New Year, New List

It's 2019. The last teens I'll see in my lifetime. And instead of pretending that I was motivated at the start of January, I'll be honest and say: I knew I wasn't. So I instead plotted out my goals to 'begin' later. (Why try and force yourself to fail - amirite?)

For the past several years, I've done a little kick off to the year with some overall bits of resolve. No point in letting old habits die now, eh? So here are some of the things I'm aiming for in the next eleven.

1. Hydrate: This is always high on my list. Nothing has changed. I need to do better.
2. Pinch those pennies: Mercifully, I'm debt free, and haven't had to budget too closely for the past few years. But it's time to crack down a bit to save for upcoming expenses. Just to get more of a surplus, since currently I don't have a route to make additional income.*
3. Nip that waistline: Must eat better. Must be more active. It's not that hard, I just need to properly focus and get into it.
4. Unfunk the funk: The winter blues, man, they get me. 
5. Hug the planet : It needs a little TLC. I need to make more little changes to help out with that big old problem of our world going to shit. Finally remembering reusable bags at the grocery store. Walking to work once it's warm out instead of driving. Trying to create less waste in general. One thing I already did: sent an email to several organizations (ones who I've donated to in the past who continue to send me paper mail all the time) and asked to be taken off physical mailing lists and instead be put to email lists - that saves them money and saves ink/paper/time for all.... Basically: we can all do better. We need to do better. There's no excuse to not try and do better.
6. Beauty routine: Besides the whole hydrate/exercise/eat better, getting on a better routine involving vitamins, face masks, fancy shampoo, and figuring out what the hell one is supposed to do with cuticles anyways. For Christmas, I also got one of those fancy rose quartz face rollers - and while I don't believe in the crystal flimflam, I'm all about destressing and depuffing! I've been lucky enough to have good skin, hair, health (mostly), etc. so time to double down and keep it that way. (Off to a good start on this one!)
7. Revel in it: You don't get many chances to plan a big event like a wedding (knock on wood). So I need to make sure to not stress, and just enjoy it - because I really do love this shit. And, I'd dare to say that I'm pretty good at it. 
8. Blue light special: Started this last year but fell out of practice over time. Will go back to doing no screens (TV, phone, laptop, etc.) after 9:30 pm. Back to book reading, general relaxing, etc. Also need to keep my Instagramming averaging under 45 minutes a day - it's been getting up there with the wedding and vacation searches, mustn't let it continue to get out of hand (because holy cow 45 minutes is SO much time - stupid rabbit hole!). 
9. Fix. That. Posture. SERIOUSLY. Quasimodo over here needs to get it together.
10. Hate a bit less: Overall, I'm a generally nice and happy person but... I love talking / thinking smack. It's so invigorating. But, there's enough hate in the world, so I need to focus less on being judgey and more on being positive / ignoring shit I'd normally spend time judging. It's just a waste of my time and efforts on things that just don't matter.**
11. Cut the noise : Speaking of hating less... I Marie Kondo'd my social media and unfollowed a bunch of people (that didn't spark joy - LOL). There are a lot more I need to get rid of, specifically people who just appall me with their behavior. It's like watching a train wreck though - I just can't look away. But I should.*** It would make me a happier person to not constantly be frustrated with the idiots of the world. 
12. Wardrobe wear-out : Started this January 1st. In an effort to see what I really still like to wear - I have to wear it all. Will be detailing this madness in a separate post. 
13. Help the others : Newly engaged? I've got you, boo! I've been doling out Gina's Engagement 101 wisdom by the bucket lately. Because, from what I've seen, all brides-to-be form a pretty badass lady gang. I've been so grateful for all the ones who've reached out, checked in, and helped me out, and I want to do everything I can to put that goodness back out into the world. Like Headmaster Zefron said, "We're all in this together." 
14. Spend more time with family : The one I was born into and the one I chose. Because time is precious and they deserve the best version of me that I can give.

There are a LOT of big changes coming this year. This will sound completely out of character, but: I've been grateful to have a fairly low-key start to 2019 (at least up to this point!). It's given my brain some time to reflect and my attitude some time to get over itself. Change isn't something we're necessarily hardwired to "like," but as a species we wouldn't have made it this far if we hadn't learned to adapt. Hoping some of my little plans above, my little roots, will keep me grounded in the year ahead. Hold strong, little roots! 

Time to take a bite out of 2019!

* IE NO I'm not getting a second job, or a side hustle, or any of that nonsense. I'm quite content just tightening the purse strings a wee bit and am nowhere near desperate enough to pump time into becoming a hustler. For all the "self care" pushing of 2018, there was likewise a shit ton of "hustle" attitude promoted. It was a vicious cycle of people stressing themselves to the point of needing to do actual self-care. So like, is everyone suppose to work fifty jobs, and "do what makes them passionate," and also take time for bubble baths? Kudos to those who attempt to balance all that but, no thanks. Not necessary for me right now. Plenty of other things to care about putting time towards. Already a wonder woman, I don't need to hustle just for hustling sake. And bubble baths stress me out more than anything. 
** Plus, I just feel so quick to anger lately, and frustrated so frequently. And my hating just feeds into that. I also read that it could likely just be a symptom of Depression - which is probably just a suburb of my Anxiety. But I'm not ready to move to the suburbs. I'm comfortable living downtown at the intersection of Panic Parkway and Stress Street, just around the corner from Eagerness Ave - where I curb stomped serenity back in '05 and never looked back. 
*** And honestly - what kind of psycho actually likes watching train wrecks?? Like, I should feel bad about feeding views towards this nonsense. But I guess social media is like Nascar - people only watch for the carnage and to have the loud noise distract them from their own thoughts.

I do, I do, I do, I do, I do

... love me some planning!

With ABBA's greatest hits on repeat, the wedding planning has been cruising right along. Depending who you ask, we're drastically behind or doing just fine. According to my meticulous spreadsheets, we're rockstars and the naysayers are officially off the guest list. Since most else in life has been taking a back seat during all this, figured some update to prove I'm alive and that we're making progress wouldn't go amiss. So, here's some stuff that's gone down on the planning front since the engagement, and a bit of a follow up to some of those fabulously half-assed answers from November.

• We have a date! And it's less than a year out from the day we got engaged - no pressure! By the end of September 2019, we'll be oh so officially husband and wife. We're pumped to have locked in a fall slot. Our logic: summer would be way to sweaty for me, winter could cause travel issues, and spring was too risky for the dreaded "rain on your wedding day" that Alanis Morissette ironically warned against (plus I didn't want to wait til 2020, to be honest). Added bonus: our date comes with a built in theme song, so we'll never forget our anniversary!
• We have a venue! We basically picked a mansion by the lake. Because, why not? Added bonus: we get it for the entire day, which means I will be lounging about the place in my PJs and pretending it's my house all morning.
• We have a photographer and a DJ! After buckets of research, we signed some legit looking documents and parted ways with a few more deposits. We've got a wizard set to go behind the lens, a nerdy crew for the jams, and all the uplighting you can handle (because I insisted). Added bonus: we also managed to finagle some discounts! Holla!
• I have the dress! Speaking of discounts, holy shit did I get a deal on the dress. I had been researching and pinning, and just went to go check out a shop with my mom, very casually, with no intent of even trying a dress on, but the woman at the shop was so chill and before I knew it, I I was buying my dress! Added bonus: originally, the dress was almost two grand, and I got it for $400! (As a midwest gal, the glamour of the deal is almost as important as the glamour of the dress!!) It just will need a little bit of alteration (adding a bustle, tightening up the bust - but else it's almost my size as is!) and wham, bam, thank you ma'am! 
• We have a color scheme! And yes, I caved and made an effin' Pinterest board of it (DM for link - because I know everyone has just been holding their breath! lol). 
• Some things are still in the works:
• We have a tentative plan for officiant, guest list, and wedding party, just need to do some communicating on all that. 
• Hotels, the website, and all date saving / invitation type things are still being tinkered with.  
• I have about fifty different game plans for the DIY chuppah I'm going to build. Chuppah begets centerpieces, so once I nail that down, I can properly plot tables out.
• I've got a shady scheme going currently for florals and cake - should it all go to plan, will post about that some day. 

Wisconsin: it's where our love story started, so it's where we're getting married!

Important things I've learned:

1. Haggle. It's expected. Worst case scenario? You don't get a discount and pay what you planned to pay anyways. Else, many aspects can be customized to save cash moneys. 
2. Meltdowns. They happen. Don't try to be tough, just let that shit out and move along. That's how you keep them as mini, bite-sized anxiety attacks ... instead of  family-sized. 
3. Wedding Expos are a circus, in hell. If you attend, have a game plan. Be aggressive and hit up the bar immediately. Bring address labels with your name, email and wedding date/venue on them so you don't have to fill out a million little slips to enter into drawings - because that's why you're there. Drawings. And cake samples. The rest is just fluff. (I could do an entire post on the nightmare that was the one expo I attended - if anyone wants to hear that saga, let me know!)
4. Kindred. There's a lot of other brides-to-be out there. Band together, ladies! Because the war stories are great, and it's nice to compare notes. (There's also a lot of ladies who are wived up already, who have the value of hindsight to help calm any worries.)
5. Make it rain. Money means nothing anymore. The wonderfully foolish amount of cash thrown at weddings is a fun little game of trying to spend less. All you can do is just remember your budget, and make a plan for bringing in extra dough if you find yourself wanting to go over. (In the beau's case, he works overtime to make more - in my case, I spend less the save more.) 
6. No monsters here. Putting your foot down does not make you a bridezilla. (She who is in charge of planning, gets to have final say on plans.) Feeling stressed does not make you a terror. This is a major life change, and that sort of metamorphosis isn't always pretty, but in the end you come out a butterfly - so it's all good. 

The best thing about all this? The beau hasn't been scared away by all the planning. Now that the big boxes are checked, we're just getting excited about all the little details we'll get to have for what's going to be a wonderful day. One wonderful day, one perfect point in time, to kick off what will be a wonderful lifetime. Sure, we'll kick it off with a little less cash in our pockets, but with just as much love in our hearts. (Cheesy enough for y'all?)

Hindsight Is: 2018 Edition

Holy frickin' cow, 2018. How is it nearly at an end? Literally, I fail to understand time, because she's a cruel mistress. Reading my 2016 and 2017 recaps was a hoot. A fun look back at an often angsty, but mostly doe-eyed past-Gina, and a great way to put this maelstrom year into perspective.

So here's a glance back on the past 365 -

• New Era: This was it. The year that straddled my twenties and thirties. Much the same way a drunken bachelorette straddles a mechanical bull after her fourth shot of tequila, it was both epic and sloppy. I held on for dear life, and despite the inevitable falling, I considered the overall attempt a great success... 2018 was an ongoing celebration as many dear friends likewise turned the big 3-Oh. The friend crew really stepped up the adulthood levels once crossing the thirty line, with an onslaught of new houses bought, new babies birthed, and new marriages celebrated.*  There was also a wave of grad parties, as my little cousins become not so little anymore and as friends have continued to check off advanced degrees. So many changes. Bowie would've been proud (RIP).
• Personal Adult Points Peak: 2018 was tops in my own personal adulting, as well. Besides having officially survived my twenties (it was touch-and-go for a bit there), I also finally crossed the threshold and became completely debt free. And, after soapboxing for over four years about how we were plenty happy as we were thankyouverymuch, we finally decided to put a ring on it and got engaged!** And, we're definitely not pregnant so cheers for not catching that particular cootie just yet! Besides those big moments on the personal front, I also was promoted again at work, twice. AND I joined a book club. So, I'm one glass of wine away from 40 and a mini van at this point. Go team! 
• Turn On: It was another year for watching the world unfold. The Winter Olympics. The World Cup. I finally watched The Office (I hate Jim - yes, there will be a rant about it some day). I voyaged back to Middle Earth with my sis, to watch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy (extended editions) in theaters once more. I rewatched all of Game of Thrones in anticipation of the upcoming finale. Beyond the silver screens, I saw plenty of action IRL, as well. An epic opening concert by The Killers at the new venue in MKE. A standout Summerfest show by Chromeo. Visits to the local theater, ballet, and symphony. Chuck full of culture, that 2018!
• Tune In: While everyone in 2018 was all about "saying no more" - I took that as a load of crap and tried to say yes more. Yes to meeting up with old friends. Yes to that extra phone call with a family member. Yes to giving a shit about people and your relationships to them, instead of just only focusing on yourself. I especially tried to stay in touch better with friends who don't live in close proximity. Hosted various friends (and groups) throughout the year, showed up for some birthday parties out of town, met up with people while in NYC for work, made a point to grab lunch or a drink when someone was passing through town (even if it was an airport lounge cocktail), attended a large reunion with my social group from college - overall just SHOWED UP (as much as I could - sorry for the times I couldn't manage). 2018 was about laughing with and learning from as many people as I could. 
• Drop Out: There was a huge rift in the middle of this year, as the beau's dad passed away suddenly in July (the day before my 30th birthday). It was truly a black hole that just sucked the light out of us. The support from friends and family was overwhelming, and we were more grateful than ever for having everyone, despite us taking a good deal of time to disconnect. Social media, blogging, all this fringe stuff is just so unimportant when you've got a bigger, life changing situation going on. A lot of things took a back burner while we tried to adjust to the upside down. As they should have. 
• Aboard AF: After several years of traveling domestically together, we finally made the leap abroad. This year we had quite a few epic adventures across the pond, visiting the Faroe Islands, Copenhagen, Iceland, London, Paris and Dublin. It'd been ten years (way too long of a hiatus!) since I'd last had a proper Eurotrip, and I'd been itching for the return to foreign languages, fabulous public transit, and delicious bread. It was also nice to see that the beau and I could travel well together in a more foreign setting. And hey, we got engaged in Paris, so now we will always have an excuse to return there (yas!). 
• Etc: Loved and lost a kitchen couch that rocked my world. Voted - twice - because primaries matter. Met our neighborhood graffiti artist. Finally went to the eye doc, dentist, and regular doc all within a 12 month span - hit that hat trick for the first time in way too long. Got over the Sunday Slump. Built more IKEA furniture than I have in a lifetime. Surfed various waves of anxiety. Spent a lot of time with family, as my grandma's house was fully cleared out and sold. Was a major spectathlete at the beau's SIXTEEN races this year - he put on over a thousand miles and ran his first full marathon in NYC. 

The year ahead is sure to be a busy one, and I won't make it out of it single. There are still plenty of big ch-ch-changes to come on the home front. The twenties felt like a decade of constant evolution, with a perpetual state of movement and few stationary points. This new decade feels like more permanent changes are afoot. Changes with longer term consequences. The fun and games aren't over, now it just feels less like the Hunger Games and more like chess. We've got to be three moves ahead and see a little further into the future, it's not just about surviving this moment, or living day by day. 2019 will kick that all off - may the odds still be ever in our favor.

2018: What a frickin' whirlwind!

* Though, this year there were only three weddings attended. A far cry from the eight-each-year pace we had been running at. It's official: a big chunk of us are "settled" -- HOW bizarre! Time for some renewing of vows, divorce parties, or something, because I'm already lamenting the lack of drunken dancing and playing dress up!
** Sorry in advance if you hate wedding talk - but, I frickin' love it. So, you can expect to see plenty more soul-searching and overly dramatic posts about wedding planning in 2019. If you want to tune out for those, I'll forgive ya. Shall try not to rabble too much about it.
*** Six of my top ten trafficked posts were in 2018 - and yet I had three months of radio silence to repay you all. Sorry, that's just the way it goes. Thanks for continuing to come back! 

Going to the Chapel... Or Some Variation Thereof

Now that I'm coming through the other side of my initial post-engagement-nervous-breakdown, and am receiving epic volumes of (often unsolicited) advice on the daily, I've settled on a few things. A few wedding and marriage related "this is how it's going down" things. Some of these may well get abandoned over time, but right now I'm feeling pretty certain about them. And since y'all know how I love to field questions in bulk, here are some answers to a variety of FAQs. You can decide what the questions were, and determine whether or not you think they were invasive or just in good fun....

1. Nope, we don't have a date picked yet.
2. Why yes, I do plan to lose weight for the wedding... because I've been treating my body less like a "temple" and more like a dumpster with broken wheels. A stationary thing you dump garbage into. It's not for the dress - it's for me. I'm a firm believer that one of the essential things you're committing to in a marriage is living as long as possible. You've signed up til death you do part, and you better work your ass off to make that you last as long as you can on this good earth to do your part of fulfilling that vow. So, as I jump into this new role as a wife, I'd like to do it in peak condition, and show up properly for this thing. Hopefully this whole "better eating and exercising" thing will become a trend, so our marriage can be less "in sickness" and more "in health."*
3. I know, you're right. I AM a wedding crier. And yes, I'll probably be a hot sobbing mess at mine, just like I was at everyone else's. Because I frickin' love weddings, and they make my heart feel overwhelmed with joy, and that joy leaks violently out of my face.** Have tissues at the ready, please and thanks.
4. No, I don't have a Pinterest board, so I can't share a link. No vision board either. You'll just have to trust me when I say that this'll all turn out just fine, and that people got married before the internet existed. 
5. Yep, DIY is happening. Why? Not because we can't afford certain things (#blessed), but because I'm a thrifty bitch and probably won't want to afford certain things. We all know that if you tag the word "wedding" on to just about anything, the world sees emotional dollar signs and jacks the price up tenfold. So, because I love sticking it to the man, I'll be trying to win this game as much as possible. Also, I like crafting. And since I'm usually a ball of anxiety, I'll need something to distract me and keep my nerves ocupado. I'm expecting a lot more DIT than DIY to be honest - doing it together... over cocktails.
6. Not getting married in a church, nope.*** 
7. Sorry, yeah, no date picked yet. Not even a particular season in mind, nope. It all depends on the venue availability. 
8. That's correct, we're paying for the wedding ourselves. We're lucky enough to be getting married at an age where we're financially stable. We've worked hard to pay off all our debts and to save up. And now we're going to take that savings and chuck it at a big ass party. Because we want to. And we can. And, to be honest, there aren't many excuses to gather literally everyone you love into one space - it's usually just weddings and funerals. And the latter isn't very much fun. So, we're happy to spend the money to fill a space with people we love, to celebrate happiness.
9. No, my ring isn't loose or needing to be resized. I already resized it. My hands are just cold. Really, I'm happy with the sizing, I promise. 
10. The wedding will definitely be in Milwaukee. Milwaukee is "us" - it's where we met, it's where we live together, it's where "me" became "we." We want it to be a day of us. 
11. Old, new, borrowed, blue? Yeah, I'll probably try to do that, but haven't though much on it yet, to be honest. Times like these, I wish I did have a hope chest lying around somewhere. 



Do these dollar store decorations count as new and blue??

12. Thank you so much for sharing that advice. It's been wonderful to hear so many different approaches for how to go about (insert wedding element here). We'll be taking all this into consideration as we decide. Super grateful to have a community of people who care and want to help.... ((Except, we do get the final say on all decisions. And that might mean not following  your advice later. Please don't secretly hate us. We still value your opinion. We're doing our best here.))
13. Yes, we're getting a prenup. Not because we don't believe our marriage will last, but because we're children of divorce and want to protect each other from our future selves. (Future Gina is a real diva, I hear.)
14. Really, truly, I wish I could tell you the date, but we haven't picked it yet. Nope, it's not just throwing a dart at a board. Yep, most venues are booked out to 2020. Crazy, I know. So yeah, honestly, I don't have a date for you. 
15. I will be taking his last name. No chance of that not happening. 
16. Sorry no, we haven't finalized our guest list yet (we've only been engaged like a month...). We're very fortunate to have so many wonderful people in our lives, who've each had a big impact on us in their own way; but, we will have a limited amount of space for this shindig. We won't be able to have everyone physically present that day. ((So again, please don't secretly / openly hate us -- we'd love to have every single person there if we could. But we can't.)) 
17. How many people are we inviting? See previous answer. In summary: a bunch, but not nearly enough. 
18. No, I'm not pregnant. Yes, I haven't been pushy about getting married previously, and now suddenly I'm engaged. It really wasn't all that sudden though. This isn't a shotgun wedding. (KNOCK ON WOOD)
19. Yes, there could potentially be a rabbi. We'll definitely have a chuppah and will be smashing a glass (though I'm still terribly disappointed that I personally don't get to be the one to stomp it, blah blah traditions). And the odds of us getting hoisted up on chairs and dancing the horah at some point are alarmingly high. So, get on board and work on your upper body strength, because I don't want to get dropped. 
20. Nope, our colors aren't baby blue and safety orange. Quit listening to my fiancé, he's just messing with you.
21. OH yeah, I've definitely considered doing a white pantsuit. You KNOW how I feel about pantsuits. I would love to pull that off, but I probably won't.... probably. 
22. Sigh. No, we don't have a date yet.

If at any point in the next twelve to eighteen months, you hear my tone shifting between jovial, bitchy, forceful, downright giddy, etc... it's because I really am stupid excited to be doing this whole wedding thing. But, I really do feel awful when I don't have answers for people. Or when I just don't have time to dive into it. Or when the answers I give are clearly something that seems disappointing or wrong to the person asking. Please know this: I love that you care enough to ask. And I love talking about this stuff. And I know that this is really like my one chance to just strut around being bridey and spewing taffeta out of my palms like Spiderman does with webs (spew spew!), but to be honest, I'm just trying to do my best to make sure everyone is happy and that at the end of this all, the beau still wants to walk down that aisle with me... or some variation thereof. As long as we end up married, it'll be the best day ever.

If face masks are the key to a practical wedding, I'm on board. 
Pass the frickin' avocados! 

* And yeah, of course I want to look good in the dress, too. I'm not a fucking monster.
** For the record, the titular song of this post, Going to the Chapel, makes me bawl like a baby. In the mountains of Colorado, myself and the other bridesmaids piled into a van, lovingly driven by my dear friend's brother-in-law. It was her big day, and we were on our way, and he popped on that song as a ha-ha-how-perfect tune, and I promptly started tearing up, because my girl was getting married. She'd found the love of her life and I was so happy for her, and so sad for me because that meant our relationship would forever be altered as well. AKA I was a glass case of emotion. Still am. To this day. Because their happiness makes my little heart explode. 
*** Though I'd love to just take photos in a cathedral, but you know, that dream can die. 

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

We spend all our lives developing and nurturing relationships. Some are fleeting or tumultuous. Others come in and out. Then there are those that last for years and years, but change over time. Most are not constant. Save for one. The most important one. I'm not talking about finding the one. I'm talking about the one that you can never truly get away from. It's that person who I've been in a relationship with for the past thirty years.... myself.

It's that me, that she, that's been having a hard time this past month. Because this is it. We're done. There's a beautiful shiny rock on a very important finger now, which means it's time for one final breakup - with any luck, the last breakup I'll ever have in this lifetime* - the divorce from my singledom.

***Let me preface this by saying I literally could not be happier to be starting this new adventure with the ridiculously wonderful man who has agreed to stick by me for, you know, eternity. I'm stupid lucky to have found him. BUT, being engaged does not mean that the only emotion you're allowed to feel is giddy giddy joy joy all the time. So, just let me get this lament out and if you'd rather hear the glowing rosy-eyed bride-to-be ravings, I'm sure those will come later. For now you get a scatter-brained panic, because that's how my brain feels.***

Don't get me wrong, I know this all is going to sound terribly melodramatic. I'm not losing a leg, or moving abroad, or switching jobs, or altering my gender, or dying here - nothing so hectic as all that. I'm just getting married. It's just a name on a piece of paper really.... right?

What is in a name?

But that's just it. It's my name. A name that I've built an identity around my entire life. It's silly that a few letters (or in my case, a lot of frickin' letters) can form such a core identity, but they really do. It's that long last name that spun off into countless nicknames, and awkward explanations of how to attempt to pronounce it. It's a name that most of my friends probably still can't say, which settled me into my position as just "Gina K." That last name immediately signals my heritage (it's so German that it literally is wearing lederhosen and chugging a litre of beer) and anchors me to my family.

It's a name that's also coming to an end. Unless my sister decides to keep our name and pass it to her children, there won't be a next generation. It will become just an archaic reference on someone's family tree some day. There won't be anyone walking around proudly carrying it with. (Then, you can sure bet that there really will be no one who can pronounce it!) And the thought of that kind of makes my heart hurt a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking: I'm the one opting to make that name change, so if it really bothers me, I don't have to do it. But, I do want to. It's a symbol that we're a new little family. That we're merging those branches together. I'll be proud to don that new last name - and thrilled to get some ambiguity going forward - but that change is a mental hurdle that I'm still working on getting over. I have a long time before I have to properly face said hurdle. Right now I'm getting a running start, so later I don't just barrel straight into it and end up a crumpled, crying mess on the ground.

Who the heck even am I?

It's all a part of the mental shift. There's a new constant, now. It's not just me: it's we.

How do you like THEM apples?? ... I like them fine, thanks.

Never fear: I'll still fight against being pigeon-holed into just specific titles (see rant #9). But, as much as I might argue that I get to be just-the-same-as-I-ever-was-thankyaverymuch, it really is true that marriage does fundamentally change something. Besides literally changing my name, I'm changing my perspective on the future.

As I evolved from a scrappy trailer-park kid, to a painfully nerdy band geek student, to an aggressively-social-butterfly, to an independent career-girl, I was by and large single. And to be honest, I was good at it. Yes, I had loving family and friends who had my back, but on a whole I was solely responsible for the outcome of my life. My decisions and their consequences were all on me. So if I messed up, it was just me who was impacted. If I was poor, it was okay because I only had one mouth to feed. It was all on my shoulders. I decided what took priority, and how to spend my time and money. Just me...

Even though we've been together for almost five years now, I still was always cautious about the potential of reverting to that single status. When we moved in, I  kept my pots and utensils. I made sure I was financially secure enough to go solo again at any point. I didn't get rid of all my furniture. I knew exactly which friends had a couch I could crash on... just in case. I lived life in "just in case" mode.

Because, let's be real, relationships can just end on a dime. I could've come home any day from work to find him gone for no good reason. Because even though you care, a relationship isn't set in stone. It's a loose knit that can unravel fairly quickly.

This is it. Don't get scared now. 

Marriage ups the ante. It ties big old knots into that loose knit. It's more binding. Sure, marriages still do end sometimes, but divorce is messy and expensive. If you want out, it takes a lot more effort. That's why (most) people don't enter into this legal union lightly. And it's not like we are, and it's not like this wasn't building up for awhile - I'm not shocked and suddenly having to come to grips with this identity change. This wasn't something we rushed.** I guess I just didn't realize that my obnoxious last name and single-status meant so much to my wonky brain.

So here's where that leaves me.... a bride-to-be, having a quiet meltdown / identity crisis while trying to keep a good poker face. Mentally preparing to go all in on this big bet, and hoping that this two-of-a-kind is enough to win. This doesn't feel like a gamble. It feels like a sure thing. Besides, my cards are all on the table at this point, and there's no going back now. I have no regrets about how I've played the game up to this moment, and no regrets about how it will all turn out. Because you can't win if you don't play. And the prize is happily-ever-after.

In it to win it...

* Yes, I did bust out all the best breakup songs. Because even if breakups suck, there is nothing more cathartic than openly sobbing in ones car will blaring "I will always love you" or "It must've been love" or some other sap anthem. Anyone who has never had one of those moments has lived their life at half emotional capacity. 
** I managed to keep conversation about marriage pretty practical and non-threatening. No major ultimatums were made. My fiancé never came home to me laying in a pile of wedding magazines and taffeta fabric samples with "Wedding Bell Blues" on repeat and "Say Yes to the Dress" queued up on the TV, wearing a "Why aren't we engaged yet?" t-shirt. No offense to the forward-thinking women who made such displays, it just wasn't my style. 
*** Also, for the record, getting married will not make me get off my feminist soap box. I'm gaining a legal life partner here, not a master. So while my mental title shift to be a little less 'Miss Independent' and a little more 'Mrs. Woman of Her Own Mind' - don't expect too much else to change in terms of my attitude on gender roles and contributions to a household, loves. 

(What) About Me

Here it is. It's coming. It can't be stopped and it's now less than a week away. That tiny little identity crisis in which I can no longer be trendy and call myself a "twenty something." That's right, it's finally here: 30.

NO, I'm not all that worried. I've gotten a lot of questions in the past 360 days about anything I wish I'd have done before "turning." You know, as if 30 is literally the grave (or I change into a werewolf??) and this was it, my last chance to make something of my life. Each time someone has commented, I usually had a retort along the lines of, "Yeah, I mean, on Wednesday I'm going to skip work, snort some coke and go BASE jumping, but after that I'm all set."

Like, what was I supposed to have done in my 20s that I can't do later? Be childish and irresponsible? Pfft, did that* - and plenty of people still do that in their 30s. Looking back on the past decade, I really don't feel like I "missed out" on anything. I mean, sure, regrets? I've had a few. But then again, too few to mention.... IE I did NOT regret all the Frank Sinatra I listened to...

Seriously though, I consider myself very fortunate. I'm skidding into 30 with some wonderful friends and family in my life, a beau who seems generally on board with my madness, a good job, no debt, and a pocketful of experiences (good and bad, at home and abroad) that have helped me smile, learn, and grow. True, it hasn't all gone exactly "to plan" but, sometimes life is more like an IKEA purchase with missing instructions: you'll still end up with a table, even if it's not quite what it looks like on the box, and you'll likely consult the internet along the way to figure out if it seems right but then just say "fuck it" and start guessing til it works.

What's my age again??

BUT, I digress...

What I'm really struggling with is not the actual transition. I'm satisfied with my semi-gray metamorphosis and continuation of general badassery as I launch into the big 3-Oh. What I am struggling with is nailing down an exact "definition" of where I'm at right now. Because, it's probably finally time to update my "About Me" page....

That's right, the About Me for this little blog. That solitary little time capsule of a post. I purposefully wrote it to avoid needing maintenance, over three years ago, and only popped back to read it a few times since. Knowing that this would be the point that it may need sprucing.

A little snapshot. Like a wayback machine for me.

As you can see, it's still my 'voice' overall, but after three years of tinkering on GTTP, I think it's time to refine a bit. OR, maybe not. Maybe that's still just perfectly accurate and I should be thrilled that I'm nothing if not consistent, and accept that really not a lot has changed to my overall personality and that page is still fairly spot on. So for the next week, I'll be racking my brain, deciding on if I need to make changes or if I'm still just me.

To be honest, I don't trust bloggers who constantly update their "About Me" page. Like, who are you and why are you telling me how to live my life if you can't even figure out your own self out? Yes, we all change and evolve (blah blah, good good), but as a whole, when it comes down to your persona, I honestly don't think people change that much. Sure, you may change jobs or cities or relationship statuses, but that's just putting yourself in different place or by different people, your disposition usually remains the same.** At least, after a certain point, you know, like maybe... thirty. 

* And thank goodness I stopped going at that "live it up" pace of my early twenties, or like, I'd probably be dead. Zero sleep, being irresponsible, and borderline alcoholism just aren't sustainable. 

** Unless you're one of those people who just chameleons to whoever is around you and isn't good at having any character of your own. Someone who mirrors and doesn't have any original thoughts/actions. Don't worry, we've all been there before. I tried that out in my twenties... thank goodness those twenties are just a phase! But in the meantime, like... go do you. 

Faroes: Packing Wins and Fails

Now that I have thoroughly ranted about all the amazing adventures in Copenhagen and in the Faroe Islands, both IRL and all over this blog, it's time for a wee bit of retrospective on one of those linchpin things from the trip: our luggage! For a full rave about packing, check out this post on how I fit seven days of stuff into one carry-on. I was glad to have read a lot of packing suggestions before we went, but some just didn't hold water, and others were SPOT on.

When it came down to the stuff I opted to bring along, I had some serious wins, and a few fails...

Things I was happy I brought:

• The number one top thing(s) I brought that I loved: bags!
• Cross body bag was a MUST! It was so easy for carrying around cameras and miscellaneous stuff. It was easy for hiking but could easily be worn to dinner, too. (One doesn't need to pack more than one purse!)
• A reusable grocery bag :
  A) most grocery stores in Europe don't give out bags
  B) it made it easier to move between different hotels: I didn't have to pack up tightly into the carry-on and could just toss extra stuff into the bag to be figured out later
  C) it was a fabulous snack bag
• "Vacuum seal" bag: this was a lifesaver for my sweaters! I was able to pack almost all the sweaters I wanted but still have tons of space in my carry-on for other essentials.
• Lots of extra bags in general : zip locks and just grocery store bags. For stuff like smelly socks and muddy boots, it was nice to have something to wrap that stuff up tight in before storing it for our transatlantic flight.
• Menthol patches : Fun fact, I sit at a desk all day normally. I do not have an extremely "active" lifestyle. So, with a trip that consisted entirely of hiking and tromping about, my bod was a little confused. IE by the last day, I was basically covered in these life saving patches! At the end of a long day, I could slap one of these on a puffy knee or aching back and it was fabulous relief. 
• Paper tape : The beau has used this in the past to prevent his toes from rubbing together while running, to help avoid blisters. I took a page from his playbook and likewise used it to avoid / protect blisters while hiking. It also was awesome for sealing up various snacks we bought (ain't nobody got space for chip clips!).
• Good waterproof hiking boots : Seriously. This was SO essential. I'm glad I invested in a good pair (also, I only got one tiny blister - see paper tape), whereas if I'd have had a shitty pair of shoes, I may have ended up either with perpetual wet socks (I HATE WET SOCKS) or a serious injury. These bad boys kept me dry and stable! 
• A Pen : Europe has a great system with chip credit cards and pin numbers. Unfortunately, our American credit cards don't have pins, so most places we'd still have to sign. This caused much confusion as various vendors and restaurants were like "Uh, you have to sign?" Since it's so uncommon, they'd scramble about looking for a pen. But voila, we had our own! So, BYOP if you want to just speed things up. (Thanks, internet, for this tip!)

Waterproof boots: because the wilderness isn't as dry as Abbey Road!

Things I could've done without:
Luckily the big theme of these all is that they were small things that didn't take up much space. So it wasn't like I filled half my suitcase with unnecessary junk. Go team!

• Waterproof everything : The Fores get approximately 300 days of rain a year. We lucked out and it was perfectly sunny! Since we had heard a lot about the rain and sudden turns in weather, I had packed monsoon gear basically. Waterproof boots, pants, jacket, and even waterproof mascara. While the boots and jacket were still great, the pants and mascara were not necessary at all - and waterproof mascara is just more of a bitch to take off.
• Gloves : Would've been great if it had rained, but it didn't. And it was never too cold - plus my coat had the thumbhole sleeves, so that was good enough.
• That extra hat : It was tiny, so no major foul here but... I brought an additional hat solely for vanity (so every photo wouldn't have me wearing the same exact hat). One hat was more than sufficient. Lesson learned, ego.
• Dramamine : Because I don't know if I even get seasick, and we didn't end up getting to take the ferry anyways.
• PJ pants : For some reason, I imagined I'd be lounging more often? But, obviously I was lying to myself, because when I'm in vacation mode, I get very "don't waste a single second! adventure awaits!" Should've known this trip would be no different and that I'd run us around like crazy as long as the sun was still shining. (Which was approximately 4:30am til 10:30pm every day! Yay for being so far north!) Again, didn't take up much space, and I could have worn them as leggings really, so it's my own fault they went unused. 
• SO many snacks : I'm forever worried about a shortage of food. So while it was nice to have  hiking specific snacks, I didn't need to pack enough food for a small army.
• Plane activities : I brought two sudoku books and my old school mp3 player for the plane. But ended up either talking, sleeping, eating or watching movies the whole time. So neither was really needed. The beau also brought a book (yes, a physical book) that he didn't end up reading at all.
• A few honorable mentions that the beau said he didn't need to pack:
• An extra pair of pants : because boys don't change pants hardly ever!
• A hat : his ears don't funnel the wind like mine do, so for me, my hat was essential - but he never even wore his once.
• Running shorts : since we were getting in so many steps hiking, he didn't have that energy to get up a 5 am to go for a run before our day like he thought he might.

Snack Attack! Mama needs her treats!

Things I wish I had packed:

• MORE SOCKS : Because waterproof boots are great at not letting moisture in, but also kind of trap in sweat. It'd have been nice to swap out socks more often, because, as y'all know, I frickin' hate wet socks.
• Detangling hair spray : Yes, like a child. Do you have any idea what the ocean breeze, on a mountain top, does to one's hair? Let alone having a hat on all day while that wind assaults half your hair?? It's a wonder I'm not completely bald after all the knots of hair I ripped out of my skull every night. 
• A little trinket : In the past, when travelling, sometimes I've taken a little trinket, or a paper heart, or something. A little tchotchke that I could take photos with at various locations to make cute little contingent photos. I was too panicked about packing to remember this time though. 
• Honorable mention from to the beau :: Briefs instead of boxers : something closer fitting to protect the boys when hopping around on rocks, ya know!

Because i just made a list, I can't honestly say "there's not a thing I would change!" about our trip. But I will say that the trip was pretty near perfect, just the same. At some point, you'll get a new series of posts for our next visit to the Faroes, because it is definitely a place I plan to return someday. I already have a little list going of place for next time.... Mykines (I'll be back for you, puffins!); Múli (and the other abandoned settlements in northern Borðoy); the entire island of Suðuroy (with it's awesome sea cliffs); the Kallur Lighthouse and the Kópakonan (aka selkie) statue on Kalsoy... Some day, friends. Some day. And next time, I'll know exactly what to bring along....