Yo, Fro

My indecision and love for color comes to a head whenever I go for froyo.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't have a system. Everyone does. It's just that I lose my mind regardless and wind up with ten pounds of frozen rainbow goodness regardless* of said game plan.

When you go into a froyo place, sure there are other options, but they don't matter. The only one that matters is the "pump fro, top with yo, and pay by weight" method. I'm not going to buy a shake or a smoothie. I'm not a monster. (Although, there is something to be said for the take-home pints. But. Slippery slope, that one.)

Upon entry, the smart method would be to read the board/sign listing the flavors and then hone in on which ones you wish to have, going only to those specific pumps. What most end up doing instead is leisurely strolling along the nozzles. Stopping, reading, moving back, then forward, then sporadically about. Getting in LITERALLY everyone's way as they peruse the selection.** Yes, we've all been guilty of this one. My desire for efficiency puts me in a third bucket. I grab my container (the biggest one, every time, because I don't want my toppings to cascade all over the floor - they're nestled in when in that big basin) and go straight for the first pump. I then proceed to walk straight down the line, adding as I go.

About ten percent of the time this backfires, and I end up pumping a tart / sorbet flavor that I could've gotten down the line in a sweeter froyo. More often then not, this is the culprit of my excess. "Oh, a chocolate, yes I want a chocolate!" Two pumped later, "Oh, DUTCH chocolate you say? Well, don't mind if I do!" The result is either rather duplicate or a fantastic Frankensteinian rainbow. If not all the flavors mesh, I just mix them together like a child and call it a day. All flavors as one flavor!

Then of course comes the goods. The toppings. The reason most people pay eight bucks for a tiny dish and wonder why it's so expensive. Because, dear friends, those cherries and brownie chunks, they're frickin' heavy. (Science, man.)

Bring it on, froyo pump hogging youths! Mama's got a pink spoon and she means business!

I'll admit a controversial opinion here: I could do without the toppings. I'm perfectly content with plain old frozen delight, without all the extras. THAT being said. I do dapple. I go for a precise amount to get a little hint of toppings without adding too much to deter from the main event / too much weight to the price. Typically, that is the following: four to five chocolate chips, two boba balls (WHAT are those things?!), a single mini reeses cup, and then a SHIT TON of sprinkles. Unless, you know, it's one of those days where they have Nutella out. Then it's all over.

Any season, froyo is an easy go-to when I don't have the willpower to have ice cream in my home and want a treat. I can even pretend to be fairly "healthy" by just getting the fat-free flavors. And then I can shoot that healthy figment of my imagination straight in the face with chocolate chips and a bucket of Nutella. And, as I elbow my way past the youths, colorful dish of victory in hand, I know there's no point in pretending that the deliciousness in hand is good for me from a nutrition standpoint. BUT, for my soul? Yeah, it sure as hell is good for that.




* Today, Google taught me that "irregardless" is largely considered to be NOT a word. So. There's another instance of a word/phrase I've used my whole life without regard (AKA irregardless) to proper usage.
** This is almost as bad as the swarm of teenagers who bog down the pumps as they "sample" every single frickin' flavor. You know, the ones who then scurry off, laughing about how they gamed the system, while everyone else openly judges and hates them. *shakes fist at the youths*