In Case of Emergency: Break Glass

It has taken me awhile to firmly come to this conclusion, but: I am the emergency glass friend. 

Let me explain.

As an extrovert, I watch relationships of everyone around me with rapt fascination. I chameleon my way about, trying to adapt to whoever I might be around just enough to make sure they "like" me - because we extroverts need to be liked or we'll die. We need human connection to live. And we're drawn into the connections of others like a moth to the flame. 

The state of my friendships and relationships has ebbed and flowed over the years, as it does for all of us. The proximity of close friends during a time like high school or college typically just doesn't exist in adulthood. And as we all barrel through different stages of life, we find connections shift and realign depending on what era others are in versus us. This is all completely normal and a beautiful (sometimes sad) evolution. 

Some personalities (or life choices) drift one towards certain paths. We land more firmly in certain categories than others. For example... Those who have one best friend, and it's their spouse/partner.* Those who have few, but very close friends (either all locally or all completely scattered across the globe). Those who have a wide array of acquaintances, but lack really strong bonds. Those who have a mix of local and long distance fellowship, on a variety of levels. Etc. And, one most fascinating to me: the adult BFFs. 

The adult BFFs are a rare, beautiful breed to me. Often stemming from childhood or young adulthood, they are quite literally two peas in a pod. They are up-to-date on all the goings on in one another's lives. They spend time together (whether in person or virtually) OFTEN. They have inside jokes that span decades, can fight like an old married couple,** and can read one another's emotions so well it's almost alarming. They're the ones who give the best person speech at the other's wedding and legit sob because they know there is a forever shift occurring in their perfect dynamic that they'll have to overcome - but they'll make it happen, because the F in BFF is FUCKING FOREVER. They care so deeply. They are a huge priority to each other. They are something special in a world full of loneliness. 

I am not one of these people. 

But it was in witnessing these people that I realized what category I personally fall into. 

• I am not the ride or die. I am the "I'm dying on this ride - help!"  
• I am not the one who has a standing friend hangout, I am the one you call when you've been left hung out to dry. 
• I am not attached at the hip with anyone, but the one who drives you for a hip replacement. 

I am the emergency glass friend. If you need me: I will show up for you in whatever way I can / you need. You turn on that "need friend!" bat signal, and I will answer the call. We may have not spoken in weeks, even years, but if you say that my support is what you need (or don't have support from elsewhere so need someone to step up), then that's what you'll get. 

And honestly, it works very well for me to help fill this niche need in the friend arena. I wouldn't have the mental/emotional/physical capacity to be "all in" all the time for the net of people I consider friends,*** but I sure can dial it up to 11 for shorter periods as needed. Which maybe sounds shitty but, it's really true that we all just have only so many hours in a day, and limited attention to give to others outside our immediates. How available I am to fill this role can vary by era - for example, when I had a newborn baby and was just surviving, or when it was peak pandemic and I had my own personal demons to fight before helping others with theirs. In these times, I'm still "on call" if the beacons are lit, I might just not be as fast to get to Gondor. 

While I keep referencing this very abstractly, here's some random tangible examples from the past such and such years - more obscure than the usual verbal/emotional support, but, you know, to give you some idea. What being the emergency glass friend looks like has a lot of range. It can look like: 2am memes while holding a screaming baby. Driving you to O'Hare because your connection in MKE had issues and you missed the bus. Going to an apartment showing and videoing you for a walk through when you're too sick to go. Proofing a resume/letter of complaint/two weeks notice email. Helping you practice for a eulogy/breakup speech/interview. Being an open door during a power outage. Long phone calls (always, any time. I love long phone calls). Scraping you up off a bar bathroom floor on a Tuesday night because liquor hits different in your thirties. Roadside pickup when you've got a flat. Being your driver after surgery. Sewing the arm back on your toddler's stuffed animal. "Accidentally" running into you while on your failed date when you text me your need-to-bail safe word. Driving the U-Haul for your move / when you decided to thrift something too big for your car. Cat-sitting even though I'm allergic. Being your unofficial wedding photographer when yours is annoying you (or anything wedding related, really). Helping un-super-glue your hands when a craft project went awry. Providing a spreadsheet with unnecessary levels of detail for simple recommendation requests. There is an endless volume of ways to "show up" - I live in the full realm of possibility, because life is NOT linear and is absolutely messy. 

This emergency glass role wouldn't suit everyone. 

• Some people have a greater need for more constant involvement in the lives of their friends, or feel like friendships get retired when not maintained. One thing I can truly say is that if you have ever been someone who I cared about in life, you will always be someone who I care about in life.**** You're stuck with me for always, even if I'm just lurking in the distance and we never across paths again. I'm still there. 
• I know a lot of people would feel like one gets "used" for support during just the hard times, and misses out on the good times. But, I have enough good times to be getting on with and never want someone I care about to feel like their amongst a fair-weather flock with no one to turn to in the rough waters. It's so much harder to ask for support when you need it when you feel like a burden - you're not a burden. Reach out. 
• Certain eras may be more conducive to taking on this role. For example: as someone who was recently a "new mom," everything of the pregnancy/postpartum era is still very fresh, so I can easily tap in to support new moms in progress. It'd be harder for me to show support in a tactful way if I hadn't had the experience myself. So I'm a much better candidate for glass breaking for traumas or events I've lived through as well - which is part of why I'm an over-sharer in general on the Socials: so friends know they can reach out, that they're not alone, that they have an ally with a shared experience. 
• I'm lucky enough to be deeply supported and connected in my own life, to give time and energy to support others in theirs. 

Hopefully I've not offended loved ones with the more in-and-out nature of my friendships, and they've always felt I was there when needed. My number one wish is that my emergency friend services have been helpful over the years - I have been so damn hashtag blessed to be trusted by people to help navigate the chaotic times. And if you're reading this thinking, "Girl, that's just what I need at this point in my life!" Well then grab the tiny hammer and smash that glass, friend. And I'll be seeing you soon. 

Tissues? Coffee? Wine? A baseball bat?
Just let me know what to bring! 

* There are also those for whom this is not a choice. People in abusive relationships or with very jealous/territorial partners. People who have debilitating physical situations or chronic illnesses, that limit their ability to bond with others. Etc. They may be people who desperately long for a 'village,' but are cut off from having those connections due to a toxic and/or uncontrollable situation. 

** Note that some of the MOST toxic friendships I've ever seen are adult BFFs. The kind that force things to stay a certain way because they've simply invested too much time and literally lack any other form of companionship due to just how much they've only focused on this singular thing. And even if they have longggg since outgrown one another, and bring out the very worst in each other, they'll still outwardly pitch how great it is to be the bestest of the besties. Forever. Whether they like it or not. 

*** I say all this as one very lucky bitch. I have a very wide net of people I consider close to me and I am FOREVER grateful for that. It's a legit privilege to be considered a friend by people, given all the options they have for companionship in this world. 

**** I can think of like... maybe TWO exceptions to this. But luckily, I don't personally have many in my life who have done SO wrong by me that I don't wish them well and wouldn't help them if they needed it. I might not care to the degree I once did about them (especially if they were former romantics, obvi), but I still care enough to hope the best for them and be here if they need support.