This feeling? It's unjustified. I'm literally thrilled about our upcoming nuptials. And nothing has gone (too) awry during the planning process so far (only a few minor hiccups). Things are chugging along, perfectly to plan, as we've slide quietly into the double-digits for our countdown. So really, what's to worry about?
Expectations. That's what.
Luckily, I was not the kind of gal who grew up with a hope chest stuffed with trinkets and collages of my dream wedding. So, any expectations I have of what our "big day" will look like have been formed only in the past eight months. They've formed very rapidly, based on things like: excessive online searching, boatloads of (mostly unsolicited) advice, years of attending weddings, anything I've seen that looked pretty, and... based on what I think is expected of us.
Most brides, in retrospective, will tell you not to gear your wedding towards the whims of others. "It's YOUR day," they preach, after the fact. And yet, we all know full well it's happening during the planning process, whether consciously or not. We picked our venue based on accessibility and proximity to hotels for our large number of out of town guests. We're doing it all at one location for convenience. We sent out paper invitations (sorry, environment/wallet) because we have plenty of guests who aren't entirely technologically savvy (though I did stick to my guns on the online RSVPs - we'll see how that plays out!). Throughout, we've made tiny adjustments to help check certain boxes, and most of them I haven't minded one bit.
The expectation that's getting to me isn't that our venue or food or centerpieces will somehow disappoint our guests (though that thought is hiding in the dark recesses of my mind and will probably cause a sleepless night in a month or so here). It's not that I think we'll upset someone by having the damn Cupid Shuffle on our "Do Not Play" list (it is - get over it). Honestly, the guest expectations vs reality are just something I know I can't control, so I've settled for trying to just throw a damn fun party and hope everyone has a good time.
What's getting to me is the expectations I'm putting on myself.
- I'm trying to do as much of the planning and logistics as I can by myself. Plenty of people have offered to help, but I usually casually thank away assistance. Maybe it's just that I like having control and I'm constantly worrying that someone else will do something wrong and I'll have to be upset at them (and I don't want to be that ungrateful person). Would everyone do just fine and would their help be great? Yes. But not two days ago I was pestering the beau about how he was licking envelopes incorrectly, so clearly I've got it stuck in my head that if I'm not doing it, it's not getting done. And that's what a bride does. What she is supposed to do. Plan. Go over every detail. Do nothing but wedding things for the entire engagement. Think nothing but wedding thoughts. I'm trying to fill that role, and be that expectation of a bride.
- The dress is stressing me out. I feel like I somehow didn't do it right by not having some epiphany moment like "There it is, THE dress!" The skies didn't open up, my life didn't change, it was just a pretty dress for a good price and I liked it so I got it. I didn't spend weeks of my life pillaging around various stores, I didn't pour my soul into the quest for the dress. I casually went to check out a place with my mom, when I hadn't even started looking yet, tried on a handful of dresses and said, "Okay, cool, this'll do." And now I'm in the alteration process in a panic: what if it doesn't give me that oh-ah bride feeling after I've paid for alterations? (And does it have to? Can't I just feel pretty and not like it's the most gorgeous I'll ever be? Am I a hideous beast monster in any other outfit?) What if everyone looks at me in it and gives that silent judgement, thinking I could've chosen better? What if I don't get my posture in order fast enough and look like a hunchback in all the photos? And most importantly, what if I did chose wrong and the dress fails in a big way and I can't frickin' dance in it?? I'm trying to look the part.
- This is all building up to what a lot of people call "the best day" of their lives. I'd really like to think that there will be many more best days ahead of me, but if this really is it, if this day is the pinnacle, well then I want it to be fan-frickin-tastic! But with all that hype, what comes after? Shouldn't the marriage (albeit less expensive) feel just as shiny and exciting as the wedding?? Can't it just be a really fun day, where I get to publicly hitch my wagon to his, to kick off a even more fun lifetime together? I'm trying not to put too much pressure on one day.
- I should be able to mitigate every little drama, minimize uncertainty and stress for the guests, and ensure everything is super smooth for all those involved. There should be no detail I haven't thought of, no scenario I haven't prepared a solution for, no risks for failure. Only good memories should remain for anyone near this process, any stressors I can just take on. I'm trying to be the perfect hostess.
- I want to make sure everyone feels valued and like their thoughts and opinions are heard. I worry that I counter suggestions too quickly and people will instantly think I'm a bridezilla. I try not to have strong opinions for the same reason. I use phrases like, "We haven't decided yet" or "Honey, let's talk through that more later" to avoid disagreements. When people ask how the planning is going, I give a polite smile and say a quip like "I have a lot of opinions on table clothes now!" or "It's moving right along, big day is almost here!" even if I'm in full on crisis mode. I'm trying not to get labelled anything other than "happy bride-to-be."
- I've been avoiding many of the people who we aren't inviting. I don't want to have them ask about the wedding and to feel bad - because I genuinely would love to have each and every person who has every played a role in making me the person I am today be there; every individual who has built us up as a couple; everyone who makes us smile. But we can't, and it literally breaks my heart to think that I won't see every single one of those faces on my wedding day. So even though they care and mean well and just want to see how planning is going and how my life is, I feel so bad that I don't even want them to ask. I don't want them to feel like a lack of invite minimizes our relationship and that I don't care or they somehow didn't merit. I'm trying not to let anyone down.
- With my real job, all the chaos of life, and doing all the wedding things : my time is limited. I've been visibly lacking in social settings and unavailable at times. I've not stayed in touch as well as normal and have been struggling to keep the calendar balanced and my sanity in check. More than ever, I've also been attempting to carve out "me time" because I know stress needs to be mitigated, and I'm getting increasingly angry when I don't get time for it because of too many questions or to-do's coming my way. I'm trying to find balance.
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| I got 99 problems, and the bride's number one! |
* Or at least, that was my situation when I started writing this post....several months ago. Funny how it's somehow still my situation, it just takes me ten times longer to accomplish things than normal because I'm constantly having to shift my focus. That's life though? #bridelife?
