ForgetFull

You often hear people refer to certain actions as instinctive. "It's like riding a bicycle," they say. Once you know how to do it, no matter how long it's been, you'll remember how. The method curls up inside the creases of your brains and surfaces at the point it becomes necessary again.

Most of that is total shit. The last time I tried to ride a bicycle I pretty much just tipped right over and looked like an asshat. (Granted, I was never the picture of balance and pose, but that's not the point.) Because sometimes you just plain forget and need to relearn. To retrain your bod.

Sometimes, when I forget one of those intuitive things and, I hit quiet panic mode. There have been several times in my life where I've randomly forgotten how to spell the word "because." Why? Because if you LOOK too long at that word, your brain can talk you out of it... Surely that's now how it's spelled. You've mixed up the letters. Or added too many. It definitely has too many letters, take some out... And the next thing you know, it's taken five minutes to hand-write a sentence and you've replaced "because" with "due to" since there was no agreement to be made regarding letter sequencing.

But I digress.

The other day I came to a very stark realization that threw me completely for a loop. I was getting dressed in the morning, in my usual fashion, and glanced over at the mirror to make sure all the buttons of my blouse were done properly (we've all made that mistake) and I realized...
I wasn't sucking in my stomach.

Why have you betrayed me, ice cream, old friend?!?

Now, it's not that I've suddenly lost weight, or was wearing a baggy shirt or something, so it wasn't necessary any longer. It was just there. There was my tummy. Just chilling. Not protruding, but just a part of my body that you could see was there, that existed hidden just below that layer of fabric.

And I was horrified.

What was it doing there, being noticeable? (Ultimate betrayal!) Immediately, I tried to suck it in. To no avail. The "forgot how to ride a bike" hysteria bubbling up, I lifted up my shirt and gave my midriff a good stare down in the mirror. It was like my abs had forgotten what to do. I continued to try to pull it in, but despite my efforts and no matter how much I glared, my gut didn't budge.

How long had this been going on? And how hadn't I noticed?? I tried to think back on the history of this habit...

• Middle school: straight as a board, no butt nor boob to speak of, as my fellow classmates started sprouting by several inches and flaunting newly formed cleavage in spaghetti strapped tanks. Eventually I figured out that if I pushed my bum back and leaned my chest forward, there was a slight illusion of curves. Cue years of resulting back problems and funny walks.  
• High school: same shit as above, plus the beginning of my back-of-mind obsession with the 0.7 solution - aka the waist-hip ratio of my dearest Audrey (and many other iconic ladies). If you sucked in, it was like it was almost possible! Come on, hourglass!
• College: late nights in the library throwing back buckets of Dew, wing night, fishbowl night, dollar burger night, unlimited swipes at the caf, plus a total lack of "real" exercise, THEN having to squeeze into some skimpy outfit for a Greek dance each weekend? You can bet your bottom dollar I was holding my breath and every bit of bulge back that I could (special thanks to control top pantyhose, dim lighting and beer goggles!). 
• Post-college: new city, new friends, more nights on the town than one cares to admit. The cattle auction that is modern dating didn't allow for jiggly error. We all know that the reality of the "paint me like one of your French girls" pose is you holding in your stomach with every ounce of energy you have, lest the reality flub sideways. Let it be known: any "sexy" breathless voice heard in the bedroom is probably coming from a woman whose abs are shaking with tension, anxiously awaiting the turning out of a light.* 

So when did I forget how? Is it because I became one of those "settled down" gals in a relationship? ... Oh geez, someone please tell me I'm not that girl in sweatpants with one of those volleyball player headband things over my ponytail, wearing fucking Ugg boots and eating a pint of ice cream in the street while my perfectly fit BF runs circles around me. You know, the one who "gave up" because she "already got a good one" and "doesn't have to try anymore." ((vomits in corner))

OR is it just that at some point I stopped caring so much what other people thought? That I accepted myself and my body a bit more and finally stopped being so self-conscious?

OR maybe that I finally stopped buying clothes that were "super cute" and that I'd "fit into someday" or that "look good if it's not a fat day," and finally just bought clothes that fit who I am and compliment my bod as it is, right here right now?

OR did I somehow get complacent and lazy? Is this just a part of the zero-fucks-given mentality that comes as one approaches 30??

OR am I really just so drastically out of shape that the atrophy in my abs has finally gotten to the point where I tell them to engage and they just look up from the couch, pausing the Netflix, and say "go get me a sandwich, bitch"? 

It's hard to tell what (or when) the turning point was. But, if you see me making funny faces, or holding my breath, just pretend I don't look like a freak. I'm practicing. My tummy needs to train, to relearn in case of emergency. What if I run into Ryan Reynolds (just after his divorce) some day?? Pretending to look skinny isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. Cue "Eye of the Tiger" and, maybe hold off on the ice cream... for a few days.

* Well helloooooo self-conscious whispers of my youth! Long time no see! Thanks for making that middle decade of my life an anxiety ridden nightmare... It's cool, I get it. Yeah yeah, no, I forgive you, it was a long time ago... Yeah, I'm doing just fine, and you?... Oh, married, huh? Wow, that's great. Two kids? You don't say. Well, I'm glad life is going so well for you... Me? Oh, yep, just swell. Stellar. Not still fending off demons from my past at all, I mean, yep, job is great too!...  Yeah, we should really meet up, grab a drink some time, catch up properly...  For real. Let's do it and not just say we'll do it. Yep, any time.... ((head spins around like in the Exorcist, pushes off bridge))