TW: post contains references to miscarriage, fertility struggles, etc. If any of that is hurtful to your heart in this era of life, please skip. Your feelings matter. Love you!
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The topic of fertility can be a delicate one. I’ve so appreciated the good vibes, hopeful thoughts, and well wishes from each and every person over the past several years, during my various eras of pregnancy, motherhood, loss, etc. Following my last post, I was overwhelmed by the number of heart wrenching stories that were shared with me from other mothers (and/or would-be mothers) and their partners about all the struggles they’ve faced on the journey to becoming parents. Tiny pieces of my heart broke off to go live with each of them, like little Jiminy Crickets snuggling on their shoulders to help them heal, to let them know they are forever loved, and to whisper little “hey, you’re gonna be okay” sweet nothings at them semi-creepily in the lonely hours of the night.
Having been so vocal about both my pregnancy, birth story, postpartum ups/downs, and our recent miscarriage, I opened up the conversation door and waved folks in. I was glad to be one voice to help represent a single version of experiences shared by many. More than willing to be a thoughtful ear or a shoulder to cry on. A constant beacon of support for familiars near and far. BUT with that has also come the unfortunate awkwardness of people caring and wanting to know how things are going but also wanting to be delicate about asking for updates. The clumsy conversation that is at the intersection of past trauma and winky "hey how is banging your husband going, ya knocked up yet?"
So, just to make it easier, I'll do what I always do: spin up an unnecessarily long blog post.
For Those of You Just Tuning In
- Our beautiful baby girl is now a ferocious and feisty toddler who just turned two. She’s not my *whole* world, but pretty darn close. We couldn’t be luckier to have her – she is a true light in a darkening world.
- Our second pregnancy did not go to term. I had a fairly traumatizing Missed Miscarriage in the spring. One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. One in four.
Current State of the U
We are not expecting. I am not pregnant.
Miscarriage is a tricky thing. If you're lucky, when it's through, you're told that your body has returned to a non-pregnant state and there is no reason you won't go on to have a perfectly normal pregnancy. Carry on, dear womb, go try again. "When you're ready," my doctor added, with a kind undertone. "Your mental and emotional health matters and much as your physical health," she assured me.
A lovely sentiment... for a younger uterus.
Given my "advanced" maternal age, the desired timeline in my head, and the miscarriage that had "set us back" five months, my "being ready" seemed like the least important piece of this puzzle. So I insisted that we get back on the proverbial horse and start trying again. I tried not to put too much pressure on the situation outwardly to my husband, while in my mind the clock was SCREAMING at me about the very finite window of opportunity for another healthy pregnancy (in my preferred timeline*).
What I didn't realize was that my period had decided to become irregular (not necessarily due to the miscarriage, more likely just due to aging) - meaning that calculating a fertility window was a bit more of a task. Like aiming for moving goal posts. And we kept missing.
Month after month, when my period arrived, so did a wave of sadness and frustration. More time "lost." The weeks ticked on with my silent alt-history timeline running in my head of just how fat and pregnant and miserable I'd be if our second baby had made it to term.
This week we'd have been welcoming our new little one to the world.** We'd be on the brink of a totally new adventure again. A new phase of difficulty and pure joy.
Instead, we are just waiting. Waiting to find out if the most recent attempt "worked," or if it was another swing and a miss. I know that if it's the latter, given the alt history of where we could be, this month will be exceptionally difficult. (Maybe a little dash of deep-in-my-soul depression to sprinkle on top of one's regular Wisconsin-winter-seasonal-depression, but also with a santa hat on #cuzfestive!) But I'm also a practical woman... I know that two times of "easily" getting pregnant did not mean that was a forever situation. I know just how lucky we are to have gotten pregnant two times, period. I know that a few off months doesn't necessarily indicate a larger problem and that our time may come.
But now, in addition to those things I know, I'm also learning... About secondary infertility (which I hope is not us). About local options for fertility doctors (to see if something straightforward is amiss - we will NOT being going the IVF or other routes, that's just not a path we want to go down). About how my emphasis of the timeline and my stress around the situation has impacted our attempts and relationship. About how while I say I'm okay with being "one and done," having been on the brink of two, it's clear just how much my heart aches for a second wee bebe, how much the vision in my mind included that second child. About just how many other women have found themselves in this exact same situation, but haven't had people to talk to about it.
I keep reminding myself that I'm one of the lucky ones. Not to say I'm not allowed to feel my feels and the full spectrum of sadness, confusion, joy, etc. But just that we are lucky. To have an OB I trust for guidance through this. To have access to fertility information and options and be financially secure enough to fund whatever path we end up on. To have a supportive and loving partner, and a village of friends (especially mom friends) and family to openly have conversations about all this with. To still feel GENUINE happiness for all our loved ones who are having successful fertility journeys (seriously - I promise I can feel emo for myself while still wanting to talk ALL the baby things and feel excited for you all!). To have our perfect daughter to bring me constant happiness. And to have my health in all this.
We're at a strange point in this journey. I'm hopeful for the days ahead, but also working on my mental shift back to total acceptance around whatever our family unit looks like a year from now - whether we stay a trio or expand to a wee crew of four. Sending lots of love and luck in the new year to all those down a similar path, and all those on a totally different one. Life can look so different for each of us, but still be so beautiful.
* I have mentally set a line in the sand for myself that if we're not pregnant by the time I'm 36, we may just be one and done. Having too big of an age gap between kids stresses me out and at that stage in life, I don't know if I'll mentally or physically be able to restart at the newborn stage, I just don't know if I want to go down that path. Maybe this will change, but right now that means we have until next summer to be successful at this thing for a third time. And given one has only a handful of fertile days per cycle, that is a very tiny window indeed.
** Via a planned induction, a week before my due date, if they hadn't arrived sooner, given how massive our darling first baby was and her and devastation on my body lol I had already discussed with my OB when I'd found out I was pregnant.
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