BabyMama & The Bébé Q's

As the bébé q's rolled in, I started answering questions in bulk over on the Gram. There were a few bigger questions though that I couldn't quite fit my ramblings into a caption for. So, pairing them together on here.

Besides the disclaimer I gave in my last post, I want to make it absolutely clear that the responses below are solely my opinion* and if yours is different THAT IS REALLY FINE. It's hard enough figuring out how to make this major life shift into parenthood without all the added pressure of everyone else's beliefs weighing in. Zero judgements from me if you're approaching (or have approached) your own pregnancy differently, or if you disagree with my comments below. I respect that we're all doing our best, and that everyone's journey can look VERY different, even if there are tons of overlapping factors. I'm not trying to vex anyone - you keep doing you.

Bébé Q: "Was it planned?"

This is sometimes paired with the other frequent semi-Q of "I thought you didn't plan on having kids...?" If you've known me for some time, this set of Q's doesn't come without warrant. I have always been quite vocal about my feelings. To avoid ranting, here's a short punch list:

• one does not NEED children to have a complete family; family can mean a lot of different things
• if I personally never had children, I could still live a very fulfilling and happy life; it's totally fine to be childfree
• having and raising children is a huge responsibility, not to be entered lightly; I couldn't personally hack it as a single mom and would want a very strong partner to parent with

I'm sorry to say this: but being a mom has never been on my bucket list. The maternal urge, the need to nurture, just came in other forms than baby-making. Yes, this feels really shitty to say, since I know there are many women who want nothing more than to be a biological mother, and men who want nothing more than to be fathers, but, it's just the truth. If you'd have asked me about wanting kids in my twenties, I'd have probably straight up laughed in your face. 

I prioritized my education, my career, traveling, and developing who I was as a person. Finding a good partner, settling down, and birthing babies? Not on the radar. And the partners I did find? Well, I was likewise pretty truthful with them that if a baby is what they wanted, I was NOT their gal. They were nice guys, but I knew they were not men for the long haul. And that was fine. It just was what it was. I was still very happy and content with life. 

And at one point, I got lucky. I stumbled into the right partner, and we spent years adventuring and settling into a new life together. We decided to live together. We decided to get hitched. We decided to invest in a house - one that was big enough in case we decided to add to our family. And likewise, together we decided, yeah, let's have a baby. 

Having witnessed the fertility struggles of so many loved ones, we approached it in a fairly straightforward manner: we'd try, and if we found we weren't able to have kids, then we would be content as is. If kids weren't in the cards, we'd sell the big house and buy a condo downtown. If it worked out, we'd already have a big house, ready to nest into. No IVF, no adoption, no other paths, should things not work out. We'd see how things went. 

As a woman "of a certain age," who has always had the thought in the back of my mind that maybe I wouldn't physically be able to have kids, I would not say I went into this optimistically. I was a realist. My hopes were not high. I followed the advice of my OB/GYN and went off my pills for a couple months before we started "actively trying," so I could learn what my actual cycle looks like (because I've been on a pill-driven cycle for the past 15 years), and loosely tracked my "fertility window" with a pencil on my little desk calendar. And again, I got lucky. And here we are, a few short weeks away from bébé's arrival.

It is not a "whoopsie" baby. It is not a "pandemic baby."** This baby being consciously brought into this world by loving parents, who are confident in each other, who are comfortable with where they are at in life, and who... want to have someone to care for them when they are the old people in the post-apocalyptic hellscape. You know, typical stuff.

Bébé Q: "Is it a boy or a girl?"

Why does it matter?*** Why are my baby's reproductive organs SO important to everyone? Can't they just be a baby and not immediately defined by their gender? Aren't they going to spend the rest of their life being forced to deal with the gender norms and stereotypes of the world? While they're in the womb, can't we just let them be? Do we HAVE to stuff them into a blue or pink box straight out of the womb? Am I less of a mother for buying clothes that are gender-neutral OR just come in a variety of colors? Can't they have dinosaurs and sparkles? 

If you want to / did a gender reveal and want to scream from the rooftops that you've got a baby boy or baby girl arriving on xyz date - do you. (But like, don't shoot off anything that starts a forest fire, please.) It is just not my thing. I just want them to be born healthy and happy and whatever gender they are, we will raise them to be curious, independent, and kind. Period. 

When people ask this question, the easiest answer has been, "We're keeping it a surprise" or "We don't know." Those answers don't piss people off. When they find out that WE know, but are choosing not to tell THEM, that is when people tend to get weirdly aggressive and mad. Like, we are wronging them somehow by not divulging. It's... kind of exhausting. I can even give valid reasons like "Hey, if we decide to have more kids, and they're a different gender, this way we don't have to get all new stuff, we can just reuse what we had - think of the money/time/waste savings!" but, it's still a personal slight somehow. People are still upset they can't buy you all pink or blue things.

And yeah, I know I'm getting a lot of eye rolls and "there goes Gina on her soap box again" - but if you're willing to get legit angry at someone for them not telling you their baby's gender? Or if you have spent the past eight months trying to "trick" one of us into telling you? I mean, go reevaluate and chill. Because, you're just adding unnecessary drama to a pile of legit worries new parents have on their plate. And honestly, if the baby's genitals matter that much to you, you'll find out soon enough, won't you?

Bébé Q: "How has it been being sober?"

Another question largely asked by people who have known me longer lol -- If you told me in my early twenties to be sober for nine months, I would have probably reallllly struggled based on my lifestyle at the time. I hate to give any good credit to this awful pandemic, but I'll say it's a big factor in why sobriety hasn't phased me. 

First off, our pandemic social calendar doesn't look like it used to. No happy-hours with coworkers. No attending festivals or concerts every weekend. Infrequent eating out at restaurants. And just an overall decline in events where we'd normally find a cocktail in hand. So, while I've never had a problem being the gal with a Coke at a boozy event, it's been way less of a thing because those events just aren't happening.

The other side of this: I haven't been drinking at home during all this. Because I know myself, and I know what a slippery slope that could have been. My younger self, and my family, have a sorted history with alcohol. So when the world shut down and everything went to hell, I was very conscious of the fact that a cocktail might make the situation feel less stressful - but could become a heavy crutch for balancing out my anxiety. I did not want to go down that path, so I mostly just avoided drinking entirely. By the time I found out I was pregnant, not drinking was already a part of my routine, so it didn't seem like as big of a deal. Which was really nice. Though, I definitely miss my brandy-old fashioneds. I look forward to welcoming that old friend back into my life. 

Bébé Q: "Are you planning on having more kids?"

Sigh, y'all know how I feel about the constant "what's next?" questions... that said, we'll see how it goes. In my mind's eye, we'd have two total. No more. Having grown up with a sibling, I see the value in having that person (for better or worse) to share the journey with, so I'd say we're not "planning" for an only child. BUT there are so so many factors at play here. Maybe I'll have an absolutely horrible labor (knock on wood) and/or not physically be able to have more. Maybe we'll find out that we're just totally overwhelmed by parenthood (knock on woooood) and we don't want any more. Maybe we'll try and just run out of time on the biological clock somehow. Who knows? In terms of "planning" I've really learned that... you just can't. The best laid plans of mice and men, y'all. 

Bébé Q: "Are you scared?"

As all hell. But with 15 days til D-Date, we're sort of at the point of no return. To quote Home Alone: "This is it. Don't get scared now." 

Fab bump credit to McKenna Marie Photography
https://www.mckennamariephoto.com/

*Even my husband and I aren't 100% aligned on things around this pregnancy/birth. We're maneuvering to find what middle ground we as a couple, and as parents, are comfortable with. But we are two separate individuals who form and defend our own viewpoints. That's just part of a relationship - working out how to be a united front as two unique persons. 

** Sorry, but I REALLY fucking hate how often people give a wink wink nudge nudge and say "oooh pandemic baby, cuz y'all were bored, right??" UM, did you live in a VERY different 2020 than I did? Because there was nothing sexy about 2020, and 2021 is on its heels for a very unattractive year to live in. Watching the news in horror every day, being separated from loved ones, and constantly afraid of losing someone you care about to an overwhelming global pestilence? Yeah, sorry, that's not really something that puts me "in the mood." Being isolated with my spouse in a tiny space, not going outside for days on end, while a psycho wave of conspiracy theorists try to destroy my sanity? Doesn't exactly get me all "hot and bothered." When my anxiety is through the roof and I'm worried about a potential food shortage while slathered in hand sanitizer? No, my first thought was not, "I'm bored, let's bang." And I also did NOT decide to BRING A PERSON INTO THIS WORLD just out of sheer boredom. Fuck off.  

***Also, I know I'll get a bunch of people upset because they will think I am personally mad at them for even asking this question. I'm absolutely not. It's a very straightforward and easy-to-ask question when you hear someone is having a baby. You ABSOLUTELY should feel free to ask. Just don't be pissy if the parents-to-be don't give you the answer you "want" to hear. That's literally it. 

The Whole of the Moon

2020-One. 2020-Won? 20.21. 

Here we go again. Another turn of the page, as we flip into a new year. It's hard to imagine what the encore to 2020 could look like. Since I can't see the future (would I want to??), all I can do is craft a vibe I'm aiming for and try to fulfill that, regardless of the landscape I find myself in. 

For my typical start-of-year list (see oldies 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019), I never included a "word of the year" until this past year. In 2020, I had both a word and song. The song was the vibe I wanted to root to. The word, a theme to aspire to. Maybe doing both ended up jinxing things, so this year I'm sticking with just a jammer: "The Whole of the Moon" by the Waterboys. 

As a high level, I want to be more big picture. These past nine months, it's been easy to get tripped up and caught on small hurdles. To feel like I'm failing in little moments, and not realize the bigger accomplishments. As someone who is both parts of this song, I need to find a better balance between the two. 

I wrote up some elaborate novel in which I had a goal based on various song lyrics, but wowww was that sure overthinking things. So, I scrapped that and started over. And then I let a few days pass, and the world flipped on its head again (lol attempted coups, who knew? *weeps*). And then I scrapped everything again. Now, I'm returning back, a few weeks in, having rethought several times, and here's what we've got. 

• Wander out in the world. To be honest, I spent most of 2020 afraid to go outside. Even with my mask, and hand sani, and a doe-eyed desire to experience nature in safe, wide-open spaces, I found myself completely overwhelmed by the amount of other people out and about. This year, I'm hoping to get outside more, on less occupied suburban streets. To manage my anxiety and the people-phobia I've developed. And hopefully, we can also finally have a honeymoon / travel again.* 
• Write it out. Get back into writing for fun, not just for a place to dump my existential crises. (I had no idea that was the plural for 'crisis' - English is fucking fascinating.) 
• Create my own Brigadoon. These early months will probably be very home-centric. Since I can't go seek paradise via travel, I need to make our home our own sanctuary. (I also want to make sure our house looks nice for when people can finally come see it, but that's secondary to our own comfort in these winter months.) 
• More music. Jammers. More jammers. Because I spend too much of the day in silence otherwise.
• Be better in relation to others. A better wife, daughter, sister, friend, coworker, neighbor, etc. I have an expectation of what it looks like to "properly" fulfill all those roles, but with changing times, so too we must change our approach. Keeping myself grounded so I can be a better me for others is so important to me. Get back to being an anchor instead of a free-floating chunk of ocean garbage. And make sure everyone knows how grateful I am for them. Spread that love. Get a little more outward, instead of retreating inward.
• Stretch for the stars. My default "comfort" position is more-or-less a hunchback / fetal position mix. I can physically feel my body withdrawal into itself when I'm stressed out. So, once again, my posture needs a lot of work. While WFH has given me the gumption to not be completely chained to my desk all day long, it also means I've been working in less-than-ergonomically-pleasing setups for months. I need to keep the old body limber as I move into my palindrome year. 
• Keep my blood pumping. Speaking of being stationary too much... I need to get in some more cardio this year, and try to get my resting heartrate to a better place. 
• Figure out how to better contribute to the world. I want to figure out composting. Search for some local organizations to be involved with to help my immediate environment. Do some garbage pickup. Something. The joke at my job when things are high tension has always been, "Take it easy, we're not saving lives here." But maybe I want to be? Maybe I want to do something that's more beneficial to others? Since that isn't something in the cards in my current occupation, I need to look for philanthropy elsewhere. 
• Continue to curate my wardrobe. During quarantine, I got pretty active on Poshmark: getting rid of clothes that no longer matched me (for physical fit or appearance) and buying other secondhand items with those earnings. Helping close that loop and avoid new garments digitally, since hopping to thrift stores wasn't feasible. As I curate, I also need to be better about my ghost outfit.** I need to dress myself each day in a way that's less "trapped at home" and more presentable. And all day, not just a rapid change ten minutes before my husband gets home so he doesn't think I'm a scrub.
• Unfurrow my brow. I may have done permanent damage already. These worry lines may not go away. Must quit showing my apprehension on my face. 
• Keep learning and unlearning. We all have a lot of implicit biases and a lot of what we've learned in life is a product of our immediate environment. I'd like to continue to learn and grow, and unlearn where I need to. To continue to support BIPOC-owned businesses. To do what I can to be a part of the solution and not a part of the problem - by educating myself and advocating for others. I want to practice and get better about having conversations around race and other important topics. I tried hard in 2020 to learn and eloquently discuss, but I know I didn't always do a good job. Sometimes my good intentions didn't come through verbally or I got too frustrated. I need to do better. We all can do better.
• Budge the budget. Now that we have a house, our expenses are different. As we settle in and figure out how much it costs to "run" this household, I'm exciting to dig in on our budget. We had a large amount saved up for a down payment, and now that we've doled that out, we want to figure out how much of our other savings/incoming funds can go into investments with a higher return.*** 
• Keep the vices to a minimum. I've been largely sober this pandemic, because I know what a slippery slope it'd have been to hit the bottle during these unprecedented times. I'd like to keep that up (or down?). But I also need to look at some of my other vices, like my massive sugar consumption, and figure out how to stomp them down a bit. I don't want to emerge from the plague times as a junkie in any respect. 
• Micro progress is still progress. Instead of setting specific long term goals, I'm focusing on a short list of goals each week (many which lend themselves to larger / longer run ones). Not even each month, but each week, because if there's anything last year taught us, it's how much things can change on a dime. Looking ahead more than a week may not be practical. This also gives me flexibility to make progress and keep it right within my sights, even during emotional roller coasting based on global/national events. 

Yeah, the above are vague and overarching. That's the point of them. The weekly goals will focus on specific actions that feed in, but for now, a broad stroke is the best this gal can do. Sure, I probably missed some stuff in the re-workings, too. But I'll be damned if I was going to wait another week to try and get my new years post out. Sending you off with a wish: may 2021 be kinder to us, and may we all be kinder to ourselves and each other. Go team.

Make today your bitch, friends.

* Anyone else seem to have all of their 2020 trips just plopped into the new year? Last year was supposed to be a big travel hurrah for us... looks like maybe we'll try for it again?

** If you haven't heard this particular line - basically, it's the concept that the clothes you die in will be the ones you're stuck wearing as a ghost forever. Since death is unpredictable, you should always dress yourself in an outfit that is comfortable, fashionable, and reflects who you are, because you never know which outfit may end up being your garb for the rest of eternity.

*** I love talking money shit, so if anyone ever wants to dig in on savings and budgeting, you just hit this girl up!

Hindsight Is: 2020 Edition

Woof. 2020. We've (mostly) made it through.

Every year before I write this post, I go back to read my previous "Hindsight is" posts. (Linked here, if you feel like a trip down my memory lane: 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019). The stark contrast of this year to prior ones was almost laughable, but mostly sadable. Like, so sadable. The state of the union left something to be desired, putting it lightly!

2020 was like looking both ways before crossing the street, and getting hit by a plane. But funny enough, when also looking back at my goals post for this year, I felt an odd sense of calm. Even though I came at it much more sideways than I intended, I really did accomplish a lot of the vibe I set out for. It was to be the year of clarity - and even though things were extremely unpredictable, after I went through all the stages of grief for this "year of loss," I did come through the other side with a better understanding of my personal feels, relationships, etc. It was a real trip reading that post and reflecting.

Anywho, onto the 2020 recap...
((Note that this more or less completely fails to capture the dumpster-fire nightmare and wholesome wonderfulness and terror and joy that was 2020 - but, it's what came out when I typed.))

• We survived. Literally the biggest accomplishment. Surviving a pandemic, political turmoil, civil unrest, and everything in between. My car window was smashed in at one point, just to ice the cake. And while it seems like a lifetime ago, it was only February when my husband was in a tragic active-shooter situation at his workplace. I was so thankful for his safety then, and am grateful every day for the health and safety of so many loved ones during these trying times. 
• We moved up and out. We purchased our first home, moving up to the northern burbs and out of apartment living. I moved up to (another) a new role at work. And, our plant family expanded at an exponential rate.
• We celebrated life. Before the world shut down, we had a roaring 20's themed new years, a memorable Leap Day party, wing night, baby showers, lady pal movie night, happy hours and brunches, and of course the Shamrock Shuffle viewing before the lockdown. Weddings, showers, bachelorettes: everything looked different in a year of masks and Zoom gatherings. During our self-quarantine, we turned to virtual events like everyone else. Sidewalk visits and awkward video calls, with a constant theme: we miss each other and love each other and care so much about keeping one another safe. I also excessively celebrated the hatching and fledgling weeks of the baby falcons atop Miller, with the live cam feed that got me through the longest spring of my life. From watching space launches to getting video messages about random nonsense, ever little virtual moment felt like a big moment.
• We donated. Since it was more difficult to physically donate time, we did a lot of donating via straight-up cash. Being financially lucky during this time, we were able to put funds towards causes that matter to us, to try and help in the way we felt we could. We also volunteered to do absentee ballot processing on Election Day, which made for a good distraction and was really cool to be a part of history.*
• We escaped. Even though our honeymoon and several other trips were cancelled, we did take several days away in August, just to get out of our small apartment. Cooking and staying at an AirBNB in lake country was just the ticket. We also escaped through countless hours of television and movies, much like everyone else. I also meant to take up reading and failed, but did really get in a puzzle groove.
• We tracked. In January, we tallied up and realized we were eating out too often. So, in February, we foolishly did a month of NOT eating out - sigh, if only we'd have known. My bullet journal turned into a way for me to be more mindful of the days - noting if I'd gone outside, or spoken to friends or family, or eaten. Counting the hours of sleep lost or gained. And a daily note of the number of Covid deaths and infections, which kept my heart in a constant state of mourning, but also in a state of deep resolve - staying inside, not seeing my loved ones: that time lost could be time gained in the future. It could be a life saved. It was worth it. 

This summary lacks a lot of the depth of this crazy time, but it's been hard to put into words this turning point in history we've all experienced together. And how different we've each experienced it. I'm sad, mad, grateful, hateful, and every other feel, all at once, when thinking back. These months taught us all so much. Some of those lessons, I'm not at all happy about. And others, I really needed to learn. May this all help us grow and make a better world as we move forward. May we be stronger together, even when physically apart. May 2020 be a watercolor in the rain, and 2021 a blank sheet. A fresh start.

Slap some paint over 2020. Gloss 'er up a bit.
Time for a fresh start.

* I highly recommend volunteering to help at the polls or with absentee ballot processing to anyone who wants to better understand the election process. It was absolutely fascinating and it felt really good to contribute and help. (And, we ended up on the homepage of the New York Times!) You can contact your local elections commission for more info. 

The Year of the Cat

2020. Not just a new year, but a new decade. Holy cats.

Before I pop into my typical start-of-year lists (such as those done for 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019), I'd like to point out that the title of this post is not actually accurate, but it's more a stylistic choice. 2020 will actually be the Year of the Rat, which is in direct conflict with the Cat. But, when I think about how I want this year to feel, I want to feel like I'm being wrapped in the smooth jam of an Al Stewart song, with the coolness of its Casablanca inspo. (Plus, the Cat is sure-footed and shares the characteristics of the Rabbit, in that it's earnest and determined to move forward towards its goals.) It's all a lot of flim-flam, but it feels like the feel I want for 2020.

If you'd have asked me moving into the last decade the "feel" I'd probably be seeking for the roaring '20s kick-off, I'd have painted a pretty Gatsby picture, heavy in debauchery, and not pointed to a soft rock song from the late '70s... but such is the turn life takes. And as I see stranger after stranger posting their "word of intention" for the new year, that leads me to cozy up with the "Year of the Cat" and my word of choice: CLARITY.

20/20 vision. 20/20 focus. Totally clear. In place of several years of chaos and scramble, 2020 will be the year of coherence, with freedom from ambiguity. Transparency: with my new husband, friends, family, coworkers; with finances, with intentions, with my thoughts. Simplicity in my emotions. Exactness in my actions.

It'll take a bit to settle into this word/goal/thing, but that's the aim. Clarity.

So, here are a few of the aims to that end.

1. Wrap up the wedding. It's time to stop putting off the remaining items just so I can secretly cling to the day a little longer. 2019 was the year of the wedding, 2020 is not. That means it's time to... Sell off any lingering wedding items I can (finally). Get the dress dry-cleaned/preserved. Finish reviewing vendors. Post up all the photos. Also: finish writing up the wedding related posts I started. They're all half done, may as well birth those babies. Time to take a clear step forward into newlywed status.
2. Be a better friend. Make the phone calls. Send the texts. Schedule the time and see the faces. Last year was a very selfish year for me and I emerged feeling like I'd let people down on the friendship front. Time to spread a little kindness and joy. (For family, too!) I want it to be clear that I care, and for people to know they're loved. 
3. Try to help the climate: both physically and politically. I've finally gotten better about bringing my own grocery bags to the store - time to level up. Because when Lewis the koala died, I literally wept. So, I couldn't handle the whole world going up in smoke. Also, it's an election year, and one of the best ways to help this dear planet will be to help elect officials who will pass policies to help and not hinder. I've got donations lined up, am hoping to volunteer at the convention, and overall won't make the same mistake as last time in not doing enough to help. There should be no confusion around how important elections are, and we need a focused effort to elect intelligent officials who will represent the best interests of the people (and the planet).
4. Bujo. Yes, I'm turning from my spreadsheets to a more artsy form of tracker and am dabbling in bullet journaling. Many habits will be tracked. Many doodles will be doodled. Many things will be put to paper with pretty colored pens. Thoughts and tasks are actionable and clear when written out.
5. My bod, my temple. 2019 was a big year for focusing on keeping my outward appearance in tip-top shape for the big day. This year I want to get back on that wagon (which, tipped over and rolled down into the river the past several months), and focus on the inward, too. I tried to calm my inner gossipy-bitch and rage-monster last year, but there's definitely more work to be done on that front. I need to more clearly understand my motives and feelings, and have a comprehensive plan to treat my body better.
6. Dejunk the junk. There is a real possibility we'll be moving out of our east side apartment at some point in the next few years. Time to start purging and streamlining now so I can avoid chaos for future-Gina. Simplify your stuff, and you simplify your life.
7. Days go by. Sometimes I fall into a binge-watching, life-on-the-couch funk (especially in the winter months) and realize my time could have been spent better elsewhere. This year I'd like to put more towards the elsewhere. I need to focus. 
8. Shaking that money maker. The beau* and I have been reviewing finances. I have spent the last several years rather proud of my financial situation, since having paid off my debt in 2018, and am still very proud, but when combining with a man who left college sans debt, I now feel woefully behind. What's his is mine and all that aside, we'll be attacking 2020 together, with combined forces, squaring away a money-gameplan for the big expenses ahead. I also want to be more mindful in general of what I'm putting money towards.** We're both being transparent with what we've got and where we want to go on the cash front, and will consult a professional to have a more exact approach. We want to keep things simple and keep prosperity a'bloomin'.
9. Get back to basics. What things do I enjoy doing? Time to do them. Puzzles. Writing (hey, blog, I think I've missed you). Chit chatting on the phone. Buying the fancy cheese. Playing dress up and going dancing. Reading a magazine about home storage and organization shit that I'll never actually do. Listening to disco. Writing snail mail. Simplicity and happiness. 
10. Work. Life. Balance. Starting another new role meant digging my brain into another new challenge. Those wheels tend to keep spinning outside office hours, and I have to get back to compartmentalizing. And really ought figure out if the career path I'm on is the right one. Introspection and crafting a clear path for myself, and figuring out how I want to spend the next 35 years of my work life. 
11. Charting a course. 2020 will not be short on adventures, with at least three bouts in Europe (and possibly a fourth) currently in the works. Itinerary crafting is one of my favorite hobbies, and since one never knows what the upcoming years might hold, I want to optimize our travels while we're still able to make them. A clear cut plan to make our journeys simple so we can enjoy our time together abroad. 

Precision and definition. Purposeful intent. Clarity. Working on clarity. I'm hoping that early on in this new decade, I'll have gotten to a point where I've calmed the anxiety in my mind and have a grip over what feels like looming chaos, and that this will be a kickoff year in a confident decade of positive change. Whatever happens, I'll sprinkle in as many buzzwords as possible. Because if there is one thing that's as clear as mud and totally lacking any ambiguity, it's a good buzz word! Cheers to the roarin' twenties, and the dawn of a new decade, friends!

Crystal clear. Object in frame. Focused.

* Now that he's a husband, I felt like maybe I should update the beau's blog name to something more appropriate, like mari (French for husband). Because hubby, hubs, etc. area all nicknames that make him sound like a walrus (which he is not, please his tiny-framed heart). And calling him my love or my man both have awkward connotations as well. But I'm still uncertain with the term so for now he'll still be beau. Also, I'm a little bummed that I didn't take advantage of calling him my betrothed more often - missed opportunity there!
** I read a financial bit of advice the other day that weirdly struck me. Ask yourself the question: if a stranger printed out your bank statement for the last month, who would they say you are? ((Insert blown mind chunks here)) Introspection is important.

Wear It Out

While I was debating how to kick off the new year (making my list and checking it twice), I knew it was time for another paring down. The kind that usually only happens with a psychical relocation of homesteads. Why? Because, no matter how many times I streamline my clothes, there always seem to be just too many.

No, this is not a Marie Kondo story. As a woman who is both crippled by, and terrified of, a lack of variety, the whole "spark joy" shit doesn't work for me. I can convince myself that just about anything brings me joy (#womansburden), so that system just isn't going to help me get rid of anything. If anything, it makes me less likely to get rid of things, since I'm a sentimental schmuck who can sob over a ripped pair of pants from middle school and tell you a long-winded story about just how they shaped my life and made me who I am today.

Instead, this is the tale of my personal tried-and-true method that has served me well through several previous purges: a good old fashioned WEAR THROUGH. Here's how it works...

First, make sure you have access to your full wardrobe. That means laundry is fully done, and any "seasonal" or "sentimental" stuff you have tucked away is pulled out. Depending on season, this should also include a going through of coats and footwear, but that's a bit trickier depending where you live (sorry but my flip flops have no place in a Wisconsin winter).

Next, pick a day to start. From that point on, don't repeat your clothes. I'm not talking about not repeating outfits, but instead not repeating individual articles. This also includes every sock, cami, scarf, bra, set of PJs, bit of workout clothing, etc. Nothing should be spared. Each and every stitch is to be worn, either as a last hurrah or as an acknowledgement that its still a vital piece of attire. You cannot start repeating pieces until everything has been worn through. To be honest, the first things to repeat will be pants usually (most people have way more tops than bottoms), but again, not until all have been worn first. Once something is worn it should be washed and then tucked away into a tote / separate drawer, a clothing purgatory.

And there they'll stay until I've made it through the lot of them!

During this process you will have clothing in four states:

1. On the Rack :: yet to be worn
2. Laundry Limbo :: worn and not yet laundered
3. Clothing Purgatory :: worn, washed, and in your hideaway box 
4. Departures :: things you're not keeping

How does this play out? Usually I end up wearing my favorites that I always wear first, and then spiral into a wacky array. This time around, I purposefully dug into the archives first. You can pick whatever strategy you want!

On the Rack
Right off the bat, it's a 2-in-3 shot at survival :

1. You pull that shirt out of the back of the closet and go "Oh, I love this! I forgot I even had it!" and you wear it. Then it goes to laundry limbo.
2. You look at it and wonder why you even still have it, or decide it's not your size/style anymore. In this case - put it immediately into the departures pile. 
3. Or, less drastic, you just don't feel like wearing it on this particular day. Yes, you can keep it on the rack and come back to it another day, BUT if you keep finding yourself going back to it and deciding "not today" well, then maybe it just needs to go, honey. 

As you move along, you'll have to start getting more creative with how to pair up clothes to not repeat pieces. Depending on the volumes of the different types of garments, some things will repeat sooner. For example, if you only have five pairs of pants and socks, but have twenty shirts - well, the pants and socks will start repeating sooner. Or if it's winter and you have a lot of sleeveless, well, you'll need to eventually repeat cardigans or blazers to wear with them... eventually. The goal is to go as long as you can without repeating, and once you do have to repeat something, it stays in this cycle until everything is totally gone through.
Laundry Limbo Once you've worn something, it's got a 50/50 chance:

1. You wore it, remembered how much you loved it, and know that you'd like to continue to have it in your rotation. Pop it into the laundry basket! It's going to get all fresh and clean for a future wear!
2. After wearing it, you remember why you hadn't worn it lately. The cut it slightly uncomfortable. It's too tight in certain places (looking at you, blouses with the boob gap!). There's something worn out, or a lost button that you'll never recover, or something that needs mending that you just know you'll never take care of. It's a sweater that's since gotten pilly. There just isn't a scenario you'd find yourself wanting to wear it in very often (hello, clubbing clothes - you were staples in the 20s but now are just too uncomfortable to bother with). Etc Etc. Whatever it is, it's time to part ways. If it needs to be actually disposed of, try and re-purpose it for a rag/cleaning cloth or something before tossing (save the planet). If you're planning to donate or sell it, then wash it up but make sure it finds its way to the departures pile after. 

Clothing Purgatory

Congrats, clothes, you've made it this far! You've been worn, washed, and loved. Now, put these away into a "can't touch this" box, tote or drawer. Somewhere you can't even start looking until after you're run out of an essential element. Yep, ever panty, sock, shirt, and scarf, all of it gets tucked away. Once you do start needing to repeat (because you've run out of socks), be mindful of what it is you're pulling out to wear again. If it's something that's your first pick, it's pretty safe to say it's something worth keeping around. If you realize there's something you just don't want to pull out again, because it really only works by itself and with nothing else, or because you've second guessed in general - then it goes to departures. 

Once you've hit the final piece of clothing, and have gone through your goal of wearing everything - this is the perfect time for a fresh start in your closet or dresser! 

• Wipe down all surfaces, dust, and tidy up overall. You're putting everything back into this empty space, so make sure it's clean first. (How often do you wipe down drawers otherwise, honestly? Take advantage of the emptiness!) 
• Get rid of shitty hangers and decide how you want to organize things. 
• If you have some pieces that you decided you need to keep for sentimental reasons , but just won't wear regularly - give them a separate home that is not in the way of your daily wardrobe.  
• If you have some of those "skinny jeans" or "walrus sweats" that you just need to keep to torture yourself, also tuck those away. And leave a note on that box with the date. Next time you see it, if it's been more than six months, if that stuff still doesn't fit - it's time. That ship has sailed. (Unless you're like, pregnant. Maybe just don't do any of this while pregnant??)

Past Gina is a kind and ruthless bitch

Then reorg and put everything back into its new home! All your clothes are wearable, clean, and ready to be picked out to wear any old time!

Departures

This group of misfit toys is washed and clean, and ready to move on to a new home. 

• Anything to be tossed should've already been gone.
• If you're planning to donate, give a shout out to some friends or family first, see if they want to dig through for some freebies! Or, if you don't want to deal with that coordination, see if any of them could go to better use than just hitting a Goodwill rack - look up a local woman's shelter, or see if any of your work clothes can go to underprivileged folks (re)joining the workforce (interview clothes can be pricey!). 
• If you're planning to try and sell your stuff (on Poshmark or the like), don't put it off! Get photos taken and get those clothes posted up right away! If it doesn't sell within a month, move on. If you're saving clothes for a garage sale in the spring or something, put them aside and out of the way, but also leave a note with the date - if you realize two years later that that box is still there, it's time to donate. 

And that's all there is to it! The whole point is to make an effort to see what you really still like to wear and what's applicable to wear based on the life you're living. Don't spend a dime on anything new, just  wear what you already have. Wear. It. All. In the end, you'll have streamlined and learned to understand what you've got. It's day 44 for me on this wear through, and I've not had a duplicate outfit yet (except for pants). And I have oh-so-many more clothes to go. Really, I almost feel bad seeing how many clothes I have, and some that originally made it through to clothing purgatory have since been reassigned to departures (you know, when you realize you have three black tees and probably only need one). The bright side to this situation: approximately 90% of my clothes were thrifted originally,* so in general I didn't spend much money to obtain the collection I have AND they've already had two+ good lives. I hope they have many more lives after their time spent with me, and that my old friends enjoy their new homes. 

Hello, my vibrant friends! Let's see if you've run your course,
or if you've got a few more laps in you yet!

* Or I got for free using my Gap Cash - see my long footnote rant here for how much I love that effin' Gap Cash! 

New Year, New List

It's 2019. The last teens I'll see in my lifetime. And instead of pretending that I was motivated at the start of January, I'll be honest and say: I knew I wasn't. So I instead plotted out my goals to 'begin' later. (Why try and force yourself to fail - amirite?)

For the past several years, I've done a little kick off to the year with some overall bits of resolve. No point in letting old habits die now, eh? So here are some of the things I'm aiming for in the next eleven.

1. Hydrate: This is always high on my list. Nothing has changed. I need to do better.
2. Pinch those pennies: Mercifully, I'm debt free, and haven't had to budget too closely for the past few years. But it's time to crack down a bit to save for upcoming expenses. Just to get more of a surplus, since currently I don't have a route to make additional income.*
3. Nip that waistline: Must eat better. Must be more active. It's not that hard, I just need to properly focus and get into it.
4. Unfunk the funk: The winter blues, man, they get me. 
5. Hug the planet : It needs a little TLC. I need to make more little changes to help out with that big old problem of our world going to shit. Finally remembering reusable bags at the grocery store. Walking to work once it's warm out instead of driving. Trying to create less waste in general. One thing I already did: sent an email to several organizations (ones who I've donated to in the past who continue to send me paper mail all the time) and asked to be taken off physical mailing lists and instead be put to email lists - that saves them money and saves ink/paper/time for all.... Basically: we can all do better. We need to do better. There's no excuse to not try and do better.
6. Beauty routine: Besides the whole hydrate/exercise/eat better, getting on a better routine involving vitamins, face masks, fancy shampoo, and figuring out what the hell one is supposed to do with cuticles anyways. For Christmas, I also got one of those fancy rose quartz face rollers - and while I don't believe in the crystal flimflam, I'm all about destressing and depuffing! I've been lucky enough to have good skin, hair, health (mostly), etc. so time to double down and keep it that way. (Off to a good start on this one!)
7. Revel in it: You don't get many chances to plan a big event like a wedding (knock on wood). So I need to make sure to not stress, and just enjoy it - because I really do love this shit. And, I'd dare to say that I'm pretty good at it. 
8. Blue light special: Started this last year but fell out of practice over time. Will go back to doing no screens (TV, phone, laptop, etc.) after 9:30 pm. Back to book reading, general relaxing, etc. Also need to keep my Instagramming averaging under 45 minutes a day - it's been getting up there with the wedding and vacation searches, mustn't let it continue to get out of hand (because holy cow 45 minutes is SO much time - stupid rabbit hole!). 
9. Fix. That. Posture. SERIOUSLY. Quasimodo over here needs to get it together.
10. Hate a bit less: Overall, I'm a generally nice and happy person but... I love talking / thinking smack. It's so invigorating. But, there's enough hate in the world, so I need to focus less on being judgey and more on being positive / ignoring shit I'd normally spend time judging. It's just a waste of my time and efforts on things that just don't matter.**
11. Cut the noise : Speaking of hating less... I Marie Kondo'd my social media and unfollowed a bunch of people (that didn't spark joy - LOL). There are a lot more I need to get rid of, specifically people who just appall me with their behavior. It's like watching a train wreck though - I just can't look away. But I should.*** It would make me a happier person to not constantly be frustrated with the idiots of the world. 
12. Wardrobe wear-out : Started this January 1st. In an effort to see what I really still like to wear - I have to wear it all. Will be detailing this madness in a separate post. 
13. Help the others : Newly engaged? I've got you, boo! I've been doling out Gina's Engagement 101 wisdom by the bucket lately. Because, from what I've seen, all brides-to-be form a pretty badass lady gang. I've been so grateful for all the ones who've reached out, checked in, and helped me out, and I want to do everything I can to put that goodness back out into the world. Like Headmaster Zefron said, "We're all in this together." 
14. Spend more time with family : The one I was born into and the one I chose. Because time is precious and they deserve the best version of me that I can give.

There are a LOT of big changes coming this year. This will sound completely out of character, but: I've been grateful to have a fairly low-key start to 2019 (at least up to this point!). It's given my brain some time to reflect and my attitude some time to get over itself. Change isn't something we're necessarily hardwired to "like," but as a species we wouldn't have made it this far if we hadn't learned to adapt. Hoping some of my little plans above, my little roots, will keep me grounded in the year ahead. Hold strong, little roots! 

Time to take a bite out of 2019!

* IE NO I'm not getting a second job, or a side hustle, or any of that nonsense. I'm quite content just tightening the purse strings a wee bit and am nowhere near desperate enough to pump time into becoming a hustler. For all the "self care" pushing of 2018, there was likewise a shit ton of "hustle" attitude promoted. It was a vicious cycle of people stressing themselves to the point of needing to do actual self-care. So like, is everyone suppose to work fifty jobs, and "do what makes them passionate," and also take time for bubble baths? Kudos to those who attempt to balance all that but, no thanks. Not necessary for me right now. Plenty of other things to care about putting time towards. Already a wonder woman, I don't need to hustle just for hustling sake. And bubble baths stress me out more than anything. 
** Plus, I just feel so quick to anger lately, and frustrated so frequently. And my hating just feeds into that. I also read that it could likely just be a symptom of Depression - which is probably just a suburb of my Anxiety. But I'm not ready to move to the suburbs. I'm comfortable living downtown at the intersection of Panic Parkway and Stress Street, just around the corner from Eagerness Ave - where I curb stomped serenity back in '05 and never looked back. 
*** And honestly - what kind of psycho actually likes watching train wrecks?? Like, I should feel bad about feeding views towards this nonsense. But I guess social media is like Nascar - people only watch for the carnage and to have the loud noise distract them from their own thoughts.

Hindsight Is: 2018 Edition

Holy frickin' cow, 2018. How is it nearly at an end? Literally, I fail to understand time, because she's a cruel mistress. Reading my 2016 and 2017 recaps was a hoot. A fun look back at an often angsty, but mostly doe-eyed past-Gina, and a great way to put this maelstrom year into perspective.

So here's a glance back on the past 365 -

• New Era: This was it. The year that straddled my twenties and thirties. Much the same way a drunken bachelorette straddles a mechanical bull after her fourth shot of tequila, it was both epic and sloppy. I held on for dear life, and despite the inevitable falling, I considered the overall attempt a great success... 2018 was an ongoing celebration as many dear friends likewise turned the big 3-Oh. The friend crew really stepped up the adulthood levels once crossing the thirty line, with an onslaught of new houses bought, new babies birthed, and new marriages celebrated.*  There was also a wave of grad parties, as my little cousins become not so little anymore and as friends have continued to check off advanced degrees. So many changes. Bowie would've been proud (RIP).
• Personal Adult Points Peak: 2018 was tops in my own personal adulting, as well. Besides having officially survived my twenties (it was touch-and-go for a bit there), I also finally crossed the threshold and became completely debt free. And, after soapboxing for over four years about how we were plenty happy as we were thankyouverymuch, we finally decided to put a ring on it and got engaged!** And, we're definitely not pregnant so cheers for not catching that particular cootie just yet! Besides those big moments on the personal front, I also was promoted again at work, twice. AND I joined a book club. So, I'm one glass of wine away from 40 and a mini van at this point. Go team! 
• Turn On: It was another year for watching the world unfold. The Winter Olympics. The World Cup. I finally watched The Office (I hate Jim - yes, there will be a rant about it some day). I voyaged back to Middle Earth with my sis, to watch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy (extended editions) in theaters once more. I rewatched all of Game of Thrones in anticipation of the upcoming finale. Beyond the silver screens, I saw plenty of action IRL, as well. An epic opening concert by The Killers at the new venue in MKE. A standout Summerfest show by Chromeo. Visits to the local theater, ballet, and symphony. Chuck full of culture, that 2018!
• Tune In: While everyone in 2018 was all about "saying no more" - I took that as a load of crap and tried to say yes more. Yes to meeting up with old friends. Yes to that extra phone call with a family member. Yes to giving a shit about people and your relationships to them, instead of just only focusing on yourself. I especially tried to stay in touch better with friends who don't live in close proximity. Hosted various friends (and groups) throughout the year, showed up for some birthday parties out of town, met up with people while in NYC for work, made a point to grab lunch or a drink when someone was passing through town (even if it was an airport lounge cocktail), attended a large reunion with my social group from college - overall just SHOWED UP (as much as I could - sorry for the times I couldn't manage). 2018 was about laughing with and learning from as many people as I could. 
• Drop Out: There was a huge rift in the middle of this year, as the beau's dad passed away suddenly in July (the day before my 30th birthday). It was truly a black hole that just sucked the light out of us. The support from friends and family was overwhelming, and we were more grateful than ever for having everyone, despite us taking a good deal of time to disconnect. Social media, blogging, all this fringe stuff is just so unimportant when you've got a bigger, life changing situation going on. A lot of things took a back burner while we tried to adjust to the upside down. As they should have. 
• Aboard AF: After several years of traveling domestically together, we finally made the leap abroad. This year we had quite a few epic adventures across the pond, visiting the Faroe Islands, Copenhagen, Iceland, London, Paris and Dublin. It'd been ten years (way too long of a hiatus!) since I'd last had a proper Eurotrip, and I'd been itching for the return to foreign languages, fabulous public transit, and delicious bread. It was also nice to see that the beau and I could travel well together in a more foreign setting. And hey, we got engaged in Paris, so now we will always have an excuse to return there (yas!). 
• Etc: Loved and lost a kitchen couch that rocked my world. Voted - twice - because primaries matter. Met our neighborhood graffiti artist. Finally went to the eye doc, dentist, and regular doc all within a 12 month span - hit that hat trick for the first time in way too long. Got over the Sunday Slump. Built more IKEA furniture than I have in a lifetime. Surfed various waves of anxiety. Spent a lot of time with family, as my grandma's house was fully cleared out and sold. Was a major spectathlete at the beau's SIXTEEN races this year - he put on over a thousand miles and ran his first full marathon in NYC. 

The year ahead is sure to be a busy one, and I won't make it out of it single. There are still plenty of big ch-ch-changes to come on the home front. The twenties felt like a decade of constant evolution, with a perpetual state of movement and few stationary points. This new decade feels like more permanent changes are afoot. Changes with longer term consequences. The fun and games aren't over, now it just feels less like the Hunger Games and more like chess. We've got to be three moves ahead and see a little further into the future, it's not just about surviving this moment, or living day by day. 2019 will kick that all off - may the odds still be ever in our favor.

2018: What a frickin' whirlwind!

* Though, this year there were only three weddings attended. A far cry from the eight-each-year pace we had been running at. It's official: a big chunk of us are "settled" -- HOW bizarre! Time for some renewing of vows, divorce parties, or something, because I'm already lamenting the lack of drunken dancing and playing dress up!
** Sorry in advance if you hate wedding talk - but, I frickin' love it. So, you can expect to see plenty more soul-searching and overly dramatic posts about wedding planning in 2019. If you want to tune out for those, I'll forgive ya. Shall try not to rabble too much about it.
*** Six of my top ten trafficked posts were in 2018 - and yet I had three months of radio silence to repay you all. Sorry, that's just the way it goes. Thanks for continuing to come back! 

(What) About Me

Here it is. It's coming. It can't be stopped and it's now less than a week away. That tiny little identity crisis in which I can no longer be trendy and call myself a "twenty something." That's right, it's finally here: 30.

NO, I'm not all that worried. I've gotten a lot of questions in the past 360 days about anything I wish I'd have done before "turning." You know, as if 30 is literally the grave (or I change into a werewolf??) and this was it, my last chance to make something of my life. Each time someone has commented, I usually had a retort along the lines of, "Yeah, I mean, on Wednesday I'm going to skip work, snort some coke and go BASE jumping, but after that I'm all set."

Like, what was I supposed to have done in my 20s that I can't do later? Be childish and irresponsible? Pfft, did that* - and plenty of people still do that in their 30s. Looking back on the past decade, I really don't feel like I "missed out" on anything. I mean, sure, regrets? I've had a few. But then again, too few to mention.... IE I did NOT regret all the Frank Sinatra I listened to...

Seriously though, I consider myself very fortunate. I'm skidding into 30 with some wonderful friends and family in my life, a beau who seems generally on board with my madness, a good job, no debt, and a pocketful of experiences (good and bad, at home and abroad) that have helped me smile, learn, and grow. True, it hasn't all gone exactly "to plan" but, sometimes life is more like an IKEA purchase with missing instructions: you'll still end up with a table, even if it's not quite what it looks like on the box, and you'll likely consult the internet along the way to figure out if it seems right but then just say "fuck it" and start guessing til it works.

What's my age again??

BUT, I digress...

What I'm really struggling with is not the actual transition. I'm satisfied with my semi-gray metamorphosis and continuation of general badassery as I launch into the big 3-Oh. What I am struggling with is nailing down an exact "definition" of where I'm at right now. Because, it's probably finally time to update my "About Me" page....

That's right, the About Me for this little blog. That solitary little time capsule of a post. I purposefully wrote it to avoid needing maintenance, over three years ago, and only popped back to read it a few times since. Knowing that this would be the point that it may need sprucing.

A little snapshot. Like a wayback machine for me.

As you can see, it's still my 'voice' overall, but after three years of tinkering on GTTP, I think it's time to refine a bit. OR, maybe not. Maybe that's still just perfectly accurate and I should be thrilled that I'm nothing if not consistent, and accept that really not a lot has changed to my overall personality and that page is still fairly spot on. So for the next week, I'll be racking my brain, deciding on if I need to make changes or if I'm still just me.

To be honest, I don't trust bloggers who constantly update their "About Me" page. Like, who are you and why are you telling me how to live my life if you can't even figure out your own self out? Yes, we all change and evolve (blah blah, good good), but as a whole, when it comes down to your persona, I honestly don't think people change that much. Sure, you may change jobs or cities or relationship statuses, but that's just putting yourself in different place or by different people, your disposition usually remains the same.** At least, after a certain point, you know, like maybe... thirty. 

* And thank goodness I stopped going at that "live it up" pace of my early twenties, or like, I'd probably be dead. Zero sleep, being irresponsible, and borderline alcoholism just aren't sustainable. 

** Unless you're one of those people who just chameleons to whoever is around you and isn't good at having any character of your own. Someone who mirrors and doesn't have any original thoughts/actions. Don't worry, we've all been there before. I tried that out in my twenties... thank goodness those twenties are just a phase! But in the meantime, like... go do you. 

Cast off the Shackles of Yesterday

Here it is, a moment almost eight years in the making:
I am now officially debt free!

Kickin' off those financial chains (that have become an unfortunate fashion statement of my generation) and running forward toward the future! It took just shy of eight years, but my student loans and car loan are now fully paid, and I feel $45k+ lighter (ouch, my soul). Just in time for my personal goal of breaking free before my 30th! (Can I get a "fuck yeah"??)

BONJOUR! Welcome to your debt free life!

When it comes to debt, there are often feelings of "being behind" or comparing against others. But really, this isn't a race in which we compete against one another. It's a race for all of us to get to the other side as soon as we can. A struggle against the "man" and a bitchin' awful burden that we all need to help push each other through. AND a race we need to then convince each other to stay out of and never run again, so as not to have a Sisyphean debt situation that haunts us til we're old and crotchety. (Because interest rates make people crotchety!)

So, while some of these may be obvious, I've had enough friends who have said, exhausted, "I can't wait til I get there" that I've compiled a list of things I did over the years to chip away at that mountain. Some being things I wish I'd have always done - so that I could've paid off my shit even sooner. These aren't financial wizardry, but hey, whatever gets the job done!

• Spend like you're as poor as you were that first summer : When I first moved down to Milwaukee, I was making $30k a year and working 50+ hour weeks (#salaried). My student loans had kicked in in full force and I had long since burned through any savings over the years (from trying to pay for uni upfront). I was pretty damn poor. And... it was a fantastically fun summer. I had a good time, and no money. Baseline. I know that I can live on a little, and that means a lot. They always say to not ramp up your living expenses too much as you make more money over the years, and then you can save more. It's true. 
• Keep pushing : Speaking of that first job.... OH my goodness, negotiate!! If I had a time machine, I'd kill Hitler, hug my grandma, and tell my 22 year old self to not be such a weak tit pansy and negotiate on that first salary. Know your worth and push to get paid what you deserve. Because over time, you'll make percentage raises. And when you get a pay raise on dirt, you just get slightly more dirt. (And this isn't Waterworld.) Keep fighting for more. 
• Work smarter, not harder : Pay off your debt with the highest interest rates first. Period. If you have credit card debt, then you better be tossing every spare dime you have at that shit, because the APR will murder you in your sleep if you don't. 
• Make it work for you : If you do have to pay using credit, get a card that gives you some sort of perk. Whatever your fancy is: airline miles, cash back, etc.* AS LONG AS YOU PAY IT OFF RIGHT AWAY, it can help you save in other ways.
• Know when to hold 'em : IE know what you're willing to splurge on and what you're not. Gas money to go see family? 100% yes. A nicer pillow for my creaky neck (#cuzim90)? Yes, or I'll die -  and the pillow will save a chiropractor bill. That root canal? Well damn, sure. Getting my nails done? Ha, not unless you mean getting some polish from the dollar store and doing them myself. Getting a soda at dinner? Yeah, I could buy a whole liter for that same price. AKA some things are worth your money, and some things are just fluff that you can do without. I mean, I went without internet for three years in my twenties (no smartphone either, I went to the library). So. Much. Savings.  
• Buy thrifty : Thrift stores forever! For furniture, tchotchkes and literally 95% of my clothes. Especially in my early twenties, I owned very few things that weren't on their second life. (I had never spent more than $20 on a pair of pants until I was 28.) If you hate the idea of pre-owned goods: A) good luck in a post-apocalyptic future state and B) then at least get a bargain! Outlet stores and sales seasons for bargain goods. And haggle for everything else. (Did you know that some dentists will give you a discount if you pay in cash? Don't ask me how I know that. Just know that it can be worth it to ask them.)
• Save on housing : you don't have to have that fancy apartment with in-unit laundry right away. You can live in a cheap (but safe) "shithole" for a bit, or at least do without some luxuries to save some moola.
• Be thrifty : Have the same amount of fun, but spend less. 
• Hit up happy hour instead of buying drinks or food full price. And always, always have leftovers.** 
• Have a water between every drink on a night out to save your head and your wallet the hangover. 
• If you're making a meal, stretch it out - add more noodles to that sauce, tag on some bread so you get filled up faster and eat less of the more expensive stuff, don't always have meat with every meal, etc.*** Buy fruit in season, buy in bulk for the rest, and freeze what you can. That includes buying snacks in bulk and then putting them into your own little baggies (like a drug dealer - of Teddy Grahams). 
• Go to free local events. 
• Travel on foot instead of Ubering. 
• Make your own damn coffee at home. 
• Fix things instead of buying new things. DIY some shit. 
• You don't have to pay for a gym - there are plenty of free videos online.
• Laundry can be skimped a bit - change into lounge clothes as soon as you get home from work and that blazer can be worn again! Also, air dry as much stuff as you can.
• Unplug shit and shut off lights. Seriously, it does add up. And #SaveThePlanet.****
• Keep the beater car as long as you can : Not having a car loan is the best. It lets you pay off other stuff faster. Don't feel bad if you have a beater car. If it's safe and it runs, hold onto it. Even if the tape deck is busted. 
• Vacation cheaply : Don't nix travel, just be careful about it.
• Visit someone you know and can crash with. Then you can save SO much, and, bonus, you get to see people you care about. (Thank you friends, for your kindness and your couches over the years!) 
• If it's cheaper to drive/train/bus than to fly, give that a go. 
• Instead of eating out on your trip every meal, hop to a grocery store and make some sandwiches or grab some cereal. 
• Try a "staycation" and go someone closer to home - odds are there are some really cool places within a few hours of where you are, and day trips mean you get to sleep in your own bed at night! 
• If you're lucky enough to travel for work, piggy back a few days off the end of a work trip to take time for yourself to enjoy. 
• Buddy. System. Travelling together means splitting costs as well! 
• Ask for practical gifts : My favorite Christmas gifts for the last ten years: contact solution and Nyquil. These are expensive necessities that Santa brings me to save me money. Thanks, Santa!
• Keep chipping : Every little bit really does help. Holiday bonus? Birthday card cash from grandma? Random money you found in your books while moving? (Yeah, I have some depression era tendencies of not trusting banks. Fight me.) Just push it all towards that principal, man.  

So... hate the idea of budgeting? Yeah. We all do. Just, be conscious of your spending. Make little changes that help you chip away without feeling like you're deprived. And then, deprive yourself from time to time to ramp up the pay off. It's a tough fight but, you know what they say.... love, is a battlefield. And we love having things (like a college education and a car that runs in all the gears). So sometimes we need to take on debt and then fight it, to get the junk we love. The point is, that we all keep fighting, and that we make it to the other side. Because, man oh man, does that other side feel fantastic! 

I did it! Cheers to victory and a debt free future!

* I have a Gap card. It gives me Gap cash to spend at Gap, Old Navy, Banana Republic or Athleta. And I frickin' love it. Is it an "adult" choice? Probably not. But I've gotten almost $1000 in savings on clothes since I got it. What does that look like? $600 in gap cash and $400 worth of extra savings from being a card holder. That free card cash has bought me jeans, work outfits, swimsuits, a full suit for the beau, baby shower clothes, Christmas presents for my family, etc. Plus, since I get that shopping bug, what's better than FREE clothes??

** You know where I first became a "regular" in Milwaukee? The Bees.... As in, the Applebee's. Because it was walking distance from my apartment (no taxi fare or DUI ticket fee). They had a 2 for $20 dinner special where I could eat an app and a dessert with a friend and then take my full main meal home for leftovers. Add on a $2 long island (or two). And boom, I've spent less than $15 for dinner and drinks with a friend PLUS two meals worth of leftovers. I have no regrets about those nights at the Bees, and neither does my wallet. 

*** When I studied abroad, I spent every dime on travel. When it was a regular week at uni though, I ate like a weird homeless person. I'd haggle for potatoes and carrots from the gypsies at the market on Sunday, pick up a pack of 80 euro cent "hot dogs" from Li'dl (the Aldi's of France), buy a few baguettes and some wine, a box of noodles and some butter. My total cost for food for the week would be around 10 euros (a little over $15 at the time). Again, baseline. I know I can survive off that and not die of scurvy - so I can eat on the cheap if needed and make something out of nothing. I also lost a lot of weight. So. Bonus.
**** Also, you know where you can charge that cell phone for "free"? Pretty much anywhere but your home. The library. The coffee shop. The office. Those places all have a much bigger budget for their electric bill than you do probably... Just saying. 

My Life as an Accidental Spectathlete

I'm not what one might call "athletic." As a teen, when all my gal pals were picking which Spice Girl best represented them, Sporty Spice wasn't even in my top five. (Yes, I know there were only five. That's how unrelatable I found her, her tracksuits, and ridiculously high pony.) And yet somehow, I've found myself in a relationship with...  a runner.

I assure you, he was not a running man when we started dating, or else my love-being-lazy-Spidey-senses would've gone off. But, as is his way, when he decides to be passionate about something, he goes ALL in. Cue last spring, at which point he had run a total of three 5ks in his life, just for funsies, and was one of those guys who never went to the gym, but somehow stayed super skinny (due to willpower - that personality trait which continues to elude me). Then one day he woke up, and decided that running was his thing. (Very Forrest Gump of him.)

And here we are. A year later. Since that revelation, in 2017, he ticked off the following races (not to mention countless training hours):

• Nine 5ks
• Two 8ks
• One quarter marathon
• Three half marathons
• And one 1-miler burrito run (don't ask)

2018 is just over three months in, and he's already surpassed the 300 mile mark. Beyond practice, we've had four races so far: two 5ks, one 10k, and another half marathon. Of these 20 competitions: I've so far only missed three.* Which means that, despite my general inability to run properly, firm opinion that running should be reserved for snagging the last donut in the break room / fleeing if one's life is in danger (zombies), and overall confusion as to why anyone would put their body through that torture... I've accidentally become a Spectathlete.

Running down the dream....

Being a Spectathlete goes beyond just showing up. That shit's for pansies. That was me, once: wandering aimlessly, bringing way too much shit without having anything helpful, and basically being more of a burden than a help. But now, I'm a well-oiled machine. A mix between the cranky-old-man coach from Rocky, cheerleader, and psychotic mama bear. While he's prepping by putting on the miles, I'm preparing to be the ultimate support system.

So, what does an average race day look like for someone who is acting as beach mom, coach, caddie, chauffeur, dasher, doctor and documentarian, all in one?

PRE
The weeks leading up:

• Constantly check the weather. The worse the predicted conditions, the more annoying I am about convincing the beau that racing is awful and he should stop.
• Read and re-read the event website. Figure out the best place to stake out. Memorize parking and street closure details. (I also scope out what kind of food/rewards will be given, so I know what snacks I can expect to hijack.)

Finisher freebies: breakfast of champions!

The night before:

• Continuous commentary about weather conditions.
• Nail down wake-up time based on start time. Set backup alarms.
• Make sure attire is laid out and ready (last minute laundry, as needed). Add backup race gear into my backpack (extra socks, fresh sweatbands, windbreaker jacket, etc). 
• Carbo load. This is for me, not the beau. He carbo loads prior. This is just an excuse for me to eat more while I stress about him somehow injuring himself the next day. 

The morning of:

• Awake at ass crack of dawn / stupid early. Make sure the beau is up / showering.
• Hydrate and have a quick breakfast. Pack second breakfast (usually candy) to eat while standing along the trail, staring at all the runners sweating and panting. 
• Argue about how he should wear more clothes, it's cold out. Slather some sunscreen on his face and neck as he squirms away. Try to convince him to wear a hat, lose the battle, pack said hat just in case he changes his mind. 
• Add last minute stuff into beach mom backpack - typically just body glide. You know. For the nips. 
• Freak out that we're leaving late and rush out, with a spiked hot cocoa in hand. 
• Since my man's legs don't need to be doing any additional work, I put the pedal to the medal. Sometimes that means a quick drive to an easily accessible lot near the starting line. Other times, it means having left too late and being blocked at every turn by various event barricades and me shrieking, "I'M GOING TO GET YOU TO THIS RACE!" while taking evasive action. 
• Arrive at course. Convince beau to stay in the car as long as possible. 
• Once we're in the throng of people, it's time for pre-race stretches. Because he doesn't stretch on his own ever, in the minutes prior to the start, I force him to do some leg swings, toe taps, and some bring-it-around-towns.
• About 15 minutes before the start, he gets antsy and leaves me to go stand in the corral, pushing his way to be near the pacer of his choice. I go find a spot past the start line and take a zillion rapid click photos trying to capture him among the crowd as the race begins.

Cocoa, cocktails, and cowbells

DURING

• As soon as he's off. I'm out. If it's a long run, I'll hoof it to get food, or will walk about. If the weather is awful, I'll hop back to the car and read or write up my weekly to-do list. If it's a short run, I don't go far. 5ks are a quick ordeal, and I want to be there for the finish. 
• For the long runs, I prop myself up along the route, ready to give the beau a mid-race cheer, a quick kiss, fresh socks, that hat he swore he wouldn't want, a tissue, etc. This also means I'm in prime position to have him chuck his empty water bottle or a sweaty jacket at me, to lighten his load. (At which point, I typically fail to catch whatever he threw, and have to dash into the course to chase after said object.)
• Yes, I carry a cowbell. When I'm not frantically waving it, being a screaming fanatic, it dangles off my beach mom backpack and I sound like a lost, stray sheep.
• Despite my tendency to eat ice cream while spectating, I genuinely try to support all the runners, even if it's stupid early and in typically less-than-optimal conditions. I've learned to yell helpful things, like "Don't forget to breath!" or "There's a GIANT puddle a few yards up - veer left!" or "You're just behind the 8:30 pacer!"
• Depending where I was staked out, sometimes I need to drop into a dead sprint to make it to the finish line in time. Cutting the course and dodging between the crowd to get to that final victory moment. It's a tuck-and-run, speedy little ninja scenario.
• Near the finishing chute, I hold my ground among the proud spouses, moms, and various fan clans. We make small talk. Many of us have already spoken while hanging out along the route. All of us want to catch that final photo of our loved one crossing (or about to cross) that finish line. We need to be there to give that last hurrah and to mop up their sweaty foreheads as they clumsily put on their medal. I'll cut a bitch if they get in the way, even if we're new race-day-BFFs. Plus, sometimes someone pukes after they cross the finish, and who doesn't want to have a front row seat to that ridiculousness??

Keep it up, runners! I'll be right here, snacking.

POST

• As official record keeper, I immediately shove a camera in the beau's reddened face. Especially for the winter races he foolishly signed up for (IN WISCONSIN), I was sure to photograph his frozen misery as a future cautionary reference. And then whatever photo I take, I text to his mom. #BecauseMoms
• After I've consumed his freebie finisher snacks, and he's had his post-race beer (again, Wisconsin - every occasion ends with a beer), we head to the car. He regales the tales of his adventure, providing a play-by-play of every pace change and hill. We critique the group who hosted the event and compare notes about how well they did (or didn't do) with setup, course markers, etc. 
• Once home, the commentary continues, as my dearest man obsesses over the posted times of others in his age group. I make the occasional comment and offer suggestions. He showers and (after much training) hangs up his sweaty clothes. 
• Have you ever seen a runner's feet? Don't. If you have to, just be ready to play doctor and patch up some bloody toes.** Forcing a man to take care of his body is like trying to force broccoli on a toddler - they'll thank you later. 

And then he's back to normal. I force him to hydrate, and he consumes an entire day's worth of calories in one sitting. Life returns to its usual pace, and I get a full 24-hours without hearing the comment "I'm going to pop out for a quick run..."

And then it starts all over again. 

No, running is not something I'm good at. Per my doctor, "Some people just aren't meant to be runners, sweetie." And no, it's not even something I really comprehend as a choice of hobby. BUT, once a year, instead of taking on my usual role as a spectathlete, we run a 5k together. We​ don't run side-by-side like some couples, because in this arena, we're not equals. He excels, and I'm so proud of him. When we're in the same race, he high-fives me while coming back around (when I have yet to even hit the turn around point). And when I huff my way, red-faced across that finish line, he's right there, cheering me on. Because at some point in the past year, running went from being a solo activity, to being a team sport. And since then, we've been running down that dream... together. 

Teamwork makes the dream work...

* In case you're curious as to why, of the three I missed: one I was in Vegas for a bachelorette, another I was in NYC for work, and the last one I had a going away happy hour for a coworker who was departing to go write her novel (worth celebrating!). So. Valid ish reasons, in my opinion.
** Helpful hint for preventative foot help: medical paper tape is good, Body Glide is better.