BabyMama Part Deux?

The only thing people are more persistent about asking than "When are you having kids?" is "When are you having another one?" Every time this question is even alluded to, my brain has a loud shrieking warning bell, my body visually tenses, and honestly, I panic a bit. So, let's dig in on the very personal topic of the second child. 

The usual disclaimers apply here: this is from the perspective of a healthy, white, middleclass, cisgender woman, with a supportive partner, family, and friends. We did not have any complexities in getting pregnant the first time, my pregnancy/labor were all fairly normal, and in all these things we are very lucky. All of this colors the convo around a second. Also, none of these points are insurmountable - I'm not saying we will or won't have one more - these are just the stressors my brain is going through when debating the topic. While I'm focusing on the anxieties more than the benefits/good bits, that doesn't mean there aren't any. And of course: zero judgements if you're Team No Kids, a One and Done fam, or building your own Brady Bunch - you do you! (And my heart goes out if you have bodily or other limitations that prevent you from growing your family the way you want to - love you.)

Baseline: kids were never in my "life plan" (more on that here). But once it was decided that we'd give it a go, we were a "Zero or Two" household. We'd try, and if it didn't work out, we'd be okay sans babies. But if it did: we'd like to have two. ('Two' being an easy thing to say when you haven't yet experienced birthing and parenting one.) And in November 2021, we had our beautiful baby girl. 

The primary thing that makes me most worried about having a second is that little girl. 

• During my first pregnancy, I had an overwhelming fear of not surviving labor, of something going wrong. In that scenario, I'd have left behind my husband and (hopefully) newborn child. Now that I've met that child, the thought of voluntarily doing anything that might cause me to have fewer years on this earth with her absolutely cripples me. Why would I ever put myself at such risk and be so selfish as to potentially leave her?*
• Our wee bébé is pretty much my whole damn world. Yes, I'm a working mom and have other things in life I care about / put my time towards, but, she is where I want to put the majority of my energy. She gets the best of me. I want her to always feel like I'm there for her, that she has my full support. Right now I am and she does, but that dynamic obviously will have to shift if another piece of my heart comes out into this world. My time will be divided. And I know that it's just a matter of adapting and finding a new groove as an expanded family unit, I get it. But it WILL be different. It WILL change how our trio is right now, and it hurts my heart to think about our sweet girl feeling any stress during that transition. About her not having my undivided attention. About her feeling second fiddle to someone else. 
• Even silly stuff like: will her room stay a nursery while she moves to a new room? Or is the current nursery her room, and her room forever? How's she going to feel about sharing her space and having some small creature screaming in the night??
• What if they are the kind of siblings who fight all the time? Or are totally different in a way that requires completely different parenting styles? 
• The longer we wait, will it become more difficult for our oldest? To adapt to the change and with being 'close' to their brother/sister?

And what about them, the new bébé ?

• What if (knock on wood) bébé deux is born with some extra nuance (genetically or physically) that requires a lot of additional support? (Also, how does that impact our relationship with our oldest?)
• I don't even want to say this one out loud and jinx things but... what if there's more than one heartbeat in there?? What if we mean to have a second and end up with a BOGO situation? That would literally flip our lives upside down way more than I'm mentally prepared for. FUN FACT: the odds of having twins/multiples increases with maternal age. Scientifically it's something to do with increased production of FSH, but in my personal laymen's terms: your aging lady bits get confused and be like, "Did I already drop an egg this round? I can't remember, better drop another one just in cases!" 
• The temperament and needs of each new human are so unique. What if we end up with a very colicky baby? What if they'll only contact nap? What if they are just a jerk and hate us? 
• And of course, the big existential questions can't help but loom... Looking at the current socio-political-environmental landscape of our planet... what kind of hellscape am I bringing this new life into? What hardships will they have to face with increasingly draconian laws being passed? With a planet that is being destroyed? With increasing competition over resources and wealth? Is it almost irresponsible to add another headcount to this world?

The next is me. I'm the problem, it's me. 

• My fucking career. You know, the thing that I prioritized during my young adulthood so heavily. How does that balance with an additional member of our household? Would one of us quit the workforce to be a full time parent because the cost of daycare is so exorbitant - and would that be me? AND what if I get laid off or what to switch jobs? There are plenty of companies with way better (and way worse) maternity leave benefits than what I got at my current employer, but there are also many where you don't get access to those benefits until you've been with them for a certain time period (many six months, a year, or even longer!) - so if I need, want, or am forced to switch jobs, how does that fit in with our family planning in order to have access to benefits?? ('Murricaaaaa the not-so-great.) And, will that job offer the flexibility I have now, which I've had to rely on frequently when our little one has been sick or daycare has been closed? 
• Pregnancy: 
• This uterus ain't getting any younger. What if this time we struggle to conceive, like SO many do? What if we go through the heartbreak of a miscarriage? What if that ovarian cyst I had last time decides to inflate again and causes issues? Did we get off "too easy" the first time, so this pregnancy will be total hell (plus a bouncing toddler)?
• The idea of putting my body through the marathon that is a nine month pregnancy again is... chilling. The rearranging of my organs, stretching of my body, weight gain, heartburn, all of it. The discomfort mixed with aging doesn't sound fun. I'd want my body to be strong and ready to tackle this again, but, I know I need to do a lot of work to get there.
• Aw man, the hormones. I don't think mine every rebalanced after my last pregnancy - I'm still a weepy mess at the slightest sadness (or happiness). Not to mention the anxiety. 
• The repeal of Roe v Wade. Ectopic pregnancy risks. Access to essential reproductive healthcare. It all weighs heavily on my mind.** As mentioned above (not just for my child and husband, but also for me): I do not want to die due to pregnancy. And I especially don't want to die because of some outdated law limiting my access to necessary medical services. 
• Labor/Delivery: they say the human race has expanded purely due to women "forgetting" about all the bad bits of labor. LOL well, I remember them, so. Here we are. I didn't have a terribly traumatic birth compared to many (luckily), but I won't pretend it wasn't somewhat traumatic for me. And what if this time it's worse? What if this time I end up with a C-Section and totally different kind of recovery? 
• Postpartum: 
• See anxiety and hormones note above.
• What does that even look like with a toddler in the mix?! A newborn is a LOT of work, plus we already have a little darling who is a lot of work. I know people do this every day, but, my brain is just thinking of how exhausting that will be and it feels really stressful. Especially if I breastfeed again (if I can - who knows if).
• Being a parent is hard. It's the hardest (albeit most rewarding) thing I've literally ever done. It's like having a hobby that you're obsessed with (like Crossfit) and it's all-consuming. My identity as 'me' is already blurry as I morphed into 'wife' and then 'mother.' It's hard to settle into a new 'me' with a little-little one, and having another just delays the time it will take me to re-find myself maybe.... And maybe that's not a bad thing? I like my mom-ness. But, it's a thing. It's a difficult thing to process the complete change to your identity when you're so focused on someone else's needs over yours.
• There's also the whole having to kind of sacrifice my bodily autonomy for an extended period of time. First in sharing my body with another human (with my womb playing the role of apartment) and then when breastfeeding (because what I ingest is still being ingested by another human, as their sole food source). My choices are heavily influenced by another, instead of just doing whatever I want with my body. And again, not to say that any of this is wrong, it just...is. While I'm so used to do this already, is it best just to jump right back in now before I get to used to exercising my bodily freewill again? (I don't want to give up ibuprofen and Nyquil again - there, I said it!!)

Also: this is us.

• Besides our dynamic as a trio, there's the core foundation of my husband and me. It feels like we just got into a legit schedule (we fully sleep at night, everything is grooving), and this will just throw a big wrench back in things. Right now we're able to tag team household stuff and toddler watch, so we each get a reprieve throughout the day/night. With two, will we just have to... divide and conquer? Will we just live on separate tracks, each with one child, for a year or so? Having one child completely upended our lifestyle : will that just hit doubly so with another? How far apart do my husband and I drift as we weather the transitional storm - or are we made all the closer, clinging to a life raft, getting beat by waves of toddler attitude plus newborn cries?
• Monnneyyy honnneeey. Anyone who whines "but don't you want your child to have a playmate??"*** when pushing for additional babies: that is one insanely fucking expensive playmate. I could buy our child friends and the local park for that kind of money. We are very lucky to be in a really solid place financially, but I'd be lying if I said the thought of cost wasn't on my mind. With daycare pricing alone, not to mention everything else - the costs are astronomical (and I'm a thrifty bitch). 
• What about the extended 'us' of family and friends - how hard does spending time with them become? Especially re: traveling to see people. It feels like that will take a severe dip again, just as it was starting to renew. 

So now we debate. Are we a "one and done" household? Do we try, see if it works out, and roll the dice? The biological clock is ticking like a damn bomb, and my back certainly isn't Benjamin Buttoning over here. This whole topic becomes a moot point if my eggs decide they've had enough of this waiting and I get hit with premature menopause or something random. Overall: time is not on our side. So, are our hearts ready to welcome a new life and are we willing to sign up for that burden/joy/wild ride? Is our little family unit of three going to make the big jump to four at some point?? We shall see. 

Are we ready to take the next big step, little girl?

*Yes, I get it, even getting in a car could kill me. But. Just don't be a dick - I don't need stats about mortality rates. It's how I feel and no logic is going to convince my soul otherwise. 

**Had my annual OB/GYN appointment a few months back. She is a woman I deeply trust, who supported me in every way through my pregnancy and labor, so I felt comfortable having the difficult conversation with her about pregnancy in a post Roe era. How myself and many others I know are terrified to be pregnant again. Terrified of not having access to essential reproductive healthcare, should we need it. Fearful of ectopic pregnancies, miscarriages, or any complications that might require care that could give a doctor pause in the current state of the U. Am I willing to roll the dice? To risk my life? Will she do everything in her power to help me and not just my fetus? The answer is: I trust her to do right by me. BUT that is based on the current state - what if further legal changes occur? I still trust her, but, it doesn't mean I don't deeply worry about the risks. 

***To be fair, yes, I like the idea of having two kids for the forever-partner concept. So when my husband and I are old / gone, our beautiful girl will have built-in immediate family that she can turn to. But, there's no guarantee that they won't hate each other or never speak as adults or whatever so, that's nice in theory but not essential. We have a lot of friends/family, and they have kids who will be a fresh gen for her to bond with - she will not be alone.