BFF Jules...aka Julie Roberts).

At just over twenty years old, this seminal classic continues to kick ass and take names. Since it's Valentine's week (and, more importantly, the beau has been on second shift so I've had free reign on the TV!) naturally I heard the sweet, sing-songy little prayer of a film calling my name. And since I'm engaged, I've been working my way through every frickin' wedding adjacent film I've ever seen in my life - that is my version of wedding "planning" right now. That's the plateau I'm at. It is my g'damn right as a bride-to-be to wallow in rom-coms, sobbing into popcorn - this is the hill I want to die on.

ANYWHO, re-watching this gem, I'm reminded of some of the endearing life lessons, heart-wrenching scenes that will never not crush me, and the staggering confusion that I still have.

1. WHAT the ACTUAL fuck? In the opening 10 minutes, the groom-to-be (hereafter "Michael") has called his long time "BEST friend" (of NINE years - hereafter referred to by her Christian name "Julie fucking Roberts" or her film name "Jules") to ask her to be a part of his FOUR day long wedding. He is calling her on a WEDNESDAY when the wedding is SUNDAY. First off... how frickin' rude man. A four day long event? You've obviously been planning for some time and apparently have only been trying to call your best friend for a month now to get her to attend? Where were the save the dates? The invites? Or, better yet, you probably got engaged months prior and never even left a general "Hey, btw, I'm engaged" voicemail? This is such a prime example of the inconsiderate male archetype. A bro just figuring he could tell her whenever, because of course no matter how short of notice she'll be there for him. Prime example of taking advantage and being an inconsiderate asshole.*
2. AND ANOTHER THING! As a woman about to get married, I can honestly say that if my fiancé turned up a "best friend" who looked like Julia Roberts a few days before the wedding, I'd have some serious frickin' questions. (Granted, if I looked like Cameron Diaz, I mean... I guess maybe I'd be cool and all "hey girl, hey" I suppose?)
3. LOL WHAT? Oh, those two best friends (during one of their numerous hot nights), they made a pact at age 22 that if they weren't married by 28, they'd marry each other? Yeah, that sounds like a very 22 year old thing to do. The more realistic version of this "romantic pact" scenario is probably more along the lines of "Hey, you've got good hair... if I'm not married by the time I'm 40, can I use some of your sperm for an egg I've got frozen in this mini fridge under my desk...." or "Hey, if we're not married by 45, let's agree to not let each other have more than four cats."
4. THROWBACK. Some of the most heart tweaking moments are laughably 90s. When they're at the airport and Michael can basically come straight to Julia Robert's gate? Oh, pre-9/11, how we miss you! And later, when Jules is stress-smoking in the hotel hallway (as Michael is "calling off the wedding" ish) and Paul Giamatti has to explain that she's not just in a non-smoking room, but it's a non-smoking floor. HA, because remember having to specify that you wanted a non-smoking room at a hotel?
5. MELT. Speaking of that airport scene. It's the intro scene for Michael's smirk. Michael's smirk stars as the leading man in this film. He doesn't really have much charisma otherwise, but Christ almighty can that man's smirk melt a room. 
6. FOR THE RECORD. Julia Roberts was a just few years younger than I am now while filming this movie. She was around 30 when it released. Cameron Diaz was 25 (playing a 20 year old but that's neither here nor there).** There will never be a time in my life again where I can watch this movie and say "that could be me some day" because that ship has SAILED my friends, with the crop tops blowing in the wind. 
7. UM HOW? How is Julia Roberts such a revered food critic by age 28? Chalk it up for yet another film that set unrealistic expectations for me about how successful I'd be in the workplace in my twenties.
8. MIXED SIGNALS. Can anyone call Michael the "good guy" in this movie? NO. Sure, Julia Roberts does some awful shit, but she wouldn't have gone down that eight-shades-of-crazy path if it weren't for Michael being a ridiculous tease and sending her mixed messages. The quintessential "man doesn't understand changing dynamic of relationship and how it might be difficult for his best friend who's been the main woman in his life for almost a decade" moment is when Michael walks in on Jules in her skimmies (looking fine AF) is like "Oh come on, I've seen you a lot more naked than that..." and is all "You look great naked." UM, excuse me, you're about to get married, sir! How is it appropriate for you to lurk around dressing rooms ogling your ex?? Don't tell her you need her and you're jealous of her fake-gay-fiancé and all that junk, man, it's just cruel - you can tell the impact it's having on her if you're any sort of "friend" at all. 
9. POWER MOVES. Even though she's a precious sweet, Jackie O sort in this movie, Cameron Diaz is absolutely terrifying. She knows the stakes here and she's not messing around. Her awkward karaoke and random bits of crying are just strategy. After barely a few hours with Jules, she throws down a power play and TRAPS Julia Roberts in a janky elevator to let her know that she's coming out on top of this, and she's already taken the high road and knows the reality of the situation enough to see that they have to be BFFs, or Jules has to die (plot twist: when a rom-com turns into a murder mystery as the best friend who just got into town dies in a bizarre elevator accident). Cameron isn't going to be pushed around. Shortly thereafter, Jules brings on her own A game. (Julia Roberts by definition IS the A game in life.) Her at that baseball game? Creepily workin' the dads, bosses and nerdy little brother just to make a point that she's still got it? A bit awkward, but SLAY girl! (Apparently that's what gets Michael's attention - the creep.)
10. BUT FOR REALS. The karaoke scene is painful. Cameron just tries so hard. But seriously though, if anyone ever tried to make me do karaoke against my will, I'd not be graceful and precious about it. I'd probably make a mean scene. 
11. THE ELEPHANT. The whole "offer him a real job with my daddy's company so he's more of an adult" wrench that Julia tries to throw in this whole "happily ever after" plan? I mean, it's legit. Yes, it's just a plot device to cause tension, but really, why the eff are they getting married when they're so obviously on different pages about this whole "our future life together" thing?? Though Jules is using this to pry the couple apart, the scenes where she is concocting the scheme with Cameron are strangely enough, total boss lady bonding scenes. The proposal Cameron makes to Michael does make sense. But of course, the only time he shows any fire (besides whilst gawking at Jules in a fitting room) is to be a dick about it. Oh, he loves his current low-paying gig? Doesn't want to be a sell-out and take an "establishment" job?? So his bride-to-be has to quit her schooling and leave her family and run around the country with his shitty job? With no security financially and living in a constant state of flux? Um, yes, he is a sensitive sexist asshole about it - his words. HIS words. And by that scene, I'm struggling to remember why these two gorgeous woman are vying for the affections of this one man, whose only good qualities seem to be his hair, his smirk, and his ability to remember inside jokes (which he constantly references - again, without realizing how uncomfortable he's making his lady love).  
12. WHAT IS THE BILL FOR A MUSICAL NUMBER? After all the ruckus they caused at that rehearsal dinner, and all the "Say a Little Prayer" sing-along-ing, did they at least bother to tip well? Because I sure hope they did. I'd hate to be a waitress carrying a tray of drinks and have some soprano wearing foam lobster claws flailing around. Danger in the workplace, y'all. 
13. REALITY CHECK. Speaking of the real star of the film, gay BFF George is the only source of sanity in the whole movie. He is the voice of reason (literally, as Julia calls him repeatedly for insight). He immediately calls her out, asking if she really loves Michael at all, or if she just wants to win at this point. Because, fair. She had nine years to chase this man, but "didn't realize how great he was til it was too late?" Nope, I don't believe that shit, he's the same vanilla man he was before, she just is jealous and wants to be loved (fair, but like, he didn't suddenly become great is all I'm saying). When the movie is EXACTLY half way through, George lays down some hard truths and let's Julia know "he'll chose Kimmy" and that she should just prepare to say goodbye and accept this new reality. Literally cut to closing scene. George is right. Jules has to come to it on her own terms (via grand theft auto of a bread truck), but the writing was on the wall.
14. DEAD, I'M DEAD. Despite my dislike of Michael at this point, the second half of the movie is the accumulation of all the feels and tears. Because we already heard from Nostradamus-George how the movie will end, watching it play out is just a gut punch. Knowing she'll fail, but watching her try to fight, ugh. Just UGH. That culminates at the "afternoon alone together" where they're on a boat tour through downtown Chicago, and Michael perfectly lays out an opportunity for Julia to confess her love. They go under the bridge, every woman in America hysterically screams at the screen for Julia to just say something... BUT SHE DOESN'T, because she knows she's not going to win, and can't admit it knowing the outcome. And then he starts singing "Just the Way You Look Tonight" while Julia silently cries.... SOB. Just SOB.
15. SMOLDER. That PG-13 rating is solely for the scene where he takes the ring off using his mouth. No further comment needed. Holy inappropriately seductive move, Batman.
16. ACTUALLY THOUGH. I have seen women fight in public restrooms before. Audience participation is a thing. That scene, besides its perfect scripting, was just as dramatic and over-the-top as the real deal. 
17. MY HEART HAS BEEN RIPPED OUT AND STOMPED ON. So, as George predicted, Julia does the "right" thing: let's the shitty couple have each other and get married. She stands proud in her ridiculous lilac ballgown, makes an endearing speech, and even "loans" them that song that Michael stabbed her in the heart with while they were on that boat tour.*** You think the emotional gamut is fully run, and let your guard down. YOU FOOL. Cue the "departure" scene, where the happy couple runs away from their own wedding (to go to a baseball game or something dumb, presumably), as Julia watches her best friend literally skip out of her life. Forgotten, abandoned, she takes a turn, knowing that this is her emotional burden and accepting that it's time to finally move on.... And THERE is your dagger! Michael comes back for a hug, and a goodbye. I didn't see this as a thoughtful gesture. I saw it as one more power move. He gets the last word. The final goodbye. He can't just let her just move on. He has to insert himself into her life and keep her on the line. I expect this emotional torture to continue for years to come.
18. BRB, STILL WEEPING. Who could any one forget the final phone exchange with George?Supportive, dashing, full of wisdom - the real best friend of the film. The one who will help Jules pick up those pieces. 

So, despite my growing dislike for Dermot Mulroney, will I continue to come back to this film for years to come? Can I forgive it its flaws, and accept its unforgivably endearing cast just as they are? Can I love again? Yes. Because, life goes on. (And by god, at some point, there will be dancing!)

Can one literally wear out a DVD? Time will surely tell.

* Although, I have heard the counter argument that Michael didn't reach out sooner because he knew how strong his feelings were for Jules, but really wanted it to work with his new fling so he didn't want the distraction of his long-term old fling. And didn't want to put his new bang in an awkward situation. He knew he'd revert to loving the ginger. So, to avoid having to face any actual feelings, seeing what a good thing he could have with this blondie, he just decided to avoid his friend like the plague and secretly hoped she wouldn't be around at all. IS THAT BETTER THOUGH?! NO. Still awful. 

** Random aside: in 1997, Cameron Diaz also starred in one of my other fave rom-coms, "A Life Less Ordinary." She was alongside Ewan McGregor, and it's an oddball diamond in the rough. Why have you not heard of it?? Oh, well, because another (rom-com-ish) film released around the same time. A little movie called "Titanic" - and it wrecked everything else. (Get it, like...a ship wreck? Maybe? Too soon?)
*** All while the family members smile on, seemingly oblivious to literally all the shenanigans of the film. "That's just the quirky MOH, running about, no big deal." and "Kids these days!" they proclaim. This is a vital life lesson for weddings: most people won't know when shit goes wrong, so never tell. Never.