Thanks, Mom

Moms are a special breed of badass. Not all mothers are the traditional kind, who've pushed a watermelon out of their vagina, some are ones who came into the role by other circumstances. The one thing all moms have in common: their unyielding (and often terrifying) love for their children and the fact that those children made them a little insane over the years.

And that, is why we love them. Because they love us, and they're just a bit unhinged from all the torture we put them through over the years. These are the women who were responsible for molding us into the people we became. And that just explains so much about each of us.

Stand by your ma.

As a quick little ode to the woman who bore me, I wanted to compile a list of some of the things she's taught me over the years....

• How not to cut bangs - because they shouldn't start at the back of the head (see my school photos from grades 1 through 4).
• You should never shower during a lightning storm, you might get zapped. (Sorry, ma, I did this just last night. Still alive.)
• "You've gotta suffer to be beautiful" - she said, combing endless knots out of my hair.
• Old country music is the best country music - get a buck for the box, put on "A White Sport Coat and a Pink Carnation," and see who your friends really are. Oldies, in general, are the way to go.
• If it starts raining while you’re mowing lawn, just kick it into rabbit gear and beeline for the garage (after you finish that last strip in the front of course). 
• How to pack your whole world into the trunk of a car. Seriously. She's a wizard at that shit. Must be because she's so good at puzzles in general. 
• I should always be thankful I didn’t have three brothers.
• Anything crazy thing I ever have done, probably pales in comparison to just one summer of my mom's youth. She listens to the stories about my shenanigans, and I can just tell she's thinking, "I can do ya one better...." 
• Handsomeness level should always be measured against a young Elvis. He was just SO handsome.
• How to squirrel clean - because in our small hometown, someone is bound to show up at any moment, and the only time you'll have to tidy up is from the time you see them drive up the street to the time they make it to the door. No time for real cleaning, only time for hiding. Squirrel away anything sitting out and worry about finding those nuts again later. 
• How to dye and perm hair at home. When I think of the money saved by my family over the years, it's insane.
• If the need should arise, I have childbearing hips. THANKS for those, ma. LOVE having those Shannon hips and thighs. 
• How to drive while blowing your nose and eating a hot dog - and then deciding it's time to pass someone on that two-lane highway, as well. 
• You should always look good when you go to the grocery store in case you meet the man of your dreams AND always wear clean underwear on a trip in case you get in an accident and have to go to the hospital. This was a double whammy from both mom and grandma - to the point that I don't even recall who said it more often. But, to this day, I've only worn sweatpants to the grocery store like twice ever. So. Point made.
• Old margarine containers really do make the best Tupperware.
• "Our friends called!" You know that scene in The Jerk when he's really excited about the new phone book? My mom gets excited in the same way when she gets home and there are messages on the answering machine. Never underestimate the joy of a voicemail. (That is, to anyone over  40. The rest of us hate voicemails.)
• Big is a great movie, definitely worth buying. Even if you accidentally buy it three or four times...
• Always keep a baseball bat handy - a wooden one specifically. That is our family weapon of choice. My mom has one by her bedside. I keep one in the trunk of my car. Because one never knows.
• No matter where you are, or what kind of trouble you might be in, she is always just a phone call away. Family isn't here to judge when you need help, and it's better to call than to struggle alone.

My ma has also taught me how to laugh long and loud. And, even though she's not one to cry during movies (and will always turn and go "ARE YOU CRYING??" just to call you out), she has no hesitation in laughing til the tears start flowing. I remember sitting at my college summer orientation, watching a comedy sketch with my mom by my side. She and I were both laughing so hard that we had started sobbing. With tears streaming down my face I sputtered, "MOM, quit making me laugh! Everyone is going to wonder why we're crying and... and I won't have any friends!!" At which point, she of course started cry-laughing harder. And as the stitch in my side grew and the looks from those seated near us became more alarmed, I knew that even if I didn't make a single friend (because I was that freak weeping girl), I'd always have one friend to laugh with. My mama.

Cheers to this woman, who gave me life and makes my heart smile.