It’s a known fact that if I eat chocolate, of any variety, I
will end up with chocolate on some odd spot on my body. All over my face, on my
elbow, on my foot: it’s bound to end up somewhere. This is my curse. And this contributes directly to
my adventure of the night. My fate was already sealed.
In case you’ve forgotten, physical exertion (other than
actual manual labor, which I relish) and I don’t necessarily get along. But,
plagued with my walrus complex, I’ve been continuing to attempt to sneak in
exercise. Tonight’s plan: walk to get froyo at the local home of my delicious
obsession. It’s only a mile walk to get there, so seemed plenty reasonable.
Plus, there would be froyo for dinner. Worth it.
Donned the workout garb (so the world would take my efforts
seriously as I marched down the sidewalk) and popped in the ear buds. Hit the
streets, my little drawstring backpack jingling as my keys collided with my wallet.
A dozen strides into my jolly stroll to victory and I suddenly felt the
humidity, noticed the ominous dark clouds, saw the wind jostle the trees around
me… a storm was coming. I knew I should just turn back, but got hit with a
freakish determination instead. There was no way I was going home empty-handed.
Halfway to my destination, I knew I wasn’t going to be the
storm and instead opted to duck into a grocery store. It may not be as magical as
picking between twenty flavors and adding on any topping imaginable, but I
figured a half gallon of ice cream might do the trick. Might make me feel
better about the lack of froyo, freeze my sorrows, etc. Not one to waste a trip
to the grocery store, I also grabbed a grapefruit, two yogurts, a pack of gum
and some waffles. Seriously, it didn’t make sense to me either, but I’m
compulsive so it happened. And it all got rapidly stuffed into my tiny
drawstring backpack at the checkout, in my frantic race against time.
Back outside, the sky was eerily dark, with rays of sun
attempting to break the clouds on the horizon. The wind was gale force. And I
was screwed.
I slung the bag over my shoulders and took off at a fast
pace, hoping for the best. At the intersection, I stood impatiently, getting
knocked about by the wind, sweating buckets in the humidity. And then,
something worse… I had been so distracted in getting home that I didn’t
realize. Despite the heat, my back was FREEZING. The ice cream was pressed
squarely into my back, and by the sound of it, was melting rapidly. The signal
changed.
The situation was now desperate. I broke into a jog, but the
drawstring bag jumped around too much. I pulled the strings close to me so it
wouldn’t bounce, but that just pulled the ice cream closer into my body heat. Attempting
to arch my back so it wouldn’t melt the ice cream, I went into a half jog, half
gallop. Realizing that I probably resembled a drunken Quasimodo staggering his
way home, I decided to hell with it and just started running.
And that’s when the grapefruit exploded.
It had decided to give up on life, just like me. So I let
out my now standard “why me?!” exasperated howl (somewhere between a sigh, a
King Kong holler and a yodel) and
continued my sprint home as the grapefruit juice and ice cream soup pooled up on
my back and dripped its way down my side. There was no way in hell I wasn’t going to make it home
before it started raining, after all that.
Sweaty and beaten, my drawstring backpack leaking on my leg,
in a total huff, I arrived back to my apartment. My neighbors were unpacking
their kids from their after-school activities. The small ginger girl child who
always wears a rainbow tutu glared at me, a bottle of water in her hand. I
judged her drinking bottled water almost as much as she judged my disheveled
appearance. Politeness was exchanged with the parents. And I ducked past my
birds and into my home, putting an end to the madness.
I’d also like to point out that at the time of posting this,
it still has not rained. And the ice cream soup, it was delicious. Sigh.
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| You can't see from this angle where the chocolate ended up, but I assure you, the curse remains stubbornly intact. |
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